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Young Writers Society


12+

Conqueror Rising: Chapter 3.5

by Snoink


Sergius walked out of the classroom with the girls and shut the door quickly behind him. Then he turned to Alainna and bowed. “You go on. I have something private to say to Solea.”

Alainna frowned. “No. The last time you wanted to talk privately with her, you threatened her. I’m not leaving her.”

Sergius glared at Alainna. “I will not threaten her.”

“Whatever you want to say, you can say it around Alainna,” Solea said firmly.

“Very well.” Sergius pointed to the classroom. “Back there, when you said those things about your father. When you talked about him not wanting you and your life being a mistake. Did you mean it? Or was it just an act?”

Solea turned bright red. “I think it’s pretty obvious that he has done his best to distance himself from me. He has always tried to pass me off to somebody else, from the moment I was born. He only took responsibility for me when there was no other option. Even you were surprised when you found out he had a daughter.”

“Of course I was surprised,” Sergius snapped. “My brother is severely deformed. He can barely move. We had to invent a new language for him, comprised of him tapping his beak, just so he could communicate with us. The mere idea that anyone would fall in love with him, let alone have a child with him, seems absurd to the point of impossibility. As far as him trying to pass you off to others, what other choice does he have? He physically can’t take care of you himself. His wife is dead. What else is he supposed to do? Neglect you entirely? Again, he is severely deformed!”

Solea shrugged, glaring at him. “He was strong enough to fight you off when he was defending me in the prison cell."

“The Lady was able to clobber him just by throwing a cloak at him,” Sergius snapped. “To say that he is desperately weak is an understatement. Do you seriously think we couldn’t have overpowered him if we wanted to? The only reason why we allowed him to stay with you was because we were afraid of hurting him. So we left you two alone and tried to figure out a way to take him out without hurting him. And by then, Archondid and Eurodities were able to step up and confirm his impossible story, so we released you.”

When Solea continued to glare at him, Sergius shook his head. “Look. Your father and I are not friends. We probably will never like each other. But try to be fair toward him! He will never be the best father in the world, but please do not think that he has completely abandoned you!”

“He told Cyrus that he was like an adopted uncle to me — an adopted uncle! — and you think that he hasn’t completely abandoned me?” Solea snapped. “How many more ways does he have to reject me before you realize that he is a bad father?”

And then she sank to the floor and started crying.

Sergius looked at her uncomfortably for a moment before he unpinned the white cloak that he wore and wrapped it around her.

It was white and beautifully soft and it seemed to make everything feel as if everything were bathed in light. Solea closed her eyes and wiped her tears on the cloak, and the cloak seemed to shimmer with magic.

Solea felt a hand touch her shoulder. When she looked up, she saw Sergius shifting uncomfortably.

“Child,” Sergius said strangely. “You have not been abandoned by your family. Am I not your uncle? Am I not here to serve you?”

It was then that the door opened and Cyrus stepped out, accompanied by Archondid at his heels. At the sight of Sergius standing over Solea, with Sergius’s cloak wrapped around her, Cyrus froze.

At first, Cyrus glanced at Alainna, who looked very uncomfortable. Then he looked back at Solea, who felt very much ashamed. Cyrus frowned. Then, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket, he knelt before Solea.

“A gift for you, lady,” he said, offering the handkerchief to her. “It’s clean,” he added quickly, when she looked surprised.

Solea took the handkerchief and wiped her face. “Thank you,” she muttered, suddenly feeling very silly.

Cyrus stood up and bowed to Solea. Then he nodded to Alainna.

And with that, Cyrus left.


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Thu Apr 20, 2023 7:20 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



When Solea continued to glare at him, Sergius shook his head. “Look. Your father and I are not friends. We probably will never like each other. But try to be fair toward him! He will never be the best father in the world, but please do not think that he has completely abandoned you!”


I find Sergius' actions to be odd in this one. If I'm this important swan and this idiotic teenage girl is trying to give me the glare treatment, I'd meet her gaze and call her out on it:

"You're glaring at me," Sergius observed wryly. "Do you intend to challenge me to a duel, or have you lost the ability to express your poorly developed thought processes? Do take your time and consider your next move carefully..."


I went with this because it simultaneously points out how rude she is to glare at him, how someone other than him might consider it to be a threat, the ridiculousness of her being a threat to him in the first place, and suggesting a more productive, pro-social means of resolving her conflict with him.

Maybe Solea has a valid point to make to Sergius, but even if he is open to hearing it, he wouldn't let her get away with acting rude towards him. He's demonstrated a sensitivity to this kind of behavior by sacking the headmistress and he wouldn't miss an opportunity to put Solea in her place.

Once she uses her words, then Sergius can continue to converse with her as you've outlined.

A dumb question: if Sergius wanted to have a private conversation with Solea, why not switch to speaking Swan? I don't know if Alainna has learned Swan at this point, if not it would put her in a comical position. At the very least, it would prevent a random servant from walking by and eavesdropping on the conversation.




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Sun Mar 26, 2023 10:04 pm
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Lexus2017RX350 wrote a review...



Overall, the story has a clear plot and well-defined characters. The dialogue is effective in revealing the characters' personalities and relationships with each other. The scene where Solea breaks down in tears is emotional and well-written, and the description of Sergius' cloak is vivid and adds a nice touch of magic to the story.

One thing that could be improved is the pacing. The conversation between Sergius and Solea feels a bit rushed, and it might benefit from some more development and elaboration. Additionally, the sudden appearance of Cyrus and Archondid at the end of the chapter feels a bit abrupt and could be better foreshadowed.

Overall, though, the story has potential and I'm interested to see where it goes from here. Good job!




Snoink says...


The conversation is supposed to be a little rushed... they just walked out of the classroom and are having the conversation quickly while the teacher (Cyrus) gathers his things. That's why Cyrus interrupts them -- he gathered up everything and is preparing to go home. ^^

Glad you liked that little snippet! :)





I see, sorry to misjudge. I liked it though!




"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore