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Young Writers Society



The Charm of Deception - Chapter 21

by Shady


Rana was too surprised to know how to feel. Her gut reaction was excitement. It’d been a long time since she’d seen Aldik, and she missed him. But there was still a small voice in the back of her mind nagging that he was probably here to take her home, and she didn’t want that.

“I’m coming to get you.” Aldik turned his attention on Jayk, glowering. “What is she doing here?”

“I didn’t know who she was, at first,” Jayk defended with a shrug. “All I knew was there was a little girl waving a big sword at me when I threatened her pap.”

Aldik rubbed his face, casting an annoyed glance at Rana. “You did what?”

“I thought he was going to hurt Father,” she defended. “I had to do something.”

“No, you didn’t,” Aldik said sternly. “That’s what your guard is for.”

“They got captured.”

“And you thought you’d be able to do better?” Aldik raised an eyebrow. “How’d that work out for you?”

Rana hesitated, then looked down, abashed. “Not well.”

“You need to learn to be more discerning.”

“Really?” Jayk cut in. “I was more thinking she needs to learn how to do that fancy over-the-back move that you do. She’s almost got it, but it’s not too hard to pin her when she tries it.”

“You…” Aldik sighed. He gestured at Rana, silently commanding her to come to him. He looked her over for a moment, then looked back at Jayk. “I’m just glad she’s okay.”

“You doubted I’d take care of her?” Jayk scoffed, feinting offense.

“No, I doubted she was with you,” Aldik said. “All Lord Elstan could tell me was that it was a pompous outlaw with a cocky swagger, who thought it’d be funny to make him fight his daughter. I took a guess it was you, but I couldn’t be sure.”

“Pompous?” Jayk scoffed again. “He’s one to talk.”

“Oh yes, he does a lot of talking,” Aldik said, looking down at Rana. “Speaking of which, we need to get you home. You’ve got a lot of talking to do, too.”

“What?” Rana said, stepping away from him. “No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’?” Aldik asked.

“I’m not going back,” Rana said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Aldik said. “Of course you’re going back.”

“No, I’m not,” Rana insisted. She walked closer to Jayk, glaring at Aldik. She was happy to see him, but not happy enough to want to go back with him. “Jayk? Tell him I’m not going back.”

“I don’t know that I got anything in this,” Jayk said. He lifted his hands in front of his chest defensively, not wanting to get into the middle of this argument between Aldik and Rana.

“You can’t take me back,” Rana whined, turning back to Aldik. “I don’t want to go.”

“Why not? Your family misses you.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Father is just dying for me to come back,” Rana scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Why should I want to go back to having every detail of my life micromanaged? I can breathe here. I’m learning things. Look at this!”

Rana tossed the rope in the air, holding it half-way between her and Aldik using the Vim. She worked the last knot out of rope, then pulled it back to herself and let it drop into her hands. She grinned victoriously. “See? I never would’ve learned that at the manor.”

“I understand that,” Aldik said gently. “But I don’t have a choice. Your father sent me here. I can’t just go back without you.”

“Oh, couldn’t be bothered to come himself?” Rana asked venomously. “Probably too busy.”

“Actually, that one’s on me,” Jayk admitted. “I said I wouldn’t deal with him. Told him to send Aldik instead.”

“You never did say how you two know each other,” Rana said.

“Long story,” Jayk said, shrugging. “For now, you’d best be getting back.”

“You want me to leave,” she said accusingly.

“Of course he don’t,” Glynn cut in, speaking for the first time. He strode forward and wrapped his arm around Rana’s shoulder, trying to comfort her. “But yer place is in castles, rubbing shoulders with princes and kings. Not in the forest with a bunch o’ strange men.”

Rana frowned. It was obvious that she was outvoted. Even if it would’ve just been Aldik who wanted her to go back, she didn’t stand a chance against him if he decided to force her. She let her shoulders slump as she crossed her arms. “Fine.”

“It’ll be okay,” Glynn said. “I reckon our paths will cross again someday.”

“Well, it best not be like this if they do,” Aldik said. He turned a glare back on Jayk. “Zandyr has words for you.”

“Uncle Zandyr is here?” Rana asked, eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Yeah,” Aldik said. “He got in last night. He heard what happened and isn’t too happy. Was planning on coming looking for you himself.”

“Oh.” Jayk rubbed the back of his neck, eyes flitting around the clearing nervously. He wet his lips. “Well now that she’s back, there’s no need for that, right?”

“What’s wrong?” Rana asked, cocking her head to the side curiously.

“Nothing.”

“Oh.” She shrugged it off, too pleased about the news her uncle was in town to be bothered by Jayk’s odd behavior. “Have you met my uncle Zandyr? He’s the greatest.”

“Yeah, he’s great,” Jayk agreed flatly.

“So, you do know him?” she asked eagerly.

“Yeah,” Jayk said. “I’ve had a talk or two with him in the past… well, you’d best get on back. So long, Rana.”

“So long, Jayk,” she said. She walked over to him and gave him a hug, then hugged Glynn and Drayan.

Aldik waited for her to finish, then nodded his head to the outlaws and led Rana back towards the palace. He waited until he was sure they were out of hearing range before he spoke. “So… I take it your time wasn’t entirely painful, considering your protests to coming back with me?”

“It was great!” Rana said eagerly. “I gotta show you all the stuff they taught me. They know a bunch of things and explained anything I asked them to.”

“And your time at Gnamrey?”

Rana instantly sobered. The smile melted from her face and she frowned at her feet as they walked, contemplating her response. She’d been actively forgetting her time with the monster; she didn’t like the reminder. “It was… not great.”

“Not great,” Aldik said, nodding. “Which means?”

“He tortured a peasant that stole from him,” Rana said.

“Some kings are like that.”

“He made me watch.” Rana folded her arms across her chest, hugging herself protectively. Even thinking about her time in the dungeons made her want to crawl in a hole and hide. “And then he wanted me to help him.”

Aldik cringed. “That sounds horrifying.”

“It wasn’t even the worst part.”

“What was?”

“It’s a toss-up.” Rana swallowed hard, trying to still the trembling that’d returned to her arms. “Between him throwing me in the dungeon for refusing to help with his brutality… and watching him cannibalize the man after he cut his hand off.”

They walked in silence for a few moments. Aldik didn’t know how to respond. He looked at Rana. She looked small and afraid, and refused to meet his gaze. He wrapped his arm around her protectively, hoping to comfort her. “It’s okay… you’re here now. You never have to go back.”

Rana nodded, swallowing hard.

“Come on, now,” Aldik said, giving her shoulders a squeeze. “Let’s talk about your time with Jayk. You seemed a fair bit more excited about that. He taught you how to use the Vim, I take it?”

They talked the rest of the way back to the manor. By the time they returned, the excitement of getting to see Uncle Zandyr was enough to overpower the dread of having to go back to polite society.

Rana really couldn’t understand why noblemen insisted on making life so much more complicated than it needed to be. The past few weeks had been so much less stressful than any she could remember in her life.

The anxiety began to return as they neared the door of her home. She didn’t want to speak to Father. She didn’t know what he might say, but she figured anything he did would anger her. He would either pretend like it was her fault somehow or pretend to be concerned — they were equally terrible options, since neither were true.

Aldik accompanied her to the parlor but waited out in the hallway when she pushed the door open and walked inside. Her entire family was waiting for her. She stepped inside hesitantly, but didn’t speak, face solemn as she waited to see her welcome.

Mama leapt to her feet the instant she laid eyes on Rana. She rushed to Rana and threw her arms around her in a tight hug as she kissed her face and neck, tears streaming down her own cheeks. “Oh, baby girl, I was so worried about you.”

“I’m okay.” Rana offered a half-hearted smile as she returned her mother’s embrace.

“Thank heavens for that,” Father said. He was sitting in his easy chair with one ankle crossed over the other knee, book in his hand, glasses pushed far down on his nose. He didn’t bother to stand as he watched the exchange between mama and Rana. “I was so worried.”

Rana’s smile faded as she stared at him, jaw hard. It was his fault entirely that she’d been taken in the first place, and now nothing about his reception made her believe that he’d even thought of her while she was gone. And yet he insisted in feinting concern.

“Goodness, you’re dirty,” Mama cut in, stopping the fight before it could start. “And look at those clothes. And your poor hair is so knotted.”

Rana turned her attention back towards Mama, glancing down at herself. Mama was right. It wasn’t something the men took much notice of, and she’d grown to ignore it as well. But her clothes were covered in dirt from the many times she’d gotten thrown to the ground in their practice sessions, and she’d long since given up trying to keep her hair tamed. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Go get that taken care of, honey,” Mama said, wiping her face. “We’ll get all caught up once you’re washed up and feel better.”

“Yes, Mama,” Rana answered respectfully. Her eyes drifted past Mama, towards the rest of the room. Father returned to his book, not able to maintain his act of caring about Rana for even a full minute. Fae was silently staring at her with wide eyes. “Hey.”

“I’m really glad you’re back, Rana. I was scared you were going to get hurt and not come back and I’m really happy that you are back instead of being hurt,” Fae said in a single breath, rushing through her words.

Rana smiled. “Thanks. I’m glad I’m back too.”

“Go on,” Mama said. “I’ll send for the servants to bring water to your room.”

“Yes, Mama,” Rana answered. She turned and walked back into the hallway, shutting the door behind her. She turned towards the stairs but stopped short when she saw Uncle Zandyr and Jaerek standing in the hallway next to Aldik.

“Uncle Zandyr!” She quickly closed the few steps that separated them and threw her arms around her uncle.


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Fri Aug 03, 2018 2:31 pm
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elysian wrote a review...



okay, finally getting around to being caught up, yay! After this, I have like 20 other chapters to review for other people though xD enough about that, let's get into it <3

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

in the beginning section, I feel like there's a lot of dialogue and not much description of body language and how they are arranged.

“I don’t know that I got anything in this,” Jayk said.


I don't know if the wording of this flows particularly well. Maybe add "anything to do with this"

He lifted his hands in front of his chest defensively, not wanting to get into the middle of this argument between Aldik and Rana.


How would Rana know that's what he was thinking unless this is her assuming? Please tell me if i'm wrong in thinking this is third person limited.

I still feel vague about the vim. I wish you would include more about how it makes her feel to use the power. There's a lot of just telling me what's happening but I want to know more about what she has to concentrate on, does it make her warm? does she feel the power vibrating through her?

I can't say I particularly like that Jayk just brushes off how they know each other by saying "long story" like if I was rana that would make me more instant than if he gave some kind of answer, cause it makes it sound like he's hiding something.

“Oh.” She shrugged it off, too pleased about the news her uncle was in town to be bothered by Jayk’s odd behavior


hmm. I feel like Rana is usually more persistent about information so this whole "shrugging it off" thing is weird to me.

Rana instantly sobered. The smile melted from her face and she frowned at her feet as they walked, contemplating her response.


I really like this line. It shifts the mood suddenly but seamlessly.

okay, I feel like I've lost a sense of time at this point. has it been days, weeks, months? Maybe have someone mention exactly how long it's been so the reader has a definite sense of timing and we can understand the emotions more.

can you explain to me who aldik, fae, and zandyr is cause i'm lost (since I didn't start from the beginning.)

other than that, I'm happy there was a change of setting and characters, which is perfect timing in my opinion <3

another great chapter!

- del




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Tue Jul 03, 2018 6:38 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Heya Shady!! It's me again, I'm back! :D

Okay this is a bit rambly. A lot rambly. I'm sorry.


Rana was too surprised to know how to feel.


I mean, you're already surprised. that's a feeling...
OKAY but uhh, I'm probably really contradicting myself here, but I don't really like Rana trying to 'know how she feels' if that makes sense? It's like she's deciding her emotions and in a situation like this (from my perspective anyway), that's not...quite right I guess? I don't know WHY this bothers me specifically but maybe instead of surprise it's shock? That's less of a feeling then and more of a state of mind, I guess? If that makes any sense but, this line just feels weird to me and I'm trying to figure out why.


-Has she told any of the bandits she wants to stay? Or asked about staying? Or does she just assume they'll let her? I mean, I'm just curious, that's not really a nitpick.


Jayk defended with a shrug.


I think I'd like this sentence better if it was saying he was defending himself, because even though it's implied, it's not something that really needs to be vague?


-AH the banter between Aldik and Jayk I love it


Jawk scoffed, feinting offense.


Feigning*


-So I haven't read on (I review as I read for the most part) but I'm noticing another imbalance between dialogue and description? Your description was pretty good in earlier chapters, but I think it was the last one and this one that are a little more dialogue heavy and it's...not great? I think I already said this but I don't have a clear read on what's going on. It's very fuzzy, with just voices sorta popping in, and while the banter is good, it just needs a little sprucing up with more balance between everything.

She was happy to see him, but not happy enough to want to go back with him.


What situation would warrant her to be happy enough to go back with him? I think I know what you mean and this isn't really the correct way of stating it? I like the 'she was happy to see him', but it's more of 'happy to see him, don't want to go back there' or 'happy to see him, wouldn't be happy if I went back' if that makes any sense?


-I've noticed alternatives of 'defend' used at least three times (twice as a dialogue tag and once when Jayk lifts his hand in front of his chest 'defensively'). It's not inherently bad, but it's enough to notice, so I might try to find some synonyms for a few of those to avoid repetition.


not wanting to get into the middle of this argument between Aldik and Rana.


I'm going to make another repetitive point (also you switch tenses), but this is still from Rana's pov, and this feels like it's switched gears to Jayk's, which is a weird contrast. Try to keep a consistent perspective, so you're not confusing readers.


-Okay so you know your characters best and all. To me, it feels like Rana gives up way to easily? We got to see her rebelling so much against Synakrein before and now she just kinda...caves after a short exchange. I understand if she's mellowed out during her time with the bandits (ANOTHER thing I want to mention in a moment here), but since you did a timeskip, us readers never got to experience it? So it's just jarring for her to go from Tough Rebellious Girl to Okay Fine Whatever without really putting up a fight.

-One of the things that bothers me about the timeskip now that I think about it, is that Rana now seems close with the bandits and such, but...I'm not. You left me off at the timeskip and then didn't give much development (besides the pre-timeskip stuff with Jayk and Glynn, which was great and I'm not bothered by that development because it showed the developing of their relationships).


"Have you met my uncle Zandyr? He's the greatest."


I mean...he kinda already implied he did. This feels very un-Rana-ish? It almost feels like she's getting dumbed down and I don't really like how that comes across.
(Uncle*)


-The farewell scene is very abrupt. Actually, from when Rana gave in to coming back with Aldik, it's just very rushed through and doesn't explain much. I was a bit lost for this whole section and it's emotionally disconnected. I don't feel particularly one way or another about Rana leaving the bandits, which I don't think it a great thing. We don't know anything about Uncle Zandyr, Jayk seems to just not care at all about Rana leaving, Rana doesn't seem to care one way after she gives in. She's kinda mad about coming back but then she just drops it and is happy again? The emotions were pretty bouncy in this section.


"And your time in Gnamrey?"

Rana instantly sobered.


Despite my other complaints, I do like this transition. She went through some pretty heavy stuff back there. Maybe include things like feeling a bit sick at the thought of it? Feeling scared? Uncomfortable? To emphasise the emotional trauma...I guess? Uhh, that doesn't sound quite right. I mean, she could also just sorta disconnect herself from it which is another reaction, but you seem to have taken the emotional route so that's my advice, but you might want to look into that a little more? But the 'actively forgetting her time' in Gnamrey is great, I like that line. Although, I might ask that you include that? Now that I think about it, I'd actually like to have seen her suppressing those memories during her time with the bandits.

Aldik cringed. "That sounds horrifying."


This could do with some more emotional description? Like, how does he react beyond just cringing? I read it kinda dull through my mind, like he was just kinda tossing it out there rather then really reacting to what she's saying.

Aldik didn't know how to respond. He looked at Rana. She looked small and afraid, and refused to meet his gaze.


I think you know what I'm going to say here ;)

the excitement of getting to see Uncle Zandyr was enough to overpower the dread of having to go back to polite society.


okay, that's great, Rana. But uhh, I don't have a clue who Zandyr is so, this part has pretty much no value yet. (unless I'm WILDLY forgetting something in which case I am so sorry please ignore what I've said D: )

The anxiety began to return


How though? Do her hands start shaking? Does she feel nauseous? Does she become hyper aware of everything around her? I would prefer this to be described rather than just stated, I guess. (you know the whole telling vs. showing jingle I'm pretty sure so I'll let you digest that how you will lol)

tears streaming down her own cheeks.


while it would be mighty concerning if Mama's tears were streaming down someone else's cheeks.

“Thank heavens for that,” Father said. He was sitting in his easy chair with one ankle crossed over the other knee, book in his hand, glasses pushed far down on his nose. He didn’t bother to stand as he watched the exchange between mama and Rana. “I was so worried.”


HA you're such a liar. fight him Rana.

I mean, you forgot to capitalise Mama. Also, I might be just clueless, what's an
easy chair'??

And yet he insisted in feinting concern.


cough*feigning*cough


-Okay so I really liked the ending with Rana coming back to her family (we get to see Wyl and Jae and Itani again!! yay :D), so I don't have many complaints about that section. I think the balance between dialogue and description became better as you went along, but my earlier comment still stands at the beginning part. The ending had the right emotions, the beginning...didn't have many.

wowow I was just really digging into the emotions today wasn't I

That's all I have for you today! I didn't love this chapter as much as your others to be perfectly honest, and I'm sorry about that. I think you redeemed yourself with the ending, but the beginning did have a disconnection that was odd to read. Which is fine! It can always be fixed later! I just think, overall, this chapter has potential to be a really great one, but without the descriptions, emotions, or balance, it falls a bit flat for me. But maybe it doesn't for other people!

Keep up the good work! I'll be waiting around for your next chapter <3 I hope you have a good one, Shady!




Shady says...


Thanks so much for the review! Definitely helpful things to think about as I go about editing. I agree with everything you say... as you probably noticed, the beginning bit was a bit hard to write but your feedback will hopefully make it easier to revise :D

But an easy chair is like... a recliner? Or one of those great-big over-cushioned chairs? A place where you get all comfy. Maybe that's just a colloquialism from where I live, dunno lol.



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Sun Jul 01, 2018 10:21 pm
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RacheDrache wrote a review...



Hey there, Vyper! Rache, here to review.

So, I'm dropping into this chapter without reading all the others. That said, I didn't have too hard a time figuring out what was going on, which is actually a good thing! It means you're not relying on exposition to carry your story; your dialogue and characters are doing the heavy lifting like they're supposed to!

I have two thoughts that I think could really take your writing to the next level. The first is that, at this point in the novel (I'm assuming Ch. 21 is toward the end?), I'd expect a heightened level of emotion from all involved. More resistance from Rana about going back, rather than resignation to being dragged back. More outrage from Glynn and Jayk. More insistence from Aldik. If you're ramping up to the climax of the story, then heightened emotional drama is important!

If this is far from the climax, then heightened emotionality is still a good call.

My other note is that your dialogue could use a little attention. It's not bad, but it could be serving you a lot better. For instance, you can lose a lot of your direct dialogue tags. This'll increase the flow and the pace, making everything snappier! Take a look at this resource: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blo ... ue-part-ii

Second, your dialogue can do more... double-duty. It can build character, reveal information, amp up the tension, all at once! In a shameless self-plug, I suggest looking at this: Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro

And on a final note, and this is entirely a suggestion, you might consider cutting down on the "K" and "J" factor in your names. By which I mean, you have a lot of eccentric spellings of names, when there's nothing wrong with Aldric or Jake. There's nothing really wrong with Aldrik or Jayk either, other than that they are a bit distracting. But this could just me be--I'm a teacher, so I see swathes of "inventive" spellings all day long, and they really just lead to confusion at Starbucks.

Anyway, let me know if you have any questions. I think focusing in on dialogue and maybe doing some research--I recommend Shakespeare, but you can also just YouTube "great dialogue" to get some ideas of the possibilities that await you!

Rache




Shady says...


Hey Rache, thanks so much for the review! I appreciate it!

This chapter isn't quite the climax -- she's only been with Jayk and Glynn for a few weeks (which translates to a few chapters lol) -- but I do agree it could use a bit more oomph with the emotional side of things.

Also, thanks so much for the links! Dialogue is hard for me, and I really appreciate the resources for the help. You're the best!




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