Divine Intervention: Chapter Two

by Sujana

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

March 31, 2016
Novel / Chapter: Spiritual, Supernatural
6 comments (6 reviews)

Adriel

“Just finish her off, Pax.”

“I know, I know,” Pax kneeled forward, at the woman before him, tying her ropes into a bow. Pax liked bows. He tied everything into bows. He tied his spaghetti into bows, his tied ties into bows, his victims intestines into bows, even his tail into bows. Humans had this idea that demons liked all things dark and dirty and horrid, but Pax didn’t think that was true. Pax liked light things. He liked butterflies and ice cream and milk and all sorts of bow ties. He just wasn’t a friend of God.

Adriel knew that. He also knew that Pax was horrible at killing people point blank. He was a worthy ally during the War, but that was mostly because he didn’t care if he was slaying angels or not—he just liked hearing the sound of swords clashing and arrows firing. He didn’t notice the bloodshed he had caused, the bodies he had accumulated. But when he didn’t have the noise and the clatter to distract him, it was hopeless. He couldn’t shoot his own foot.

He turned around, watching Pax sit by the poor woman’s form, looking on. The lady squirmed in her place, trying to push her ropes apart. Pax stared at the revolver in his hands, contemplating his responsibility to the Rebellion.

Adriel sighed. He jumped off of the ledge, snatching the revolver from his partners’ hands. “Get in contact with the Commander, I’ll handle this.”

The other demon nodded, obediently, walking up onto the ledge. Adriel took one last glance at the woman, aiming. She winced, tossing her head aside. Blonde hair cut short flooded his vision, the ends tied into a short cluster. He pressed at the trigger, but stopped for a second or two. He saw something other than a gifted preachers’ daughter, for some time—something other than a prophet, a target, an enemy. He saw an angel.

We’ll always have the stars.

He didn’t feel his finger pushing further, nor did he hear the deafening sound that followed.

Click. Bang. Silence. Adriel let go a breath he hadn’t taken, looking up at the sky. He could hear the corpse fall over in itself, leaving a loud thump on the concrete floor. He didn’t dare look down. He didn’t dare see his wretched creation, the pain and suffering he’d caused. The hair—the damned hair, it looked too much like his. Like—

“Anything out there, Pax?” He shouted, pushing the name out. The past is an angels’ virtue, a demons’ vice. He turned around. The stout, gluttonous demon opened his hands, receiving the crow that dropped into it. It squawked once, spewing venom from its beak. Pax untied the note it cradled in its feet, unrolling it.

“Another mediator.” He replied, turning around. “Chicago’s China Town. Lives in a medicine store, with two other people. White haired, coal eyes, doesn’t say anything about the age.”

“Name?” Adriel asked, marching up onto the ledge.

“Er…Ni…Nai…Nei…” Pax squinted at the words, commonly written in Gothic print. “Nei Li. It’s Chinese.”

Adriel chuckled. “Is it now? Rare. I thought most Chinese were Buddhist.”

“It says here that he is.”

“He’s a Mediator. He can’t talk to God if he doesn’t believe in Him.”

Pax shrugged. “Maybe he’ll change in the future.”

“Or perhaps the Highest Commander screwed up with his source.” Adriel looked out into the city, admiring the falling night, building lights brightening as it grows darker. “Again.”

“He’d be angry with us if we don’t follow, though,” Pax interjected, his tone slightly worried. “Don’t you think?”

Adriel folded his arms, and nodded. “We’ll check it out. If it’s true, we’ll finish him off.” He turned around, jumping off the ledge, searching his suit pockets for a pack of cigarettes. “Like we always do.”

There were no stars outshining human construction, that night.

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Points: 370
Reviews: 541

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Sun Feb 05, 2017 5:04 pm

Lauren2010 wrote a review...

Sacred! I sat down this morning to knock out my reviews for the week and thought to myself, what should I review? And I remembered I had more chapters of your story to review and got so excited. And it did not disappoint!

First things first (and lordie I hate nitpicks so much but I want to mention this cause the line itself is so fab):

He tied his spaghetti into bows, his tied ties into bows, his victims intestines into bows, even his tail into bows.

I am a BIG FAN of this kind of description and sentence structure. I'm a fool for lists. I'm especially a fool for lists that end unexpectedly, which you're so close to here. The item "his victims intestines into bows" is so creepy and specific and telling, however since it's buried in the list instead of at the end it loses some of its impact.

A good rule of thumb for ANY punchy line is to put it at the end of a paragraph. And the punchiest bit goes at the end of a sentence. So here, I would swap things around like:

"He tied his spaghetti into bows, his ties into bows, his victims intestines into bows."

I'm a bit wishy-washy on whether "his tail into bows" ought to go before "his victims intestines into bows" or be left out altogether. There's a certain rhythm at work with these three and my head can't wrap around sliding "his tail into bows" into that rhythm. But that's me! Maybe something else sounds better in your head. Anyway, if it were me I'd also end the paragraph at this sentence, and make the rest of the paragraph it's own paragraph. Wherever you put the punchiest part of a paragraph, everything that comes after it is dulled. Which is why you're supposed to always put the most important detail at the end of a paragraph ("supposed to" -- every rule can and should be broken when it makes sense). But I think you can also get away just fine with leaving the paragraph as it is. It's up to you!

Anyway, grammar/structure ramble over.

I was definitely not expecting to switch into another character's perspective, let alone a DEMON, but I am totally on board. You do a really solid job of keeping us in the same story by connecting us back into Nei Li, and by using this chapter with these characters as an opportunity to expand upon our understanding of Nei Li since it appears this whole story will circle around this strange old man. Kudos!

I don't really have any CRITIQUE of this chapter, because I think it's really solid as it stands within my understanding of the story (sometimes it's hard to comment on how well things function until you have the whole story laid out in front of you, so expect me to continue to return to earlier chapters as I review later chapters, and so forth

). I DO wonder, though, about the length you've chosen for your chapters.

These first two chapters, at least, have been short and snappy which is perfectly acceptable and fine! There are no rules on chapter length. I just want us to think about chapter arc, as well as story arc, for a moment. So, stories obviously have arcs to them (character, plot, etc! beginning, middle, end!) but something that took me ages to learn, even though in hindsight it seems quite obvious, is that chapters should also have arcs. Even when a chapter is one sustained scene, like this one, there should be a clear rising of action toward a mini-climax, and something to push us toward the next chapter.

Here, we've got a strong skeleton for that kind of arc. We meet two new characters who are in the process of doing something questionable to a young woman they have presumably captured. Stakes rise as it's revealed they have to kill her, and as we begin to learn a bit more about them they receive instructions to go after a character we've already met, Nei Li, who we learn they will attempt to kill (even though he doesn't match their usual target, which is ripe with great story tension). I think, though, there are a few places where this chapter could expand to fill out this arc and make it even stronger.

For example, I'm a little confused about what these demons are doing specifically (what's the purpose of it) and who they're doing it for. There's mention of a rebellion and a war. Are they a part of the rebellion? Who are they rebelling against? You can give us brief answers to questions like these that don't go into a long backstory if you're not ready to give away all that information. But understanding the stakes these demons are up against (what do they want, what do they have to do, what will happen to them if they don't get what they want or do what they've been instructed to do, etc) will really ramp up this chapter and draw readers even further into your story.

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter. Looking forward to reading more!

Keep writing!

--Lauren

Points: 25
Reviews: 472

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Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:26 pm

Lightsong wrote a review...

Hey, I'm here to review again! Let's get into this, shall we?

He tied his spaghetti into bows, his tied ties into bows, his victims intestines into bows, even his tail into bows.

This sentence doesn't flow quite well. I think a repetition is needed here to emphasize Pax's liking, and so, for each example, repeating 'he tied' would do it, especially for the tie one because I'm confused when I read it for the first time.

In another note, I like this Pax character already. It seems to me you have a knack of making interesting characters, and a demon who likes things that typically aren't associated with his kind is interesting. But of course, the fact that he's told to finish the woman just shows how much a demon he is.

Reading on, I like how you develop his character, how he is unconventional when killing, in a sense that there needs to be a certain conditions met before he kills someone. Adriel's observation shows that enough.

He couldn’t shoot his own foot.

He turned around, watching Pax sit by the poor woman’s form, looking on. The lady squirmed in her place, trying to push her ropes apart. Pax stared at the revolver in his hands, contemplating his responsibility to the Rebellion.

Some readers can be confused with the pronounce here. The second 'he' refers to Adriel, which should be replaced with the name itself, to not be confused with the first 'he', that refers to Pax.

He jumped off of the ledge, snatching the revolver from his partners’ hands.

This sentence doesn't read quite well to me. It seems Adriel jumps off of the ledge while snatching the revolver at the same time. 'jumped off of the ledge and snatched the revolver' would indicate he's making two actions chronologically.

Overall, I think this is another interesting read. More clues are laid out, we get demons and angels now, and said demons are targeting Nei Li. I hope he would be alright; it seems to me he's one of the main characters. I'm also intrigued by Pax's information that says Nei Li is a Buddhist. If so, the exchange Pax has with Adriel indicates, to me, that the alleged God is exclusive to one religion, and that Buddhism doesn't seem to be the involved religion. Hmm, this religion intrigue is fascinating.

There are questions I'd like to pursue by further reading. What's the War? The Rebellion? Adriel and Pax being in them? The Commander? The Mediator? I assume the woman is one of them, and that's why they kill her. Keep up the good job!

Points: 650
Reviews: 766

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Mon Apr 11, 2016 5:20 pm

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Brigadier wrote a review...

Hey there Ellstar. (I really apologize for my intro this time.) It's just lizzy dropping by real quick by jumping down from the stars aiming for a pit of lava in hell, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I would throw in some comments about grammar, spelling, and typos, but your chapter pretty much passed the test. Also because that is so not my division.

Spoiler! :

Okay let me resume my non fandom related review.

“I know, I know,” Pax kneeled forward, at the woman before him, tying her ropes into a bow. Pax liked bows. He tied everything into bows. He tied his spaghetti into bows, his tied ties into bows, his victims intestines into bows, even his tail into bows. Humans had this idea that demons liked all things dark and dirty and horrid, but Pax didn’t think that was true. Pax liked light things. He liked butterflies and ice cream and milk and all sorts of bow ties. He just wasn’t a friend of God.

1. Okay so Pax's bows are creepy while cute at the same time. I like your idea of the demon that's sort of nice and has come to grips with reality. Like I can not be completely evil but still kind of evil and still be a demon. But he is sure he will never be a friend of God which is understandable even if he was the nicest thing that ever existed. Who would want to socialize with those angels? Ugh.
2. At "victims" though you need an apostrophe. I think it would go after the "s" because he has done this to many of his victim.
3. Even though I hated Frozen I'm going to use it as a comparison. Pax sounds like the Olaf of the story almost because he doesn't quite fit into what is defined as a demon or a snowman. He sounds like the outcast(damn I can't think of a good example) that everyone is secretly cheering on. Like an underdog or something similar.
4. The last line was the perfect sentence to get somebody hooked on your story. Or maybe not, I just liked it very much. Then again I watch Supernatural a lot so my opinions of demons and angels are really skewed.

Adriel knew that. He also knew that Pax was horrible at killing people point blank. He was a worthy ally during the War, but that was mostly because he didn’t care if he was slaying angels or not—he just liked hearing the sound of swords clashing and arrows firing. He didn’t notice the bloodshed he had caused, the bodies he had accumulated. But when he didn’t have the noise and the clatter to distract him, it was hopeless. He couldn’t shoot his own foot.

1. I don't think that "horrible" flows quite right with the rest of that second sentence. It sounds better with something like "terrible". Horrible would be better for describing his emotions but terrible is better for describing his actions. Please inform me if any of that made sense.
2. Okay I have absolutely no idea what "the War" was but I'm guessing Heaven vs Hell. That's the only thing that makes any sense in the context a war is being used.
3. I am beginning to understand Pax even more as the story unravels. So good job on that. Now let's move this along before my hands get tired from so much typing.

He turned around, watching Pax sit by the poor woman’s form, looking on. The lady squirmed in her place, trying to push her ropes apart. Pax stared at the revolver in his hands, contemplating his responsibility to the Rebellion.

Adriel sighed. He jumped off of the ledge, snatching the revolver from his partners’ hands. “Get in contact with the Commander, I’ll handle this.”

1. Who is the Rebellion? Is there like a war within another war going on or something similar? Please explain, I need to know.
2. I both love and hate Adriel at this point but I don't know why.
3. Why the revolver? Were they trying to frame someone? Or do demons just like to use revolvers when they could murder people in so many other ways?

Adriel sighed. He jumped off of the ledge, snatching the revolver from his partners’ hands. “Get in contact with the Commander, I’ll handle this.”

1. This may explain my previous comments. I like the character because he knows of Pax's conflicts but then again he murders someone. So I'm conflicted.

The other demon nodded, obediently, walking up onto the ledge. Adriel took one last glance at the woman, aiming. She winced, tossing her head aside. Blonde hair cut short flooded his vision, the ends tied into a short cluster. He pressed at the trigger, but stopped for a second or two. He saw something other than a gifted preachers’ daughter, for some time—something other than a prophet, a target, an enemy. He saw an angel.

1. Okay now her death makes complete sense. They were killing a prophet so that they could prevent someone from out a particular future event or being able to decode something. That's stupid. They should have just burnt her eyes out but now I'm running into Supernatural territory. It's time for me to shut up.
2. That is one heck of a way to end the thoughts before your reader's eyes skip to the next line.

We’ll always have the stars.

He didn’t feel his finger pushing further, nor did he hear the deafening sound that followed.

1. So the angels have some special connection to the stars?

Click. Bang. Silence. Adriel let go a breath he hadn’t taken, looking up at the sky. He could hear the corpse fall over in itself, leaving a loud thump on the concrete floor. He didn’t dare look down. He didn’t dare see his wretched creation, the pain and suffering he’d caused. The hair—the damned hair, it looked too much like his. Like—

1. I think the first couple of words would look better in italics because you know they are the sounds of before, during, and after, a gunshot. Just my preference, decide for yourself.

The ending was great and I really don't have any comments besides that. Sorry if I couldn't have been more help to you but there wasn't that much to discuss. Well that's about all I have for this review.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
What message should I write at this point?

Sujana says...

To answer a couple of questions:

-Demons use revolvers because revolvers look cool. Also, Hell is on a deadline so they can't do anything extravagant like burning eyeballs out.

-The Rebellion is the less-mean-way-to-say Hell Folk. I mean, I'm sure most demons don't mind being called Hell Folk, but you know it stains the reputation a bit (if they even have a reputation anymore).

-Since when have you ever been conflicted about liking a murderer? I don't know about Supernatural, but I'm pretty sure Sherlock has killed at least one person. And don't you tell me you don't like Jim Moriarty, because I'll burn the heart out of you if you don't. A character can be an understanding murderer and still be interesting. I think.

Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

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Thu Apr 07, 2016 5:54 pm

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RubyRed wrote a review...

Hey it's me again, Ellstar. I have to say I was really excited about this chapter but when I finished it I wasn't at all interested at reading anymore. I know that might sound harsh but let me explain why that is. It didn't really match the first part. I was wondering where this came from it was almost like a completely different story to me.

“I know, I know,” Pax kneeled forward, at the woman before him, tying her ropes into a bow. Pax liked bows. He tied everything into bows. He tied his spaghetti into bows, his tied ties into bows, his victims intestines into bows, even his tail into bows. Humans had this idea that demons liked all things dark and dirty and horrid, but Pax didn’t think that was true. Pax liked light things. He liked butterflies and ice cream and milk and all sorts of bow ties. He just wasn’t a friend of God.

This is all just very disturbing. Demons are not lovely things so Pax wouldn't like anything that has to do with happiness and he'd find it very easy to kill off that girl. Also, "He just wasn't a friend of God." Is an understatement demons hate God.

We’ll always have the stars.

This doesn't fit in well. I'm sure why it's even in here.

I just think that this whole thing wasn't very believable--Except for demons trying to kill off Christians. But that they can't even do that by themselves. I just really think that this is a mystery to humans so it shouldn't try to be explained but I've heard many people writing about the spiritual world. Anyway, I just found this to be very disturbing and not at all realistic. I'd look these things up if I were you. Listen to stories about these things or read the Bible. It has information on demons and I assure you demons are not nice people at all. They're evil. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!

~Keepwriting

Sujana says...

Hello Keepwriting! I just wanted to say, while I appreciate your review, I didn't expect you to dislike the work for its content. If thats the case, then I suggest right now you should probably stop reading (unless you're into this sort of thing) because this is not a religious book--I'm not sure what it is, but its definitely aimed towards the more agnostic end of the literary spectrum as it takes certain liberties with its work. I find your advice very helpful and it gives me insight to what the average reader might be thinking, but from the looks of things you're probably not going to like the rest of the book if you dislike this chapter in particular. The angels and the demons will have very little moral difference.

I feel like I should explain myself as to why, so I will--I'm taking on the interpretation of fallen angels more than actual, monstrous demons. I don't think you can call it realistic, but to me all gods are non-realistic--it doesn't mean they can't submit to the rules of realism, but like some works are set in Italy with Italians speaking English, I think the suspnsion of disbelief should remain unbroken (until I eventually kill the first person) Chapter one and chapter two will eventually be connected in five or six more chapters, as we still have plenty of characters to get through.

Also, they aren't unting down Christians. They're hunting down prophets, seers, anyone close to God (this isn't only the Christian God we're talking about here). Nelly is by no means a Christian even in the broadest term.

Thank you for the review, you pointing out my grammar really helped,

--EM.

RubyRed says...

I'm glad I was helpful. I'm not trying to throw any shade your way. I'm just not into stuff like this.

Sujana says...

Ah, yes, I see. Nothing wrong with that, of course--I personally hate romance, despite others shoving it in my face, so I won't do the same to you. I'm sorry you didn't find it particularly enjoyable--I hope there is no animosity between us.

RubyRed says...

Of course not!

Points: 1503
Reviews: 16

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Sun Apr 03, 2016 6:16 am

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Lorelie wrote a review...

Heyo, Ellstar! Team Batman here for Review Day.

First I'd like to say how I'm pleased, for this is such a short chapter. I don't get it why it has not two reviews yet, even after I read the first chapter

As I said, I read the first chapter, and that was between the first and second read of this one here. It didn't help me to get sense for this one like I wanted, but it gave me a general idea of what you mean with this novel.

First off, I like how you tell your characters thoughts (italics is a good choice) and how you let it flow between the dialogue. All in all, it's well written, except for this

“Another mediator.” He replied, turning around.

I've been very focused on this (as I dealt with it on my novel various times), so I'm sure you're meant to put a comma in here. Now, you can choose whether to put it after the inverted commas (British variant) or before them (American variant). You cannot put a full stop, and that is because of the verb you're using.

In terms of spelling and grammar, I really enjoyed it. There's just a minor slip, as much as I could notice. I think it's worth mentioning, as these are really hard to find...

He tied his spaghetti into bows, his tied ties into bows

I think you mean [he's] here, as in he has tied ties. So, it's not the same you meant in his in the clause before.

On terms of plot, I'm all wondering here why you presented these two characters now, and how they will face against Nelly. It just seems so soon! But I hope you can maintain the suspense here for a bit more. This kind of two-side story usually makes me think twice, but choosing a smaller size is really good for keeping up with the story while switching between points of view.

He saw something other than a gifted preachers’ daughter

I've got a question for you. Who was the gifted one? Was the preacher gifted (e.g. he would be able to communicate with God), or was his daughter (e.g. she resembled an Angel to Adriel). I don't think that's a mistake, I just wanted to know what you meant here...

My favourite bit:

Pax shrugged. “Maybe he’ll change in the future.”

This was a bit hard to choose, but Pax looks adorable to me, and you've done a nice job making him look ridiculous

I've noticed you published both chapters on the same date. Was this thought to be made on a regular base, so we readers can choose to read just one side of the story if they wish? That would be interesting!

I hope to hear more from you, Ellstar. Please tag me somewhere when you publish your next one/two chapters.

Cheers!

~Lorelie

Points: 520
Reviews: 4

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Sat Apr 02, 2016 7:52 am

SD8 wrote a review...

I came here from your first chapter, and you have done it again! This chapter is a bit different from the first chapter, but that does not make it bad. It introduces the two characters, Pac and Adriel, which are the demons of this world. I am guessing from the previous chapter, that Nei Li can see angels and devils, and he has not been seeing his angel 'friends' in a long time.

I loved the unique names you gave to the devils, and unlike the first chapter this did not feel rushed, but rather finished early, like there needed to be more said.

I didn't understand the last phrase though,
"There were no stars outshining human construction, that night"
Plus, there was no need for the comma in front of construction.

In all,
9.5/10
-SD8

Sujana says...

You read /quickly/. Yeah, I'll definitely think about editing that last sentence.

Thanks for reading!

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Divine Intervention: Chapter Two

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