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Screaming and Singing

by gruzinkerbell


I had wondered why I felt so wonderful when a stranger smiled and looked me in the eye. Maybe it was because someone, who never knew my past mistakes, saw something in me I couldn't see in myself. Maybe they saw me as someone easy to play around with. And maybe part of them just wanted to see me smile, too.

Either way, seeing strangers turn their heads and eye me curiously always made me puff myself up more and stand a little taller. I was no longer shy and scared. I was confident and mysterious, and I suddenly felt like I could give a witty answer to anything that anyone said. My own mind felt like a fever dream, unable to be captured or taught better. I craved to break free of whatever rules I had set for myself before, and while my moral compass was still strong, my mind was not. I could slowly feel myself crumbling. It was terrifying looking back at it, but in the moment, it felt surreal.

I sauntered through various shops that night, aimlessly laughing and cracking what I thought was my best smile. I stood taller, acted completely different than myself, and when I saw anyone that piqued my interest I would wait to see if they would look me in the eye. If they didn't, it was no big deal. It just meant that my temporary ego shattered completely until I found someone else to build it back up again. I had never seen myself in this light, and while I never wanted to leave it, my morals seemed to break slower and slower, until I was lost in a mirror of myself I couldn't recognize.

The night went on for a while longer as I panicked in some moments and cast wanting glances in others. I didn't want to admit it, but it gave me a sort of high to think I was messing with people's feelings. To feel wanted, desired, and lovely to a mere stranger was something I had never experienced. I had live with the same old people my entire life, and I was excited to be with others. I reasoned with myself that what I did was fine. Didn't it say in Ecclesiastes to enjoy being young? It felt like I had never enjoyed being young like this; I was never reckless, never ready to give away my heart or break someone else's. I felt like a wildfire that kept being put out by water; the only problem was that I was in my own forest, destroying all of my growth. It felt as if everything I had built for myself was gone. And I was determined to leave everything in ashes.

I hadn't felt a real connection for those few months before. I hadn't had contact with one of the dearest people in my life that I had known for seven years, and not seeing them made me ache to find a replacement, and quickly. Seeing everyone else I knew go off and enjoy each other's company was a luxury it didn't feel like I had. I had already rebuilt myself and my circle that year, and I didn't have anyone I was particularly strong with to turn to. Maybe if I had found someone that night, someone who made my fire burn brighter and my mind caution neglected I would feel whole again. That's what I wanted, and that's what I deserved; wasn't it?

Despite my sky-high ego that night, I had forgotten that in order to actually find someone like I intended, I would have to talk to people, which wasn't my strong suit. I needed more preparation than what my split-second decisions allowed, and I simply didn't have the confidence in those moments to do that. I had a few plans as to what would work, but it wasn't the right time and they were too specific. Not to mention that walking around at night at all of these shops kept me a little too on edge; sometimes it felt like I was being watched, and not in a good way. I looked around everywhere I could, not only to see someone who seemed fun, but to point out anyone that raised my suspicions. In the end, I met no one, failed to fall in love with anyone, and most importantly, had an entire morning to look back at my decisions that night with shock and disappointment.

So here I am. Lovesick. My social battery drained. My confidence, while a little bit higher, was drawn to a standstill. I look back at that night and realize I could use my confidence for the greater good, trying to help people in moments I would normally be scared and find someone who builds bridges with me, not burn them. Maybe nothing happened in the real world that night, but a lot of gears turned in my mind and my heart. I realized that maybe I'm an attention-seeker. Maybe I need constant validation. Maybe I used to forget that God's love was enough.

I'll pray that I change for the better. Until then, I'll read my Bible and wait for the right person to come my way before I drag away the wrong one. I'll also try to work on not being shy. Because, whether my ego is high or low, my moments of extremity never seem to go quite right. But I have a lovely life, filled with lovely people. Not strangers I met on the street.

Hello! I hope you enjoyed my writing, and in reference, I was referencing the verse Ecclesiastes 11:9 (posted on my wall). Thanks for reading this!

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Thu Aug 08, 2024 2:42 am
farq4d wrote a review...



good evening- or whatever time it is when you have a chance to read this; i'm just here to drop by for a quick review. :-)

this short story seems to be a sort of self-reflective short story, which i always enjoy as i tend to dabble in those myself.

this short story to me is about wanting attention. the main character is recounting a night to the reader when they seemingly walked around in public trying to make eye-contact/interact with strangers. as someone who hates people looking at me, i find this perspective really interesting.

I had wondered why I felt so wonderful when a stranger smiled and looked me in the eye. Maybe it was because someone, who never knew my past mistakes, saw something in me I couldn't see in myself.


these first two sentences here in the short story really hooked me, because i found middle school me kind of relating. when you meet new people, you can present yourself in whatever way you want; those new people don't know your past, and oftentimes if they have never heard about you, you have complete control over their perception of you. when i transferred schools, i felt like i was able to finally 'fix' the juvenile perception people had of me during elementary. so i find myself relating to this feeling described here.

for me, the story took a sort of turn at the fourth paragraph with the mention of the book from the bible, especially because i don't often find people quoting that particular book. at that point, the story went from a reflection on seeking out validation from others to a religious reflection on fixing this 'problem,' which was definitely something i didn't expect. it seems the message of the story is to stop seeking validation from others and to put god first.

i went ahead and looked up the verse to read it and further understand the story. i included the following verse because it helped me understand what the verse meant even further :-)

ecclesiastes 11:9-10
You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things, God will bring you into judgement. So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.


the main character of the story says to themselves in order to assure themselves of their actions that it was fine because,
Didn't it say in Ecclesiastes to enjoy being young? It felt like I had never enjoyed being young like this; I was never reckless, never ready to give away my heart or break someone else's


after reading the verse, it felt like the purpose of the mention of this verse was to show the main character misinterpreting the it to justify their actions, especially because later in the story the main character reflects on their actions and decides that they should be fulfilled with just their god. to me, the verse seems to be a sort of warning against following your heart, which lines up with other biblical verses such as Jeremiah 17:9-10 which reads:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.


if i were to improve this piece, i would suggest further exploring why exactly the main character is going out and about. at the beginning of the story, it seems like the main character is simply walking around the town because they like getting attention from strangers. however, at the end of the story, there's strong implications that the main character was actually also looking for a love interest. i would recommend showing that in the beginning portion of the piece, because in the beginning it seems like the main character's aim is to simply boost their confidence or make new friends.

another thing i would consider changing would be the tenses in the second to last paragraph. you wrote:

I realized that maybe I'm an attention-seeker. Maybe I need constant validation. Maybe I used to forget that God's love was enough.


for me, in this case, i think it would make sense to write: "Maybe I forgot that God's love was enough." with this tense, the sentence is saying that in that particular moment, the main character forgot this fact. i also think that this could work if it was written as: "Maybe I forget that God's love is enough," thus implying that it's not a one time thing, and every so often the main character forgets this fact. the way it's written with the 'used to' makes it sound like the main character will never ever forget this fact again, which i feel like is a little unrealistic.

overall, thanks for sharing this short story. i was able to follow along with the main character's train of though very well. the lesson, though unexpected, was able to tie everything together in the end.





What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian