The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 4

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

June 27, 2017
Novel / Chapter: Fantasy, Action / Adventure
7 comments (7 reviews)

Asha couldn’t hope to remember the dizzying twists and turns in the route the woman took; the pathway was a blur of stone. She pushed open an arched wooden door, and they were outside.

The woman led her by the hand into the grass. Panting, Asha looked up at the night sky, the stars like pinpricks in a blue-black tarp, the moon, round and full like a silver coin caught mid-flip in the sky. The world seemed to spin beneath her feet, and all was silent but for her own heavy breaths and the rustle of grass under the woman’s feet. Asha gazed at her. The woman who had saved her. The woman who Asha didn’t even know the name of.

The moon shone cooly upon her face, and her full lips curved upward into a gentle smile. As if she could hear Asha’s thoughts aloud, she said, “I am Yuni.”

“Yuni,” Asha whispered, tasting the name on her tongue. It was like the flutter of moths’ wings, quiet and gentle.

“We must hurry,” Yuni said, grasping at Asha’s wrist. Then, she paused. Something like mirth washed over her face. “Let’s go, Night Skin.” The mirth ebbed away, like the tides, and Asha felt slender fingers close around her wrist.

She found herself being pulled away into the night. She took one fleeting look at the castle before she followed the woman, Yuni, dress fluttering behind her. Asha didn’t dare ask questions until the palace was long out of sight. “Where are we going?” she rasped.

Yuni stopped running abruptly, and Asha almost ran into the back of her. “I don’t know yet,” she admitted quietly. “Away.”

They ran tripping through the night, two women. One in a mage’s cloak, and the other clad in a silken slip. “They will not notice we are missing until morning,” Yuni told Asha. “We need to cover as much ground as possible tonight.”

Breathless, Asha nodded, plodding after Yuni who seemed to run tirelessly, as if she was walking on air. Black hair streamed behind her like dark water, headless of the gravity that slowly seemed to be pulling Asha to the ground. Perhaps years of study was not the best for her own physique.

Yuni seemed to notice Asha’s lagging pace, and she slowed, leading her to a tree. Asha nodded gratefully, and leaned against the bark. “Take slow breaths,” Yuni advised. Asha shut her eyes and attempted to follow Yuni’s advice. After a few minutes, Asha’s lungs didn’t feel like they were going to burst, and her throat no longer felt quite as raw. “How much farther?” Asha asked.

Yuni was silent for a moment, her gaze roving the area. “Why don’t we stay in that barn,” Yuni suggested. “Just until sunrise. After sunrise, we decide where to go, and begin travel.”

Asha nodded, “Let’s go.”

That night, it poured. The clouds arriving suddenly, obscuring that splendid sky that Asha had marveled at, almost as if a mage had summoned them. Asha’s belly filled with a pit of fear. What if they had already noticed that she was gone? It seemed that the sky had been floodgates, holding the torrential downpour back, and now they were flung wide open. The barn was rickety, and the roof had fallen in, but Yuni and Asha managed to find a dry pile of straw to make their bed upon. Asha pulled her cloak closer to herself, shivering and listening to thunder rip the heavens apart again and again. Somehow, she slept.

A chilly hand on her cheek woke her. The morning was dark, but Asha could make out Yuni’s pale face hovering over her. “We must decide where to go,” Yuni said, voice muddled from sleep. She cleared her throat and combed straw from her hair with her fingers.

The events from the night before hit Asha like a brick wall. It was real. Not a bluff, not a dream, not something her sleepless brain made up from long nights of study. The Council of Mages were going to begin to take human familiars.

“We need to go south!” Asha gasped, somehow breathless. “We have to warn everyone! We have to warn my village! My family. . .”

Yuni clasped Asha’s hands in her own. “We will travel together then. Safety in numbers.”

“Don’t you have somewhere you want to go?” Asha asked.

“No,” Yuni whispered. Asha wanted to ask questions, but Yuni pulled her to her feet. “We must leave now. Especially if-”

“If we want to make it in time,” Asha finished grimly.

“Yes,” Yuni nodded, letting go of Asha’s hand. She turned and left the barn, stepping out into the chilly rain. Asha followed her lead, frowning at the silken slip that became see-through in an instant. It clung to Yuni like a second skin, and tremors from the cold shook her body. Asha slipped out of her cloak and wrapped it around the woman.

“If you want to make it alive, the least you can do is wear warmer clothing,” Asha said quietly.

“But this is yours,” Yuni protested. “I cannot take this.”

“You can, and you will. I still have a warm dress. You’ll freeze to death in that thin slip. Take the cloak,” Asha commanded. Yuni said nothing, but gathered the cloak closer around her, pulling up the hood and fixing the silver clasp shut. “Now we move.” Asha gathered her skirts, and led Yuni away from the barn. “We need to find a town to buy a map, we also need to buy you some proper clothes. Lucky for us, I have some silver pieces sewn into the hem of my cloak for emergencies, so money is not a concern.”

“But they will be looking for us by the time we get to a town,” Yuni argued.

“But we need the supplies,” Asha countered. “If we get into trouble, I can get us out. Using magic to teleport us all the way to my village wouldn’t work. I don’t use familiars, and plants don’t have that kind of energy; I would kill myself. But if the need arises, I can get us a little more than a third of the way there.”

“Very well,” Yuni conceded. “Since there is a farm here, a town should not be too far away. I suspect we will come across one within the day.

Asha nodded silently. “Let’s get moving. We need to hurry.”

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Thu Jul 05, 2018 5:48 pm

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Shady wrote a review...

Hey inktopus,

Shady back again for another review on this lovely novel you have posted. Let's get started...

Panting, Asha looked up at the night sky,

Why is she panting? Were they running? Cause I wasn't getting the impression that they were running... and if not, why is she panting? Just because of the fear/apprehension of being caught? That would make sense as well, but I feel like it would be good to imply that heavier so we understand better.

the moon, round and full like a silver coin caught mid-flip in the sky.

This is really beautiful imagery <3 Great job!

Black hair streamed behind her like dark water, headless of the gravity that slowly seemed to be pulling Asha to the ground.

Lol I think you mean heedless. Heedless = reckless lack of care or attention. Headless = without having a head.

~ ~ ~

I really like this chapter. It almost had a cinematic quality to it, and I had a very vivid image of the girls' flight and then the discussion between them. It was borderline over-dramatic (especially in the dialogue in the barn), like it almost felt like Yuni was going to confess her whole life story and that life story would be that she has no family and needs Asha to be her friend etc. But I think you pulled it off fine -- just be sure that you keep emotions consistent, don't have too many jolts of emotion or you'll jar your reader.

I do like the friendship you are forging here, however. I am a huge sucker for strong female protagonists, especially ones who come from a minority group. But I mean everyone needs rescuing sometimes (even awesome strong women) so I really like that you had another strong woman fill that role. I feel like it's often tempting for authors to toss a guy in at that point in a novel -- cause I mean COME ON built in love interest, amirite? But I like you having another woman there instead. It sets the stage for having a novel filled with a beautiful sisterhood and I'm excited for that.

As I mentioned in a previous chapter I would like more physical descriptors of your characters. I mean now I know that Asha is a POC, but I dunno much else about her at this point. Is she chubby? Slender? Petite? Does she have a big nose? What color are her eyes? How does she style her hair? How long is her hair? Same thing for Yuni. I feel like you might have briefly described her, but I don't really remember that either, so she could be improved upon by giving us a better mental image of what we should be imagining when we read her.

Honestly, I have a Korean friend named Yuna which is probably skewing my mental image -- but between her dialogue and her name I am very much imagining a Korean girl in the character of Yuni -- pale skin, black hair, you know? If that's not the mental image you're going for, you should very much make an effort to counter that with the correct view of Yuni.

I think that's all I have for now. This was an excellent chapter, as usual.

Keep writing!

~Shady

inktopus says...

you're probably pretty close on for Yuni's description. She's Asian, tall, and slender to just hit the largest descriptors

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Sun Jul 01, 2018 3:28 am

deleted221222 wrote a review...

Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and I’m still using this stupid intro. Let’s get into this, shall we?

This chapter lacks the major underlying problem most of your other chapters had, so that’s good. There are still a few problems, but it’s nothing that requires much of change.

Asha still seems to have the whole flippant personality between timid and passionate. For how short the last chapter was, I’m surprised there’s a lack of reflection now. Nothing about her anger, her pain, or her suffering. She just goes through the revelation that, hey, they’re going to do human trafficking.

Yuni is a new mysterious character. While you have done a good job at emphasizing her mysteriousness, I feel that Asha trusts her too easily upon meeting her. She did just get captured by the nobles, and yet easily trusts this one that saves her. It also reflects in their dialogue. They speak as though they know each other, even though they’ve just met.

Overall, it’s a better chapter than the other two. I like your use of description in the first part, and seeing as how the plot is finally kicking into gear excites me for what’s going to happen.

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Sun Sep 10, 2017 8:59 pm

Brigadier wrote a review...

I have 7 more reviews tonight so maybe I'll just finish the whole novel out tonight. Luckily this has already been picked over really well and I don't need to worry that much on serious critique.

This chapter is fast moving but also understandable, leading my overall feelings on it to be mixed. The main character is quick to jump on a journey with Yuni, which is not as great of a name as Moonface, if we're being totally honest here. If they had just referred to each other through the entire novel as 'Moonface' and 'Night skin', I would have seen it going a lot of places. Maybe not to the best or greatest places, probably more in the direction of the gutter, but it's just one of those things I laugh at as working through this story.

Oh she gave away here cloak. Oh you can see tender sentiments brewing between them. Oh last night Storm already told me it has a sad ending so I don't think the heroine will get the girl. I mean of course my queer soul is hoping like crazy something happens between the two characters but that aspect of this has barely been introduced. How these characters interact is rather interest to me because Yuni is just like "go, go, go." and Asha is still processing how she got broken out of jail. I'm questioning how much power Yuni has within the kingdom and how she relates to the whole overall plot, but I guess these are all things to be explained further down the road.

Seriously doubting Yuni's choice of attire. Like you didn't realize you should wear something more than a slip to go on a grand adventure? Even a bath robe would have been better.

You'll also notice that I added a bunch of Supernatural quotes to the generator so have fun with those.

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Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:21 pm

PastelSlushie wrote a review...

Hello again, Stormcloud, PastelSlushie here for a review for Team Autumn on this lovely Review Day. Let's get right into it!

As a sort of the third echo from BlueAfrica and BiscuitsLeGuin, we don't have a solid grasp on Yuni as a character yet. I don't expect to know every single thing about her the moment she is introduced, but her personality seems a bit all over the place right now. I mean, she saved Asha from death, I kind of expected her to be a bit more bossy and controlling about her safety, but she whispers a lot and it seems Asha knows more about what is happening to Yuni does. She seems to agree with everything Asha says and again, I expected her to maybe disagree with parts of her plan.

You seem to be getting better at showing Asha's emotions, especially in the beginning. Her confusion on what is happening is shown perfectly and smoothly. But, like the last chapter, this happened a little fast. Not as fast as the previous chapter, but it seemed a bit rushed, especially at the end. I can really sense the urgency of Yuni and Asha's actions, which sort of fits with what is happening with the familiars. The ending really really made me curious on what will happen in the best chapter, and when the two will make it two the south. Or maybe, the council members will get there before her? That'd be exciting!

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel

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Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:39 pm

CocoaCat wrote a review...

Hello again Stormcloud, here again for another review!
"The moon shone cooly upon her face," well that's ironic, wasn't it just earlier in the day when you called her moonface?
"Where are we going?” she rasped. Yuni stopped running abruptly, and Asha almost ran into the back of her. “I don’t know yet,” she admitted quietly. “Away.” Wait, Yuni is running away isn't she?
"We have to warn everyone! We have to warn my village! My family. . .” Okay, that's your reason to go on this mission, what about Yuni?
"No,” Yuni whispered. Asha wanted to ask questions, but Yuni pulled her to her feet." Yuni, what are you hiding?
Yuni must have some secret. Doesn't she? I guess I'll have to read the next chapter and figure it out myself.
Good story so far, Stormcloud, I LOVE it!

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Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:42 pm

BluesClues wrote a review...

Asha followed her lead, frowning at the silken slip that became see-through in an instant. It clung to Yuni like a second skin, and tremors from the cold shook her body. Asha slipped out of her cloak and wrapped it around the woman.

“If you want to make it alive, the least you can do is wear warmer clothing,” Asha said quietly.

I ship it already.

Okay, so my main thought echoes Biscuits' about how we don't have a grasp of Yuni's personality yet. That's not to say we need to know exactly what she's like right in the first minute (and honestly I've had a little trouble with a character who just appeared in my story, like the very same issue), but I think we need a more solid grasp on what she's like. Since she rescued Asha and seemed to know what she was thinking, I expected her to be more confident and in-charge or at least more on top of the present moment. But then she whispers kind of a lot and argues about getting supplies and seems less certain of things than Asha does - I mean, she doesn't even know where they're going yet. And if you're going to get dragged out of bed in the middle of the night by a stranger, you'd at least hope they have a plan!

It would also help us identify more with Asha in this moment if she's a little less clear-headed and take-charge. You could even do this just by having Yuni suggest going to town and Yuni suggesting Asha's magic, to which Asha can say "but if I try to get us all the way to my village, I'll die, I'm not that strong," and Yuni can be the one to say, "Just as far as you comfortably can, that'll give us a good head start" before Asha agrees.

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Tue Jun 27, 2017 5:55 pm

ExOmelas wrote a review...

Right, that's dinner finished. Time to review!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

the moon, round and full like a silver coin caught mid-flip in the sky.

I think this should be the start of a new setence. I know it's incomplete but I think the rhythm would benefit from a new beat at the start of this. I really like the images here though. The pacing's really fast so I can hear Asha's feeling of chaos.

She found herself being pulled away into the night. She took

It's a bit repetitive to start two sentences so similarly. I've been told off for doing this in the past so I apologise if I've been doing it in Off Court

They ran tripping through the night, two women. One in a mage’s cloak, and the other clad in a silken slip.

That sentence is structure is much better, what I was suggesting in the first nit-pick.

heaedless of the gravity

“Now we move.” Asha gathered her skirts, and led Yuni away from the barn. “We need to find a town to buy a map, we also need to buy you some proper clothes. Lucky for us, I have some silver pieces sewn into the hem of my cloak for emergencies, so money is not a concern.”

Given how panicked she was when she woke up, I'm surprised she's finding it so easy to focus. Maybe some description of her thoughts along the lines of realising the best way she can handle the situation is to take control to save her family.

Overall:

Character: The first thing that strikes me in this area is that I don't have the clearest idea of Yuni's personality. She's said quite a lot of things, but I don't really know about her facial expressions, body language etc. Right now she seems kind of stand-offish, but that's just the default when somebody is a bit blank. I like the idea of Asha being really proactive and taking control, but if this is what you're doing I think you need to say so. It just seems a bit inconsistent with her reaction on waking up at the moment.

Setting: You do this especially well at the start when you use the setting to show Asha's confusion. Good job!

Plot: This moved really fast, and I was really interested in where it was going. I can really, really feel the urgency. I think a bit of reaction from Asha about the human familiars would be useful though. I know you did this in the last chapter (and maybe it's just because I read it so long ago) but maybe just in the moment she wakes up when she's talking about the fact that she knows it really happened, picture her whole family being taken as human familiars, the pain that they would go through. Actually, maybe you have enough, I'm not sure. Just felt like I'd have liked a rest at some point in this fast-paced chapter for something like this.

Hope this helps and that it's not as long til the next chapter,
Biscuits

Young Writers Society

The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 4

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