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E - Everyone

So, uh, space.

by Sheyren


First, there was nothing. So much nothing, in fact, that it stopped being nothing. It became something. A little speck of universe, which suddenly stopped being little, or a speck. In seconds, faster than physics say is possible, a whole… whole… a whole everything was made. Good Lord, this science field is vague. So anyway, this everything wasn't much of anything, since it was pretty empty. But then the everything that isn't much of anything started having something in it - elements. The elements made more somethings, and we suddenly had many somethings in our everything.

We had stars, big balls of stuff that look like fire, but totally aren't fire. Liar Fire, as the fake astronomers such as myself call it. Around those stars were balls of rock. Some balls of rock also had gas around them. Others became great friends and merged into one celestial body, which is how our planet was formed. A bit of sparkling friendship broke off from the newly bonded rock balls, and we suddenly had a moon. He spins around us and causes strange gravitational fields, which make oceans rise and fall… tides. He's also really nice and intercepts all those asteroids that can potentially wipe out life on Earth, except he missed one, and that's why giant lizards don't still exist. But we forgive him, because without him, we literally would all be dead.

There are also a lot of other things in space. Like nebulae, clouds of dust and sparkly stuff that sometimes make stars. Those nebulae float around in space, but they don't really do anything. Nothing cool or spacey or whatever. I mean, one looks like a horse, I guess. Another is already long gone, but the light is lagging behind, so we can't see that it's gone. And then one is visible with the naked eye, from Earth, if you really squint. Mostly, nebulae don't do much more than look neat.

We also have black holes, which are so dense, they absorb everything, including light. From a logical perspective, this makes no sense, because light is energy, and thus has no mass. Gravity should not affect it in any way, but hey, science. Black holes haven't actually been observed, for obvious reasons, but Google shows some cool clip art concepts of them. Black holes are the direct result of big stars exploding (because stars do that. Don't worry, it's a natural part of growing up), and then the leftovers collapsing in on themselves. People have speculated that a black hole formed on Earth a couple of years ago to explain an unexplainable natural disaster. Obviously that's as impossible as, like, I dunno, then making more Star Wars movies or someth… Nevermind.

Lastly, there are wormholes. They probably exist, but we don't actually have proof. Right now they're place holders for astronomers and sci-fi writers alike. Hypothetically, you should be able to bend space to travel through it faster, says the wormhole-believers. Because, obviously space is bendable. Duh. Come on, keep up. We'll probably never find a real wormhole, because we're trying to, and no discovery in this godforsaken field happens on purpose.

Aliens, too, are things. Maybe. Probably. Statistically speaking, they definitely exist. We just haven't found any yet. We likely never will, since nothing in this godforsaken field happens intentionally. Hmmm, this sounds familiar. Maybe when we find them they'll be nice. Maybe they won't be as nice. Perhaps they'll cause our extinction. There is actually a high chance they will cause our extinction. Very high. But we'll still scream into space our exact location and level of technology for anyone to hear, because science. Man, I love this godforsaken field of space-bending and light-eating holes.

Eventually, many millenia in the future, our sun will burn out. Or explode. Eventually every star in the Milky Way galaxy will do so. Spaces between galaxies will have grown so distant, light distortion will block all other stars from being seen. And then those stars will go out too, and the universe will be plunged into complete, total, absolute darkness. Perhaps then a new universe will form. Maybe one with new laws, new physics and mathematics, one which will tear apart what we think of as absolute. We have a lot stacked against, and the numbers suggest we'll go extinct by then. But we humans have a habit of overcoming the odds. We beat the Nazis, ended Polio, landed on the moon. Something tells me that if we work together, we'll do just fine.


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Sat Sep 29, 2018 11:27 pm
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, Sheyren!

I wrote a review for this, but it was crap and submitted prematurely. I refuse to live with that, so here's the second attempt! If you're wondering why I'm reviewing this at all, it's because I needed a review for my Team Tortoise daily goal and didn't know what to review.


Firstly, this is strikingly similar to "The History of the Earth/Universe" videos that I've seen on YouTube. I initially wondered if you hadn't simply copied one of them and published it here for the fun of it, but then I realised that, err, would be plagiarism, since there's no reference to that here. Having said that, this must be a damn good parody/mimicry of that, then! The style is the same, and even though I can tell it's not yours, you nailed it. Everything flows so naturally. It's amazing.

Because of my upbringing, I never put much stock in the Big Bang theory. Even now, I'd feel uncomfortable looking it up, so I can't accurately comment on your portrayal of it. However, you description is as ludicrous as I initially thought it was (I'm now impartial and don't have an emotional opinion on it, save that it challenges my normality and I'd prefer to ignore it for the time being), so that at least is fitting!

Hmm, I expected a bit more elaboration on how planets were formed than just rocks floating around stars. Of course, it's just a very quick description of Earth, so that wasn't really the point. The bit about two celestial bodies becoming such good friends, they chose to merge, was amusing, but the "Liar Fire" was by far the best. Regarding the moon, though, I'm not sure that's actually true. Most meteorites that would damage Earth are destroyed by its atmosphere and gravitational field when they enter these. I'd need to look into the matter to know for sure, since I'm no astrophysicist and could be mistaken.

Even though this whole topic has been simplified for the sake comedy, I disagree with the function of nebulae. They might only look pretty to us, sure, but that's because the span of activity in astral terms stretches across unfathomably long periods of time. Only "sometimes" making stars might be an extremely rapid rate when the functioning of the universe is analysed relatively.

Hmm, the more I read, the more I see your style in it. I guess I just freaked out a bit. Anyway, light can be sucked into black holes because they have a dual wave/particle nature. Light is weirdly awesome in many ways, and that's one of them. Also, exploding is as much "growing up" for a star as dying is for an organism. It can be considered inevitable, sure (unless you're a cancerous cell, although nobody will believe people who claim immortality is possible), but stars cease being stars after such an explosion.

Wormholes and aliens. I have nothing to say there, since you already said what at least a few of us are thinking. Oh, I have nothing to say, except maybe, "I agree."

If by millennia, you mean too many millions of years for me to remember accurately, then yes, our sun will go out in a blaze of glory and wipe out Earth, if it hadn't already swallowed it by expanding massively by then already. And yeah, we can't really say whether it's possible or impossible to do all of these things, since we have no frame of reference off of which to work. Besides, aiming to live long enough to see the end of our sun's existence is... well, ambitious, to phrase it in one, very euphemistic, way.

My only technical comment is how you said "We have a lot stacked against" in the last paragraph, which is missing a word like "us" near the end. For the rest, it seems okay to me!


I obviously enjoyed the humour in this, even if I feel like some points weren't entirely correct. This is where people would say I'm overthinking this, but if that was the case, there wouldn't be any point in reviewing works like these, would there? You did a good job, though, so I think as far as entertainment value goes, you can be satisfied.

~ Hunter




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Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:24 pm
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AlexOfLight says...



This is 100% hilarious.




Sheyren says...


Thanks. :)



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Thu Nov 23, 2017 2:52 am
Feltrix says...



In the unlikely event that humankind survives long enough to have to deal with the problem, I can (almost) guarantee that it will NOT survive the heat death of the universe.




Sheyren says...


NOT WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT MR. PESSIMIST



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Tue Nov 21, 2017 5:15 pm
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zaminami says...



this sounds an awful lot like "the history of the entire world, i guess"




Sheyren says...


I wonder why. :)



zaminami says...


Hi! You%u2019re on a rock floating in space. Some of its water. F*** it, most of its water.

i have literally memorized the entire thing



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Tue Nov 21, 2017 7:18 am
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Thundahguy wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and this is my first review of a Sheytato hot take. Here it is:

So, I don't really know how to review this. I mostly do paragraph by paragraph comments to show problems, but yours was pretty clean. So, how about instead I rate your paragraphs instead, from worst to best based on comedic enjoyment

Paragraph 1: Probably the worst one. It's a definite meh for me. You tend to reuse the science is wack (even though it is) joke a bunch through the entire writing. This paragraph has the worst varient on that joke, while also confusing the audience with the whole 'nothing that was so nothing that it became everything' thing.

Paragraph 6: It has the most apparent usage of the science is wack joke. Maybe around half of it. We're already done with it two paragraphs ago. But hey, the last line was pretty good.

Paragraph 5: It's a less apparent science is wack joke, and you did mention the sci-fi trope thing, so it's ranked higher than the aliens.

Paragraph 4: Nothing too bad or good about this. It strays from tongue in cheek, and the google joke seems especially forced. Otherwise it's the middle of the pack.

Paragraph 3: No bad jokes. Not many jokes at all, but it's still pretty good lol.

Paragraph 7: It's not a jokey paragraph by far, considering you talk about the eventual quiet death of our universe. But, you do end on a hopeful message that if we as humans can beat Polio, we'll be just fine.

Paragraph 2: Given top bunk because it's the only one that has made me audibly chuckle. I'm a sucker for trying to downsize cosmic events to happy little objects and actions. Plus the moon part was probably the best joke out of all of this.

So, there's my ratings, from worst to best. I'm not the best at this, I'll admit. Don't take my harsh words to offence, I just always tend to write like that. This is really good, is pretty factual, and does make a few jokes about common misconceptions. Earns an A- from me.




Sheyren says...


Thanks for the review! (I won't take offense to a review, since I'm just as harsh when I review ;)).



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Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:21 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this very enjoyable read. I like the tongue-in-cheek approach to serious issues. Especially the criticism of the Big Bang theory with is vague concepts such as it’s use of the concept of “nothingness” when it really means something else.. Sentence fragments were used but that is OK in this case.

The following sentence I believe you meant to use “than”“ instead of “then”. Spell-checker says that “nevermind” should be “never-mind”“.

“I dunno, then making more Star Wars movies or someth… Nevermind."




Sheyren says...


Thanks for the review!




Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)