by Shadow Knight
Moop. What happened to my other story thread? O.o
Just for all you folks that've been posting here... This is my old, OLD story. I wrote this when I was 13... I'm now 15, The Wanderings (v2) is my current project.
Well, you seem to have loads of reviews on this already, but since i read it i will say my peice
Ok, i wont point out mistakes now as that has already been done, but i really loved this. I agree with Fool on the dream bit but other than that well done this is really good stuff!
Well this story is certainly going somewhere, and its going a break-neck speed. I liked it, the story was interesting, i could get to like Wyes the more i get to know of him. I also like the idea, i can't tell where its going but i like where it's been if you see what i mean.
Right, now to the serious stuff. GRAMMER. Please use some full stops, i could point out all the occasions when i had to read back to see if i could keep up with the story, you've got the comma sorted but break up some of the longer sentances.
I know it does not often take much, but the start confused me and its the only thing that really bugged me throughout the whole story. This is the bit i mean
[quote]Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself. He reached out to touch his mother, she just smiled and faded into nothingness .He turned to his father, he also faded, and everything went black. He saw a house, his house, the door was left open which was unusual for his family to leave the door open like that. Everything became hazy then came into focus, he was inside he heard screaming his mother came into view, a man was chasing after her. He ran to help her but he couldn’t move there seemed to be an invisible barrier that had formed between him and his mother. The man stabbed her in the back Wyes screamed out in protest but nothing came out. His father ran in with an axe in his hand and tried to cut the man with it. However, the man was to fast for his father. The man came up from under him and shoved his dagger up into his father’s lung, his father staggered and managed to slice the man down one side of his face. Then his father collapsed next to his wife. The image changed. Wyes saw himself holding a dagger walking along a long winding road that led to rugged snow capped mountains. Wyes knew what he was looking at, he was seeing himself a week after his parents murder. He became a social outcast no one even knew he existed. He trekked up to the mountains were he disappeared of the face of the planet for five years. Then he reappeared when he was sixteen skilled in Archery and Swordsmanship, this was a year ago.
Wyes woke from the dream but kept his eyes shut, he heard the wind howling[/quote]
I thougt this was a dream, it starts as a dream and you say it finishes as a dream when Wyes wakes up from the dream. But in the middle you say about him being a social outcast and wandering of to the mountains coming back when he's 16. That does not fitt in with a dream, the rest of the story says this actually happened, that after his parents were murdered he went of to the mountains, but its written in a dream, which made me confussed. If its going to work, you need to explain that he's 16, been to the mountains first, then explain the reason, ie, his parents murder. That would honestly make it easier to follow.
The rest is pretty good, the story's going somewhere, sort out the grammer and its going to be a really good read.
Looking forward to the next part. Keep writing
I think you are over uh... fancing your thoughts into words. The rest of the story was good.
Just so you know, the whole hurricane/cyclone/typhoon thing, when I wrote that part, I didn't know about that (seeming that part was written almost a year or 2 ago)
Now, as for the ingot. This particular ingot, is my own ingot, my own currency, but I suppose I should have somehow gotten that across to the reader.
'This whole troll fight reminds me of Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer. Have you read it? '
Happens to be one of my favourite books. And yes I was thinking the same thing when I wrote that particular scene.
and I've just gotten really lazy and not gotten around to it, i'll have to make myself get around to it this weekend.
I didn't do any of those examples or find any of those mistakes for her. *is proud*
(Sorrowind was named because of the hurricanes that occur annually).
He was wondering why he hadn’t been crushed alive. There should be at least half a ton of rock and wood on top of him, he was thinking then he realized when the house collapsed he must have slipped under the girls’ bed.
Wyes tried to shift some of the ruble but all he managed to do was clear a small hole so that he could see outside, he was shifting so he could see out the hole when he felt something stabbing into his back. He grabbed the thing that was stabbing him in the back and pulled it in front of him.
The hospital was full of people that had been hurt in the storm. The doctors were trying as hard as they could to get around to help but there was just to many people. Wyes volunteered to help but the doctors refused to let a ‘civilian’ help them so Wyes went to a private hospital to recuperate for a week or two then he went to his room at the Elvin hotel.
The judges acknowledged the move as a killing blow and declared Wyes the winner of the competition. Wyes collected the winner’s purse of 500 gold ingots. The other two tournaments were only 100 gold ingots for winning.
“Hi Norman” Wyes said. They started running. Norman pulled out a custom made high-powered crossbow with an auto-reloading five shot magazine “Impressive” exclaimed Wyes.
“Do you need assistance with your leg” the healer said
“Hello Kathleen” Wyes said “Oh hi Wyes” Kathleen said, “ Well did you have any troubles getting here?” Wyes said “No not really, what about you” she said “ A little bit, a troll” Wyes said casually “Oh just a little bit” Kathleen said sarcastically “is that what did that to your leg” she said “ Ah, no that was a midget from Cinter” he said awkwardly “ Right, well I gotta go” said Kathleen “Seeya later” Wyes shouted as she walked away just then he noticed she was wearing armor and had a long sword in its sheath that was strapped to her leg.
It was not long before Wyes found a way to make money actually, he was surprised he didn’t think of it before.
All he had to do was find a suitable arena and hold his own tournament but it would have to be private or he would be fined up to 1000 gold ingots
Something caught Wyes’s eye it was a suit of half plate armor. It had breastplate arm and leg armor plating made of steel it cost him 500 gold ingots. So now he needed money again but he knew a place were he would be able to get money
Wyes left town again and headed for Guoge. The town where you could get any job for good pay especially mercenary jobs but Wyes was not to know that.
Wyes went through the jungle again just to check out the troll or where the troll should have been all Wyes could find was five crossbow-bolts covered in blood. Wyes looked around there weren’t any troll tracks but it looked like someone had got a bunch of horses and dragged it away, but what would be the point of that trolls dead or alive weren’t worth anything they weren’t even any good to eat. Wyes kept on walking until he got to Guoge.
Wyes walked to the door and noticed a small sign near the door, the sign said: Want a job? Check out our variety.
Wyes watched the troll pull the spikes out, he was shocked no living thing should be able to survive being stabbed at least 10 times each time around 12 inches deep and still be alive there must have been black magic involved.
Wyes picked up his sword off the ground started to charge at the beast. Any person would have thought Wyes was crazy, not many people had ever had a direct encounter with a troll and lived to tell the tale. Never-the-less Wyes ran at the half dead troll at started slashing at it as fast and as hard as he could. It was a fight for survival. The troll started to fight back waving its razor edged claws Wyes had the bad fortune to have one make contact with his face leaving a dead straight cut down his left cheek. The man now was not amused but he now was amazed, the boy had managed to survive the blow and started to run towards the troll. The child was crazy he would never survive, he was already bleeding from a few spots on his stomach and on his face. The troll did not know what to think, no creature had ever started to attack it before. A shrill screeching noise emanated from behind the troll.
“You will find out soon enough,” the man said as he injected Wyes with a tranquillizer.
“Right well why does there need to be 2 people” Wyes said cautiously
The same dagger had killed his parents.
lol, ok, i need to work on descriptions, and grammar, grammar is not a problem to fix
Hi I'm only eleven so I might not know that much yet about grammer and stuff ... but still ... I'll try.
Before I start I'm just going to tell you that I think this is a really good story that I enjoyed reading ... but you need to work on your grammer.
Now, we begin (PS, El's my sister, can you tell?)
The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked across the dark surroundings, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash that silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky.
Wyes woke from the dream but kept his eyes shut, he heard the wind howling. He opened his eyes just enough so he could see were he was. He seemed to be in a small cottage of sorts Wyes wondered how he got there, then he noticed movement in one of the corners of the room. He opened his eyes fully and got up from were he lay. He reached for his sword at his belt. It was not there. So naturally his bow would not be on his back either. He looked around him then the movement in the corner slowly formed into a person, an elderly woman.
“I found you out in the forest you had been knocked unconscious” she said “Hi my name’s Brenda” “Hi, I’m Wyes” Wyes put his hand out cautiously
“welcome to Sorrowind you came in the best season” She said sarcastically.
Wyes suddenly realized he was chilled to the bone “Do you have something warm I can drink?” she handed him a cup of tea she had just made
“Hey” he called out to the girl, the girl looked up from the corner she had blood on her fore head.
She had long straight dark brown hair, brown eyes she was tall and thin
Kathleen hesitated at first and then decided it was best to listen to the boy, as the girl got up onto the roof the house started to creak the girl got off the roof just as the room collapsed on Wyes…
You changed tenses here. "is" should be "was".
Read in one breath, same deal deal with the pauses (Commas aren't breathing marks, they're just pauses. Fullstops are where you breath.) Now rewrite it. "laid" should be "lay"
Firstly, does he still have his long bow? I recall him waking up without it a while back ...Secondly, do the sentence thing again.
Did he really?I am dictating to El, who can type faster (Happy Lizard found all these mistakes by herself, I assure you) and we both have a THING about the word suddenly, or sudden. For El, this is because she read a picture book when she was eight that began each page with the word "SUDDENLY ..." and has twitched when ever reading it since. For me, it just sounds WRONG, and corny.El will now continue with my critiqueing ... I could have done more (This is FUN) but she insists it's her turn.
*swears* I had a HUGE critique done, as an edit to the last post, and it went and logged me out because it took so long, and didn't post it. Damn. I'll come back and do it again tomorrow, I'm tired now.
OK, well, I'm back already because I finished all my homework and got bored.
Wyes knew what he was looking at, he was seeing himself a week after his parents murder.
He became a social outcast no one even knew he existed.
*cracks fingers* Right.
First, I'm going to be nit-picky, so don't take it personnally.
Secondly, I might not finish all this now, if not I'll come back tomorrow and pick up where I left off.
And now ...
The village of Holtmeir, was a quiet one, but beautiful, the luscious forests, with their fauna and flora, and near the outskirts, was a small family. A father, a mother, and a son. The father worked everyday, to provide for his wife and son, he was a blacksmith, his hands rough from the work. The mother, stayed at home to care for the son, and tend to the house, her hugs warm and loving. The son, bright, strong, but restless
Wyes walked along the path. A storm was brewing above him. The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked across the dark surroundings, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash that silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky. He searched the surroundings, and noticed light seeping through the dense dank forest ahead. He started towards the light. Wyes began to run, the wind was picking up, and things were being blown dangerously close to him. Lightning was viciously striking the trees all around him. He was sprinting for his life. A tree fell blocking the path directly in front of him. He tried to back up. He tripped. Everything went black-
Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself.
He turned to his father, he also faded, and everything went black.
Everything became hazy then came into focus, he was inside he heard screaming his mother came into view, a man was chasing after her. He ran to help her but he couldn’t move there seemed to be an invisible barrier that had formed between him and his mother. The man stabbed her in the back Wyes screamed out in protest but nothing came out. His father ran in with an axe in his hand and tried to cut the man with it. However, the man was to fast for his father. The man came up from under him and shoved his dagger up into his father’s lung, his father staggered and managed to slice the man down one side of his face. Then his father collapsed next to his wife.
Past Tense and yeah, I haven't really gotten around to editing it. (I've got the time, i'm just extremely lazy)
Cool. I don't like the beginning though. You should have put " Storm brew overhead." That's all.
Added an un-finished prologue.
And Ray, I still haven't finished part 1
Glad to see that you posted it.
Has it been edited at all since my review? I did not bother to read it before commenting.
Get crackin man! Get us a part two!
anyway ummm yh
It's got a really good plot and it's written quite well but what I would suggest is to put in more description like you've been thinking. Slow it down a little and make it move more smoothly, at the moment it keeps jumping. It kind of feels like I'm reading something more close to a plot line than an actual story. Otherwise it's quite a good story so far.
lol, ok, i need to work on descriptions, and grammar, grammar is not a problem to fix.
Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself.
He saw a house, his house, the door was left open which was unusual for his family to leave the door open like that.
Everything became hazy then came into focus,
A storm was brewing over him....
Hmm, how about, "A storm brewed overhead," or something like that?
The wind was picking up and things were being blown off the ground, Wyes began to run...
That sort of made it hard to understand, like it really didn't flow. I think you should say something like, "Wyes began to run as the wind blew things off the ground," but even that doesn't work. What is being picked up off the ground? I need more description to get into this.
My biggest problems were your sentences. Like, I do tend to be an really in depth editor, because I'm good at making things flow, but I really don't have time right now. Basically everything's just really choppy, and it the sentences don't flow smoothly into each other. But your plot and storyline are really good, it's just a matter of getting the flow down. Hope that helped!
I've read the first bit and its really good. I have school to go to so I'll comment after I get back! I really can't wait to read the rest!
Oh, thanks for the comments people, thank you all. I'll try and finish this soon so you can read the rest
This story was very good. You've certainly got talent!! YEAHHH!!!!
I'm not going to go into as much detail as some people, and that would be pointless as I've already told you about the spelling errors I found when you emailed it to me. Oh Well.
hm i would say everything went blank or something...but its your story lol
Sure i have no problems with that, also, i won't be posting any more of this story until i finish part 1, or showing what i have edited, it can be time consuming. I have also found that most people believe that you shouldn't edit your stories until after you have finished them. Other than that, thanks everyone.
This is general and quick, but Firestarter hit most of it:
I, personally, would refrain from starting with the date, place, or time. I think it slows everything down, and the reader should be able to pick up on what time frame it is.
Just implement it into the story.
Most of your sentences are really choppy. My suggestion is to read over your sentences right after you write them, and judge how repetitive or how much sense it makes. Especially that first sentence; it makes the reader cringe if you have a mistake in it or if it doesn't make sense.
A lot of problems are within the dialouge, too. It seems way too fast-paced and unrealistic, and you rarely put puncutation in. Periods DO belong at the end of statements. Most of it lacked commas, also.
Something else that bugged me is that the dialouge ALWAYS started with "Hi, I'm ...."
or "Hi Wyes" or it lacked a comma and went "hi I'm ..."
See the problems here? It seems like they are just greeting each other and leaving.
Mainly, it's just way too choppy. Please read it over and make it flow better. I really lost interest.
Thanks for the help for that first part, there should be less mistakes further through the story because it was written over a long period of time in which my writing skills developed more
Thanks for the help
Wyes walk along the path.
A storm was brewing over him
The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down, lightning streaked across the gloomy gray sky, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash which silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky.
He searched the surroundings, he noticed light seeping through the forest ahead.
By the looks of it must have been a small town, he started towards the light
The wind was picking up and things were being blown off the ground, Wyes began to run
Lightning was striking the trees all around him, he was sprinting. Everything went black…
Its a really good story. I've read it alot.
There we go, thats how its supposed to be, remind me, NEVER USE THE 'Pre' BUTTON EVER AGAIN!
I'll read this once it's in paragraphs.
It was supposed to be seperated into paragraphs, oh well, thanks for the comment, i'll read your story now
I found this story very enjoyable to read. Next time, could you separate your story into paragraphs? That makes it a lot easier to read.
I had fun reading yours so please read mine!
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