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E - Everyone


by ShadowVyper

Air was in my lungs,
Then suddenly there was none.
My dearest ocean.

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433 Reviews

Points: 13351
Reviews: 433

Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:44 pm
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TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...

O.k. this review will be largely analytical, but I really enjoy the challenge of writing a review for a haiku. I think Iit is fine as it is, and any recommendations or changes I suggest will merely be constructive, yo hopefully help the next haiku you write.
My first qualm is on word choice. In a haiku each line, each word, each syllable has to be exquisite, and "suddenly" is plain. It is the obvious choice. Instead try to capture some feeling in the word choice. Make the line itself abrupt and sudden in order to convey that feeling.
Also in the line, "Air was in my lungs," it practically tells the reader what will happen before it has, by using the past tense. This is not what you want. If you want to convey a feeling of shock, then telling the reader what will happen before hand will not help.
What I really liked though was "My dearest ocean." This part seemed so detracted from the rest, almost as if it was about to go into something more, rather like a letter would have that on the first line.
So without further ado, how personally I would re-write your poem.
I breathe pure, sharp, air,
But where air was, air is gone.
My dearest ocean.
You see now methinks why I think you shouldn't edit: it would be a different poem. I hope you find this review helpful,
Yours in writing,
The Fiend.

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193 Reviews

Points: 408
Reviews: 193

Sun May 25, 2014 9:01 pm
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Niraco wrote a review...

I actually have a fear of the ocean. It's so big that I fear if I even step in it I'll be taken away by the big blue. This poem actually made me want to go into the ocean.

Air was in my lungs,
Then suddenly there was none.
I love the ocean.

The only thing I would say is perhaps change the last line. For some reason it just doesn't flow as well as the first two lines. Something seems strange. It seems too bland and the word 'love' is a little over used in poems. Why not have something like 'My dearest ocean' or something. That was just off the top of my head.

Other than that the poem is very well done and is structured to a normal haiku. Well done and happy review day!

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18 Reviews

Points: 1173
Reviews: 18

Mon May 19, 2014 7:44 pm
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kymorhens wrote a review...

I know the feeling of being in the ocean and this would definitely describe my experience. While it is true that this is not a traditional haiku, it follows the pattern of a haiku well. I really enjoy how you don't say directly that you were in the ocean or that a wave hit. The image just surfaces as you finish reading it.

Definitely keep up the good work,

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157 Reviews

Points: 22293
Reviews: 157

Mon May 19, 2014 4:50 pm
ERZA wrote a review...

Hmm nice haiku ^^
The structure is good too correct actually
But the thing is that wait...let me quote from Wikipedia XD

Haiku (俳句) is a very short form of Japanese poetry typically characterised by three qualities:

The essence of haiku is "cutting" (kiru). This is often represented by the juxtaposition of two images or ideas and a kireji ("cutting word") between them, a kind of verbal punctuation mark which signals the moment of separation and colors the manner in which the juxtaposed elements are related.
Traditional haiku consist of 17 on (also known as morae), in three phrases of 5, 7 and 5 on respectively.
A kigo (seasonal reference), usually drawn from a saijiki, an extensive but defined list of such words.

so based on this your Haiku is a Haiku...

Today, haiku are written in many languages, but most poets outside of Japan are concentrated in the English-speaking countries and in the Balkans.

It is impossible to single out any current style or format or subject matter as definitive. Some of the more common practices in English are:

Use of three (or fewer) lines of 17 or fewer syllables;
Use of a season word (kigo);
Use of a cut (sometimes indicated by a punctuation mark) paralleling the Japanese use of kireji, to implicitly contrast and compare two events, images, or situations.

So according to this, your Haiku does not have a cutting word...nor the season word which should be in the middle line. That means that your haiku is a haiku but it is not good enough...

Its more kinda needs to flow and express in a kinda abstract manner.
I have also written a few Haiku myself but the thing is one needs to do much thinking before writing one and also...practice is required too. ^^
Thats all~

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn