z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Cherry Tree

by Ljungtroll


He looked it up and down and up and 

Said that he wanted a treehouse.  He took 

His ax and chopped it down, quieter than a 

Churchmouse.  His father came, the silly clown, and

Asked who took the home of the old grouse, and George replied,

Shaking inside that, "I wanted it for my treehouse."


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Sun Oct 11, 2020 5:56 pm
Riverlight wrote a review...



Hehehehe...

This is pretty humorous! Your line breaks are a bit off, but that's easily fixed (if you wanted to fix it, that is), and I think that it's just a great twist on the apocryphal story of George Washington and the cherry tree! It made me chuckle and smile, so well done!

I see no grammatical errors, and that makes it all the better. I can't wait to review your every word!




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Wed Sep 09, 2020 5:16 pm
Riverlight says...



Hehehe...




Ljungtroll says...


Oh gracious, don't look at these!



Riverlight says...


I will, and you will like it! XD



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Fri Oct 03, 2014 9:56 am
yakitsa wrote a review...



Hey!

So.
At first I didn't see sense in the way you had cut up the sentences, but when I finished it, I didn't mind it so much, since there was a very subtle rythm to it, that I loved!

The poem was amazingly humorous! I enjoyed it a lot! I especially liked the rhyme in it.

I think there might have been a comma after 'inside' in the sentence -

"Shaking inside that, "I wanted it for my treehouse.""

-but I'm not sure.

I look forward to more from you!




Ljungtroll says...


Thanks for commenting!! :D



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Fri Oct 03, 2014 4:53 am
SweetBabyJamie says...



Since I am from the Philippines, I didn't know this story. Now, I researched about this and compared. Your work is short, but it's humorous. I liked it. Even though I did not see your purpose in the way you cut the lines.




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Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:35 am
torreygrace wrote a review...



I like this a lot! You might want to make the sentences more even to help the rhythm, but otherwise, it is really good! I have never seen something like this, and it is a great idea. It would be cool if you did this for a whole bunch of American folk-lore. I like the modern-humorous take on this old story. Good job!




Ljungtroll says...


I might do what you suggested....I'll just need some more ideas.



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Thu Oct 02, 2014 3:34 am
Vervain wrote a review...



Hello, darling! Pardon me if I repeat anything that's been said already.

To begin, this is fairly humorous. I like it; I laughed a bit, since this is a newer look at an old American legend of sorts, exploring reasons for Washington's actions with a bit of a more modern twist.

As far as critique goes: Your line lengths and line breaks are weird. And I mean really weird. On my first read-through, I looked at this and wondered if the line breaks were where you wanted them to be or if someone had gone through and changed them all. I get maybe not wanting to break your lines at the rhyme because that would look "typical", but "typical" is better than "what even is this".

I'd also suggest not ending your lines with articles, conjunctions, prepositions, objectless verbs, etc.—basically every line break in this piece. They're distracting by the sheer virtue of the reader having to actually work to connect the lines ("Okay, the beginning of this line is "churchmouse", what was the end of the last one?"). If possible, especially in a rhyming poem where your line breaks are for the most part actually cut out for you (with wiggle room, of course), try not to confuse the reader too much. You want them to think about what you've written, not have to think their way through how you wrote it.

His father came the silly clown and
Asked who took the home of the old grouse

This is the most forced line in the piece. I despise it with every fiber of my being. First of all, I believe you mean for "the silly clown" to describe "his father", so you would need commas after "came" and "clown"—second of all, the second line is just way too clunky and it sounds like you just put it in there for the sake of having a rhyme for "treehouse". I understand the necessity of the rhyme, but I feel like that line could use some major editing so it actually flows with the rest of the poem.

Overall, I actually really liked it! I think you need to watch your line breaks and not try to force a rhyme, and maybe do some minor punctuation editing, and this should be clean and good to go. Keep writing!




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Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:59 am
kitty4111 says...



I like how you took the story of George Washington cutting the cherry tree, and made it into something funny (even though it was already a kind of funny story...) I really liked it, keep writing more like this!




Ljungtroll says...


Thanks!!!



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Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:39 am
krazywriter wrote a review...



Nice. That's a take on the story I've never heard before. He was going to make a tree house out of a cherry tree?

The poem itself is short and sweet. I can find the rhymes, but the ones toward the end don't flow very nicely. The lines "His father came the silly clown and asked who took the home of the old grouse" seems to have too many syllables in it compared to the rest of the poem. I might work better if you first rhymed with "clown." Just a thought.

Nice work! Interesting poem! Keep it up!




Ljungtroll says...


Thanks for the praise!! I kind of got desperate at the end. Sorry if it confused you! :)




The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White