Hey Rosey! Here reviewing for Task 2 of the Instructor Competition!
This is a good piece, and I think it has the potential to be pretty great (I bet people hear that all the time... bit repetitive, eh?). All you need is more emotion, as people have said above.
Your first six lines, I like. But then, you don't tie those emotional tidbits with the start of the story. The story goes from starting off - somewhat - emotional and caring to a more stiff introductory. The narrator doesn't want the beeping to stop... why? Obviously because usually people don't want others to die... but what's the significance of the relationship between Silvia and the other person?
Of, and there's a mask over her face.. what does her face look like? Are there scars in which this narrator remember happening? ..Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe the narrator doesn't know this Silvia to THAT extent, but still... I think you need more description and imagery,
Also, do a bit of research on a coma. How does one get into one? What are the overall symptoms? There are tons of ways to slip into a coma, but which one do you choose? And what would you like Silvia's symptoms to be?
Here's something else:
Her mother’s not even here yet.(/quote]
Why wasn't her mother there? Lack of caring in their household? Stuck in traffic? I think that fact is very important, but it's too vague. Plus... it contradicts a bit with this next line:We’ve talked to her parents but they haven’t told us much.
You first only said mother, and did not include a father. So why is there now a set of parents instead of just a mother? Is that something significant? I don't think so.. maybe just a bit of a lost thought/typo.
Overall, I think this is a good piece. You have the great building blocks of such a piece, and I think you're capable of doing so. Just like everyone's said though, you need more emotion! Make me feel what the narrator is feeling.. whoever that may be.. ^_^ And just re-read the thing. Re-write it, leave it alone, tear it to shreds.. whatever you have to do to make it even better, do it.
Oh, and one last thing. I promise!“Good to be back,” she rasps. “It’s good to be back.”
For an ending of the story, I really didn't like it. She just came out of a coma, and that's a bit cliche for her to hear that. I like that you put 'rasps' in there. Fits her condition. And that's important, her condition. Just keep that in mind.
Okay! I'm done. Good job Rosey, and I hope this helps!
-Silver
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Donate