Young Writers Society

This story was really cute. We really like how the monster narrating pivots SO hard from trying to scare Charlotte to striking fear into her drunk father to protect her. We also like how the monster also becomes kind of parental and literally tucks her into the bed. It was touching and funny at the same time and we love it.

We only have two critiques:

1. We would've liked to have had a bit more description of the narrator so that the reader knows why people are supposed to be so scared of them. Although we suppose imagination takes care of that.

2. It seems weird that a twelve foot tall monster would be able to stand at their full height in (assumption based on her father's drunkenness) what would be a pretty bad home.

That's all we have for you, stay writing!


The Cidrian Writer's Guild

Hi there. I liked this story--I remember the prompt it may have come from (though I'm not assuming anything) and if you did take it from that prompt, I'm really impressed! This was a great twist to the prompt, and I feel like it could definitely be expanded.
Some ideas for any future expansion:

1. Why did the other monsters resign from their posts? If it were only because the girl wasn't scared of them, that would be one thing, but their resigning one after another suggests that either the girl or the abuser was actively making them want to leave. Perhaps you could make it so that the girl has enough power to beat the monsters and make them leave, or perhaps you could make it that the father somehow intimidates the monsters. One idea I had was that perhaps the girl made friends with some of the monsters beforehand, but when the monsters tried to defend the girl, the father punished them. That could be a great conflict to continue the story with--will this supervisor be able to succeed where the other monsters couldn't? But that's just my speculation.

2. The brevity of the piece made it so that I didn't really understand why the supervisor monster would want to defend this girl. Is it just a matter of their own sense of justice? Perhaps on a later revision, you could lengthen the story a bit to flesh out why a monster would want to defend a human girl, maybe make it so that the two of them have similar fears or something.

In the case that this is just practice for yourself, here are some things you could work on for future pieces:

1. Consider characterization when writing dialogue and actions. As I mentioned earlier, why would a monster who scares children for a living suddenly care for an abused child? Why would the monster call her "darling," even? Perhaps the characterization in your mind would make it work out, but you also need to consider how the reader sees the characterization as well.

2. Your small examples of worldbuilding is effective. For example, the line "Across the room under Daniel's crib is a rookie named Chico-- a standard Creep kind of monster." helps build a sense of consistency within the universe--it makes sense for there to be another monster under another bed, and it makes sense that the supervisor would realize what kind of monster it is.

3. Really loved the last line. It's a nice bookend to a sad story with a happy ending. It would be even more weighty with a deeper plot and development behind it, methinks.

So anyway, that's my take. Thank you for the read!

Cheers.
K

Okay, okay, there's a lot to unpack here. This instantly reminded me of Monsters, inc, where the Monsters were each assigned a kid to scare. This is sort of the same concept, just a bit more complex, which I do like. The ending was sort of sweet; it showed that the monster doesn't really want to scare her, and that despite being a monster, the real monster is the drunk? (Is he Charlotte's father? I'm not really sure..can you confirm that? Correct me if I'm wrong).

I really liked this aspect; People can totally be monsters..well, the metaphorical type.

Now, onto the nit-picky stuff.

1. "What the . . . " I cut Francis' next words off by unfolding my full 12 feet height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my ice cold fingers down his face."

"Caress" means to hold something with care, and since this monster is well, pretty angry, it seems like a sort of..off word? Use a word like 'drag', maybe.

2. "My full twelve foot height" also sounds..awkward.

It should be something like: "..by unfolding to my full height."

Otherwise than that, I really liked this piece, and if you choose to turn it into something more, I'm down to read it.

Cheers!

-MintyLeaf <3

Hi! This was an amazing short story you wrote. I loved the ending! But I spotted two mistakes:

#1

A few minutes go by and I can hear Francis Gideon yelling a his wife.

To
A few minutes go by and I can hear Francis Gideon yelling AT his wife.

#2

Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I do.

To
Move Over!" Charlotte hisses at me. I do.

No full stop between ‘move’ and ‘over’.

This story was very unique and different. I loved it. Maybe you could make a bit longer?



I look forward to more of these type of stories!



Keep writing!