dawn breaks the darkness

sometimes the sky is dark
because all the stars are in their eyes—
they shine, undefeated, determined
with promises yet unspoken
and a silent battle song
ready to fight on

and sometimes the dawn fails to come
until the darkness has burned away
with sparks igniting the shadows.
sometimes the sun won't rise
until it's ready to face the night
and let its healing rays cut through
the black ocean of the heavens—

and sometimes all the light needs
is you to lift a torch of hope.

Comments

Points: 227
Reviews: 14

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Wed Apr 07, 2021 4:38 am

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WishIHadASword wrote a review...

I am literally in LOVE with this poem! It's written so beautifully, and I want to read more like it! It's really inspiring to me and it makes me want to write poetry, although I'm no good at it haha. Whenever I reread this poem I describe it in my mind as pretty. Because it's just pretty sounding!

My favorite line/lines are when it says "sometimes the sky is dark because all the stars are in their eyes." That line is so powerful and emotional, and once again, I find it truly inspiring. I really wish that I could write things like that, it's AMAZING!! This is phenomenal writing, I hope you know that!

I've read hundreds of good poems, and this is definitely in my top five. Honestly, as I've said about half a gazillion times already, it's so beautiful!

What I'll close off by saying is that you really need to keep up the great work. Please write more stuff like this, you truly have a talent!

Keep up the awesome work! I'd love to see more!

SilverNight says...

Thank you! It means a lot c:

Points: 508
Reviews: 35

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Sat Feb 20, 2021 11:53 am

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rida says...

I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SilverNight says...

Thank you! :)

Points: 34255
Reviews: 386

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Thu Jan 07, 2021 12:43 am

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starlitmind wrote a review...

Hey you beautiful person <3 I thought I'd drop by a review on this lovely poem! c: I'm going to give an overall impression, and then probably do a line by line review.

I think this is super fitting for a New Years poem! I love the way you started out with a darker setting and then slowly progressed into the presence of hope, and you also included the idea of a "battle" -> the light is possible, but it can't come without a fight. I think that's especially fitting for how 2020 has been :p I also love your language; words like "sparks igniting the shadows" brings a really clear image in mind and is really effective. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem! c: It's beautiful, full of imagery, and has a storyline (we see a change throughout the poem), so I think this was really well done! ^_^ Not that I'm surprised or anything, since it's coming from you! Now on to more specific comments c:

sometimes the sky is dark

Like I mentioned, I love how you start out with a darker setting so we can progress into a lighter one. I do think that "dark" isn't a very strong word to use though -> you could replace it with a similar word, such as "jet black" or "inky," or you could even use this as a spot for some imagery. How about something like "sometimes the sky is swallowed by ghastly shadows," or whatever you'd like! Just a though

because all the stars are in their eyes—

Who exactly is "their"? This was the only part that I was a bit confused about. I think it would be cool if you could clarify so the reader can connect more with this poem!

they shine, undefeated, determined
with promises yet unspoken
and a silent battle song
ready to fight on

I love your use of words like "undefeated" and "determined" -> despite the sky being dark, there's still a fire within the their eyes. And the "silent battle song" is a really cool touch as well, because it gives the idea to me that some battles are fought in the shadows; not all struggles are apparent form the outside

and sometimes the dawn fails to come
until the darkness has burned away

Ahh, I love the idea of darkness burning away! A unique thought, and I love the image that line evokes. Just a suggestion - instead of saying "come," perhaps you could replace it with a stronger verb? Maybe something like "and sometimes the dawn fails to peek its (her?) head out" or "...fails to seep through" or whatever you'd like! Just another thing to consider c:

with sparks igniting the shadows.
sometimes the sun won't rise
until it's ready to face the night

Love the bit of alliteration you've got going on here! And I love the latter part of this; the idea that the sun has to fight the darkness before it can shine on the rest of us. I think that's really bittersweet actually, because it's like people fight so hard just to make others happy (that was the best way I could put it in words lol, it's kinda hard to explain what I mean cx) and we honestly take it for granted.

and let its healing rays cut through
the black ocean of the heavens—

Such pretty imagery! It actually seems a bit contradictory, because the heavens are usually associated with "light" and "white," so it's interesting to see it being described as a "black ocean." I love how the sun is "cutting" through it -> nice word choice there! The phrase "healing rays" does sound a bit odd to me, but 1.) it's probably just me, and 2.) I can't find a substitute for it. So I'll just leave you with that thought' I wanted to point it out in case it helped! ^^

and sometimes all the light needs
is you to lift a torch of hope.

I love (how many times am I going to say "love" lol) the idea that hope sometimes doesn't naturally occur - you also have to work for that bit of light, choose to be optimistic about the future. There is no fairy godmother going to save you, and sometimes you need to be the one that gives yourself light and hope. So introducing the idea of the reader needing to take action is a really nice touch <3

And that's all I got for you! Hopefully these comments can help you in some way or another c: Overall, I really enjoyed this gorgeous poem of yours. It's sweet, fitting for the occasion in my opinion, and has a clear theme. I love the development the poem takes the reader through, and your imagery was really effective, along with your word choice and language (my fav being how the sun "cuts"). I think you did a lovely job with this poem, and I hope to read more from you soon! ^_^ I hope this helped! <3

SilverNight says...

Star, this is a wonderful review! Thank you so much asdfghjkl <33333

Who exactly is "their"? This was the only part that I was a bit confused about. I think it would be cool if you could clarify so the reader can connect more with this poem!

I just wanted to show that it can be anyone who is fighting for the light, so I guess it's referring to everyone who's been struggling but holding on this year. That line just kinda flowed out of me, I didn't think about that much xD

Just a suggestion - instead of saying "come," perhaps you could replace it with a stronger verb? Maybe something like "and sometimes the dawn fails to peek its (her?) head out" or "...fails to seep through" or whatever you'd like! Just another thing to consider c:

Oooh, yes, I like that! I will keep that in mind c:

The phrase "healing rays" does sound a bit odd to me, but 1.) it's probably just me, and 2.) I can't find a substitute for it.

Thanks for pointing that out! Overall, this is an incredible review, and I really loved it! Thanks so much Star, you are beyond awesome <333333

starlitmind says...

Ooh, that makes sense, thanks for clarifying!! ^_^

DUDE HOW ARE YOU SO SWEET. YOU ARE THE DEFINITION OF AWESOME I SWEAR <3333333

SilverNight says...

<333333333

Points: 2385
Reviews: 267

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Mon Jan 04, 2021 2:22 am

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silented1 says...

This has a nice story and theme of inspiration to it.

SilverNight says...

Thanks! c:

Points: 90
Reviews: 44

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Sun Jan 03, 2021 4:52 pm

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mordax wrote a review...

Hello! To kick off this review, I want you to know that I love this poem!! It's beautifully lyrical and full of imagery. Now, let's get to it...

In the first stanza, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe this line:

with promises yet unspoken

should be "spoken" not "unspoken" because the preceding "yet" already asserts that it hasn't happened.

My only other critique is the flow in the second stanza. The first stanza reads beautifully, but in the second stanza, I find myself constantly tripping over this transition:

with sparks igniting the shadows.
sometimes the sun won't rise

The only change I can think of is inserting an "and" before the "sometimes" to create more repetition and flow, but that's obviously up to you.

Anyway, I hope this review is of help! I love this poem by the way!! Beautiful imagery, metaphors, and using color to convey emotion and passion.

Mordax <3

SilverNight says...

Thank you for the suggestions! <3

Points: 162
Reviews: 8

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Fri Jan 01, 2021 10:54 pm

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TheRealEuphoria wrote a review...

Hi SilverNight! I'm here to review this poem for you

One of the main things I love to read is poetry. I find is so lyrical. Anyways, let's get into it! The first stanza automatically catches my attention. You're explaining feelings and descriptions to the reader.

I've realized that this is one of those poems you really need to analyze, which is a good thing. People will interpret poetry differently than others, which in all is a good thing. My interpretation of this work is that sometimes things don't go your way and it's up to you to heal yourself/recover, no matter how depressing and dark things may get.

Not sure if that was you're message or not, but either way, it's a beautiful poem. Keep writing!

SilverNight says...

Thank you! <3

Points: 3645
Reviews: 84

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Fri Jan 01, 2021 10:05 pm

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Yoshikrab wrote a review...

Hey, SilverNight! I'm Yoshi, and I'll be reviewing your poem.

Grammatical

Even though you didn't put any commas here, I think it is still important to place commas in their correct places in a sentence. When I make poems, I usually put commas after every line, but everyone's choice of punctuation is different. There should be a comma after: "determined, unspoken, and night".

Also, it seems to be that you chose to neglect the capitalization. If this was a formatting issue, or if it was neglected on purpose, then it's fine.

Other than that, you have no grammatical issues as far as I can see.

Technical

and sometimes the dawn fails to come
until the darkness has burned away
with sparks igniting the shadows.
sometimes the sun won't rise
until it's ready to face the night
and let its healing rays cut through
the black ocean of the heavens—

This is a very good stanza, but if you want to keep the reader interested, you should create some type of repetition.

For example, the repetition I expected was variations of the first line in the first stanza. So instead, you could remove the "and" in the first line of the second stanza. Then, create a stanza break after "shadows" in the third line in the second stanza, creating the third stanza-- starting with "sometimes the sun won't rise".

and sometimes all the light needs
is you to lift a torch of hope.

Again, to keep the repetition, you should remove the "and". Nice line-- "a torch of hope" is a really good metaphor, but I think it would be better if you changed it to "the" torch of hope.

Finally, I have one last question: How did you make the em dash? I thought YWS didn't support em dashes?

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review!

-y0shi

SilverNight says...

Thanks for the feedback, I'll keep that in mind!

(I got the em dash when I copied it over by itself from Word, which does let you type it. It's a simple trick, but a useful one!)

Yoshikrab says...

(Ah! So that's how you do it! Thanks for the tip!)

Points: 196
Reviews: 261

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Fri Jan 01, 2021 6:31 pm

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TheScribe wrote a review...

Hey, Shadow! <3

So, first off, I really like the narration that you've provided in the poem. It's clear, easy to follow, interesting-- I want more because I haven't seen you do too much poetry that I can remember and you're an awesome poet!

Second off, I think your word choice really makes clear your thoughts and feelings regarding the coming of the new year-- especially change. With a new dawn comes a new year, a chance for a brilliant wave of light to overcome all that crap we've dealt with over the past 366 days.

Please, please, please write more poetry!!!!

Have a very happy New Year,
Vilnius <3

SilverNight says...

Thank you, Vil! <3

TheScribe says...

Young Writers Society

dawn breaks the darkness

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