z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 15

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Asha didn’t want to wait, so she lied to Yuni. “Yes, Yuni. I feel better. I think that all of my strength is back,” Asha huffed. “Now stop asking me, and let’s get a move on!”

“I just wanted to be sure,” said Yuni, shouldering the bag. “I am going to be carrying everything. I do not quite trust you. And do not think that you can teleport us. We are going to go on foot. The western Yamukan border is very wide, so we will reach it if we just head east.”

Asha nodded. “Of course.” Walking out to the edge of the cave, she squinted out into the light. “You know, teleporting doesn’t have to take any of my life force. I’d just use plants like usual.”

“It dizzies you,” Yuni stated. “I do not want you getting sick.”

“If you insist,” Asha conceded. Dull footsteps thudded on the floor of the cave before coming to a stop beside Asha.

“Let’s go,” Yuni said.

It took all of ten minutes for Asha to get bored.

Over the weeks that they had traveled side by side, Asha had begun to feel quite comfortable around Yuni. Not like those first awkward days where the silence was a blister, sometimes popping and the pus oozing out, but always quickly reforming. Asha couldn’t quite put her finger on when their relationship had changed from two strangers to close friends with a mission.

Asha remembered what had happened the last time she asked Yuni about Yamuko. However, she believed that this time, it would be different.

She closed her eyes as they waded through hip high grass, the dry stalks rustling as they brushed past. “What’s Yamuko like?”

From beside her, Asha heard a fond sigh. “I want you to be surprised,” Yuni said.

Blinking her eyes open, she glowered at Yuni. “I hate surprises,” she grumbled.

Yuni laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners like when she smiled. “Well, I like surprises,” she said. “It is fun to daydream about what could be.”

“Maybe for you,” Asha muttered. “I don’t like waiting.”

Letting out an amused breath, Yuni shook her head. “I will not tell you about Yamuko, but I will tell you about something else.” She let the offer hang there, almost an anvil, above their heads.

Asha hesitated before she opened her mouth to speak. “Tell me about your time in Merdon. Before me.”

Instantly, everything seemed a little darker, a little colder. The air became dense. As if it were a bad omen, a cloud drifted in front of the sun, casting a shadow onto the grasslands.

Asha could see Yuni’s throat work into a swallow before she said anything. “I am the youngest daughter of the emperor, my father, and my duty as the youngest daughter is to marry into another family to secure an alliance.

Tensions between Yamuko and Malland had been high for decades; long before even my grandfather was born. My own father was the only son of his father, so there was no way to secure an alliance, even if both countries had wanted one.

When I was born and my parents saw that they had a daughter, it was understood that I would be the pawn in allying ourselves with Malland. I knew and accepted this, but I did not fully comprehend what it meant for myself.” Yuni paused in walking and pulled the top from one of the tall grasses, plucking the seed from the head. With a long, resigned exhale through her nose, she began walking again, her long legs easily catching up with Asha’s pace.

“How old were you when you were sent to Malland?” Asha found herself asking. She had never given it much thought until right then, but it could have been years since Yuni had last spoken to her family.

“Nineteen,” Yuni replied. “Two years ago. I brought a lady in waiting with me. I am afraid that I left her behind the night I ran away from the palace. She was my only friend for two years, and I thought nothing of abandoning her.” She rubbed the back of her neck, a guilty frown was not only visible on her lips, but in her eyes and the furrowed wrinkles of her forehead. “I hope she is well,” she whispered to herself, eyes fixed on the ground as she walked.

Asha almost regretted bringing up the subject. Almost. She relished getting to know more about her companion. Though Yuni used to seem so mysterious, the veneer soon wore off, but Asha never did learn much about her past. Well, until now.

Just before Asha could speak to prompt Yuni into talking again, Yuni said, “For the first few months I was there, the prince, Magnus, he was very cordial. He spoke kindly to me-”

“Wait,” Asha said. “Why didn’t you marry him right away?”

“I am sure you know how ascendancy to the throne works,” Yuni began. “The king has a daughter, Margot, I believe, who is older than Magnus. She is the true heir to the throne unless she is married before she can ascend. From what I understand, Margot is not the most level-headed, so the king wished to have Magnus take the throne instead. As such, Magnus and I could not be wed until Margot was. It was difficult for the king to even find a suitor willing to court her, so Magnus and I were never married.”

Asha hummed. She never did pay much attention to the royal family, always preferring to focus on her studies.

“Magnus- he was not the most stable either. He would become angry over nothing, and I often saw him beating servants. It did not take long for Misaki, my lady in waiting, to be the object of his rage. Whenever I tried to rescue her, he would become furious with the both of us. We quickly learned not to speak unless spoken to.”

“That must have been awful,” Asha said quietly as if speaking too loudly would rob her words of their sincerity.

“It was life,” Yuni said, just as quietly.

Things were silent and still between them as they walked. Around them, the wind rustled dry grass and birds cawed overhead. A quarter of a mile away, a group of pronghorns bounded in the opposite direction. Asha was reminded of Yuni’s stride: strangely similar to that of the animals’.

The silence dragged on for a moment too long; Asha couldn’t stand it. Yuni sneezed.

“The sun’s bright, isn’t it?” Asha choked out in an attempt to free them from the dead quiet in the air.

“Yes,” Yuni replied stiltedly.

“I think it’ll get dark soon, don’t you?” Asha stammered.

“Yes,” Yuni said.


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Points: 709
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Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:02 pm
marie1larsen wrote a review...



Hey! Here is a review for your story!
My corrections are in parenthesis ()

Your sentence: I think that all of my strength is back,” Asha huffed.
My correction: I think (I took out extra wording here) my strength is back,” Asha huffed.

Your sentence: “I just wanted to be sure,” said Yuni, shouldering the bag. “I am going to be carrying everything. I do not quite trust you. And do not think that you can teleport us. We are going to go on foot. The western Yamukan border is very wide, so we will reach it if we just head east.”
My correction: “I (took out words here) wanted to be sure,” said Yuni, shouldering the bag. “I am going to (carry) everything(, because I don't trust you yet.) (I don't think) you can teleport us. We (will travel) on foot. The western Yamukan border is very wide, so we will reach it (by heading) east.”

Your sentence: When I was born and my parents saw that they had a daughter, it was understood that I would be the pawn in allying ourselves with Malland.
My correction: When I was born and my parents saw (I took out that) they had a daughter, (I became-may sound more direct than- it was understood- if it still works in your context) the pawn in allying ourselves with Malland.

Your sentence: Over the weeks that they had traveled side by side, Asha had begun to feel quite comfortable around Yuni. Not like those first awkward days where the silence was a blister, sometimes popping and the pus oozing out, but always quickly reforming. Asha couldn’t quite put her finger on when their relationship had changed from two strangers to close friends with a mission.
My correction: Over the (next few/couple) weeks (of traveling) side by side, Asha (began) to feel quite comfortable around Yuni. (It was different than the) first awkward days (had been, where silence had been) a blister, (where) popping pus (oozed out to just quickly reform). Asha couldn’t quite put her finger on (it); when (had their relationship changed) from two strangers to close friends (on) a mission(?) -I thought the last sentence sounded better as a question.

Your sentence: “The sun’s bright, isn’t it?” Asha choked out in an attempt to free them from the dead quiet in the air.
My correction: “The sun’s bright, isn’t it?” Asha choked out in an attempt to free them from (a) dead quiet(ness) in the air.


This was very enjoyable to read. I think the main thing for you is, maybe try to take out extra wording that doesn't need to be there and check your sentences to see if they flow and feel good!

Overall you are a talented writer and have really good detail in your work!

I'm excited to read the next chapter!




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Sat Sep 23, 2017 7:43 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, sorry I didn't get to this sooner. I've had a very sleepy day.

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Asha didn’t want to wait, so she lied to Yuni. “Yes, Yuni. I feel better. I think that all of my strength is back,” Asha huffed.

That second "Asha" might as well be "she" since it's pretty obvious who it is (and for some reason I think pronouns flow better).

Yuni laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners like when she smiled. “Well, I like surprises,” she said. “It is fun to daydream about what could be.”

“Maybe for you,” Asha muttered. “I don’t like waiting.”

I just want to reassure you that you've done the waiting bit well. It seems natural, and there's even enough characterisation slipped in that it could easily look like this was your plan all along ^.^

"Tensions between Yamuko and Malland had been high for decades

Usually when a new paragraph starts within direct speech, speech marks are put at the start of each new paragraph.

her long legs easily catching up with Asha’s pace.

Would Asha not have paused when she paused, rather than just kept walking?

Well, until now.

That's maybe just a wee bit too direct to the fourth wall.

Overall:

That certainly was a good insight into Yuni's backstory. First of all I should note that you managed to avoid infodumping, even with I think at one point three paragraphs of direct speech in a row, which is pretty difficult. The backstory itself was interesting too, and it really made Yuni feel even more real to me. The emotions of the two characters were also clear and well paced.

My only real criticism is that it felt a little abstract. By this I mean that there wasn't a lot of setting. There was the bit with the long grass, but other than that I'm not really sure what I'm picturing. For one thing, are they on roads, a path? Or are they avoiding them altogether? Are they deep in the forest? Sometimes it's just a little difficult to place them and I think this was one of those times. That's probably my only problem with this chapter though, so good job!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




inktopus says...


they're basially wading through hip high grass atm. It's really just flat grassy plain, though you have got me thinking on how the scenery will change.




But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red