So I've started writing a book...it's very a very slow process though, seeing as I'm working for some exams...but I thought I'd put the prologue up, just to see what you think of my style of writing. I'd love to finish it and publish one day, so...anyway, here it is:
“Music makes one feel so romantic – at least it always gets on one’s nerves – which is the same thing nowadays.”
Oscar Wilde.
Chapter One.
Sometimes, when it’s dark and cold inside and out, and I'm lying in bed on my own or next to someone whose name and face I can’t recall unless I turn over to look and ask them myself (this is generally the cue for them to leave), I think of you.
I think of how much I want to kick you for being such an idiot, and not understanding. And then I think of how much I miss you; how much I miss everybody; before I remember that I can’t talk to them because they’re gone, and I can’t talk to you because I can’t come back. If I came back I wouldn’t be able to leave again.
I lie there and I can hear the wind outside, hollow in the streets, and sometimes the car horns, or people pacing the roads, searching for some irrecoverable possession, partly forgotten and covered in dust, or a lonely bird cawing for its mate. Then I get up and I find a sheet of paper and a pen, and I write this down. I don’t show it to anyone because that’s not me. But I know where it is, I keep all those pieces of paper, and one day I might publish them.
I can trick myself for a few moments thinking this, then I open my eyes and know that won’t ever happen.
Some nights I imagine writing you a letter, but I can’t really do that. What would I say? It wouldn’t fit into any category, I couldn’t use a template – I’m not in love with you, I’m not apologising to you, I’m not wishing you a merry Christmas or happy birthday, or anything.
Sometimes I’m so bored it’s a relief.
And sometimes I’m scared out of my mind.
But I never think of you during the day, because that’s not me, then.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Thank you all for commenting! It's all really helpful, be as harsh as you like, I'm not bothered.
That Prologue/Chapter One thing - I have no idea why it came up as Chapter One, I must have had a kind of momentary lapse of concentration there! I know it does ramble a bit; that was kind of my intention with regard to the character, but maybe I went a bit overboard...thank you anyway!! I don't know when I'll post the next bit of this as it needs a LOT of tweaking, but I'm working on a short story at the minute; I have to have more than one thing on the go at any one time otherwise I want to kill myself every time I look at my writing.
Thanks!
I like this alot. As soon as I started reading this I felt a sort of...comfortable atmosphere. Your character seems deep, smart and interesting. It's hard to portray charaxters as you do - well at least it is for me - so kudos to you. PM when you get the next part up for this.
Hi! I'm Music- here to critique for you today.
Grammar:
Language Usage: Wonderful! I really liked it. It was the perfect mix of sophistication, quirky-ness, and awkwardness.
Imagery & Emotion: Well, it's written a bit differently. There's just enough imagery, and emotion isn't really necessary. I liked it, anyway!
You need to continue this, my darling! It was great!
Love,
Music
EDIT! Oh! I almost forgot! I wanted to suggest that you include some of the things she writes in your story. I think it would be nice- just an idea!
Hi,
)
I liked the bit about how asking for there name caused them to leave, it created the comfortable chatty writing tone and was funny.
I also think that mix of metaphor and chat works well, and to disagree once again with Lauren, i liked it when you seemed to ramble, i think it works with the style of writing.
It's hard to write stories about love, seemingly for want of a better word, without sounding a bit like a My chemical Romance Track, but i think you achieved it well.
Sorry for the lack of criticisms but i really did like this piece, though i agree that Chapter One and the Prologue are different things.
Any Questions Please PM me
(In a bit of shameless self promotion, i have just written a piece "The Echoes" and would love you to critique it, harsh as you like
Quibbons Quill
x
Hi, I'm Lauren! This looks good, so I'll give it a quick critique.
I don't know if there are any rules on this, but doesn't Chapter One usually come after the prologue? I don't think they're ever the same thing. Hmm, just being picky, I guess.
Started out really well but then it went off kilter considerably. If you read ti aloud I'll think you'll agree. For instance, "Sometimes, when it’s dark and cold inside and out, and I'm lying in bed on my own" was getting into a rhythm, but then you just bombarded us with a run-on sentence: "or next to someone whose name and face I can’t recall unless I turn over to look and ask them myself (this is generally the cue for them to leave)". If that part is very necessary, add it later. Split it up a bit. At the moment it seems you're bursting at the seams to get as much information down as quickly as possible, which I'm sure you'll agree isn't a good idea.
This is a bit iffy, structure-wise.
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All right. I really liked it. The heart and the feeling was there, unmissable. This was written from the heart, not from boredom--I can see that.
However, as is always the case, there is room for improvement. Run-on sentences and sometimes rambling, are not good. Vary your sentences more, and watch out for bad grammar.
Apart from that, a good read. Thanks.
Lauren