“Some Numbers”
Time for some numbers. These numbers have been provided to us by the University of Frost Lark. Just yesterday I was walking by the university and an arm of brick spouted out of a wall, handing me a note with these numbers. It also told me I must share these in the next print or it will destroy everything I hold dear. I remember when I attended the University of Frost Lark. Good times. Anyhow, numbers; 17% of frogs are in your living room. 77% of your body is water, and 77% of the world's surface is water. That means there is a 100% chance you're Earth.
“Construction”
The Royal Architect of Frost Lark unveiled his blueprints for the soon-to-be-constructed Frost Lark Prison. This came as a surprise to many, because no one knew we had a Royal Architect. It was also a shock that the government intends to revoke the current system of punishment, which includes unimaginable torture as a result of stealing. Murder can be punished by a scarring trip through time to view the end of our existence as we know it. Many don't survive, and so a need for a prison has never arisen. We shall see how this new system will fit in with our society, and if the current poverty will bring problems to this project.
“Travellers”
This week, the Travellers returned. They brought with them a woman donning strange clothing, including pants. Many wonder if this is the woman prophecized to be brought on ship to save the town from poverty. Personally, I don't think the Travellers would have brought with them someone if they weren't mean to solve our problem. But you don't read the newspapers for personal thoughts, so I will say the facts show this woman will be our hero.
ADVERTISEMENT SPACE
Strawberries are now illegal.
Buy from us?
-That Russian soldier on your doorstep
ADVERTISEMENT SPACE
We see you. And you. And you. Oh, and you. Yep, you too. Yes, and you. Wouldn't forget you. No, we can't see you. Sorry, there's too many of you. Just, um, take this knife and get rid of the undesireables. There you go.
-The Seven Eyed Government
“We see all of you. When there's seven of you.”
Survey Time
No, sorry. Not in the budget. Tune in next week to learn what "tune in" means and why it's in a newspaper!
“Some (More) Numbers”
11% of Russian Soldiers are on your doorstep illegalizing strawberries and selling baby tortoises. 50% of halves are greater than a random number higher than seven but lower than the Mariana Trench. 39% of spaghetti exists. 94% of people will attempt to find a secret message in these numbers. 14% will realize there isn't one. The other 86% are still looking. 3.1415% of pies are sold to you. 100% of Frost Lark citizens shall go to the University of Frost Lark. This has been a non-sponsored message from the University of Frost Lark.
Ha ha, love the pie joke XD! I - oh hang on, there's a Russian soldier on my doorstep. I'd better go and see what he wants. Baby tortoises? No, sorry. *bites into a strawberry* Um... no. What strawberries? *hides strawberry behind back and slams door*
It's so incredibly difficult not to hear this in The Lord's Silken Voice.
Each of these continue the same level of humor and oddity, and I'm glad you can pull that off well as a solo writer. It's very admirable, and it makes me wonder how you'd fare in the writing room for The Big Leagues in the Professional World. The idea seems promising looking at these works.
The opening was strong--with the hand jutting from the university. With the Twist On The Small Town deal you know there's going to be something, but this is well done and made me grin. "These numbers came from the University of Frost Lark." 
Clever!
And honestly I don't have much criticism for this, but I will drill into the random numbers not quite getting the humor level as the remainder of the piece--that is, in the second installment. The first time, it was wonderful. 100% chance you are the earth. Perfect. But the second go about it was just random and haphazard and just a rehash, like a budget reboot of a great film.
So just with the concepts in Frost Lark's spiritual predecessor, I'd likewise advise you to study how repeating segments are given time and attention so their content is always at least repeat-par and never a let-down. After the repeats, they can vary, but never go under where the bar is set the very first time.
I hope this helps,
Ty
Um, just to be clear, I no longer get a free trip to the end of the universe? Awww.
Also, you misspelled 'strawberries' the first time around, and "Many survive, and so a need for a prison has never arisen." doesn't make sense to me.
Will there be any explanation for why the news hasn't been published for the past two weeks, because my world has dissolved into chaos without knowing what's happening out in the real world. This paper is my only connection, you know.
Okay, so it /was/ a Frost Lark prison? And now I think that the end of the world the past criminals saw was actually a whole lot sooner than I was thinking...
Here are my rambling thoughts once more...
Just yesterday I was walking by the university and an arm of brick spouted out of a wall, handing me a note with these numbers. It also told me I must share these in the next print or it will destroy everything I hold dear.
I am wondering whether this actually happened (magic school? FrostLark's pesky version of Hogwarts?) or whether it's a metaphor for something else.
Death can be punished by a scarring trip through time to view the end of our existence as we know it.
Do the people who come back ever try to change anything? Or are they just sent insane? Also, if I remember correctly, prisoners have in the past been sent to Ice____ (I forget the name), that other town. That's right, yeah?
No, sorry. Not in the budget. Tune in next week to learn what "tune in" means and why it's in a newspaper!
Uh oh, it seems some government funding has been cut from the 'fake media'. 
So many questions from this edition of the paper! I would like the university to make later appearances though, since it was basically the prime focus of this edition.
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