Young Writers Society

Hey Shayna, this is Saad!

Now, may I say, I am a big fan of biryani as a dish. It is the rice delicacy you want but you don't deserve. So, if you spoil biryani for me, then its all on you. Just kidding, (but I will hunt you down). /s

So here's my perspective on this extremely funny piece on India's favorite meat-and-rice dish.

</quote> What you doin yo

Didn't like your dish no

Noggin with the momo

Your dish was really low low </quote>

Now, you should always be able to intimidate the chef who cooks subpar biryanis. This sets the tone well and you know from point 1 that this is a humorous poem that is just a family-friendly diss-track with the chef. Momo reference hehe

</quote> Why you doin this

You will be sorry miss

What did you even make

Biriyani or cake </quote>

I would say that you should put an inverted comma near doin, because how it is accented, mostly. "doin'" like this. Also, cake isn't really the best comparison to make when you're talking about bad taste. Maybe tinda would be more appropriate. Anyways, lets continue with this rollercoaster of laughter.

</quote> I can throw it in a lake

Or an enemy to take

It was just plain rice

Neither good nor nice </quote>

The first two verses aren't as coherent as the second two verses in this stanza. Something like, I'd throw it in a river, this dish makes me triggered, would have been better in my very humble opinion. Curse those who serve plain rice as biryani on that note!

</quote> It was a party for the flies

And a dance floor for the mice

I have the rage to kill you

Kick you smack you slap you </quote>

The first two lines sound incredibly funny in conjunction. This is really good use of gross-out humor, one of the better examples in literature. I think that I have the rage to kill you with emphasis should be the last stanza. Kicking, smacking and slapping aren't as extreme as killing. and it hurts your timing with that order. So, I'd swap out that with something along these lines:

I wanna kick you and peel you,
I have the rage to kill you (kill you, yeah).

</quote> I can drop it on the mat

And leave it for the rat

And will be tasty for the cat

And on it the baby sat </quote>

This seems like the weakest part of your aggression within this poem here. On it the baby sat means nothing, unless you censored it by removing the h between s and a. Tasty for the cat and leave it for the rat is fine, but this feels overly understated.

</quote> The mutton was undercooked

But it was overlooked

it was popularly booked

But everyone puked </quote>

Really funny, yet weaker than your funniest in my opinion. At this point, the piece seems stretched for the sake of it and is only pulled by the occasional good line. I liked the first half of this poem, but the second part seems forced and weak.

</quote>My expects have been crapped

And it can be so mapped

For a whole century

As the worst biriyani in history </quote>

Not a bad stanza! But, I do feel a bolder conclusion may have helped.

</b> IN CONCLUSION </b>

You did a pretty well job of creating a culturally Indian, highly funny poem that has all the right ingredients. If you could make this more snappy by cutting out the unnecessary bits, I think this would be even more funnier.

Take the useful bits, and discard the rest.

Stay safe and have a fun day,
saadamansayyed

haha <3 that was a fun read

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review.

Note: I personally am not a big fan of Biriyani, but I have friends who are.

I loved how you expressed your rage at the person who made the dish.

I liked the reference 'Biriyani or cake'. Maybe it's coincidental, but my father has this theory that if you drop some Biriyani from a few inches above the plate, it should fall as seperate grains. Or else, it's called Pulav. And cake, being pretty solid, fits perfectly there.

This poem really made me laugh. It was just so funny.

I found just one 'flaw' here:

My expects have been crapped

AAhh bad biriyani sounds bad. Especially because when you hear biriyani, you have like a certain level of expectation that you're gonna get a tasty lunch/dinner that day. And then when it flops, it kind of sucks.

The only error I found was this: I think you meant "For" in this line, not "Or".

Or an enemy to take