z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Mal (Ch. 1) (Teaser)

by Rosewood


It’s a hot, humid day- that’s clear enough. Sweat beads along the lines of my forehead and drips down the side of my face. Occasionally, a drop or two makes its way into my mouth; spreading its saltiness over my parched tongue. There’s not even a small breeze to cool me down, nor is there a cloud in the sky to offer me shade. I glance at my phone and see that the temperature reads 102°F. Yeah, there’s no doubt in my mind that this is a miserable day.

“Quit complaining.” Ezra chuckles, pulling me closer to his side.

“I never said anything,” I grumble, pushing him away, “And stay on your side, it’s too hot to be next to another warm-blooded human.”

He grins at my response but doesn’t come any closer. “Your face says it all. You’re miserable.”

“And?”

“And,” he starts, mimicking my tone, “She’ll be here soon, and you know she’ll want you to be excited she’s home.”

Our mother has been away for months, studying some rare lizard. Since dad had died years ago, we’d been stuck with our grandmother. She hadn’t known what we meant when we asked if she had an air conditioner.

“I’ll fake it when I see her car pulling up,” I say to appease him. He shakes his head but says nothing in response.

Ezra and I are four years apart, him being seventeen means I’m the baby thirteen-year-old of the family. He's short though, so people often think we're the same age, or at most, him being a year or two older. I particularly enjoy those moments.

“Has your mother come?” my grandmother asks, swinging open the screen door loudly.

“No Nana.” Ezra answers quickly, knowing that I would have a sharp edge in my tone.

“Oh, you kids have been out here for a while. Want to wait inside with me? I’ll make some iced tea.”

We look to each other, having a silent argument with our eyes. It’ll be slightly cooler inside. The only downfall is that Nana’s tea never turns out quite right, usually resulting in a stewed sock-like taste, and she expects us to drink every drop.

“No thanks,” I say as calmly as I can, “We’re good out here.”

By the look of relief on his face, I can tell Ezra agrees with me.

She nods at us. “Well, if she’s not here within the hour, I want you two to come inside and have whatever I don’t finish.”

We give her tight smiles, and eventually, she makes her way back inside.

I turn to Ezra and grit my teeth. “Can you find shade?”

He rubs his hand over my head. “Nah, you were the one who denied going inside. You find it.”

I push his hand away. “No human contact, remember? And I know you were thinking the same thing.”

“You caught me. But you still have to find the shade.”

I sigh, my brother is as stubborn as he is short. This will go on until one of us gives in. And I want shade.

I survey the mostly empty expanse. It’s mostly sand and dirt with a few scruffy bushes. Ezra and I learned the hard way that snakes like those bushes more than we do. I look to the side of the house where only a foot of shade is present, but it’s more than enough.

“There?” I suggest.

My brother shrugs. “Seems to be suitable.”

We drag our bags to the spot and wait. But something is off. Mom is an hour late, and she hates to be late. I check my phone, but there’s no messages.

“Ezra, why isn’t Mom here yet?”

His eyes wrinkle in confusion. “She should be here by now. I’m sure it’s fine though.” But by the set of his lips, he’s just as worried.

“I’ll call her.” I decide aloud. He shrugs indifferently as I punch in the numbers.

It rings once, twice, three times before she picks up.

“Hey Mom, just wondering why-” A harsh crackle cuts me off. I pause and listen, and my mother’s voice rings out. It’s loud enough that Ezra can hear her panicked voice.

“Harriet, is Ezra there?”

“Yeah,” I answer, “What’s wr-“

“Ezra.” She cuts me off entirely.

His attention is sufficiently grabbed, and he takes the phone from my hand without motivation.

“Yeah Mom?”

“Ezra, get you and Harriet somewhere safe.”

“Did the lizards turn out to be evil?” I mutter to myself, not totally joking.

“Harriet,” she growls, “Get her somewhere safe. They figured it out, you're not-” The line is cut.

I look to my brother, my face incredulous. He doesn’t look at me, but instead, seems to be hyperventilating. He has asthma, and that’s definitely not good for him.

“Do you need me to get your inhaler from your bag?” I offer. “Then, we can call her back.”

He ignores me and hastily looks to the road where a cloud of dust is being kicked up by a car. His breathing slows and he stiffens. I can’t get a good look at it, but I smile in relief.

“Mom was just messing with us. Look, here she comes.”

“That’s not her.”

I squint and see that, indeed, it’s not her car. Her clunky, old, grey van looks nothing like this sleek black thing.

Ezra shoots up, his back stiffened, and somehow, seems a lot older in his posture and a lot younger in his fear.

“Ezra, what’s going on?” I start to realize he’s gotten a lot more information from her call than I did.

“We have to go.”

“What do you mean?”

The car stops and the dust cloud settles. Ezra is shaking.

“Run Harriet.”

Two men, with black masks pulled over their face, step out of their car. Their eyes are set on us, their intent clear.

I’m frozen in my spot, but Ezra isn’t. He grips my shoulders and forcefully shoves me away. “Run!”

The men start at us, picking up speed quickly. Ezra’s eyes are wide and his hands shake. Ironically, his feet can’t seem to move.

The men reach us and grab him by his shoulders roughly. His arm stretches around Ezra’s mouth, effectively gagging him. The other reaches for me, but I can move again. I dodge his grip and start sprinting in the opposite way. I can’t see his face, but Ezra must be scared out if his wits and hoping I get away. He’s never been much of a fighter and that man knows what he’s doing.

The man trailing me is called back, and I hear his feet die in pursuit.

“Let her go, she’s not the one we’re looking for.”

All I can hear is my quivering breath, my heartbeat pounding in my ears, and the muffled sounds of my brother’s screams as he’s shoved into the car.


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105 Reviews


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Sat Oct 03, 2020 1:45 pm
momonster says...



I love this! Please post the next chapter soon!




Rosewood says...


Ah, I see you hadn't known I posted about this. I don't think I will continue the book on this platform. At least, not in the foreseeable future. Sorry about that!



momonster says...


oh ok!



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Thu Aug 06, 2020 7:42 pm
VioletFantasy says...



This was amazing! I can’t wait for the next chapter!!




Rosewood says...


Thanks!



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Thu Aug 06, 2020 7:28 pm
Cici wrote a review...



Hi, Rosewood!

I liked this chapter a lot, a lot! It was super interesting, and it covers everything I could ask for in the first chapter. The descriptions set the scene, and there's plenty of details on the characters and character backgrounds. I'm invested in this story and want to find out what happens next.

There's one thing I want to mention.

He was short though, so people often thought we were the same age, or at most, he was a year older. I particularly enjoy those moments.

So, this is fine on its own, but later you note that the brother is "as stubborn as he is short," which means he's still short. That might be something you want to change the tense of.

Just wondering, it's hot and they're outside in the heat without a fan or an umbrella or a hat? If it were me, I would be fanning myself with two fans and wearing an enormous sunhat. I guess they weren't prepared for the heat (?). Though, I am a bit confused. Why are they waiting outside? What were they doing with their bags? Were they going to leave with their mother? The bags sort of just appeared for me. I guess it makes sense that now their mother is coming to pick them up, but that took some time for me to get.

I’m frozen in my spot, but Ezra isn’t.

I feel like this is supposed to be a somewhat intense scene and just the sentence "I'm frozen in my spot" falls sort of flat for me. Like why is she frozen, I guess? There doesn't need to be a ton of description but just a line with something like "my mind stops operating and I can't think" will do. Like, it is hot outside, so thinking and moving around is hard.

I dodge his grip and start sprinting in the opposite way.


Only something to think about: you could write about running in sand (or dirt) and how she kicks it into to her shoes.

In general, I'd think some descriptions and details could add depth to scenes but what you have is fine! It definitely gets the image across and makes whatever happening clear. Also, the grandmother just lets this all happen? I get that she is inside, but it might be funny (or not) to have her pop her head outside.

So, that's all the feedback I have to offer. There's not much criticism because I really liked it and couldn't really ask for more. I do prefer straightforward language sometimes. The last line also ended the chapter perfectly, I have to say! I'm super interested in your story, and I can't wait to see what happens next!

Cici




Rosewood says...


Thank you for your feedback! I originally had this in past tense, so there's a lot of mistakes in that area. As for the details when the car showed up, I did mean for it to be vague. I think I read somewhere that when writing something where the character is fearful or under pressure, they don't notice many of the small details. Other than that, I see your point. Again, than you for your review, and I'll be sure to fix my mistakes!



Cici says...


You're welcome! : )



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Thu Aug 06, 2020 6:24 pm
Lezuli wrote a review...



Hello! Time for a review.
Let me start out by saying that this was an impressive story. I got sucked right in. The charectors were well-written and their personalities came across nicely. I especially liked Harriet's sarcastic personailty. It makes it a fun read.
To my eyes, there wasn't a lot wrong with it, just some minor, easily fixable things.
#1: 'Ezra chuckles, pulling closer to his side.' I think you dropped a word there. I assume you meant something along the lines of 'pulling me closer to his side'.
#2: 'She hadn’t known what we meant if we asked if she had an air conditioner.' This sentence doesn't work because 'hadn't known' means that they did ask her and 'if we asked' meant that they hadn't. So simply fix that problematic 'if' to a 'when' and you'll be good.
#3: 'my grandmother asked'. The story is written in present tense, so it should be asks.
And finally-#4: 'She nods us. “Well, if she’s not here'. Dropped a word again, I assume you meant 'she nods at us'.
And that's all I got. Like I said, nothing major. Hope this helped you!




Rosewood says...


Thanks! I fixed the mistakes.




huh. didn't realize santa was a batman fan-
— Mageheart