Hey there, Littleun! cleverclogs here representing Team Phi on this lovely review day!
These are great song lyrics, as far as I can tell. And it can be hard to tell on YWS because song lyrics are really meant to be sung, not read. But as I read these, I thought that they were great even without a melody. I can only imagine how awesome they'd be set to music. That being said, I have a few little nitpicks:
youll never understand
what I go through every day
You're right: I'll never understand. Not unless I develop schizophrenia, anyway. However, I don't really like when works say things like this, because it kind of alienates people who aren't schizophrenic/depressed/transgender/whatever it is I can't understand. To me, it feels like the poem is both helping me to at least try to understand, while telling me that I never can. It's a bit weird. I don't want to come off as ignorant or anything, but maybe rephrase it to something like, "you can never know" to prevent this. Sorry for this jumbled mess of a paragraph; I found it very hard to put what I wanted to say into words.
Also, I'd like to see this split up more specifically. For instance, label the verses, the chorus, the bridge, the pre-chorus. It'll kind of clean it up a little bit and add more structure to your song.
The imagery you've used is very powerful, as the previous reviewer pointed out. It conveys a lot of emotion. I can tell that this is very personal to you. I hope that this little tiny review proved useful; there just wasn't much more you to improve upon! Keep up the great work!
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Reviews: 274
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