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Young Writers Society


16+

The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 16

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

As the days passed, it seemed to Asha that they were walking up a gradual incline. She said so to Yuni.

“You are right,” Yuni said.

With each passing hour, the incline seemed to grow steeper and a burning sensation began to make itself known in Asha’s calves. It was barely sundown, but Asha was breathing heavily, sweat dripping from her hairline and blurring her vision. Her lips were dry, the water skins having run out earlier that day. She licked the ragged skin, tasting sweat. It was so much hotter than Merdon, and the fact that summer was coming swiftly upon them did not help matters.

“I think it is time we stopped for the night,” Yuni said, her voice even. It was like the day’s exertions never even affected her.

Though Yuni never seemed to be touched by the rigors of daily travel, she had changed a lot since Asha had first met her. Skin that was once near translucent had darkened considerably in the weeks under the sun, and long, once silky hair, knotted together and formed into ropes of tangles. Asha’s own hair had not escaped Yuni’s hair’s fate. If anything, Asha’s was worse off. She could only dream of the day when they would finally reach Yamuko and she would be able to wash the dirt and sweat from her scalp and comb the matts and tangles from her hair.

Asha flopped down where she was, her back having grown impervious to the uneven ground. Pushing herself up with one arm, she wiped dirt from her eyes with the other. “We need water,” Asha murmured.

Yuni dropped the bag unceremoniously and sat beside her. “We do.”

Those words hung in the air for a moment before dissipating. “I can make it rain,” Asha stated.

“When will you?” Yuni asked. It was a bold question, but her voice was anything but.

“I won’t,” Asha said, gnawing on her bottom lip. She looked at the skirt of her dress, hem ripped and ragged, gray, instead of black, from the dirt. She absently picked at a hangnail, rolling an idea around in her head, and then around with her tongue before she spoke. “I’m going to gather the dew tomorrow morning. It’ll take less energy.”

What she didn’t say was that she had never tried something like that before. Moving water was difficult. To make it rain, you had to herd the clouds until they became too heavy to hold the water inside them. Moving individual droplets was much different.

She did not mention this to Yuni. Better to not give her a seed of doubt now. For once, Asha was able to enjoy someone’s wholehearted trust in her. It was a marked change from the mantra everyone whispered to her during her training: you can’t; you can’t; you can’t.

She sat beside Yuni as the sun went down, staring at the tangerine sky and pink smears of cloud, like a giant artist took up a brush and painted them with long, sweeping strokes, but Asha didn’t really see the sky. Her eyes were open, but they were closed to the outside world. She was locked in the confines of her own head, running through over and over how to gather the dew. How to funnel it into the water skins.

It was hours before the sounds of the crickets reached her ears. Her hands and face were numb, but she still shivered. Finally truly open, Asha’s eyes gazed out into an expanse of darkness. Unconsciously, she gathered the blanket draped around her shoulders closer. Yuni must have done that.

She whispered her thanks into the night.

Not quite ready to sleep, Asha looked up at the sky. A tiny sliver of moon shone in the sky, a sea of glittering diamonds the backdrop to a world as black as ink. A gust of wind skittered across the tops of the grasses, all breathing, hush, in unison.

Yuni shifted in her sleep. Exhaling softly, Asha curled up on the ground, gathering the blanket closer around her chin and laying her head on an arm.

As usual, Asha found herself being shaken awake by Yuni. Nearly moonless night had given way to misty gray morning. Standing up with a groan, she stretched her arms up, wincing as several places in her back popped. “I’m looking forward to actual beds when we get to Yamuko,” Asha muttered to herself.

Yuni smiled agreeably. “There is much luxury to look forward to, but what I am looking forward to, most of all, is cutting these knots out of my hair.”

Asha paused. “Cut your hair? Your long, beautiful hair?” she asked, appalled.

“There is not much to be done for it now, I am afraid,” Yuni replied, holding up one of the matted tendrils.

“I will save it,” Asha said. “Don’t cut it before I try to do something for it.”

“If you insist.” There was a long pause. Crickets chirped. “Are you going to do it?”

“Do what?” Asha asked.

“Gather the water,” Yuni said matter-of-factly.

“I suppose I should get started on that,” Asha mused. Sitting down, she propped her chin up with a hand. “Let me think a moment.”

“What do you have to think about?” Yuni asked.

“I haven’t done something like this before,” Asha muttered. “I need to figure something out.”

“You have no-”

“Quiet!” Asha hissed, eyes blinking closed. She breathed in.

Out.

In. On this breath, Asha siphoned the energy from the grass around her, simultaneously filling her lungs with breath and the place beneath her heart with energy. She didn’t breathe. Visualizing the pull of the water toward her before allowing the energy to flow out, she stilled her body. It seemed the only motions it made was her heart pumping, blood flowing like rivers through her veins.

When it seemed her lungs would burst, she breathed out, expelling the energy with her breath. Reaching out with her mind, she found the dew. Her hands trembled in her lap as she pulled thousands of tiny droplets toward her.

The waterskin. She forgot the waterskin!

Clenching her jaw, she condensed the droplets into a ball of water. “Get the waterskin!” Asha commanded, voice soft as if speaking too loudly would shatter the magic. She opened her eyes. A small orb of clear water hovered before her eyes. Flicking her eyes to the side, she saw Yuni, holding the container open, an unreadable expression in her eyes.

A pit of worry began to eat away at the insides of her stomach, but she disregarded it, pushing the feeling to the back of her head. “Ready?” she asked shakily.

“Yes,” Yuni answered clearly.

Unconsciously, Asha began to move her hands as she fed the water into the container as if she were guiding it with the fingertips. Water snaked from the orb into the mouth of the waterskin. Slowly, the orb began to shrink, reminiscent of a ball of yarn unraveling.

A smile slid its way onto Asha’s face as she fed the last of the water into the waterskin.

“Incredible,” Yuni said, closing the container.

Pride tickled her insides, but Asha refused to allow it to show on her face. “It was nothing,” she said as she stood up.

“It was still amazing to see,” Yuni pressed. “I could never do something so wonderful.”

Silently, Asha disagreed, but she said nothing. There was no time to argue. “We need to get a move on.”

“But we have not yet eaten breakfast,” Yuni argued.

“We can eat later.” Asha picked up her cloak, fastening it around her shoulders though she knew that before noon it would grow too hot to keep on. “Right now, we should cover as much ground as possible.”

“If you insist,” Yuni said. Swiftly, she packed everything in their one bag, slinging it over her shoulder.

“It’s just getting too hot to be traveling when the sun is at its peak. We really should start getting our sleep during the day and walking at night.” Yuni didn’t reply, only looking ahead to the path that they were to take. “Let’s go,” Asha said to herself more than to Yuni.


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Wed Oct 11, 2017 5:02 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Totally not procrastinating...

Nit-picks:

It was barely sundown, but Asha was breathing heavily, sweat dripping from her hairline and blurring her vision.

I'm unsure why that's a "but", like what bearing it being sundown has on this.

Those words hung in the air for a moment before dissipating. “I can make it rain,” Asha stated.

“When will you?” Yuni asked. It was a bold question, but her voice was anything but.

I think Yuni should have had a beat of surprise here. Or if you'd rather have it intense like this without disrupting the flow doing something that signals she's getting straight to the point to the reader eg looking right into Asha's eyes with a level head or something like that. Her not-bold voice would be an interesting contrast to that as well as to the boldness of the statement.

It was a marked change from the mantra everyone whispered to her during her training: you can’t; you can’t; you can’t.

maybe a wee bit tell-y

Asha paused. “Cut your hair? Your long, beautiful hair?” she asked, appalled.

I think I want something more specific than "paused" here, or just extra description. It could read like she's hesitating while she tries to decide what to say (as I did) but it's more that she's aghast and doesn't say anything while she processes this. Eyes widening or nearly taking a step back would cover this.

Overall:

This was a really interesting piece of character development. It was something we hadn't seen before that I could see causing a rift between them at some point ie that Asha is too nervous to admit that she's not confident which may result in her lying about her abilities which I'm sure could get her into plenty of trouble down the line somewhere.

My only problem is that it's been a while since the plot itself was advanced. I don't think you need like a sudden attack by the slavers that would totally throw everything off or anything, but I do have an idea. The characterisation you've introduced has the potential to cause problems at some point, why not make that more concrete. Maybe you could have Asha lie about her ability to do something specific that will have an important part to play later on. For example, she could insist that she is able to make it rain again, and there could be some sort of drought that Yuni remembers from last time she was in Yamuko that she wants Asha to try and fix. Asha is too scared to admit she isn't sure if she can do it, but she can't avoid it cos it's on the way to their destination. That would make the tension much stronger and feel like plot advancement even if it isn't really. (Assuming you wouldn't want the diversion of going to this place you could just have Asha make some sort of excuse or say she'd sort it after the human familiars crisis). This is just an example, but I hope it gets my point across. Feel free to get in contact if this doesn't make much sense.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:47 am
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Hey there! I haven't read any of this story before so I'm basing my review purely off of what was in this chapter.

First of all, your descriptions are excellent. They flow together well, it's easy to tell what you mean when you're reading them, and overall they're just written very good.

I think the dialogue, however, is where you're lacking a bit. Some of the dialogue in this feels...unnatural, particularly Yuni's. Like, I couldn't hear anyone talking like this in real life. Also, there are several times when you put dialogue tags when you don't really need them; i.e., you can already tell who's speaking without them. Here's an example of both some unnatural sounding dialogue and some unnecessary dialogue tags:

*Asha flopped down where she was, her back having grown impervious to the uneven ground. Pushing herself up with one arm, she wiped dirt from her eyes with the other. “We need water,” Asha murmured.

Yuni dropped the bag unceremoniously and sat beside her. “We do.”

Those words hung in the air for a moment before dissipating. “I can make it rain,” Asha stated.

“When will you?” Yuni asked. It was a bold question, but her voice was anything but.

“I won’t,” Asha said, gnawing on her bottom lip. She looked at the skirt of her dress, hem ripped and ragged, gray, instead of black, from the dirt. She absently picked at a hangnail, rolling an idea around in her head, and then around with her tongue before she spoke. “I’m going to gather the dew tomorrow morning. It’ll take less energy.”*

I'd say you could git rid of "Asha murmured," "Yuni asked," and "Asha said," and nothing would be harmed any since we can already tell who is speaking. This isn't the only example of this, but it's the only one I'm pointing out(unless you want me to). And as I said before, the dialogue just feels really weird here.

And now that I've pointed out your biggest problem, I'm just gonna point out a couple of small things throughout the story.

This:

*As the days passed, it seemed to Asha that they were walking up a gradual incline. She said so to Yuni.

“You are right,” Yuni said.*

Would sound better like this:

As the days passed, it seemed to Asha that they were walking up a gradual incline. She said so to Yuni, who agreed.

This line:

*It was a bold question, but her voice was anything but.*

Doesn't really make sense to me. I think that one should probably be reworded.

This part:

*“Quiet!” Asha hissed, eyes blinking closed. She breathed in.

Out.

In. On this breath, Asha siphoned....*

Sounds a bit weird to me. I think it would probably sound better maybe something along the lines of this:

"Quiet!" Asha hissed, eyes blinking closed. She breathed in. And then out. In again. And on this breath, Asha siphoned....

There's a few other small things like this in this chapter that could probably use some slight changes, but I'm sure you get the point. The last thing i want to suggest is, when you use dialogue tags, don't use so many synonyms for said. Like, you used murmured, mused, pressed, muttered, stated, etc. It's usually best just to use said, with maybe a few of these mixed in now and then.

And that's about it! Overall this was pretty good, especially your descriptions. Just needs a bit of work on the dialogue, along with a few things that could be written to sound a little smoother. I hope this helped and I didn't come across too harsh or anything. And if you need any help, want me to review something else, just want to talk, whatever, just hit me up and I'd be happy to. Good work so far and good luck continuing! :)




inktopus says...


Yuni's stilted speaking was an intentional choice. She is not a native speaker, so while she is fluent, she doesn't really speak the same way someone who is more comfortable in the language or even someone who learned from hearing other, normal people, talk rather than from a specific teacher.

The in out in thing was also a stylistic choice. I could see how some people might not like it, but it flows better, in my opinion, than any other way I thought of.

I do need to work on my dialogue tags. I think I've been thinking too much about them lately because this never used to be an issue I had.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to review!




"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov