Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


The Wanderings Part 1 (so far)

by Shadow Knight


Moop. What happened to my other story thread? O.o


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Mon Apr 02, 2007 6:53 am
Shadow Knight says...



Just for all you folks that've been posting here... This is my old, OLD story. I wrote this when I was 13... I'm now 15, The Wanderings (v2) is my current project. :P




User avatar
566 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 566

Donate
Sun Apr 01, 2007 9:44 am
miyaviloves wrote a review...



Well, you seem to have loads of reviews on this already, but since i read it i will say my peice :D

Ok, i wont point out mistakes now as that has already been done, but i really loved this. I agree with Fool on the dream bit but other than that well done this is really good stuff!

Miyaviloves




User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 40

Donate
Thu Jun 16, 2005 9:33 pm
View Likes
Fool wrote a review...



Well this story is certainly going somewhere, and its going a break-neck speed. I liked it, the story was interesting, i could get to like Wyes the more i get to know of him. I also like the idea, i can't tell where its going but i like where it's been if you see what i mean.

Right, now to the serious stuff. GRAMMER. Please use some full stops, i could point out all the occasions when i had to read back to see if i could keep up with the story, you've got the comma sorted but break up some of the longer sentances.

I know it does not often take much, but the start confused me and its the only thing that really bugged me throughout the whole story. This is the bit i mean

[quote]Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself. He reached out to touch his mother, she just smiled and faded into nothingness .He turned to his father, he also faded, and everything went black. He saw a house, his house, the door was left open which was unusual for his family to leave the door open like that. Everything became hazy then came into focus, he was inside he heard screaming his mother came into view, a man was chasing after her. He ran to help her but he couldn’t move there seemed to be an invisible barrier that had formed between him and his mother. The man stabbed her in the back Wyes screamed out in protest but nothing came out. His father ran in with an axe in his hand and tried to cut the man with it. However, the man was to fast for his father. The man came up from under him and shoved his dagger up into his father’s lung, his father staggered and managed to slice the man down one side of his face. Then his father collapsed next to his wife. The image changed. Wyes saw himself holding a dagger walking along a long winding road that led to rugged snow capped mountains. Wyes knew what he was looking at, he was seeing himself a week after his parents murder. He became a social outcast no one even knew he existed. He trekked up to the mountains were he disappeared of the face of the planet for five years. Then he reappeared when he was sixteen skilled in Archery and Swordsmanship, this was a year ago.
Wyes woke from the dream but kept his eyes shut, he heard the wind howling[/quote]

I thougt this was a dream, it starts as a dream and you say it finishes as a dream when Wyes wakes up from the dream. But in the middle you say about him being a social outcast and wandering of to the mountains coming back when he's 16. That does not fitt in with a dream, the rest of the story says this actually happened, that after his parents were murdered he went of to the mountains, but its written in a dream, which made me confussed. If its going to work, you need to explain that he's 16, been to the mountains first, then explain the reason, ie, his parents murder. That would honestly make it easier to follow.

The rest is pretty good, the story's going somewhere, sort out the grammer and its going to be a really good read.

Looking forward to the next part. Keep writing




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 40

Donate
Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:16 pm
Ceylon says...



I think you are over uh... fancing your thoughts into words. The rest of the story was good. :wink:




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Wed Jun 08, 2005 10:07 am
View Likes
Shadow Knight says...



Just so you know, the whole hurricane/cyclone/typhoon thing, when I wrote that part, I didn't know about that (seeming that part was written almost a year or 2 ago)
Now, as for the ingot. This particular ingot, is my own ingot, my own currency, but I suppose I should have somehow gotten that across to the reader.
'This whole troll fight reminds me of Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer. Have you read it? '
Happens to be one of my favourite books. And yes I was thinking the same thing when I wrote that particular scene.
and I've just gotten really lazy and not gotten around to it, i'll have to make myself get around to it this weekend.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Wed Jun 08, 2005 9:15 am
Elelel says...



I didn't do any of those examples or find any of those mistakes for her. *is proud*

(Sorrowind was named because of the hurricanes that occur annually).

*says primly* We're Australian, they're cyclones. Americans call them hurricanes, the Japanese call them typhoons, and we call them cyclones. So, unless you're trying to set this in America, which judging from the time setting you aren't, I think "cyclone" is better. Also, that sentence sounds ... awkward. I'd go with something like "The town was named Sorrowind because it was frequently battered by cyclones".
PS, what sort of climate is this set in? You mention jungles, panthers and cyclones (tropical cyclones only occurr within a certain distance from the equator ... not sure about other types, haven't learnt them) so I guess tropical from that ... but the social structure seems European.


He was wondering why he hadn’t been crushed alive.
There should be at least half a ton of rock and wood on top of him, he was thinking then he realized when the house collapsed he must have slipped under the girls’ bed.


The apostrophe is wrong, is should be girl's because the bed belongs to only one girl.

Wyes tried to shift some of the ruble but all he managed to do was clear a small hole so that he could see outside, he was shifting so he could see out the hole when he felt something stabbing into his back. He grabbed the thing that was stabbing him in the back and pulled it in front of him.

*rubble

The hospital was full of people that had been hurt in the storm. The doctors were trying as hard as they could to get around to help but there was just to many people. Wyes volunteered to help but the doctors refused to let a ‘civilian’ help them so Wyes went to a private hospital to recuperate for a week or two then he went to his room at the Elvin hotel.

Hmmmm ... I don't know if there would have been hospitals in the time you set your story in. I'm not sure though ... but I'm pretty sure that in England doctors were called surgeons and they had some pretty barbaric medicine practices. Also, I don't a doctor would send away help in the middle of a medical crisis. If the doctors held some high status, it would have to be pretty high for their pride to be worth the deaths of innocent people in their care. They'd need people to carry things around for them, pass things, comfort patients etc. They'd need the help.

The judges acknowledged the move as a killing blow and declared Wyes the winner of the competition. Wyes collected the winner’s purse of 500 gold ingots. The other two tournaments were only 100 gold ingots for winning.


Do you know what an ingot is? It's a bar of some kind of metal. 500 gold (pure gold too, no carats back then) ingots is A LOT of money.

“Hi Norman” Wyes said. They started running. Norman pulled out a custom made high-powered crossbow with an auto-reloading five shot magazine “Impressive” exclaimed Wyes.

Whoa, yeah impressive. It was the Chinese who went in for reloading, rapid fire crossbows. Europeans only got the ones with all the extras as big weapons that needed stands and a few men working them as far as I know ... but since I don't know where you've set your story, this is just an interesting fact. But I would like to say that invincible weapons aren't good for a stories health, so it had better take a long time to leload with another clip ...
Also, you seem to be writing a lot more naturally when using the terms used for guns. Maybe you'd enjoy writing in other genres that you can use guns in too?

“Do you need assistance with your leg” the healer said

You had doctors before, but now they're called healers? might need to check back on that.

“Hello Kathleen” Wyes said
“Oh hi Wyes” Kathleen said,
“ Well did you have any troubles getting here?” Wyes said
“No not really, what about you” she said
“ A little bit, a troll” Wyes said casually
“Oh just a little bit” Kathleen said sarcastically “is that what did that to your leg” she said
“ Ah, no that was a midget from Cinter” he said awkwardly
“ Right, well I gotta go” said Kathleen
“Seeya later” Wyes shouted as she walked away just then he noticed she was wearing armor and had a long sword in its sheath that was strapped to her leg.


That's a pretty short conversation. I'd lengthen it, but not by adding information about the weather and things. Here, there is no new infor mation conveyed except for that she has a sword, and is in the same place as him. You don't need to tell us they're talking about stuff we already know happened, it's just repetitive. Also, he saved her life, but when they see each other they talk for about five seconds then just walk away. It's just not ... realistic.

It was not long before Wyes found a way to make money actually, he was surprised he didn’t think of it before.

It was not long before Wyes found a way to make money FULLSTOP Actually, he was surprised he didn't think of if before.
Read the sentence, pause at commas, breath on fullstops ... try this when editing. These sentences make it hard to read.

All he had to do was find a suitable arena and hold his own tournament but it would have to be private or he would be fined up to 1000 gold ingots

That gold ingots thing still bugs me ... pure gold is worth a lot, but you're using huge sums like 500, or 1000 and acting like it was nothing ... the land must be made of gold for it to be worth so little.

Something caught Wyes’s eye it was a suit of half plate armor. It had breastplate arm and leg armor plating made of steel it cost him 500 gold ingots. So now he needed money again but he knew a place were he would be able to get money

Plate armour, (I'd like to see the Australia spelling form you too) even half plate armour must be tailored to the wearer. You can't just walk into a shop and buy it. Someone needs to take measurment, they need to go away and make it ... it takes time. Plus, I think you made it to cheap. In Europe only knights could afford it.

Wyes left town again and headed for Guoge. The town where you could get any job for good pay especially mercenary jobs but Wyes was not to know that.

Do the reading thing again.

Wyes went through the jungle again just to check out the troll or where the troll should have been all Wyes could find was five crossbow-bolts covered in blood. Wyes looked around there weren’t any troll tracks but it looked like someone had got a bunch of horses and dragged it away, but what would be the point of that trolls dead or alive weren’t worth anything they weren’t even any good to eat. Wyes kept on walking until he got to Guoge.

And this bit too.

Wyes walked to the door and noticed a small sign near the door, the sign said: Want a job? Check out our variety.

Reading wasn't the sort of thing a blacksmith's son could do back then. And I doubt they'd write anything on a sign for that very reason, all the signs would be in symbols. Like a picture of a hammer for a backsmith ... I can't remember where I learnt that.

Wyes watched the troll pull the spikes out, he was shocked no living thing should be able to survive being stabbed at least 10 times each time around 12 inches deep and still be alive there must have been black magic involved.

Read that too.

Wyes picked up his sword off the ground started to charge at the beast. Any person would have thought Wyes was crazy, not many people had ever had a direct encounter with a troll and lived to tell the tale. Never-the-less Wyes ran at the half dead troll at started slashing at it as fast and as hard as he could. It was a fight for survival. The troll started to fight back waving its razor edged claws Wyes had the bad fortune to have one make contact with his face leaving a dead straight cut down his left cheek.
The man now was not amused but he now was amazed, the boy had managed to survive the blow and started to run towards the troll. The child was crazy he would never survive, he was already bleeding from a few spots on his stomach and on his face.
The troll did not know what to think, no creature had ever started to attack it before. A shrill screeching noise emanated from behind the troll.

This whole troll fight reminds me of Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer. Have you read it?

“You will find out soon enough,” the man said as he injected Wyes with a tranquillizer.

Did they have needles then? I don't know, but I doubt it. Also, I think back then, the most reliable tranquilizer would be a blow to the head, I don't think they had aneseptic, because most of their surgery was performed with the patient well and truly awake.

“Right well why does there need to be 2 people” Wyes said cautiously

You must write 2 as two, because the number is lower than ... I think it's 100, I don't remember exactly.
Plus all this dialogue needs to be throughly check over for gramma and punctuation errors.

The same dagger had killed his parents.

no no no no ... wait ... I thought he only dreamed that ... :? Confused.



Overall, this was a very interesting story, and I liked it. You really need to work on your grammer though. Also, I noticed that the further you went into the story, the better the quality of your writting became. Your characters gained there own distinct "voices" and the dialogue seemed much smoother and less forced. Well done!!!

lol, ok, i need to work on descriptions, and grammar, grammar is not a problem to fix

Grammer is no problem to fix, as long as you get round to it. Thinking that grammer is no problem, and putting it off will only make it never get fixed. Plus, it's really annoying reading an intersting story through a veil of bad grammer...




User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 16

Donate
Wed Jun 08, 2005 8:02 am
Happy Lizard wrote a review...



Hi I'm only eleven so I might not know that much yet about grammer and stuff ... but still ... I'll try.
Before I start I'm just going to tell you that I think this is a really good story that I enjoyed reading ... but you need to work on your grammer.

Now, we begin (PS, El's my sister, can you tell?)

The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked across the dark surroundings, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash that silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky.

I don't think you need to write "down" twice. It sounds repetive.

Wyes woke from the dream but kept his eyes shut, he heard the wind howling. He opened his eyes just enough so he could see were he was. He seemed to be in a small cottage of sorts Wyes wondered how he got there, then he noticed movement in one of the corners of the room. He opened his eyes fully and got up from were he lay. He reached for his sword at his belt. It was not there. So naturally his bow would not be on his back either. He looked around him then the movement in the corner slowly formed into a person, an elderly woman.

I like this bit, it's good.

“I found you out in the forest you had been knocked unconscious” she said
“Hi my name’s Brenda”
“Hi, I’m Wyes” Wyes put his hand out cautiously

You need to add punctuation before ending speach marks. Also, you need to put fullstops at the end of sentences so "she said" needs a fullstop.

“welcome to Sorrowind you came in the best season” She said sarcastically.

CAPITAL LETTERS begin sentences, "welcome" needs a capital. (and punctuation before closing speach marks)

Wyes suddenly realized he was chilled to the bone “Do you have something warm I can drink?” she handed him a cup of tea she had just made

Ditto, and for the rest of your dialogue throughout the story.

“Hey” he called out to the girl, the girl looked up from the corner she had blood on her fore head.

I'd put a fullstop between "girl" and "the girl"

She had long straight dark brown hair, brown eyes she was tall and thin

Yet again, this needs to end with a fullstop. I hate that "she was tall and thin" there needs to be a conjunction between "brown eyes" and "she was ...". We've been learning about conjuntions, they're joining words. I got full marks on the test!
Plus, show don't tell. Like you do "her long brown hair was matted with blood" or "her long brown hair blew in her face" or "Her eyes were as dark as the room surrounding her..." You know, go nuts with that, because it's more interesting then "she had long (COMMA, It's a list after all) straight (COMMA) dark brown hair".

Kathleen hesitated at first and then decided it was best to listen to the boy, as the girl got up onto the roof the house started to creak the girl got off the roof just as the room collapsed on Wyes…

Read that in one breath, with no pauses except for the comma (NO breaths, just a puase). I can't do it. Now rewrite it.

Wyes was knocked out for the second time that day; the next thing he remembered is the girl jumping off the roof.
You changed tenses here. "is" should be "was".

Wyes woke up underneath a bed of ruble, he felt tremendous amount of pain in his ribs Wyes was trying to think what did this to him but he couldn’t recall what happened, it all came back to him in a few minutes when he looked around were he laid.
Read in one breath, same deal deal with the pauses (Commas aren't breathing marks, they're just pauses. Fullstops are where you breath.) Now rewrite it. "laid" should be "lay"

Wyes tried to shift some of the ruble but all he managed to do was clear a small hole so that he could see outside, he was shifting so he could see out the hole when he felt something stabbing into his back. He grabbed the thing that was stabbing him in the back and pulled it in front of him. It was the remains of his long Bow.
Firstly, does he still have his long bow? I recall him waking up without it a while back ...
Secondly, do the sentence thing again.

Wyes laid there for what seemed like hours, all of the sudden he came up with an idea.
Did he really?
I am dictating to El, who can type faster (Happy Lizard found all these mistakes by herself, I assure you) and we both have a THING about the word suddenly, or sudden. For El, this is because she read a picture book when she was eight that began each page with the word "SUDDENLY ..." and has twitched when ever reading it since. For me, it just sounds WRONG, and corny.

El will now continue with my critiqueing ... I could have done more (This is FUN) but she insists it's her turn.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Tue Jun 07, 2005 1:16 pm
Elelel says...



*swears* I had a HUGE critique done, as an edit to the last post, and it went and logged me out because it took so long, and didn't post it. Damn. I'll come back and do it again tomorrow, I'm tired now.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Tue Jun 07, 2005 12:03 pm
View Likes
Elelel says...



OK, well, I'm back already because I finished all my homework and got bored.

Wyes knew what he was looking at, he was seeing himself a week after his parents murder.

i don't get how he knew it was a week later ... I mean "later" I could understand, but how does he know it's been a week? This might well be one of my dumb moments though...

He became a social outcast no one even knew he existed.

Show don't tell! How does he know the figure of himself he's seeing is a social outcast anyway?




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Tue Jun 07, 2005 10:03 am
Elelel wrote a review...



*cracks fingers* Right.
First, I'm going to be nit-picky, so don't take it personnally.
Secondly, I might not finish all this now, if not I'll come back tomorrow and pick up where I left off.

And now ...


The village of Holtmeir, was a quiet one, but beautiful, the luscious forests, with their fauna and flora, and near the outskirts, was a small family. A father, a mother, and a son. The father worked everyday, to provide for his wife and son, he was a blacksmith, his hands rough from the work. The mother, stayed at home to care for the son, and tend to the house, her hugs warm and loving. The son, bright, strong, but restless


um ... do you know how to use commas? Because, if you don't I'll run through something now which I always keep in mind when writing them, it may help you. "Commas indicate a pause."
Ok, so The village of Holtmeir, was a quiet one, but beautiful, the luscious forests, with their fauna and flora, and near the outskirts, was a small family. read that, pausing where ever you hit a comma ... where should the commas NOT be? I think It would be better to write it something like this The village of Holtmeir wasn't a loud, busy place (eliminate the "one" thing too, which sounded wrong to my ear). This did not mean it wasn't beautiful, with luscious forests and their diverse flora and funa (I would avoid that "flora and funa" bit, actually). Near the outskirts lived a small family. In the family there was a father, a mother and a son (or better yet, a blacksmith, his wife and their son, elimiating the need to say the father was a blacksmith) ... etc Something like that. And, merely on a note of curiousity, why does a blacksmith want to live on the outskirts of town? I'd want my shop right in the middle, with all the competition, and my house either next door, or on the next floor which was how things tended to be organised in the middle ages ....

Wyes walked along the path. A storm was brewing above him. The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked across the dark surroundings, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash that silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky. He searched the surroundings, and noticed light seeping through the dense dank forest ahead. He started towards the light. Wyes began to run, the wind was picking up, and things were being blown dangerously close to him. Lightning was viciously striking the trees all around him. He was sprinting for his life. A tree fell blocking the path directly in front of him. He tried to back up. He tripped. Everything went black-


Cut down on the forms of the verb "to be" here (but don't follow the rule over the edge of the earth, "was" is not a bad word unless it's used too often) A storm was brewing above him. The rain was beginning to come down Well, I think the second sentence there needs changing to something else ... you know, something poetic and all that stuff or you could go He had known the storm was brewing for some time, now the weather broke and rain battered down .... etc

Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself.

I believe someone has already suggested changing this to separate sentences. I'd do that.

He turned to his father, he also faded, and everything went black.

Instead of and everything went black you could try to eliminate that "and" by going something like leaving him in blackness. And's get annoying after a while.

Everything became hazy then came into focus, he was inside he heard screaming his mother came into view, a man was chasing after her. He ran to help her but he couldn’t move there seemed to be an invisible barrier that had formed between him and his mother. The man stabbed her in the back Wyes screamed out in protest but nothing came out. His father ran in with an axe in his hand and tried to cut the man with it. However, the man was to fast for his father. The man came up from under him and shoved his dagger up into his father’s lung, his father staggered and managed to slice the man down one side of his face. Then his father collapsed next to his wife.


Sentences need to be divided and lengthened in this passage "A sentence is a single idea" -- thankyou Mr Rowe, my year 9 English teacher. Try to keep that in mind when you can't seem to get a sentence right. Also, try to show us what Wyes is feeling. Because, if my mother was stabbed in front of me ... I wouldn't just scream, I'd be in shock, which means I'd be feeling sick, my legs would be shakey, I'd also be filled with disbelief, riddled with doubt whether the dream is true or not, and I'd be scared shitless (pardon my French). I might be too shock to scream, I wouldn't know for certain, my mother has never been stabbed in front of me. Wyes must be pretty insensitive too just scream.
And as for the rest ... add poetry ... you know "romance". Be fancy. A little metaphor and some similies would brighten this bit up to no end. Stuff like "fast as lightning".




Ok, I'll continue this tomorrow, I've gone WAY over my "time limit" (which I've been ignoring lately) and the Simpsons are on.




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Mon Jun 06, 2005 11:05 am
Shadow Knight says...



Past Tense ;) and yeah, I haven't really gotten around to editing it. (I've got the time, i'm just extremely lazy)




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 40

Donate
Tue May 31, 2005 1:25 am
View Likes
Ceylon says...



Cool. I don't like the beginning though. You should have put " Storm brew overhead." That's all. :D




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Mon May 30, 2005 6:33 am
Shadow Knight says...



Added an un-finished prologue.
And Ray, I still haven't finished part 1 :lol:




Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 124

Donate
Sun May 15, 2005 2:49 pm
Reyu wrote a review...



Glad to see that you posted it.
Has it been edited at all since my review? I did not bother to read it before commenting.

Get crackin man! Get us a part two!

~Reyu :)




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun May 15, 2005 11:50 am
View Likes
hallie_92 says...



hey dude
funky story :lol:
anyway ummm yh
byeeeeeeeeeeee
xxxluv yaxxxx




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 14

Donate
Fri Apr 08, 2005 1:29 pm
uniaeca wrote a review...



It's got a really good plot and it's written quite well but what I would suggest is to put in more description like you've been thinking. Slow it down a little and make it move more smoothly, at the moment it keeps jumping. It kind of feels like I'm reading something more close to a plot line than an actual story. Otherwise it's quite a good story so far.




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Wed Mar 30, 2005 12:02 am
Shadow Knight says...



lol, ok, i need to work on descriptions, and grammar, grammar is not a problem to fix.




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Tue Mar 29, 2005 11:52 pm
Firestarter says...



Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself.


Two seperate thoughts. Split them - "Wyes saw his parents. How can this be? he thought to himself." Or something like that. Anyhow, I think we need more details on this. You don't really have enough. Too briefly done. Doesn't do the situation justice.

He saw a house, his house, the door was left open which was unusual for his family to leave the door open like that.


First bit before the first comma is not needed. Just amalgamate the first two bits into "He saw his house," The sentence could do with some restructuring too. Maybe, - "He saw his house, but the door was left wide open, which was unusual. His family never left the door open."

Everything became hazy then came into focus,


I think we should have learnt by now *shakes fists* Split different ideas! "Everything became hazy, and then (slowly) came into focus." The adverb is in brackets because I think one is needed here.

Yeh, I'm going to stop highlighting the same mistakes. Just put commas in better places, okay?

Also, by reading the description, I think it's a little rushed and not elaborate. Slow it down, insert a few more adjectives, a few more adverbs, a bit more emtoion! Delve into the guy's mind, let's feel it a bitmore.

Anyway, it's alright at the moment. I'll plug away some more later.




User avatar
493 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 493

Donate
Tue Mar 29, 2005 11:48 pm
Misty wrote a review...



A storm was brewing over him....

Hmm, how about, "A storm brewed overhead," or something like that?

The wind was picking up and things were being blown off the ground, Wyes began to run...

That sort of made it hard to understand, like it really didn't flow. I think you should say something like, "Wyes began to run as the wind blew things off the ground," but even that doesn't work. What is being picked up off the ground? I need more description to get into this.

My biggest problems were your sentences. Like, I do tend to be an really in depth editor, because I'm good at making things flow, but I really don't have time right now. Basically everything's just really choppy, and it the sentences don't flow smoothly into each other. But your plot and storyline are really good, it's just a matter of getting the flow down. Hope that helped! :D




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Wed Mar 16, 2005 7:53 am
Emma says...



I've read the first bit and its really good. I have school to go to so I'll comment after I get back! I really can't wait to read the rest!




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Tue Mar 15, 2005 6:15 pm
Shadow Knight says...



Oh, thanks for the comments people, thank you all. I'll try and finish this soon so you can read the rest




User avatar
263 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 263

Donate
Tue Mar 15, 2005 6:04 pm
Lollipop says...



This story was very good. You've certainly got talent!! YEAHHH!!!!




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 10

Donate
Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:59 am
View Likes
Slothman says...



Good work.

I'm not going to go into as much detail as some people, and that would be pointless as I've already told you about the spelling errors I found when you emailed it to me. Oh Well.




Random avatar

Points: 690
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sat Mar 12, 2005 1:04 am
View Likes
Skid Row says...



hm i would say everything went blank or something...but its your story lol




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Tue Mar 08, 2005 9:07 am
Shadow Knight says...



Sure i have no problems with that, also, i won't be posting any more of this story until i finish part 1, or showing what i have edited, it can be time consuming. I have also found that most people believe that you shouldn't edit your stories until after you have finished them. Other than that, thanks everyone.

~~Shadow~Knight~~ :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Mar 07, 2005 10:29 pm
Bazoo wrote a review...



This is general and quick, but Firestarter hit most of it:

I, personally, would refrain from starting with the date, place, or time. I think it slows everything down, and the reader should be able to pick up on what time frame it is.

Just implement it into the story.

Most of your sentences are really choppy. My suggestion is to read over your sentences right after you write them, and judge how repetitive or how much sense it makes. Especially that first sentence; it makes the reader cringe if you have a mistake in it or if it doesn't make sense.

A lot of problems are within the dialouge, too. It seems way too fast-paced and unrealistic, and you rarely put puncutation in. Periods DO belong at the end of statements. Most of it lacked commas, also.

Something else that bugged me is that the dialouge ALWAYS started with "Hi, I'm ...."
or "Hi Wyes" or it lacked a comma and went "hi I'm ..."

See the problems here? It seems like they are just greeting each other and leaving.

Mainly, it's just way too choppy. Please read it over and make it flow better. I really lost interest.




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Mon Mar 07, 2005 5:10 am
Shadow Knight says...



Thanks for the help for that first part, there should be less mistakes further through the story because it was written over a long period of time in which my writing skills developed more

Thanks for the help

~~Shadow~Knight~~ :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Sun Mar 06, 2005 1:29 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



General edits:

Wyes walk along the path.


Wyes walked along the path.

A storm was brewing over him


Hmm...'over' doesn't seem the right preposition here...I think perhaps 'above' would be better..so that would be "A storm was brewing above him".

The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down, lightning streaked across the gloomy gray sky, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash which silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky.


The first comma should be a semi-colon...."The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked..." My suggestion would be to break this into two seperate sentences anyway. Also, you used "sky" twice in the sentence. Repetition withint a sentence is not a good thing unless it is purposeful, which in this context, it was not. Change one of them to something else.

He searched the surroundings, he noticed light seeping through the forest ahead.


There's no need for two pronouns in this sentence, as you have already established who the subject is. Change it to, "He searched the surroundings, and noticed light seeping through the forest ahead." The other problem I have with this sentence is it's lack of descriptive adverbs. You're not painting the picture well enough - because you began the story with no descriptive backdrop of the surrounding area, we are left hopelessly bereft of any knowledge of where the character is. Some description is badly needed in this first paragraph. Try and insert some of your sentences with a few more adjectives and adverbs and prepositions...e.g. "and noticed light seeping through the nearby forest, which was usually dark." Bad example, but you should get my point.

By the looks of it must have been a small town, he started towards the light


And how does this character make such a intelligent deduction? You gave us no information about the lights beforehand! Perhaps if you've described the lights as "like far-off swinging latterns dispersed in a variety of directions," the reader may have some sort of clue that this would be his assumption. It seems a little unlikely otherwise that Wyes would know this. Also, you seem to have missed some words in the clause after the comma, as it is confusing. I think it should be "and so he started towards the light."

The wind was picking up and things were being blown off the ground, Wyes began to run


You have put the most important part of the sentence at the end, which makes it difficult to read. I think you should re-arrange it - "Wyes began to run as the wind picked up and objects were thrown across his path," is an example.

Lightning was striking the trees all around him, he was sprinting. Everything went black…


I think you should add something in about his life being in danger, otherwise no tension is built up. Something akin to "Lightning was viciously striking the trees all around him, and he was sprinting for his life." Also, you end this paragraph far too soon. Add in a few extra sentences before the second sentence "Everything went black."

Here's an example - "Lightning was viciousl striking the trees all around him, and he was literally sprinting for his life. As he darted left and right, a burnt tree trunk was threwn just behind his back, and he breathed a quick sigh of relief. But the danger wasn't over - the storm wasn't finished with him. Incandescent flashes streaked just ahead and the ground exploded in front of him. Everything went black..."

I don't usually re-write people's writing for them, but I thought you might need some suggestions to work on.

Okay, that was the first paragraph, lol. I'll do some more when I have the time.

General issues are lack of adverbs and descriptive sentences.




User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 16

Donate
Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:12 am
neonshorty says...



Its a really good story. I've read it alot.




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Thu Mar 03, 2005 8:21 am
Shadow Knight says...



There we go, thats how its supposed to be, remind me, NEVER USE THE 'Pre' BUTTON EVER AGAIN!




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:33 pm
Firestarter says...



Ahhh!

I'll read this once it's in paragraphs.




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Wed Mar 02, 2005 5:23 am
Shadow Knight says...



It was supposed to be seperated into paragraphs, oh well, thanks for the comment, i'll read your story now




User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 24

Donate
Wed Mar 02, 2005 12:10 am



I found this story very enjoyable to read. Next time, could you separate your story into paragraphs? That makes it a lot easier to read.
I had fun reading yours so please read mine!





Almost all absurdity of conduct rises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
— Samuel Johnson