z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

We Deserve Better

by Ciblio


You deserve better,

Though I decided not to write a letter.

Your fragile heart beats a mile a minute,

And I know I tried so hard to win it,

But I fear that I've made a mistake.

A mistake of making you ache;

For that is my worst nightmare,

That one awful dare.

I'm attempting to voice my betrayal,

Because I know that I've come to a fail.

A failure to love you,

The way you want me to.

I have become wane,

And this bitter goodbye will make me less sane,

But I'm trying to tell you in words,

That this love is blurred;

Blurred with distraction,

For I can no longer deny my attraction

To the mellow boy down the street.

In this undeniable heat,

I must tell you that it's fate,

And I'm sorry that this was late,

But now I must leave.

All these years it's been hard to grieve,

Because your constant affection

Took away my connection

With the Wilson boy.

You deserve to know that you were a toy

And that we must not be,

For I cannot offer what you offer me.

A home that you've fixed,

A life that's been mixed,

A silent whisper in the dark,

A red kiss that leaves a mark,

A heart that can no longer beat,

And the boy down the street

Thought I deserved better.

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56 Reviews

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Sun May 31, 2015 2:04 pm
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ILoveBooks123 wrote a review...



Hello!

Happy Review Day!

I'm ILoveBooks from Team SassyLadybugs!

This poem is just wow. Everything was so perfect. *Wipe an invisible tear.* so wonderful that I can't control my emotions.

Wow you describe Love so good. I like it. You express so much feelings here. Did you experience this at all? But if you didn't, some teens actually get inspire by this including me to be honest! Everything was clearly express here and I happy for that.

I wad happy with the rhyming too because I enjoy rhyming so much! And the rhymes connect to the poem and to the topic. When I read this I was just wow and jaw drop by the rhymes. That was just so perfect for us.

This was well written. Well organized and well inspiring. And relatable to other people. The length of the poem is also good. Just normal length.

Keep writing good!

-ILoveBooks123




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305 Reviews

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Sun May 31, 2015 3:50 am
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speakerskat wrote a review...



Kat here to Review for Team WHY? on the marvelous review day!

Wow this describes young love so well. And my past experiences...and present? Maybe. I hope not because that ending was really ironic . This was, for me, both a sad and funny poem just because of the lovely irony here . "And this bitter goodbye will make me less sane," couldn't you have just said insane ? I loved the repetition in the last few lines and how the last couplet just brought the while poem together so nicely. The length was perfect , not to long and not to short. It hurts when you win someones love and then don't want it, it really really does and I thank you for capturing that here so perfectly.

Much love to you
~Kat




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Thu May 21, 2015 5:47 pm
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Deleted4 wrote a review...



I liked this, especially the last 5 lines. I usually don't like rhyming in poems, I think most of the time it makes them seem more childish. Having said that, for this piece, the rhyming tied it all together in a nice motion while reading it. However, I would have liked to see it broken down into a few sections, like unfurling more of the story as you read? And possible break up the rhyming with a few more "Stand alone" lines, similar to your finishing line.

I really did enjoy this piece though, you've changed my entire opinion of rhyming!

Well done, and Keep Writing! I'd love to see more




Ciblio says...


Ah, I see what you mean! I'll try and figure something out. Thanks!



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Thu May 21, 2015 4:40 pm
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Divya wrote a review...



Well, I liked the way, the poem was. It was rhyming.
The emotions were quite clearly expressed.
But I didn't understand the last line' "I deserved better."
Did the boy you mentioned here, cheat?
I found it a little bit confusing to figure out who cheated on whom or played with other person's emotions.
Any way, it's a good poem.




Ciblio says...


It's more of a "who did what" situation, I guess. See, it's about a girl basically telling her boyfriend that she's not good enough for him, and how she's fallen for a boy down the street. I twisted it, though, in the end. Like, the boy down the street was seeing different that her; he thought that she was the one who deserved better. It's confusing, I know, but I like it. But thank you, D. :D




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