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E - Everyone


by Squid

I find the sharp edges 
in every word you speak
I can't walk, I can't walk,
I feel the knives in my feet

My tongue tastes
like its had blood shed
I hear lots of voices
and theyre all full of regret
Where is my mind?
where is my mind?
I cant find it in these depths
I cant think, no control
youll never understand
never understand what they say

Youll never understand the pain

youll never understand
what I go through every day
they mock me, taunt me,
they teach me ways to hate

Im violent and impure
oh okay, oh okay

My tongue tastes like
its had blood shed
the voices in my head
teach me no regret.
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Cant find it in these depths
I cant think, no control,
Youll never understand

Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
No I wont find it again,
the voices have my mind,
and I wont find it again.

(please ignore all grammatical errors, my apostrophe key and other keys of my keyboard are broken, thank you).

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User avatar
272 Reviews

Points: 3455
Reviews: 272

Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:53 pm
cleverclogs wrote a review...

Phee, Phi, Pho, Phum, we're going to review until you're numb!

Hey there, Littleun! cleverclogs here representing Team Phi on this lovely review day!

These are great song lyrics, as far as I can tell. And it can be hard to tell on YWS because song lyrics are really meant to be sung, not read. But as I read these, I thought that they were great even without a melody. I can only imagine how awesome they'd be set to music. That being said, I have a few little nitpicks:

youll never understand
what I go through every day

You're right: I'll never understand. Not unless I develop schizophrenia, anyway. However, I don't really like when works say things like this, because it kind of alienates people who aren't schizophrenic/depressed/transgender/whatever it is I can't understand. To me, it feels like the poem is both helping me to at least try to understand, while telling me that I never can. It's a bit weird. I don't want to come off as ignorant or anything, but maybe rephrase it to something like, "you can never know" to prevent this. Sorry for this jumbled mess of a paragraph; I found it very hard to put what I wanted to say into words.

Also, I'd like to see this split up more specifically. For instance, label the verses, the chorus, the bridge, the pre-chorus. It'll kind of clean it up a little bit and add more structure to your song.

The imagery you've used is very powerful, as the previous reviewer pointed out. It conveys a lot of emotion. I can tell that this is very personal to you. I hope that this little tiny review proved useful; there just wasn't much more you to improve upon! Keep up the great work! :D

User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 2190
Reviews: 10

Wed Aug 19, 2015 10:44 am
illa ater rosa III wrote a review...

Hey Littleun!

My name is Illa. I will commence with my comment! (It's a real shame about your keyboard. My old one was destroyed by my pet squirrel; no joke!)

As someone diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder and clinical depression, I can relate deeply to this poem. I have to agree with FromWithin:

"Incredibly touching and full of emotion!"

It really is. I can see the blood, hear the voices... your imagery is powerful. The repetition of the phrase "where is my mind" is a very familiar feeling to me. It helps to create the feeling of confusion, desperation and fear that is so evident in your work.

Thank you for posting it. You'll find there are more people than you realise who can relate to your experiences.

User avatar
16 Reviews

Points: 754
Reviews: 16

Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:59 pm
FromWithin says...

Incredibly touching and full of emotion!

"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites