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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Blood Sisters (Ch. 1) Alice

by Rosewood


Day One

I wake up, tangled in threadbare sheets, rubbing my sore head. My fingernails, caked with dried blood, catch my attention. They're not usually long enough to catch any. I'm getting careless.

Somehow, despite the throbbing headache I have, I remember that I planned to shower this morning. I peel off my sticky underclothes leave them on the floor while I crank the rusty dial over the tub. There's a sputtering and somewhat translucent water begins to spray out. I wait, shuddering, for the temperature to rise. When it's ready, I forget my sore muscles and slip in, sinking into the cloudiness.

“Alice! Did you seriously forget to mention you ruined your dress again?” My older brother pounds his fist on the door, yelling through the thick oak wood.

My head throbs. I sink deeper.

“Don't ignore me right now! I keep scrubbing it with straight bleach, but it's hardly made a dent. You know we can't get you another.”

I grit my teeth. So what if I spill a little blood? The whole "angel in white" routine is so stupid. If someone sees a girl in her deadbeat mom's old wedding dress soaked with blood. they're more likely to pay attention than think it's some ghost. Another wave of pain pushes against my skull.

"God Harold, just shut up."

There's a moment of silence before my brother speaks again.

"You're getting sloppier. I can't keep cleaning up your messes."

He sounds calmer but I'm still annoyed. "Isn't that your job?"

I hear him sigh and his footsteps as he walks away. A moment bought of peace.

My brother, Harold, has always been like this, nagging on my every move. I know he wishes he didn't have to deal with me, maybe go off to college like a normal guy his age. But every single thing I do is for this excuse of a family and I wish he would cut me slack sometimes.

I hear the downstairs front door squeak loudly. Peeking over the edge of the tup, I pull the curtain back a little to see Harold storming out to his truck. He's going to listen to old CDs probably. Good. I need the space.

With him gone, I don't really care to prune up for longer than usual. I finish up and towel dry, dressing in a simple shirt and jeans. I remember how last night the chill had through my dress and choose to layer a jacket on top. In our dusty mirror, I easily finger-comb my hair. I spy the empty pain medication on the desser and sigh. I'll just have to deal.

Harold won't come inside for awhile and I don’t think he’s collected last night’s payment, so I decide to take a walk outside. It's technically his job but it's better to not let it sit out there for too long. I tug on the old shoes by the back door and slip out.

Jose left the other half of the money halfway into the woods, buried under an old forgotten wheel. It’s not too far from here so I can make it pretty quickly through shortcuts. I usually use the shortcuts because I tend to get curious looks walking around. The word on the street is that I'm funny in the head. The whole "homeschooled" charade really helps, with its explanation why my family doesn't go out. That is, when I actually had a real family to go out with.

I snag an apple from a random tree, realizing how hungry I am. It crunches deliciously as I walk through a patch of oak trees. The cool air and scattered reds and oranges of the fallen leaves are rather pretty. The farther I sneak out of the public eye, the prettier it is. The paths out here aren’t worn, but I maneuver through the thorn bushes and cobwebs alright. I know this part well.

I’m nearing the hidden spot when I realize that the wheel is gone. A confused panic rushes through me. Had I been slighted? I couldn't have been, Harold had called to confirm the cash's location just before.

The sound of a person trying to soundlessly make their way through the leaves catches my attention. I narrow my eyes. Had Jose been in touch with a partner I never knew about?

“Don’t turn around.”

It’s the fearful squeak of a warning that relaxes me. Alone and without a weapon, I’d probably have no chance against an adult male. But a girl, by the sound of the voice, would be an easy match.

"Says who?"

“Are you here for the money?" the girl asks, ignoring me. "I found it first!”

I keep my voice light. “If you knew what I done to get that money, you wouldn’t be so quick to claim it.”

The girl pauses, trying to understand my words. Trying to decipher whether or not I’m telling the truth.

“What do you mean?” she asks at last.

I ignore her question. "Can I turn around now?"

She considers her next words for a moment.  "In a minute. What did you do to get this money? How do I know it's actually yours?"

"The envelope. It has $4,000 in it."

There's a moment of no response.

"Oh."

I can't hold my laugh. When she speaks again, it's still hilariously serious.

“Let’s say… I split the money with you.”

I laugh again. “Split?”

“Yes. I found it first, I should get half.”

I pause to muse over the idea. Half of Jose’s payment will be enough to keep Harold and I from being hungry for awhile, and if necessary, he’ll find me more work. This girl is actually sort of funny and I don't think I want to leave yet anyways. What’s the harm? Worse comes to worse, I can always kill her. The thought was meant to be sarcastic but it creates a lump in my throat for some reason.

“Alright, sure,” I drop my hand over my shoulder, palm up, “Don't shortchange me.”

After a moment of what I assume to be her counting the bills, I feel a light stack of paper money being set in my hand. I fan it in front of me, checking its legitimacy. When I'm satisfied, I turn around to face the bargainer.

As expected, it's a girl. She's naturally pale from the looks of it, with her farmer's tan easily visible from her sleeveless top and overalls. She's covered completely in freckles. And a long twisted mane of red hair peeks out from under a baseball cap. I stare into her wary and reproachful eyes, admiring them. They're almost silver in this lighting.

She stares back at me, her eyes never settling on one spot. Is she looking at my skin, seeing that the summer tan is already fading? Does she notice the mop of my coal-colored hair is sloppily cut from a time I couldn't hold my anger with it? I watch her peer into my steely eyes, assessing them. Suddenly, I realize that her expression is that of recognition. Certainly, I don’t recognize her.

She straightens up and stiffens in that position. “I know you from somewhere," she says, confirming my suspicion.

“I’m sure you do. Crazy homeschooled girl, right?” It's just to put her at ease but I'm setting myself up for a comment about my absence from any school in the area.

"Sure," she says, not really buying it. She's guarding her expression so I match her blank look. The pause goes on too long.

“Well, what’s your name?”

“Rory.”

I do a double take. “Your name is Rory? What's the story?”

“I’d prefer to hear you tell your story.”

I narrow my eyes. "Are you referring to the money?"

“Yeah. It's really eating at me, how you knew where so much was.”

I don't know why she's so compelling. And I don't know why I say what I do.

“What would you say if I said I killed someone? Many people actually?”

Her expression remains stony. “I would say you’re lying.”

I can feel my stomach sinking but she has no reason to believe me. Clearly, she doesn't. But stupidly, I continue to push. "Why’s that?”

“It isn't believable whatsoever.”

“It isn't. That’s what makes me good at it.”

She adjusts her cap, pulling free a few wavy strands of that brilliant hair. She think I'm joking still, which I suppose is a good thing.

“How old are you?” Her question catches me off guard.

“Seventeen. How old do I look to you?”

“Older. You don’t look so innocent, I guess.”

“How old are you?”

“Seventeen too. Technically. I'll be eighteen in a week. I was sure you were much older than me.”

"Agreed."

She pauses, choosing her next words carefully. "Homeschooled huh? So, are you actually crazy?"

"Aren't we all?"

She narrows her eyes but her mouth creases into a smile. "If you say so."

"Hear me out. You have dreams, right?"

"What kind of dreams?"

"Ambitions, goals, plans. Those kinds of dreams.  Everything we do is all tied up in the universe. I think anyone who really relies on their dreams are crazy. It's all up to luck man."

She rolls her eyes. "Damn, you really are crazy."

I open my mouth to reply, but something stops me. There was the snap of wood. Heavy, as that of a human's. It's far enough away that I have to strain my ears for it again. Signaling Rory to be quiet, I point in the direction of a figure moving soundlessly over the dry leaves. Someone I know too well.

"Hide!" The words, similar to a hiss, is spat from my mouth. Rory's concerned but she obeys, slipping behind a tree. She waits to see what I'll do next.

I start to hum, quickly continuing the previous noise. I let the lyrics to one of the songs from Harold's recently played CD fill the area. I want to look to Rory, but I force myself to keep my gaze fixate away.

"Alice?" The figure becomes clearer, revealing itself to be my brother. "I told you to leave the collection to me."

"You hadn't done it."

He grimaces and for a moments looks as if he wants to continue the diatribe but changes the topic instead. "You need to keep it down in public. Your singing draws too much attention,"

"Go home, " I sigh, "you can yell at me later."

"Don't forget to put the wheel back, don't want the hunters to grow suspicious." He glares at me one last time, then turns homeward. I watch him leave as he disappears amongst the autumn foliage. Despite his size, I have to give him credit, he's remarkably soundless.

"You do kill people, don't you?"

Rory's voice surprises me, and I'm momentarily stunned. She's kidding I think. I smile, playing along. "What can I say? I'm crazy."


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Thu Sep 02, 2021 2:11 pm
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RealSadhours296 wrote a review...



I discovered some of your more recent chapters, so I read this and the prologue. I'm very interested in this story so far!

I love Alice. Despite her age, she's very analytical and cold. I like how she embraces the town's thoughts of herself, of her being "delusional." She's the cool, suave assassin that gets things done. I love her brother Harold too. I have a soft-spot for hot-heads.

I haven't seen much of Rory yet, so I'm still waiting to read more about her before I form a judgement. So far though she seems kind of reckless based on her actions.

One thing I feel could be improved is that I felt that Alice going from her home to the tree went a bit too quickly? I don't know how you would fix it. Maybe some more descriptions of the town before she reaches the tree?

Keep up the good work!




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Fri Aug 13, 2021 8:29 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyyyy! Forever here with a review!

Seems like it's been an epoch since I read the last chapter. Anyway, let's get right into it.

Seems like she really killed Jose and has taken her money. I reallt like the concept how a child or rather a teenaged is doing murders for simply food for herself and also his elder brother, Harold. Talking about the relationship between the two, it kind of seems like a bitter-sweet relationship. They both need each other and they know it very well. Still, they are unwilling to accept the fact and mocks, teases and even curses one another.

Something which I wonder about is why she can't get out of the house. Is the police in search for her? Seems so. If so, she is in hella danger and if somehow the police get her, then their life is completely ruined. Judging from the point, Harold is quite right to tell her not to go outside. However if we see from Alice's situation, it's quite annoying and tough to be locked within four walls all the time. Ah this corona has taught that to us. Anyway, that evokes a lot of sympathy and kindness for both of the characters.

Here in this chapter, delusion plays a great role, I think. Alice has some strange habits and that is not bad, I think. Now what makes me wonder is her mental condition. People think she has some mental disorder and now I have no opinion about that. But why murder? She is not a bad girl, as it seems if you judge from her other behaviours. She could just take up other professions. Idk, makes me wonder about it.

Talking about Rory, she is a typical representative of normal people, I guess. She seems not to believe in Alice's talk of murders. This is what normal people would do... However, seems like at the end, she is quite convinced that Alice actually do all the things.

Just lemme know if my review was of any help.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




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Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:46 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Rosewood,

Mailice back with another review! :D

I'm beginning to see the relationships between the characters and it's becoming a lot easier to understand. A plus point that I appreciate right away is how you slowed down the pace here to give the reader a better idea of the characters. In any case, I liked how you didn't overdo the style of the prologue, because the reader will want the questions answered at some point.

I liked the way you made an effort to include the relationships in the plot, so that the story doesn't pause. I like Alice, how you introduced her and how she sees herself and how she deals with Harold.

In general, I found the chapter to be a good balance to the prologue and that you continue to maintain curiosity here, but give the reader the first necessary information to show more about the characters. The only thing I found was that in the conversation between Rory and Alice, you could insert who is speaking a little more often. I found it a bit confusing after a while because they are kind of similar in language.

Two points that stood out to me:

When it's ready, I forget my sore muscles and sigh, sinking into the cloudy water.

"Alice! Alice, are you in there?" My older brother pounds his fist on the door, yelling through the thick oak wood.


Your transition is a little too easy here, because it comes as if Alice had only been in the bathroom for a minute when her brother suddenly knocks. Maybe describe here what soaps / oils she uses and how she brings her thoughts towards optimism before the brother knocks.

And I guess, in a way, they're right.

Harold isn't back yet, and I don't think he's collected last night's payment,


Again, your transition is a little too quick and created without a proper "transition". I think you could add something here to transition from Alice to Harold. Again, it might help to make something she's doing, speaks she's getting dressed, and a button or something falls off of something.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:17 pm
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momonster wrote a review...



Momo, here to review this wonderful work! Note: if you disagree with anything in this review, ignore it please c:

I really like it! The suspense, the air of mystery, the cliffhangers, I just love it! There were just a few things I wanted to point out, so let’s get started!

“I’m so dreadfully sorry ‘bout that!” I cry, my energy renewed. ”While you’re at it, can you pick up my headache medication?”

Whoa, talk about sassy. I think it would sound better if you said, “about,” instead of “ ‘bout.”

Even from the inside of the tub, I can hear him grit his teeth. “You stubborn, pig-headed, little girl… you’ll never admit you need me.”

No comma is needed after pig-headed.

Jose left the other half halfway into the woods, buried under an old forgotten wheel.

The repetitiveness of “half” and “halfway” seems weird to me. Maybe say part instead of half?

I casually stroll down the road, hoping fences and avoiding the eyes of passersby.

I think you mean hopping, not hoping?

I keep my voice light. “If you knew what I done to get that money, you wouldn’t be so quick to claim it.”

Write I’ve instead of I in this case.

That’s all! I really loved this, and I can’t wait to read the next chapter! Keep writing, and have a happy RevMo!
Momo
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Rosewood says...


Thank you for the feedback!



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Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:37 am
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ThePatchworkPilgrims wrote a review...



Good day Rosewood!
We were just taking a pilgrimage through the Green room, and then we saw you posted the first chapter to that prologue of yours we reviewed, so we thought we might as well drop a review on this too :) You know our usual method by now most likely, so no need to elaborate on it again methinks ;-)

Anyway, on to the review.

despite the throbbing headache I have,


You already establish that she has a sore head two sentences earlier. Saying she has a headache again is redundant (you just have to remove to verb phrase part, the rest is fine if you wish to keep it)

I peel off my sticky underclothes and and wait to step into the steamy bath I am preparing.


First, here's a double "and", so we'd suggest removing one. Second, as you can see, you have two "main verb phrases" in this sentence (the two verbs in bold), which makes this sentence feel like two separate actions (basically, it makes it feel like her peeling off her underclothes has nothing to do with the bath she's waiting for). By changing either to a participle, you can lead your reader to focus on one of the actions, and give greater structure to the sentence; do you want her peeling off her underclothes to be the main focus of the sentence, or her waiting for a bath? (We'd strongly suggest the latter one)
Doing this will also make the underlined phrase unnecessary, since it's implied that she's waiting for a bath she herself is preparing, since we have not yet been introduced to another character who might have prepared a bath.

I forget my sore muscles and sigh, sinking into the cloudy water.


Similar to the sentence before, here we have confusing focus of main/subordinate verbs. We'd suggest that again, one of the boldened verbs be changed into a participle (so either: "Forgetting about my sore muscles I sigh", or "Sighing, I forget about my sore muscles") This, again, gives your reader a single main verb in this phrase to focus on, and removes an "and" which isn't necessarily needed.
The underlined participle here (sinking) can, however, be changed into a main verb following an "and", which will make this sentence feel more like it's progressing rather than suspended in time.

Harold is short tempered, and therefore, had no class


As mentioned by Tuckster, this is a case of telling, not showing. Rather than describing to your audience Harold's actions and letting those suggest his short temperedness/classlessness, you are telling it to us, meaning we just have to take your word for it without forming our own image of a character in our head.
If you choose to keep this sentence, though, you have a conflict of tenses here. It should either be "was.... had" or "is.... has". At the moment it's both, which doesn't work.

While I'm stuck with my position,


People get stuck "in" positions/situations/circumstances, not "with".

hoping fences


We think you're missing a p in hopping.

I snag an apple from a tree, realizing how hungry I am,


Sentence order is reversed here. Unless she only realized she was hungry after picking the apple (why? Probably just 'cause then, but then you should mention she picked it for no real reason), the "realizing how hungry I am" phrase should be before the "I snag an apple" phrase.

when I realize that the wheel is gone.


"Notice/see/etc", basically a physical observation verb rather than mental (realize) would work better in this context.

Always lesson your targets’ fears


"Lessen", not "lesson".

Now, we kind of combined grammar, syntax and vocabulary today, so we could get to interpretation/plot.

Though it was interesting to see the cold and calculated killer from the prologue a bit more "human" this chapter, several points of dialogue felt too human. The reason why sentences like "hi, how are you?" Or "it's nice to meet you", etc don't often feature in novels is because they're 1) bland, 2) warrant a repetitive reply ("I'm fine. How are you?"/"nice to meet you too") and 3) don't do one of the three "big" reasons for dialogue (further the plot, build the character, or expand the world)

Several accounts of the dialogue in this chapter, however, fall into the "everyday speak", and thus make the dialogue feel flat and repetitive (in a few instances we actually have characters literally repeat things the other person just said in the paragraph before)

That doesn't mean that you have to remove those lines of dialogue though, merely change it up to not feel as bland and build the world/character/plot (even for "npcs" we'll never meet again. If you make them have a personality in their dialogue/actions, it will help the world feel more alive as a result)

Yes, I’m in here.” I moan back, exhausted. Why must he always bother me when I’m tired?


Using this sentence as an example: Your audience already knows Alice is in the bathroom. By just having her say "yes, I'm in here" adds nothing to her as a character or to the setting. You could instead have taken that second sentence (why must he always bother me...) and used it as her answer. Something like:

"Why do you always bother me when I'm resting?!" She replied, exhausted.


It's just an example, but it 1) still has her answering her brother and 2) shows your reader that this is a frequent thing that happens/that Alice doesn't really get rest around her brother. The same can be applied to other dialogue (like where Rory and Alice meet, asking about names/age. Perfect opportunity to show some personality. Like maybe one of them is apprehensive of sharing their name/age with a stranger in the woods, etc)

This brings us to setting. Since you didn't use your prologue to lay the foundation of the world (which is perfectly fine), you should really start laying this foundation in the first chapter. So far all your audience knows about the situation that Alice is "stuck in" is that she and her brother are (presumably) alone, have an oak door into their bathroom, own a cracked mirror, and live near a forest.
We're also told the town is rough done by, but we get no descriptions of this poverty/struggle of the town when Alice is walking through the town to pick up the money. Adding some descriptors of either her and her brother's home or of the town will both enhance the reading experience for your audience, but make some of the character motivations/actions more understandable. Since at the moment we have more descriptions of the woods where the money was stashed than of either of the other things (which would've been fine if the story was set in the woods, but we don't think it is going to be)

All in all, this chapter both helped and detrimented the expansion of the story from the prologue. Going past the (few) grammatical/syntactical/vocabular errors to the plot, you both gave a different side of the killer girl we met in the prologue, but also didn't use all the opportunities available to you to build the world/characters even further.

Seeing as this is the second review we give to this novel in two days, you might as well tag us whenever you publish the next chapter. We wouldn't be satisfied knowing we stopped being invested in a novel after two chapters ;-)

Safe travels, and until we meet again on either side of the reviewing quill,
The Patchwork Pilgrims




Rosewood says...


Thank you for the feedback!



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Sun Sep 20, 2020 9:15 am
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rida wrote a review...



Hi rosewood! I’m here to give a review, I don’t like to point out grammar mistakes, and I’m sure other people have already given the grammar mistakes, but I read the second part of the blood sisters too, and this one is as good as the second one, the way it’s written, and showing that such a small girl is doing these things just to get money for food. So, it’s a really nice story :)




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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Rosewood! Tuck stopping by for a review tonight.

Harold is short tempered, and therefore, had no class.
Saying "Harold is short-tempered" is an example of showing rather than telling. The reader can already infer this about Harold, so I would cut at least the beginning of the sentence.

Overall, however, I enjoyed the way the originality of the story. There were many small details that differed from other stories I've read before, and I also enjoyed the feeling of mystery that seemed to hang over this story. I'm left with a healthy amount of questions about a few small details that you slipped in this chapter, which means you've done a good job of drawing me into your narrative, so I commend you on that.

However, one area that didn't engage me quite as much is the dialogue you had between Rory and Alice. While the premise of a relationship beginning between two people who seem to have diametrically opposed views and goals was certainly intriguing, the dialogue itself was somewhat dry. It was a lot of simplistic back-and-forth between both of the characters, and I found myself tempted to skim that section. I'd like to refer you to this article from YWS' own Knowledge Base that may offer you some helpful tips on looking beyond the surface of dialogue.

Secondly, I felt that this chapter was a bit too fast-paced for my liking. Since you begin the story in a relatively innocuous way, I think you have time to explore a bit more of Alice's personal life through some more description. I have a very weak mental image of Alice's house, and therefore less of an idea of her situation and her as a character. While it's not necessary to write a full paragraph on the paint scheme of her house and how it complements the architectural style, it would be nice to take your time and establish the situation beyond what you've done here.

Overall, this was a well-written first chapter that hooked me because of the strange and mysterious details that you included throughout. Your characters are well-written and engaging, and you seem to have a firm plot developed. Two areas I'd like to see you improve are your long back-and-forth between Rory and Alice and the pacing/description. Nonetheless, this was a well-written first chapter with the bones of an exciting and engaging story! You did excellently on this, and I hope to read more from you in the future!

Best,
Tuck




Rosewood says...


Thank you for the feedback!




That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend