Young Writers Society

Heya star! Incoming review of 2020 star poetry that was actually 2018 star poetry. But star poetry nonetheless. Let's dive in!

I think I see a lovely trend of your poetry of being kind, delectate, and gentile. I can't stop reading your first stanza. It grazes my heart and I keep wanting that touch, so I keep re-reading it. Your rhyming scheme for it is just *chef's kiss* and it paints such a vivid picture in my head that I want to paint it. I can see her with her delicate star crown, the soft glow of her hair, her galaxy shot eyes, and a radiant persona. But even with this seemingly perfect girl, there is already this aura of tension that she isn't happy. Your use of the past tense makes it apparent.

Now for the second stanza. Our girl is not picture prefect, her heart is cracking, breaking. I think something that sets this stanza out from others a person might write is that you only show her "suffering" in one line. Someone (like myself) would have probably made each line correspond with each other previous line in the first stanza, breaking the image of the perfect stargazer. But I like how with the first three lines you build up to the condition of her heart.

behind her perfect, starlit mask.

her shattered heart collecting dust -

Oh my gosh... star... This is beautiful.

I love everything about this-- the figurative language, the rhyme scheme, the emotion... Oh, it's just perfect.

You've called your character a Stargazer, but I'm not so sure that I'm not the Stargazer and that she's a star. Or maybe both? Hmm... I'll have to mull that over, won't I? XD It's definitely a unique poem, and I really love it!

I have no negative feedback, although I would capitalize everything that you normally would because I feel like capitalization should be used with punctuation. =P

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!! <3

Hey Star!

As you did a review on my super old poetry, I'm here to review for you too
Happy RevMo! I'm not the best at reviewing poetry as you may have noticed from my other attempts on your work, but I'll do my best

This feels very fantasy/otherworldly. You've got some beautiful imagery in here: some of my favourites being 'moonbeams threaded in her hair' and 'tears of glass and stardust'.

You've already noted below that your rhymes here weren't the best, but I actually quite like that they aren't complete rhymes. For me, it adds to the feel of mystical imagery.

For me, the first stanza was incredibly strong. It has beautiful imagery and it is the perfect introduction to your poem.
I love this:

her eyes held the galaxy

This poem is wonderful! I can't begin to imagine how you wrote something so ethereal and dare I say it, [I]magical[/I}. However the rhymes are a little weak, but that's not really what's bugging me. Your poem seems to lack rhythm, if you know what I mean. I found myself having to reread a few lines, which ruined the flow. What usually helps me with this is coming up with a literal rhythm to read the poem to. it doesn't have to be anything special, but it really helps make sure the syllable count and rhyme scheme help the reader along through the poem. Another great method is enjambment. Since you seem to enjoy poetry, you might already be familiar with this term, so feel free to skip this whole section if you're already well versed.

Enjambment is basically cutting off a sentence or complete thought on one line and finishing it on another. A fantastic example of enjambment would be the poem 'Sleeping in the Forest' by Mary Oliver. This line in particular is my favorite use.

"All night I rose and fell, as if in water,/ Grappling with a luminous doom." Obviously, I'm not comparing your skills in poetry to that of a famous poet, but this tool essentially makes your audience more curious about what is written on the next line, smoothing the transition and typically improving the overall reading experience. I'm sorry this was so long, but I hope I was able to help, or at least give you something to think about.

Hi! RoseAndThorn here to review this piece!

Okay, so first, I think you have a very good grasp on imagery. I absolutely loved what you did in the first stanza. It paints such a vivid picture of... majesty, I guess. I was enraptured.

Now, the second and third parts, I have a little bit of a problem with. You've ready stated that she "was the sun and all it's flares". That could be interpreted many ways, but in context, again, it brings to mind a picture of majesty. Her wearing that majesty as a facade is understandable, but here I think you've already stated that she is what she appears to be.

Another thing I'd like to point out- after such breathtaking description in the first stanza, the second and third seem to fall a little flat. At this point you're just describing the facts. And words like "perfect", "flawless", "crack", "shattered"- these are all points that seem a little tired and could use a little sprucing up. We've already seen that you can craft a masterful and vivid image of beauty- these two stanzas could use some of that skill to show the heaviness of the situation.

That's about all I have to say. Overall I think you're a very talented poet- you just need to remember to keep consistent with your imagery. The dark parts deserve as much skillful crafting as the brilliant parts.

Hello, I'm Shay. I'm going to review your poem.

It has a very fantasy-esque tone. It's magical how you use phrase like "tears of glass and stardust," "starlit mask," "moonbeams threaded in her hair," "her eyes held the galaxy." I also love the metaphor "she was the sun and all its flares."

While having a fantasy-esque tone, the mood is quite dark once you tell the other half of the story. "Her heart was just starting to crack," "she lived in her dark vastness," "her shattered heart collecting dust." The mood suggests she's suffering through hard times.

I like how you use the "don't judge a book by its cover" theme to get your point across. It's very sad. It reminds me of a story I read about a girl who was popular, and the narrator thought the girl was perfect, but then found out about the popular girl's hard time.

Over all, this was beautiful. Keep writing.

Shay.

Hi StarlitMind!

My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give you to a quick review. I also see that you're relatively new to YWS, and I hope you're enjoying your time here thus far.

I really enjoyed reading your poem. I don't have much to criticize, because I thought you did a wonderful job painting a picture of this young woman and the stars for the reader. It's structured well and has a nice flow when read out loud. I love anything about the moon/nighttime/night sky, so this was right up my alley.

The main thing is that the rhyme scheme is inconsistent. It's good in the first stanza, but slips in the second and third. I know I struggle a lot with rhyming, which is why I don't do it most of the time, but poems generally have to rhyme the entire time or not at all, so I would consider what you want to go for. I think your poem could work either way!

Hope this helps! Please keep writing, and don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions!

Cheers,
Elinor