Time for some numbers. These numbers have been provided to us by the University of Frost Lark. Just yesterday I was walking by the university and an arm of brick spouted out of a wall, handing me a note with these numbers. It also told me I must share these in the next print or it will destroy everything I hold dear. I remember when I attended the University of Frost Lark. Good times. Anyhow, numbers; 17% of frogs are in your living room. 77% of your body is water, and 77% of the world's surface is water. That means there is a 100% chance you're Earth.
The Royal Architect of Frost Lark unveiled his blueprints for the soon-to-be-constructed Frost Lark Prison. This came as a surprise to many, because no one knew we had a Royal Architect. It was also a shock that the government intends to revoke the current system of punishment, which includes unimaginable torture as a result of stealing. Murder can be punished by a scarring trip through time to view the end of our existence as we know it. Many don't survive, and so a need for a prison has never arisen. We shall see how this new system will fit in with our society, and if the current poverty will bring problems to this project.
This week, the Travellers returned. They brought with them a woman donning strange clothing, including pants. Many wonder if this is the woman prophecized to be brought on ship to save the town from poverty. Personally, I don't think the Travellers would have brought with them someone if they weren't mean to solve our problem. But you don't read the newspapers for personal thoughts, so I will say the facts show this woman will be our hero.
Strawberries are now illegal.
Buy from us?
-That Russian soldier on your doorstep
We see you. And you. And you. Oh, and you. Yep, you too. Yes, and you. Wouldn't forget you. No, we can't see you. Sorry, there's too many of you. Just, um, take this knife and get rid of the undesireables. There you go.
-The Seven Eyed Government
“We see all of you. When there's seven of you.”
No, sorry. Not in the budget. Tune in next week to learn what "tune in" means and why it's in a newspaper!
“Some (More) Numbers”
11% of Russian Soldiers are on your doorstep illegalizing strawberries and selling baby tortoises. 50% of halves are greater than a random number higher than seven but lower than the Mariana Trench. 39% of spaghetti exists. 94% of people will attempt to find a secret message in these numbers. 14% will realize there isn't one. The other 86% are still looking. 3.1415% of pies are sold to you. 100% of Frost Lark citizens shall go to the University of Frost Lark. This has been a non-sponsored message from the University of Frost Lark.