Please tell me if this is a prologue or a chapter. I'm not sure... PS. i know this totally not F.F. but it will be. It will totally be. 
one more thing this is revised
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Okay, so, over the course of your life you’ve probably wanted to get revenge on at least one person right? And maybe sometimes you want revenge for a petty thing, like forcing you to pick up the dog poop, or slide tackling you during soccer. Well, the reason why I want revenge on someone whom I’ve never met before is for kidnapping my twin sister.
This wasn’t just some little girl walking down an isolated street and disappearing into a van. No, we were sixteen and she was with me, home alone. It was a Monday night and we were watching Happy Gilmore. What in God's name would make this person come into our house, grab my sister--who was sitting right next to me--and leave? We told each other everything! She didn’t do anything wrong! And she wasn’t acting like she was hiding anything! It makes me so confused and angry just thinking about it!
It was actually astonishing that the star player on our school's field hockey team was so easily overpowered by the tiny woman that took her. Obviously the woman wasn't a tiny dwarf, but she was super thin. The woman who took her didn’t even try to mask herself. She walked in with bright pink stilettos and an outfit that looked like it came off a runway and just took Erin. I was too shocked to do anything. Oh, stupid, stupid me. You don’t know how many times I’ve beaten my self up over the fact that I just sat there, Adam Sandler laughing in the background. The most astonishing fact was that the woman who took Erin stood their made eye contact and said oh-so-causally,
“ Ya know, I'm not too sorry ‘bout this.” and then she walked out of the room and disappeared.
Yes that’s right. She’s not sorry about a home invasion and kidnapping. What an absolutely wicked, horrible…ugh! After what seemed like years, I sprang up and dashed for the phone, dialed the three magic numbers and the police came, and so did my weeping parents. For almost two days I was in shock. I couldn't believe something like that would happen. After that I got mad, furious actually. I wanted to rip that woman apart. How dare she come into my home and take my best friend my sister! So I started making a plan. If the police couldn't find my sister and that woman then I would. Sometimes I would dream that she would just come home saying it was a joke,or the police would find her. Well, that was a dream. Dreams and reality are two very different things.
Erin's kidnapping happened when I was sixteen. Now I'm eighteen and I'm ready to get revenge.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....this is an interesting start here. The style is immediately sticking out a little here, because even though we're diving straight into a bit of an info dump there with this person going on about what happened to them, it actually makes sense within the story because its clearly a bit of a rant in response to the emotion this person is having to deal with. It definitely gets your attention quite nicely. Let's see where this takes us.
Well that does seem like a rather unusual kidnapping there. Definitely raises a lot of questions for us as readers this one. I'm not entirely sure if that particular line quite works there because it seems to make the situation a bit more humorous than the effect you're going for with everything else. I think a little bit of a rephrase so the same idea is conveyed but with slightly less of a cartoony vibe should help fix that.
Okay...well that seems like an expected conclusion to a rant of that particular nature. I think you've done a pretty good job conveying it, and the whole nature of the rant remains nice and consistent which means you can get away with this more infodumpy style. So overall, a pretty solid piece, it definitely does well enough to get your attention I think. As for whether this feels like a prologue or a first chapter, I'd say definitely more of a chapter, or at the very least you don't want information this important in this particular style being chucked into a prologue people may not read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey! So, I'm going to review this. Maybe the other parts too, if you don't mind. This was a nice beginning, I liked it.
So, cotton got a lot of the grammar stuff, but I'll get some stuff she missed.
This sentence was kind of awkward, in my opinion. Try this: What in God's name would make this person come into our house, grab my sister--who was sitting right next to me--and leave? That's a really terrible example, but you get the point, I hope.
Hockey is spelled wrong. It should be "Hockey"
I'd re-word this. Obviously she wasn't a tiny dwarf, but she was super thin. Also, I wasn't sure if you were talking about Erin or the woman who took her.
This sentence sounds awkward. I'm going to leave it to you to re-word it.
OK, the ending kind of bothered me. At first, I thought that "Dreams and reality are two very different things" was the ending. I really think that would be a better ending, the last sentence kind of killed it for me. It was telling, not showing and it wasn't that "Wow!" ending I would like. Maybe you could state that she was eighteen in the beginning on the next chapter.
Overall, I like this and I'm going to check out the other parts.
I loved this.
This was great i liked how it is in first person now
and how you catch your characters personality in it.
This is captivatin and i would like to read much more.
How did you come up with this?
was life a motivation or maybe it was a idea you had.
I loved this.
This was great i liked how it is in first person now
and how you catch your characters personality in it.
This is captivatin and i would like to read much more.
How did you come up with this?
was life a motivation or maybe it was a idea you had.
Hey! After reading this, I'm not entirely sure if Fantasy Fiction is the best place for it, as it does not really seem to fit into this genre. However, if it does later on I take that back.
Anyway, to the review!
I liked your opening, but I don't think you need the second comma:
Maybe try: "Okay, so over the course of your life you've probably wanted to get revenge on at least one person, right?" (you also wrote "you" instead of "one", I think)
I think maybe "This wasn't just some little girl walking down an isolated street and some van took her."
Maybe swap these two, put the "She didn't do anything wrong!" before the "We told each other everything!"
You don't need a space after the speech marks before "Ya know" and "to" needs to be "too".
I felt that your last sentence sort of ruined the atmosphere/tone of your piece. It sounds (sorry if this sounds mean) a little more vulgar than your previous sentences, which were pretty good. Maybe try "What a wicked, horrible piece of work!" or something to that effect.
Again, your phrasing is a little odd. Suggestion: "How dare she? How dare she come into my home and take my sister, who was also my best friend!?"
Overall: captivating. Enthralling. Both very good adjectives. I loved it! Do write more, because I'm intrigued as to what your main character is going to do! And if she finds her sister! ~*X*~
PS I think this is more of a prologue