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Hypocrite

by Riellehn


She called to tell me her woes.

She seemed to think herself worthless,

And deserving of all the pain

That she could inflict upon herself.

I told her to look around her,

And see all those who are willing to help.

All those who find worth in her,

And don't want to see her hurt.

She told me the saddest of stories.

Told me of what had happened,

Told me of the person

Who had driven her to this point.

I told her to ignore that person,

For there are so many who care for her.

So many willing to give up so much,

Just to see her be happy.

She said that she had these dark thoughts,

That seemed to hunt her each night.

She said she kept getting caught,

And that when she's caught... it's over.

I told her when she felt these thoughts come,

That she should find someone.

That it didn't matter who that was,

That she just needed to find someone.

There was silence.

Then, she said one last thing:

"Why don't you follow your own advice?"

I said nothing in return.


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126 Reviews


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Mon May 27, 2019 10:37 pm
xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! Professor Jade here with a review... Let's just do it!

She called to tell me her woes.

She seemed to think herself worthless,

And deserving of all the pain

That she could inflict upon herself.

This was sad, but honest. You said it how it is, which is bold. I like it! You drew my interest.

I told her to look around her,

And see all those who are willing to help.

All those who find worth in her,

And don't want to see her hurt.

I like how you alternate speech. She is on the left, you on the right. I also like the way you formatted it. Maybe in future give your characters name. It makes it more personal and heartfelt. If this is a true story, change the names!

Skipping to the verse before the end:

I told her when she felt these thoughts come,

That she should find someone.

That it didn't matter who that was,

That she just needed to find someone.

That was deep. Like, tears in my eyes. You put this so eloquently. *Claps*

Also, for the last verse. I loved the ending. I didn't see any spelling mistakes and I hope to see more of your work soon! Congrats once again and I hope this helps!

-Professor Jade




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Mon May 27, 2019 4:41 pm
Aliceinhorrorland wrote a review...



Hi I’m here to review! As always, I’m going to start with the things I liked:

I loved the last dialogue line because it was like “BOOM” plot twist! And I think it’s a thing some people can relate to, the moment when you give great advice but can’t seem to follow it yourself. You had nice punctuation, and the poem seemed to flow decently. I also liked the style of the poem, like the dialogue driven style. Oh and the stanzas were very creatively laid out.

Alright now onto some constructive criticism:

- One thing I want to point out is that at the ending, it would have been so much more impactful if you removed the line “I said nothing in return.” I don’t think it needs that last line, and I think it would be better without it.

- One last thing I want to say is about your word choices. You didn’t put much emotion into this poem, it was kind of bland until the last stanza. I think if you added a few more emotion driven words and rephrased some things you said in this poem, then you could have the chance to leave the reader star struck.

That’s all of my critique! Apologies if I sounded harsh, that was not my intention. This poem is a solid foundation, and I think with a little more elbow grease you could have something truly amazing here. Keep writing awesome poetry!!

-Alice




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Fri May 24, 2019 6:38 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Heyo Riellehn. I'm Morrigan, and I'm here to review your poem.

I see that you say this poem is close to your heart down below. I have had poems like that before, and honestly, they all needed a lot of revising to really shine. That's the same case here.

If I wasn't set on reviewing this poem, I would have stopped reading after the first stanza. There's nothing that draws me in. This is a text conversation I'm reading without any feelings for narrator or other conversation partner. I don't know you, and without the context of knowing you or her, this poem falls flat. So what's the solution to that?

Let me get to know you or her, or even both you and her. I don't need to know your likes or dislikes or how you like to dress, but let me know you. She's been hurting herself again. So what does that feel like for you? Is it a gut punch? Are you sighing because you're so tired of it? Are you flinching because her self harm is making you want to do it, too? Let us into your head instead of telling us what you said. Give us emotions to work off of. Don't tell us how we should be feeling, but let us empathize with what you, the narrator, is feeling.

Also, I feel like you make vague whatever this young lady is going through. You don't have to go into much detail, but

She told me the saddest of stories.
this doesn't really tell me anything. It just kind of makes me wonder if it really is the most sad of all stories. Which it probably isn't, if we're honest. Her story is probably very sad, but who knows what the saddest story is? So tell us at least if she's being bullied, or her parents are on her back, or whatever the situation is. Illuminate by candlelight-- just a flicker of what she's going through. How you do it is your choice.

I do dig the format. It's a nice physical illustration of the back and forth, with the epiphany centered.

That brings me to what I like about the poem. This is a poem. It's got an epiphany at the end, and that's really what makes anything poetry. There isn't necessarily a plot, but there's always a realization in a good poem. You nailed this part. However, build up to it a little more consistently, adding feeling and detail so the reader is presented with a more engaging and emotion-inducing product.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Let me know if you have any questions, and I'll do my best to answer them. I can't wait til you post a revision of this-- make sure to tag me if you post it separately! If you decide to edit right here in the post, give me a reply to this comment so I can see it in my notifications. Keep writing, and also don't forget to keep YWSing!




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Fri May 24, 2019 12:22 am
starryknightt wrote a review...



A more professional review:

Hey there!

Your poetry touched me. Well, more like slapped me in the face, honestly, but that's what makes it so good, right? There are so many amazing attributes to this work of art that I could point out.

First of all, the format! It is amazing! I've never seen this format work so fantastically for anyone else. Very good job. Conveys the idea of an ongoing conversation perfectly.

The theme of this work is magnificent. It is such a huge problem these days. One that I see ALL THE TIME, as well as deal with myself. This poem throws it right out there in the open and leaves the reader with questions for themselves ponder over for a good long while. You say just enough to make sure the reader knows what's going on, and you don't sugar-coat or go overboard.

Gosh. This is so good. Typed words really can't express how amazing you did in this poem.

I can't wait to read more of your art!

-M




Riellehn says...


Thank you so much! This was actually based off of an actual conversation I had with a friend of mine, so this is a poem that's very close to my heart.



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46 Reviews


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Fri May 24, 2019 12:15 am
starryknightt says...



I think...I just got sucker-punched in the stomach...





Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein