Young Writers Society


12+ Language

I Am Very Enthusiastic

by Shady


Poop. 


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Wed Dec 07, 2022 5:41 pm
angxlari wrote a review...



wow. this hit hard.
emotional pieces like this tend to pull on my heart strings. u really captured the essence of human nature and how the circle of life is SO SIMPLE. it starts and ends with one thing, and that my friend, is what u wrote. very well done. although it isn't very descriptive, u gave a broad description to where we're still able to know what u mean while leaving room for the over thinkers. maybe name this one potty.




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Sat Dec 03, 2022 12:01 am
ccarson wrote a review...



-Cleo Carson speaking

First of all, I'd like to lead off with the quote "Poop." It is excellently descriptive and a true masterpiece of a sentence. Frankly, I agree with this scientific article. This article accurately portrays the birth of the universe, history and pre-history, modern-day events, the future, and even the death of the universe! This is a true masterpiece in general. You really need to go for a Nobel Peace Prize this this work! I must thank you for also answering the question: "Why does the universe exist?" with the very exhilarating answer of "Poop." Thanks again for answering the questions of the universe!

-Corp. C. Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office




ccarson says...


Update: The reviews are still making me laugh!



Shady says...


Sigh.

lol



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Thu Feb 03, 2022 2:42 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Shady,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I am always a great friend of reading an article and I was very surprised at the way you took to create something here.

Let's start by saying that I am surprised that you are very expressive with your article. I especially like this part because you are effectively trying to point something out to the reader.

Poop.


Especially in connection with the title, I have the impression that this is an attempt to portray humanity in writing. That's why I was very motivated to read through this piece again and again and think about what motivated you to write this. Because I'm maybe missing some incentive, what made this article come out, like a newspaper article or something like that.

That's also a bit of the criticism of your piece. I think it lacks a beginning and the main part. It's almost as if your article is, in a way, just built up to present the conclusion. I think if you expand on that a little bit, the reader can also follow your thought processes, I think that's one of the most important things I'm missing here; the following of thoughts.

On the other hand, I think you also try to visually motivate the reader to think about your work and I am almost satisfied with that. Maybe you could highlight the text in brown colour. That would also come across very critically, convincing even deniers that you are serious and have done enough research to publish it.

In terms of writing style and grammar, I can say it's great. I would even say that you have used easy language and it is suitable for all ages, even for those who are not yet familiar with English.

In summary, it is a very interesting work to read, definitely one of the most controversial and exciting articles here on YWS.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




Shady says...


hahaha oh gosh



ccarson says...


I will never manage to achieve the level of review bulsh*ttery that @MailicedeNamedy has achieved.



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Sat Jan 29, 2022 3:56 pm
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Liminality says...



P***.




Shady says...


Image



ccarson says...


*Cracks Knuckles*
Ah S***, here we go again.



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Mon Jun 14, 2021 1:14 am
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Shady says...



P***.




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Mon Jun 07, 2021 6:57 pm
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Omni wrote a review...



Hello, ShadowVyper! Since this was posted in 2012, not long after you joined, I want to wish you a (very) belated welcome to YWS!

If you need any pointers for your way around the site, feel free to message me or any person in red, dark green, or light green. They can definitely show you around ^^

Anyways, onto the work!!

So, through my impeccable investigation skills, I have noticed that this work appears to be, well, edited. Which is totally fine! However, I do feel like I am missing some context as to what the original work contained. A part of me even feels like I am missing out on the potential masterpiece of the original work. But alas! I do think this alone is a masterpiece! I do have some pointers, though.

As @Carina mentioned in her review (it looks like she didn't actually make it a review. Huh, perhaps a moderator can look into that for her), she explained that a horrendously large amount of this piece is redundant (an alarming amount because this piece has already been edited and condensed).

Poop.


So, the quoted piece above ^ can be reduced to this:

Poo.


And retain the same meaning, feeling, and flow as the original piece.

I also would like to talk about the inflection of this piece. Your title (which, ironically, is longer than your actual piece) is titled "I Am Very Enthusiastic". However, your diction does not indicate that. Consider, instead of:

Poop.


You could try:

Poop!


Or even:

POOP!


To achieve that originally stated "Enthusiasm" of your title.

Overall, this piece does not have the structure of an article or an essay, and leaves me feeling lost or confused, so most definitely a poem.

I hope this helps! And I cannot wait to see you write more and leave your mark on the site! :D




Shady says...


Sighhhhhhh

And I cannot wait to see you write more and leave your mark on the site!


I think we both know that
Image



Omni says...


who r u?



Shady says...


no u



Omni says...


NO U



Omni says...


Did you see what I did there? This was a very enthusiastic version of your original message c:



Shady says...


Image



Seirre says...


omg i luv dis



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Sun Jun 06, 2021 3:38 am
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Phillauthet says...



I really want to leave a review but I dunno what to say...

1. I appreciate the simplicity
2. The simplicity is great
3. I love the simplicity

Just keep writing (very enthusiastically)




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Fri Jun 04, 2021 10:00 pm
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Omni says...



Am very tempted to leave this edited version a review: am very sad there are no reviews for this new piece




Seirre says...


omg if you don't I will



Shady says...


sigh.



Shady says...


omg lag SIGH AT YOU TOO





i need to do this



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Fri Jun 04, 2021 4:57 pm
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starchild314 says...



wot




Shady says...


wot



ccarson says...


wot



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Fri Jun 04, 2021 4:55 pm
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Seirre says...



poop.




Shady says...


no u



ccarson says...


Uno reverse card GO!



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Sat Dec 19, 2020 4:32 am
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NastyMajesty says...



*visible confusion*




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Fri Dec 18, 2020 9:27 pm
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Fri Dec 18, 2020 8:47 pm
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Lib says...



👀




Shady says...


i forfeit



ccarson says...


@Lib
The emoji and your profile pic's eyes line up perfectly so it looks like the're looking at eachother.



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Fri Dec 18, 2020 3:56 pm
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Messenger says...



Wait what




Shady says...


i cri



Shady says...


i edited one of my old, old works because I am training one of the new JMs in how to edit titles that have all caps (which aren't allowed) and also how to do rating bumps (i.e. if a work is unrated but has a bad word in it so it needs to be 18 or something) and so I did this and people put it into the spotlight, i--



Messenger says...


I think you should delete it %uD83D%uDE02



ccarson says...


@Messenger
I think NOT!



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Fri Dec 18, 2020 3:47 am
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Carina says...



I'm sorry Shady, but I think this can be more concise. 25% of this piece is redundant and can be deleted.

Consider the following:

Poo.




Shady says...


and i hate you the most



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Wed Dec 16, 2020 6:24 am
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Shady says...



P***.




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Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:12 am
AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Hey ShadVy! I'm sorry for the late review! I know this might be late for the porgram itself, so I'll just give a Point Out so that you will be guided on your next works!

SIMPLICITY?
On your second paragraph, the tense you used is present perfect tense. Well yes, it's grammatically correct, but simply using 'allowed' can make the sentence shorter and more to the point. And you've mentioned that she just graduated, so you can either use PresPerf tense or past tense itself. This also goes for the others, just for the sake of simplicity.

THE MORE ACTIVE...
...the better. Look at this sentence:

She believes that the next best thing to being on a horse is riding her four-wheeler…

I think this sentence needs to be more active. It's all about action and activity, so you might as well use words which can make the readers picture vivid films of horseback riding and mud racing. Use another word for 'thing', a word more related to hobbies. Or maybe hobby itself...And I think 'being on a horse' is to wordy. Try using figures of speech to make us readers feel what's actually happening!

ANOTHER...CONNECTION
I would like to point out the Bible verse you've inserted to your work. It would be nicer to make a greater coherence between it and the introductory line before it. A little more intro for the Lord is much appreciated! And also, I think it would be better to separate this sentence:
She wishes to thank her parents for their patience with teaching her over the years, and for teaching her to serve such a mighty King:

...because it's very emotional and exempting it can make the readers empathize it more.

So Shad, I think those are the only things I can Point Out for now. I wish to help (more quickly of course) the next time :)

Your pointer out-er,
Alf




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Wed Jul 25, 2012 3:02 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Hi Vyper!


My name lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm in the county I live in that has been in her family for eight generations.

The last bit sounds too tacked on. Is it really necessary?


She is the third child in her family to be graduated from homeschool.

This sounds weird. Maybe She is the third child in her family to graduate from homeschool or to graduate from home-education. Either way, “to be graduated” sounds very awkward.


Since she has been homeschooled her entire life, she’s had opportunities to experience a broad spectrum of activities.

I think this would sound better condensed and in a slighter more formal tone. Try Being homeschooled her entire life has allowed X to experience a broad spectrum of activities though even that sounds a bit off. :/


She has been in 4-H for many years, serving as everything from Game Leader to Vice President; over the years she has raised a total of 14 market animals for the 4-H Livestock Sale.

Try She has filled many 4-H roles over the years, ranging from Game Leader to Vice President, and has raised a total of fourteen market animal for the 4-H Livestock Sale.


She’s a member of 4-H Teen Leaders, which allowed her to earn her 4-H Charting Pin.

Try X is also a member of 4-H Teen Leaders...


My name has been a member of HSLDA’s Generation Joshua for three years. Since joining she has participated in several political campaigns and has attended their summer camp IGovern.

This is a little bit random. It’s such a tiny paragraph it stands out all by itself, but there’s not much to it, so I’m wondering if you could bulk it out or chop it completely.


My name enjoys horseback riding; both leisurely trail riding and barrel racing.

Try X enjoys horseback riding, particularly trail riding and barrel racing.


She believes that the next best thing to being mounted is riding her four-wheeler…especially when there’s mud involved! She’s an accomplished hunter and angler.

Try She believes that the next best thing to being on a horse is riding her four-wheeler...especially when mud is involved! She is also an accomplished hunter and angler [i](could you add in something more here, like how long you’ve been doing this or if you’ve got any achievements or awards from doing it? The sentence reads like a throwaway fragment; you should have something else here as well).


When the cold winter months drive her inside, she practices her hand with new recipes to prepare the game she’s collected.

Maybe you could combine this with the previous sentence and put it on the same paragraph. Try She is also an accomplished hunter and angler, and loves trying out new recipes with the game she collects.


In her free time she enjoys reading and writing, even having some of her work published.

Could you give any examples of how it’s been published? Like In her free time she enjoys reading and creative writing, and has had three of her short stories published in local magazines.

---
Hi!

I’ve never come across any program like this before, so I can’t tell how well you’re fulfilling the usual criteria, but it’s very readable and informative. Most of my suggestions are about condensing and clarifying. I hope I’ve not taken away any of the meaning through ignorance, as I don’t know what a lot of the things you mention here are, but you can always tweak to serve your purposes.

Other than that, it reads very well, and I hope you have fun at your graduation! It’s so cool you get a home-schooled graduation as well as regular school students. :)

PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit




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Wed Jul 25, 2012 4:07 am
ImHero wrote a review...



I think this sounds very awkward but its not your fault. I don't know much about these but writing it in the third person makes it confusing to read. Is it suppose to be in third person? I usually stick to creative writings and papers. This will be my first review of something like this so it may not be of much help. Sorry about my ignorance on the subject but lets move onto your review.

Paraphrase with changes:
Sam lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm in United States that has been in her family for eight generations.

I believe you are trying to say too much in one sentence, makes it awkward.

Improving:
Sam lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm that has been in her family for eight generations. (then add another sentence on where)

" She believes that the next best thing to being mounted is riding her four-wheeler"

mount is her four-wheeler*

Also just a note: if you are getting more people to review it will be easier if you fill out random information.

Thanks for choosing me as one of your critics:)




Shady says...


Thanks for the help! I'll definitely edit! :)



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Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:59 am
EmilyofREL says...



For the most part I like it...The only thing is the wording "Be graduated" (in the first paragraph) sounds a little awkward. I'd change it to "to graduate". Other than that, I can't see much wrong. I love the verse you chose! Have fun at the ceremony and good luck in the fall! (and don't forget to fill that info in before you put it in the program ;) )




Shady says...


Thank you! I will :)




We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway