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Hey,Heart

by Sree


Hey heart, I am speaking to you, are you there?

I feel as if, my path of life leads nowhere,

Every minute passes with a scare.

To sum it up, my life ain't all that fair.

I have a huge desire to live my life,

But here's my fate standing with knife.

Kidnapped by my fate,

My life is on debate.

what might be the conclusion?

All i see is a good illusion.

At last they ask for my opinion,

they've dead ears,am a bird with no pinion.

Now, I have lost my voice.

I am considered as novice.

They say, they know what's best for me,

But do they know what makes me happy?

There is no answer from my heart.

Hey! You there? My hands go for sheathing.

lap-tap,yeah,I am breathing.

Anyway what does my damn heart know?

all it gets is impacts of a heavy blow.

All these feeling of blue,

provokes me to speak to you.

But no consolation i receive,

Oh wait, I do, I cry to grieve.

That makes me feel better,Cry!

That's it, I choke;conversation over, bye.

"Watch movie! " a voice booms,

Hi,mind! in my face joy blooms.

Now I am a happy nitwit

lap tap-lap

lap tap-lap,

lap tap-lap

lap-tap-lap,...

Oh,my heart has some wit.


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Fri Jun 08, 2018 10:14 pm
Wriskypump wrote a review...



I see you have updated this since last night! TBH I may have enjoyed the first version better, although this version is more raw and potent in its delivery so that makes them about equal but having a vantage from a different scope.

Overall not much I can find that could be seriously improved, just some minor things.
-------------------------

"But here's my fate standing with knife." - this line sounds a little choppy to me

"they've dead ears,am a bird with no pinion." - (I) am a bird with no opinion?

"all it gets is impacts of a heavy blow." - This line is really generalized and is almost a waste of your time because it gives us more words without giving us any specific insight.

I like the happy nitwit line :D that's got some humor to it.


As for the poem as a whole, I would have liked to known some of the struggles your heart is dealing with. Somehow could examples be provided for your grief, even if it is only a line or two?

I did read your poem the Sculptor, and that was Marvelous!




Sree says...


Thanks for the review! By this line: they've dead ears,am a bird with no pinion.

I related a bird with no flight feathers( pinion) with me with no voice.
I'll edit this work, thanks for the suggestions :)



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Tue May 29, 2018 7:21 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi again!

Line-by-line

1. The first line is a little long/ wordy to really draw the writer in. We don't get many words as poets so it's really key to use them carefully. I think this could become 'Hey heart, I am speaking, are you there?' or 'Hey heart, my words are mountains, can you climb? if you want to be a bit more metaphorical.

2.

I feel as if, my path of life leads nowhere,
Again, you don't need to use as many words. You could leave out 'of life' and it would read the same.

3. The rhymes are a little simple. Sometimes it feels like you're choosing the first word which rhymes rather than the one which fits best. Have a think and use a rhyming thesaurus - sometimes you'll be surprised by the imagery/ the turn your poem takes when you find the right word! For example:

At last they ask for my opinion,
they've dead ears,am a bird with no pinion.

This could become:

At last they ask for my timid opinion
but soft words can't bring them under my dominion.

Or sometimes when the rhyme is too hard, you need to use the thesaurus instead to find an easier word.

4. Remember what I said earlier about brevity - the section below only really says one thing - that the speaker is sad and crying. It says it several times in different ways but it could really be covered in one word. Always try to find the shortest and clearest way to get your message across :)

All these feeling of blue,
provokes me to speak to you.
But no consolation i receive,
Oh wait, I do, I cry to grieve.
That makes me feel better,Cry!
That's it, I choke;conversation over, bye.

Overall

I think you have a good emotional range in this poem but maybe think about breaking it into a few stanzas to make it easier to read. I also like that the story seems to be a search to understand oneself and that's a really strong theme. There's some improvements you could make on clearing the message up or making the imagery more stronger - at the moment it's quite literal and doesn't have one set theme.

Keep up the good work!

~Heather




Sree says...


Thank you so much. I'll focus on the suggestions given. Learning a lot!



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Sun May 27, 2018 2:19 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey Sree! Per your request I am here to review your work, Hey, Heart. With that being said, please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you find unhelpful.

My overall opinion:

I love that your poem here analyzes the narrator's life and his/her heart's desires. It seems to go in depth with the narrator's own frustration at the conflict between their heart, mind, and the circumstances of their being. I definitely enjoyed reading your poem, and found it somewhat relateable.

What I Liked:

I have a huge desire to live my life,

But here's my fate standing with knife.


This is VERY relateable, i think, for many people. We often find ourselves wanting to progress or do something in particular and it seems "fate" has a different idea in store for us.

Anyway what does my damn heart know?

all it gets is impacts of a heavy blow.


I love that this statement/line seems to emphasize the idea that our hearts tend to motivate our actions and this can and often does lead to heartache, or as you worded it "impacts of a heavy blow". Very unique way to word it, as well. :)

"Watch movie! " a voice booms,

Hi,mind! in my face joy blooms.


These lines, I also rather enjoy, because it seems to say that our minds often give us the answers that we want or what makes us feel comfortable and happy without any pain involved, such as with the heart which leads to heartache.

My Suggestions:

Hey heart, I am speaking to you, are you there?


To sum it up, my life ain't that fair.


Maybe, "all that fair" instead of ain't.

That's it, I choke;my convo over, bye.


I would change this to:
That's it, I choke, conversation over. Bye.


As stated below, "convo", an shortened version of the actual word is less formal and may not be understood by all.


My favorite line, the last one again:

Oh,my heart has some wit.


I very much enjoyed reading over your poem! This one has a less-romantic/mushy feel and more of a..... Mind over heart type of feel. I love it! I can't wait to read more of your work. :)

Keep writing,

-Katja




Sree says...


Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I'll make the corrections now :)



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Wed May 23, 2018 3:54 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who feels that life is going wrong and has a conversation with his own heart which refuses to answer.

Things I like:

I like the personification of the heart and the speaker’s attempt to communicate with it in search of answers as if it were some sage.

I like the way that fate is also personified by having it stranding menacingly with a knife in order to kidnap the speaker.

I also like the comparison of losing our voice because others might see us as a novice and our opinion is considered worthless. True, in that case we feel grounded and unable to soar like a bird towards our goals. This is expressed very nicely via comparison with a featherless voiceless bird.

I like the way that the frustrated mood is effectively conveyed and mixed with a humorous tone, in the last line in which the speaker makes fun of his own heart by mocking the beating sound and describing it in a comical way. I very often find humor in my bitter experiences, so I can easily identify with that reaction. LOL.

The speaker mentions being constantly scared. The pronoun “they” is used in reference to those who seem to provoke that emotion and try to dominate him. He tells us they assume to know what his happiness entails but really don’t.

They also appear to have control over his destiny. Why they do is the question. Is it because the speaker is not an adult and they have legal custody over him? What exactly motivates these people? Are they truly sincere in their efforts to help the protagonist or are they just faking concern for selfish reasons?

My Understanding

I understand the attempt to communicate with the heart as a search for meaning within the mind itself. Such a search for meaning very often leaves one as baffled as one was before. So in that way the heart is perceived as having remained silent.

Suggestions:

Atlast
[At last. . . .]

I feel like,
[I feel as if, . . . .]

my hands go for sheathing.
[My hands go for sheathing.]

Periods

every minute passes with a scare.
[Every minute passes with a scare.]

Now, I have lost my voice,
[Now, I have lost my voice.]

Now I am a happy nitwit.
Lap tapa-lap
lap tapa-lap,
lap tapa-lap
lap-tapa-lap, . . . .

Oh, my heart really has some wit.

Quotation Marks

Watch movie! a voice booms,
[“Watch movie!” a voice booms, . . . .]

Question Mark

Anyway what does my damn heart know,
[Anyway what does my damn heart know?]

Capitalization

oh wait, I do, I cry to grieve.
[Oh wait, I do, I cry to grieve.]

Hey! you there?
[Hey! You there?]
------------


Word Repetition

Please note that in poetry if word need not be repeated then it isn’t. If it is then it is unnecessarily repeated then the editor will considered it a waste of space and a teacher might suspect it as padding. true, there are strict poetic forms which demand repetition such as the Villanelle. Or if the words are part of a refrain of a ballad form. In such cases it is necessary to abide by those rules. Otherwise repetition should be avoided. The poem would read better if the use of the following words are reduced.

heart = 4
life = 4
my =11

Hey heart, I am speaking to you, there?

[Hey heart, I am speaking to you. Are you there?]


. . . . convo over, bye.

[This expression might confuse those unfamiliar with the urban usage of the word “convo". This because “convo” includes two “O’s” and the word conversation doesn’t.” So the writer is risking confusing a part of his readership.]

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=convo

All in all a very interesting poem with many thought-provoking poetic devices used.


-------------------------------------------------------




Sree says...


Thank you so much for the review,I'll follow the suggestions given.Thanks again for for time.Your reviews are ii-depth,learning a lot.



Sree says...


I have made the corrections.It is so great of you to give such reviews.



Radrook says...


Welcomed. Glad I could be of help.



Sree says...


I have placed the heart beside my poem :) Thanks!



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Wed May 23, 2018 11:59 am
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RachMilty wrote a review...



Hi there! I enjoy this poem a lot. It’s the perfect length I think, and has a nice rhyme scheme. My first suggestion would be to add a space at “Hey! You there?” This line would provide a perfect break in your poem. Length is good, but not if the reader rushes through things. That suggestion is up to your artistic vision though.
I don’t love the line “and they cut my pinion.” I feel like that could be written in a different and better way... and what is a pinion? An Opnion without the O? I went to a thesaurus to see if there are any words that are similar but also rhyme:

Impression, assumption, concession. I’d like to see if any of these inspire you but a line that came to my mind was “their ears were dead was my assumption” or something like that. Again, just a suggestion.
I see that you tried to fix your pole in the comments. You know that you can go back and edit your posted works right? It should be in the right hand of the screen under your profile list when you’re on the poem. You know what though, I actually like impacts as a plural. You could change it to “all it gets is impacts of a heavy blow.” Reads a bit easier.

Other than that I would just read through it with a fine comb cuase you have a few small convention errors like not being spaced properly or uncapitalized letters. Great Job! Can’t wait for the next one.




Sree says...


Thank you so much.It was way more helpful.I meant the 'pinion' as the birds wings.But, the line you suggested makes more sense.And i'll leave the impacts as plural.It is so great of you to your spare time for the reviews.You have become my mentor:)



Sree says...


Thank you so much.It was way more helpful.I meant the 'pinion' as the birds wings.But, the line you suggested makes more sense.And i'll leave the impacts as plural.It is so great of you to your spare time for the reviews.You have become my mentor:)



Radrook says...


Looks great!



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Wed May 23, 2018 6:58 am
Sree says...







I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope