NOOO THIS POEM ARE YOU KIDDING I FORGOT THIS EXISTED!!!! asjkdfl this was and still is a masterpiece
I love this idea with my entire heart. Reminds me of a sciency graph poem fortis did that I've always admired.Okay so on to the VERY LATE review!! FormThe variety of different aspects of notating makes this poem feel so layered! I like the idea that it can be read in multiple layers and voices. And because it's all one science report it certainly feels united and continuous too. The piece is creative and I think it's very read-able too, which is sometimes hard with alternative forms! The only part I thought was pretty tricky to read was "write your conclusions about how colours absorb light here" but it was kind of ironic that that line was hard to read given what it said. I think I'd move it up a bit though so it doesn't overlap the other text even if it needs to be light.That being said, one negative aspect is that with so many words it gets hard to pick out what's most important and I'm not sure where the poem builds to. I think you could highlight whatever you want the main message to be with a more direct title, or by really off-setting some of the formatting where the main message is coming across -- I think maybe the red writing was doing this? but I almost wanted it to be more direct somewhere there? There's also a bit of wordage that seemed a little extraneous (ie. "frisky nitrogen atoms" & "the page didn't ask you to touch it" are interesting notes, but I'm not sure what it adds to the overall character and message). The brown section I also had a hard time understanding how it linked in. I think the strongest section was the ending where the formatting gets a little chaotic, but the teacher takes on this really affirming voice and also gets really poetic in some of those longer chunks.MessageThis piece actually feels like a lot of pressure to interpret since it is really well done, and yet the layers make it a bit tricky to decipher one firm meaning from the poem. But I think given that the poem naturally has different voices (the teacher, lab-report form, and the student) I think it's okay that the interpretation layers could be different too!At times I got a bit confused on who the teacher and student were. I especially had trouble with the type-writer text and couldn't really figure out what the type reader text was coming from. I think the scrawling text was meant to be the teacher, though they weren't very conventional in their directions and seemed to be self-critical of the form that they had given. This creates a strange cycle of second guessing that was interesting to read through. I think one of the main messages seemed to be self-doubt or maybe doubt of formal expectations. It felt like the teacher was doing a lot of second guessing through the piece, and as I mentioned that created quite an interesting voice.I think the "10 x 10 = 100 ... the perfect number, to base your self-worth" - is a nice tie in to the pressure of assignments; and fitting into perfection / expectations versus breaking through the limiting bounds of experiments and different people's standards. Another theme seemed to be the concept of absorption that the atmosphere, paper, colors, people take in what they are given - > and then the implicit moral would be to be careful what you give out. The bottom two chunks with the floral bulb notes seemed to go with that theme a lot. I love the image of "amaryllis bulbs within your ribcage" AHHH that's so pretty and a great metaphor for the hidden potential in all of us!At one point the poem says "Concepts explored: absorption, reflection, solar radiation" and I wonder if these were the three directions or themes of the poem? Reflection could be the brooding / critical / self-reflection voice, absorption could be the concept I was noting above, and then radiation is a bit harder to understand but I guess it's what we produce and the idea of potential energy and production? Relating to this theme would be lines like this one: "if the atmosphere isn't receptive to your warmth then that's its loss" <- that's another wonderfully written line !! SuggestionsA few wording suggestions here and there ~in the "brown section" (left aligned) you use "brown is like chocolate" as a descriptor twice, and I'd cut one of them so it's not repetitive. I think the most poetic bits were the off-hand note that just said, "restrictive expectations" to correct "criteria" I just love the re-write there and the change in meaning from neutral-criteria to critical - restrictive expectations; and it puts a conflict in the poem right away, that the speaker is fighting against these expectations placed on them (which actually seems really odd that the teacher is writing that, when they're the one that put in the expectations?)I think my main qualm with the poem is I'm having a hard time understanding exactly why the teacher is so critical of the whole lab-report method if they assigned it? I think it'd be interesting to have a little bit more character building maybe in the first note you put in the "dear student" section to help us understand that a bit better. Another little suggestion, is you might consider using a bit more "i" voice in the piece. The poem feels very very brooding and internally reflective, but in not always a very concrete way -> the reflections are really interesting, but because it leans a bit philosophical rather than practical or concrete, I think adding some more "i" voice would help build in the connection a bit more. (Though I wonder if that was maybe purposeful to draw more attention to the sciencey external aspects of the poem)?Right now I think areas for possible improvement would be: * do you have three main messages going on, or one continuous message?* how do you keep the speaker and the speaker's motivation a bit clearer, especially the second-guessing motif?* are there areas where some of the extraneous commentary may be distracting rather than adding to the main message?Overall this poem is really incredible conceptually, and you've got some really wonderful poetic phrasings in there too! I'd love to see you try this type of form again! Please let me know if you had any questions about this review! And sorry that it took me half a million years to do!
I especially had trouble with the type-writer text and couldn't really figure out what the type reader text was coming from.
I think my main qualm with the poem is I'm having a hard time understanding exactly why the teacher is so critical of the whole lab-report method if they assigned it?
do you have three main messages going on, or one continuous message?
are there areas where some of the extraneous commentary may be distracting rather than adding to the main message?
Alice is stunned as well as confused about this poem .I really don't know what to write you have done a very hard job in writing this. Its really amazing. Keep writing this type of unique and weird works.IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE.I am not a very good reviewer but this is a masterpiece.You are AMAZINGBye! >3
Oh.My. God. This poem blew my mind. HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO CREATE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL- OSMWOSJEOENEIJDNEJE OHMYGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHAFTER READING THIS AND STAR'S REVIEW, MY BRAIN IS JUST EXPLODING WITH THE REALIZATION OF HOW WONDERFULLY CRAFTED THIS IS. Seriously, the hugest hats off to you for pulling this off, how this is so meticulously worded, all the details that have been hidden, but most importantly, the heartbreakingly beautiful message this poem conveys, easily makes this piece one of the best things I've stumbled on to in this site. Lots of well wishes to you, I hope you go a long, long way <3
whatcha <3 I've been eyeing this for awhile, and I finally decided to give a go at reviewing this. I have no clue how this is going to go xD but I'd still like to try! also, I didn't proofread this, so excuse any spelling errors cxOkay so first off, this is what-the-heck-awesome. If I remember correctly, you were designing this lab in a pad once, and I asked you about it? I think what's cool about that is you didn't set out to make a lab to turn it into poetry - you found poetry in something totally random, and I seriously admire that about you! This is an absolute masterpiece and omgg, it makes me so happy whenever I read it. I think I'm going to start with my overall interpretation of the piece and then talk about specific sections c:I, of course, have no idea the interpretation you had in mind when you wrote this, but I understood this piece as the "restrictive expectations" that society places on individuals. It's constantly trying to "contort" people into the way it likes it because it doesn't want you to "relax back into your natural position" - that's not the way society likes you, and therefore they'll even go as far as "taping you back into place" so you are their version of perfect. The "graph paper and a pencil" additional comments further supported my thought; by saying "each line must be precise, straight, and parallel + and perpendicular with the rest" it seems as if you're saying that each person (line) has to be exactly the way everyone else wants them to be. The "with the rest" part makes it seem like each person has to match up with every other person in society. You have to line up with everyone else and be precisely the way they want you to be.And the grey cursive text is the teacher/professor, right? So what I got from this is that the student has been overcome by expectations society has put on them and is going to let those expectations rule their live. But the professor is like "hey, no, you don't have to live by their rules. you're perfect just the way you are." and stuff like that, which I'd like to save my thoughts for when I get into specific sections :p OKAY so I hope my overall interpretation wasn't too far off from what you had in mind xD but even if it is, I guess that's the beauty of poetry ^^ on to some sections! c: so for the first part, I'm going to go Roman numeral by Roman numeral under "materials" and "additional comments."
i. a sunny day
the type where light and warmth bounce in waves and rays through the air - uncontainable
ii. five sheets of construction paper; white, red, green, blue, and blackbecause the tangle of colour must be controlled and unraveled into something sleek and tangible and comprehensible
If the page cannot stay how you've shaped contorted it, don't let it relax back into its natural position; tape the fibers into place
iv. five thermometers
so that the temperature can be forced into revealing itself
v. a stopwatchdesigned to impose behaviours and qualities upon time for the ease of consumption
force (something unwelcome or unfamiliar) to be accepted or put in place.
vi. graph paper and a pencil.
1.) Fold each piece of construction paper in half; if you create any unnecessary creases, discard the paper and try again with a fresh, seamless piece.
2.) Tape the paper shut so that it forms pockets, with only one end left open
for the frisky nitrogen atoms
All your thermometers should read the same temperature. (If they don't your thermometers are broken.)
because disagreement is evil and there's never more than one right answer.
5. Note: Mixing colours always leads to brown and brown is a messy, impure colour
Messy colours aren't bad.
6. 10 x 10= 100. The perfect number, a combination of lines and curves to base your self-wroth off of
Colours drift...in shoe boxes
but the page gives up...buried in a snowbank.
the page didn't ask you to touch it.
remember that if you drop water on a page of sharpie doodles, the markings will slowly ooze out into a rainbow of all colours.
"If the atmosphere...by its own poor choices.
Sometimes your potential...and no one can take it away.
The sun would give...you aren't to blame
OKAY so I hope my overall interpretation wasn't too far off from what you had in mind xD
"if we can't understand you, then there's something wrong with you. we hate what we can't understand, so we're going to mold you into something that everyone will be able to understand so you won't be causing any problems."
Okay so one thing I noticed is your use of the number five I may be reading into this too much, you may have needed five for the sake of the experiment haha.
I'm curious on your reason as to putting a period at the end of "graph paper and a pencil."
CAN I HAVE THIS TEACHER PLEASE HAHA
I'm curious on the choice of using red pen/font for those definitions.
On the top of the lab, you have [ ]/100 and I'm assuming that's the spot where the student will see their grade. How come the professor didn't fill out that spot?
WHATCHA THIS LAB POEM BLEW ME AWAY.
but I hope these interpretations help you anyway.
This is one piece that I will never be able to forget, ever.
Is...is this...poetry? Pretty certain this is a masterpiece novel right here
How am I supposed to review this? XD
buddy, in the most endearing sense, this is bonkers.
I have no clue how to review this.
117,154 Literary Works • 634,685 Reviews