Heyyyyy Shady! Since you’re rewriting this novel again— a beloved, all-time favorite YWS story of mine— I thought I’d get back to work on reviewing it! I moved ahead to this one since the past two parts have already got a bunch of reviews on them and I thought my feedback would be more helpful here, but I have made sure to read them, and I liked them a lot ^^ It’s so good to see Jerica again!
Without further ado, let’s get into this bar fight! I have to add that knowing Jerica, this is a great way to introduce her XD
Jerica managed to gain the upper hand and used it to her full advantage, beating the man again and again and again until he finally went limp. She kept pounding on him, not noticing he’d stopped fighting back in her adrenaline-fueled state.
This part is descriptive of the action, but not in the way that really allows me to get a super clear picture of it, if that makes sense? Gaining the upper hand can look like a lot of things, and although we know Jerica’s beating/pounding the guy, it’s unclear whether it’s supposed to be punching, kicking or something else, so I can’t quite picture what her body movement looks like. Vividity (is that a word? XD) in an action is good and I like how you use that here, though clarity is also good ^^
It is also a little contradictory for the narration to notice that the man isn’t fighting back when she doesn’t notice, because if she really wasn’t noticing we wouldn’t be “seeing” it. Some alternatives might be that she notices and doesn’t care, so she keeps going, or that she only notices later when she comes to her senses a bit? Just some thoughts, I think there’s a few ways to do it!
“Me: Rek. Don’t hit. Please. It’s me.”
ayyyyyy it’s Rek. Welcome to the story c:
“I will,” he said, loosening his grasp ever so slightly but not turning her loose entirely.
Part of this information could be a little redundant in my opinion? If he’s loosening his grip slightly, then he isn’t letting go entirely.
“Cockroach,” Jerica interrupted, turning to spit in his direction.
Deadly things cockroaches can survive: nuclear radiation, and Jerica when and only when Rek interferes

Her head was screaming and her eyes felt grainy and partially swollen-shut.
It could be better to say here that it was her vision that felt grainy instead ^^
Everyone respected Rek and Akeno as Generals, but feared Jerica as the impulsive, hotheaded King’s Assassin. Rek and Akeno ordered court martials and sought official avenues of discipline when necessary. Jerica jumped off tables to pound strangers into a bloody, half-dead heaps of worthlessness.
Love this character juxtaposition XD
I’m interested in how Jerica’s new role where she isn’t also the General of the Archers is going to influence the plot’s direction >.> It’s possible there’s a typo at “a bloody, half-dead heaps of worthlessness” where it could either be singular or plural, though I’m guessing you meant it to be plural ^^
~~~
Okay! This chapter part has made me very excited to get back into all things BtD ^^
I think what Icy said about the fight having gone on for a little longer than necessary is true and that it’s fulfilled its purpose, but you also kept things interesting throughout by using suspense and changes in the action so that it wasn’t all Jerica beating up a guy without even having to try. We do love a warrior

I probably won’t be able to review any more today because I got to this Review Day pretty late, but I will be following (and hopefully keeping up with) the rest of the story! Great work on this rewrite, I’m excited for more ^^
~ silv <3
Points: 9225
Reviews: 125
Donate