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Frost Lark News 8/6/17

by Sheyren

Frost Lark News 8/6/17

By Skyla Holt

"Out of Town Visit"

Readers, this morning I was visited by my brother from out of town. Normally I refrain from sharing personal information such as this, however there is something odd and quite impossible about my brother visiting me. I don't have a brother. I have a twin sister, yes, but I don't and never have had a brother. I was having my morning coffee, sitting at my kitchen table, when he walked through my front door. I asked him how he had the key, and he just laughed it off. "You gave it to me, remember?" I definitely never gave it to him, but he insisted. Then he proceeded to tell me our cousin was sick, and that he had only a few weeks left, his last request to see each of his family members. However, I don't have a cousin either. Both my parents are only children.

"Good Fortune"

I would like to congratulate my very own editor for winning the town-wide car raffle, which is our biggest annual event, of course held every fifth of August. As always, winning not only gets you the new car offered, but you're also given stop sign, red light, and crosswalk immunity for a month. Uninterrupted driving for a month. A perfect gift when you have a new car. Now, our very own Terry Wilkerson won this year. If you don't know, Terry is the human sized turtle which also serves as editor for the Frost Lark papers. He doesn't speak any language, since he's a turtle, but he does say through Arabian symbols written on a sticky note that yes, he does drive a car, and is honored to accept the victory.

"An Editorial on the Annual Car Lottery" (written by Terry Wilkerson)

ويسرني أن أقول أن الفوز في اليانصيب السيارة هو أفضل شيء يمكن أن يحدث لي. أن تكون قادرة على قيادة سيارة جديدة رائعة، والآن أنا لا تحصل تبدو غريبة. بدلا من "هل هذا السلاحف القيادة؟" أسمع "مهلا، هذا هو السلاحف الذي فاز السيارة! أستطيع أن أضمن أن هذه اليانصيب كانت ذات فائدة كبيرة لمجتمعنا، وأشكر مجلس المدينة لإهدائي لي سيارة جديدة كجائزة انتصار.


Here's a question. x^3+y^3+z^3-3xyz-

(x+y+z)(x^2+y^2+z^2-yz-zx-xy)=? What does this equal?

Why are we asking such a question? You're thinking too hard. We have our reasons, now solve the problem. Or else.

NASA. "We make you do our math."


You're watching the Disney channel. Right? You better be watching the Disney channel, cause we have strict laws prohibiting any other channels from being watched. Don't forget those laws. We have your channel watch history.

Disney. "All our characters are white."

Survey Time

What do you like to do when you're home alone?

a) Eat all the cookies

b) Eat all the food.

c) Eat all the cat food.

d) Eat all the cats.

e) Genocidally wipe out all pets on your property.

Frost Lark Health Tips

Crying is actually healthy, and everyone should cry. Having trouble crying? Give yourself a reason to. Perhaps you could do it through eating your cats. That should make you sad.

"Out of Town Visit" (continued)

Apparently, my cousin who isn't real, my… Uncousin lives a few hours away. I contemplated saying no, but my curiosity got the better of me. When I told my unbrother yes, he got excited, thanking me. Then he said something about being excited to finally drive with me again, and that he'd stop by and pick me up tomorrow. I can't say I'm not a little nervous at what will happen, but I'm sure nothing can be weirder than travelling through time. I guess I'll find out tomorrow, when I drive with my unbrother to meet my uncousin in Illinois. My biggest fear is having to see someone I've never met on their death bed, and if he treats me like a long-time friend, I'm not sure how I'll respond. Again, I'll found out tomorrow.

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105 Reviews

Points: 4417
Reviews: 105

Tue Oct 17, 2017 10:09 am
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Danni88 wrote a review...

Hi Sheytato! It's been a while since I reviewed a Frost Lark News.

So, as usual this is 100% funny!
I'm actually not watching the Disney channel right now, so I guess I'm breaking the law! I did watch a Disney movie yesterday evening so I suppose I can reduce my sentence a bit. And hang on, what about Moana and Aladdin? Not all their characters are white.
I actually laughed out loud when I read the bit about the turtle who communicates through Arabic written on sticky notes. If I see a human-sized turtle driving along in a new car, I'll be sure to tell you. My mom says she wants to win that raffle and get a new car, as hers is rubbish. (It's actually alright.) I google translated the Arabic and I expected it to say "Wow, you actually bothered to translate this." or something.
The unbrother article is very well thought out! I wonder how he got her key? Mind you, there is no explanation in the world of comedy. I can't wait to find out what happens when Skyla meets her uncousin.
In the survey, I would say a). Especially if they were Mom's awesome lemon zest cookies.

So, overall, I was very impressed! I'll be back soon for another review.

Best wishes,

Danni xx

Sheyren says...

Thanks for the review!

Danni88 says...

You're welcome!

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57 Reviews

Points: 36
Reviews: 57

Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:20 pm
IvoryRose wrote a review...

Oh my god! I have a very large family,so new cousins are discovered everyday. Although my parents are only children, my grandparents had lots of siblings. (Grandma had about seven) We’re just too lazy to be proper, so we just say cousin Fulano. Anyways, review time! First of all, math in any form is a sin. Especially since school is starting soon and I don’t want to think about math class. (I’m in advanced so I’m going to do 9th grade math in 8th grade). Never eat cats, they are adorable. My answers are a) and b). (You never said pick one). I love my doggies (they aren’t mine,but I love them). I am very curious about this new arc. Also, I know of the Disney Channel laws. *has elementary flashbacks* The horror of DComs. (They called them that around 2010 to 2014). At least, they had good cartoons like Phineas and Ferb, Gravity Falls,and SVTFOE. (Yes I know they are now on Disney XD, but I remember the beginning). Terry was the best bit. Hope he returns! I didn’t see many mistakes. Overall, ten out of ten!

Sheyren says...

Thanks! Phineas and Ferb was honestly the best, definitely. I feel the pain, school is starting for me too... I did what you did last year. Anyways, glad you enjoyed!

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802 Reviews

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Reviews: 802

Mon Aug 07, 2017 3:53 am
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Dracula wrote a review...

The editorial, for those who can't be bothered translating:
I am pleased to say that winning a car lottery is the best thing that can happen to me. Be able to drive a wonderful new car, and now I do not get strange looks. Instead of "Does this turtle command?" "Hey, this is the turtle who won the car! I can guarantee that this lottery was of great benefit to our community, and I thank the city council for giving me a new car as a victory prize.
To be honest, I thought I would go to google translate and the text would say something like: I can't believe you bothered to actually figure this out. But you surprised me, Shey. :P

What do I do when I'm home alone? I'll pick A, eat all the cookies. Although in my case, it's more like eat all the icecream and peanut butter.

Perhaps you could do it through eating your cats. That should make you sad.
Will probably also kill you and corpses cannot cry, but hey, who's checking?

Apparently, my cousin which isn't real
My cousin who isn't real!

Well this was weird! Haha, I'm actually so confused. Are we incorporating different universes now? Guess I'll have to wait to find out.

Sheyren says...

Thanks for the review!
I am unpredictable :P

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel