Hey Rosey~ I'm back! Back again!
Let's start off with the good stuff this time! Because there's a lot of it in this part (and the next) and I really love what you're doing with this.
Just a really good show of Kerani's character, I think. She's bold and doesn't like people telling her what to do and she's fed up with her father, and this does a good job of showing her as determined to do her job right -- and him getting in the way.. His paranoia was making me want to burst through his office door and lecture
him for a change. If it had been a direct attack on him, he would spare nothing to make sure I could stop it.
The whole part about the garükh yunu is just plain good writing <3 Obviously it can be difficult to write about things like PTSD, especially if you're coding them PTSD and don't have the modern language to lean on when explaining things to readers. But I think you get it across really well what garükh yunu is as well as how it interacts with the rest of Kerani's world and her life. It also doesn't read like a trauma that's just been slapped on her for the sake of a traumatic backstory -- it has purpose to her life and her character.
I love how you tie in Kerani's clothing choices to her status -- I mean, I love her clothing description in general.I hardly wore jewellery except for a tiered necklace and a jeweled dagger. I had only gotten the barest amount of henna done on my hands. I looked more like a guard bride than the Crown Princess’ younger sister. I wanted to remind people they could not remove my former life so easily.
Actually, all the descriptions of the clothing are absolutely wonderful. I love Kerani's clothes and Jalil's and Nitika's and I want like, a book of illustrations of all the clothing in this because I'm sure the everyday clothing is just as impressive as the special-occasion wear -- I want to see all of it (though obviously there's situations where that's not practical lol).
That Kerani was blessed under Sandhin! Obviously we've been informed in the last couple chapters that she leans away from the traditional identity of women in her world, and that she's frustrated being third-gender isn't exactly open to her as an option because of her social status. I'm really digging it honestly, for obvious reasons and just plain because it's so cool to read third-gender protagonists <3
I'll move on now to some of the grammar and style stuff!
This paragraph feels a little sparse to me. I think it could be split into three paragraphs with another sentence or two -- the first, on how Kerani doesn't train her servants; the second, on how the good servants were reserved for the scientists to work as lab expenses; the third, on how Kerani pays her servants well. These are all related ideas but they're not quite the same, and I think that confuses my head when I'm trying to look at this paragraph.I dismissed my servants after they brought my makeup. I had too many poisons in this room to risk people in here. Finding the time to train these girls was low on my priority list. I also preferred keeping our observations of servants to those who assisted our actual scientists. Their servants were true lab assistants, and we could only do background checks on and keep tabs on the expenses of so many people. I made sure to pay mine
particularly well so they wouldn’t be tempted by bribes. Not like they knew where I kept anything.
I want to feel more of the tightness in Kerani's chest and how her breath doesn't hit the bottom of her lungs and I'd love to see more of her physical and emotional reactions. Even just a line before she realizes to herself that it's a struggling-to-breathe panic.Struggling to breathe panic. Great.
This sentence is a little confused. Maybe split it up, again, into separate ideas (I had ignored thoughts... They had been so tied up with my own.)I had ignored thoughts about Ranya’s marriage, for how they had been so tied up with my own.
At first you don't mention the table so I'm slightly confused as to the place-setting when we're walking into the room. Maybe just a quick mention here -- "Father sat on Suraj's side of the table" -- would clear up some of that.Father sat on Suraj’s side.
just another simple typo here <3Those who cheered for a corination [coronation] would cheer for an execution
I'd love to get a little more physical description of Suraj next to Kerani -- since she's feeling the empty, she really should be relying on her closer senses like sight, hearing, etc. (though it would be cool for her to realize that she'd cut those off somewhat in her reliance on sensing magic). But right here, with Kerani feeling the threat of emptiness, even just tossing a line of "Suraj stood at my shoulder" or something could give us a physical sense of bearing here.I had felt nothing before.
This was not nothing.
This was empty.
“What is it, my love?”
I raised one finger to Suraj, attention on the dark outside of the crowd.
I actually love this exchange a lot! It further establishes Kerani's character -- and your follow-up in the next scene helps establish Suraj. I just wish there was more to it, I know I've pointed out a lot of stuff like this but I'd love to experience Kerani's world, not just see it from a distance through a foggy lens. This is something I think could be great with another line or two thrown in to give it space.“She shocked you!”
Suraj was cool and flinty. “I put her in danger.”
Maybe I had picked better than I thought. “I’m going to the healers.”
Suraj glared at Father before backing my retreat.
And to round out the review, some character and setting stuff!
Yes more of this! I know you're coding everything super well but I would love a mention of whoever did the henna clucking that she should have more, and Kerani being insistent that this was all she wanted, it's her wedding, etc. etc. Or even a description of the henna style -- do the Palahiras have a particular style their henna is done in that's different from surrounding regions, if the other regions have henna too? Does the Empire do henna, and if so, how is Kerani's different? Etc.I had only gotten the barest amount of henna done on my hands.
I love your worldbuilding so much. I love your characters. I'm so so so excited to see where this story brings us! <3
Keep writing!
Points: 50
Reviews: 425
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