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Gears

by StarlitMind


i swear i can feel things 

             

when i watched the little girl's tiny fingers

unravel around the balloon's wispy string,

letting the ball of emptiness float away

into the bounded infinities,

i swear i felt my rusted fingers clench in pain

            

and when i watched the two sit on the tired, groaning bench

when he revealed her unrequited love,

leaving her heart to wither with the bleeding roses,

i swear i felt my metal heart drop

            

and when i watched him forget the way happiness felt,

light shut out from his two rain-stained windows,

and doors forever strangled with parasitic vines,

i swear i felt all my wires combust

            

but when they point their unforgiving fingers at me,

little kids screeching Mommy, look at that robot!

i wonder if i can really feel anything at all


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Sun May 31, 2020 11:28 pm
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Katteex wrote a review...



Hello there Starlit!

First thing I'll say would be that your title is already great for the poem. It defines a part of a robot that humans perceive as the reason why it can't feel anything. What I like about this poem is that, even if it's a defence for a robot, humans can relate to it too. When you broaden the topic, it tackles one's identity. People were constrained by the idea that "robots" don't feel things, that's why, despite knowing it has the ability to feel, it still questions it. Historically, certain races and even a whole sex (female) were discriminated because of the idea tha they aren't as capable as white males. Although they have so much potential in them, they were reduced to servants or are forcibly kept as housewives.

My first suggestion would be: to write a stanza or continue your last stanza with a description of what the robot would feel. There was no stanza where he was directly involved. So I think you should focus on that. It could help the readers understand how he reacts more.

Second, the line

little kids screeching Mommy, look at that robot!


Is a bit weird. It is a robot and it couldn't do anything about it. That's what it is. But it thought (i wonder if i can really feel anything at all) makes it sound like it doesn't want to be defined that way. It implies that the robot itself believes that robots don't feel things. It doesn't have a great message because this isn't acceptance, it's a certain kind of denial. I think what you're trying to say from the whole poem is that even if it's a robot it has the ability to feel. I hope you could show that by paraphrasing your last stanza a little bit. Describe possible ways where people assume that a robot has no emotions, but the robot's thoughts prove that he does have one. For example, this robot is a student (maybe because of a science experiment or a research scientists are trying to prove) but is isolated because of what it is. The alienation has massively affected the robot mentally.

I hope my review is clear. You don't have to accept every suggestion I have, it's still up to you :) Again, this is a nice poem. Keep writing!

SENDING LOVE, Kattee



Come by Katteelog if you want more sweet reviews <3.




StarlitMind says...


Thank you so much for your review! I'll definitely take into consideration what you said. Thanks again :)



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Sun May 31, 2020 12:34 am
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KahleneTenorio wrote a review...



Hi, this is Kahlene, I saw this poem in the Green Room so I thought I'd give a review!

This poem is very sweet and nicely written. There is context and the poem never drags on which I love, I dislike poems that drags on and has no context. The whole poem tells a story about a Robot that believes they can feel feelings correct. I interpreted that when the child screamed when they saw them, the Robot felt numb, being numb is a feeling yet you don't feel anything. Please correct me if I am incorrect.

This poem has good imagery in it, you write good details so the reader could understand what was going on. This is a huge thing to make sure if when writing if the reader doesn't understand what they are reading they tend to get bored and discontinue reading. In your case that is not a problem. There are also no problems that I can spot in this poem so it may end short, which is a good thing because that means your poem had little to no errors.

The error I did see is capitalization, this is very important. It may be a minor problem but it is good to reread before posting so you can correct any errors.

Anyway, that's all I had for now. I hope you continue writing so I could review more of your works. I hope you have a good day.




StarlitMind says...


Thank you so much for your review and kind words! ^^
I didn't have in mind that the robot feels numb when the child screamed, but I love that interpretation! That's what makes poetry fun to me, when you get to read other people's interpretations on it. Thank you for that!
As for capitalization, in poetry, the rules of grammar pretty much become nonexistent. You don't have to capitalize things. In this poem, I did not capitalize purposefully, as it was a stylistic choice.
Thank you so much again for you words! I also hope you have a good day/night <3 :)





Oh sorry, I didn't know, that was my bad. But anyway, you're welcome! ^-^



StarlitMind says...


Aw don't apologize! I really appreciate it <3



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Fri May 29, 2020 7:23 am
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yubbies21 wrote a review...



Hey Starlit! This is my first review in like five years, so I'm sorry if I'm rusty.

I love the use of lowercase letters in this poem. I love the way it looks and makes the poem feel. For some reason, I am never able to commit to it fully; my internal editor holds me back. But writing purposefully with all lowercase shows an excellent grasp of the concept of poetry versus prose. In prose, it shows a lack of competency, whereas, in poetry, it demonstrates artistic freedom. For me, the lack of capital letters in poetry shows an author who makes conscious decisions to form their writing in whatever way they choose.

This piece tells a story. The moment snapshots you give are descriptive and packed full of compelling details. I can see the images frozen in time, the sadness that prevails. I am curious to learn more about the story behind the robot. These stanzas prove internally that they can feel pain and sorrow, but is that all? Can this robot feel other emotions or sensations? This poem could perhaps become even more potent than it already is through expanding the robot's emotional spectrum and experiences.

There is one phrase that didn't feel quite right to me. Line 5 reads "into the bounded infinites," I understand the word bounded to have a meaning similar to enclosed or limited, while infinites elicits a reverse image in my mind. As well, Grammarly is continuously asking me to check my spelling as I quote the word "infinites." I'm not sure if you intended for it to be that way or if it is a typo meant to be "infinities" instead. In either case, I still feel as if the two words are fighting against one another rather than working together.

As for a title, I think "Gears" works well enough, but it didn't prepare me for what this poem was. I struggle with naming poetry. I always end up telling myself that if the title doesn't add to the poem, then it doesn't need one. However, to post poetry to many places, a title is required, so I end up slapping one on at the last second.

Overall, I enjoyed your poem! I encourage you to keep writing and keep exploring emotional snapshots in your poetry because you have a real talent for it!

-yubbies21




StarlitMind says...


Hey, welcome back! <3
Thank you for all of your lovely comments! That%u2019s so true, I didn%u2019t even think of other emotions; I only wrote about pain and sadness. Thank you for pointing that out!! I%u2019ll definitely go back and add stanzas reflecting other emotions.
On my screen, it reads %u201Cbounded infinities.%u201D Sorry for the confusion! I%u2019m not sure why it reads differently. I%u2019ll go back and change that.
Again, thank you so much for your comments! I appreciate it very much :)



StarlitMind says...


Wow, that was a mess xD hopefully it is still readable haha




You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott