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16+ Language Violence

The Forsaken Race: The Hidden Truth - Chapter 17

by RavenAkuma


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 17 - Strange Happenings

                

                

A large plain of open grasslands, with a village in the distance, began to fade from view as three Aubade lieutenants made their way through a forest. This was not the Blood Forest, though. This was just a simple, well-lit woodland with thick oaks and tall birch trees, and some ferns along the ground. The leaves were turning vibrant hues of orange and yellow as they prepared to fall. A dense layer was already on the ground, and they released a distinct earthy fragrance as they were trampled beneath the weight of iron-reinforced boots.

The three soldiers were some of the more famous in the Northern Territories, and like all lieutenants, they were recognizable by the iconic armor. Slightly more intricate and personalized than the standard Aubade armor, theirs were also tinted violet. One of the people was an older woman, with dark eyes and silver hair in a ponytail. The second was a blond man with short hair and gray eyes, about the same age. The last was another silver-haired woman, with her long hair in loose waves, hanging over her shoulder. Her eyes were blue, and she looked slightly younger than the other two.

The blond man was impatient, though, his look impatient and demanding. He glared out of the corner of his eye, at the dark-eyed woman.

He growled, "That doesn't make sense, Atara. How can you tell me they just disappeared?"

The dark-eyed woman glared right back. "Don't give me that disapproving look, Chiro, it's not my fault. That's exactly what happened. Unlike some of us, I don't lie."

"Don't you dare say that to me," Chiro argued. "I only lie when it's necessary, for the benefit of me, my sons, or my queen."

Atara sneered and rolled her eyes. "As I recall, you lied about 'ill intent' just to get whats-his-face out of the army."

"I heard what I heard!" Chiro snapped. "You know it's against our code to lie. I am always honest, unlike you Akanes."

"Sure you are, Hitai," Atara said sarcastically. "Because if there's one thing your family's known for, it's having great communication and people skills, right?"

Chiro went to retort, but the blue-eyed lady interfered.

"Okay, okay, slow down!" She exclaimed, laughing a bit. "Sheesh, you two, save it for when we're not on duty. Or at the very least, take your issues up with her majesty."

"That's a very good idea, Shira," Atara replied innocently. "I'm sure she'll know what to make of our observations, unlike our other comrades."

Atara stopped speaking from there, but still wore a mocking smirk that made Chiro annoyed.

Despite the taunting gestures, the silence lingered for the few minutes it took for them to reach their intended destination. It was a camp with large gray tents, and many other soldiers were wandering about. The vast majority of them were sergeants, who were the standard soldiers with silver armor and helmets with violet plumes.

Chiro, Shira, and Atara proceeded to a large tent near the center. They went inside to find the sylph queen herself. She sat elegantly on the edge of a cot, reading through a thick book. Despite her intricate silver armor, with violet details and the Aubade Emblem (a rabbit's head) on the front, she kept her typical patient, welcoming look and attitude.

Corelia closed her book. "Chiro and Shira? It's strange to find you in these parts of Sybilius. I thought Atara left you to patrol the palace area."

"She did, your majesty," Shira spoke, giving a slight bow. "Chiro and I came here because we wished to discuss some things with you."

Corelia gained a nervous smile, trying to laugh. "What a bad time for me to leave, huh? I'm sorry I made you two travel this far. Well, then, how goes your work?"

"It's been good for us, your majesty," Chiro started. "I hope you've been well, too."

"Nothing more than the usual," Corelia responded.

"Hold on, though," said Atara. "We really should update you on local news first, since you've only arrived recently. Chiro and Shira can explain their problem afterward."

Shira spoke, "Hold on, maybe we should-"

"The palace area is more important than this random patch of woods!" Chiro argued.

"The Royal City is the most heavily protected city in Sybilius," Atara retorted. "The local village, on the other hand, could really use our help before anything here gets worse."

"Atara, Chiro," Corelia said warily. "What did we discuss about the bickering?"

Chiro sneered and looked away, while Atara seemed unamused.

Shira sighed, muttering, "Thank gods. Someone to take over the job of peacekeeper."

"Now..." Corelia paused to think. "Simply because of the closer proximity, let's start with Atara's problem."

"Thank you, your majesty," Atara replied. "If I may ask, how much have the others informed you, before your arrival?"

"Oh, just the basics," Corelia explained. "It seems the boys were in a rush, not leaving much information for me to go on. I know we're dealing with a small, unknown tribe that enjoys terrorizing those poor villagers, further north."

Chiro laughed a bit. "No one ever said they had a sense of scheduling, eh?"

Corelia teased, "Something tells me they get it from their father."

"I've gotten better!" Chiro argued lightheartedly.

Atara cleared her throat. "Resuming my report, you may also remember what we were dealing with. At first, we thought they may be some deformed beasts, but their communication resembles people of dark evolution, like gargoyles. They also share some traits in common with orcs. This has led us to believe that they are an aggressive starter tribe, with low intelligence and high bloodlust."

"The worst of both those species," Chiro muttered.

Atara continued, "Honestly, we've been at a stalemate of sorts. Obviously, they won't tear down that stupid camp, but our troops have made it impossible for them to advance. It's been that way until our most recent patrol. A-"

"A word of warning, your majesty," Chiro interfered. "The rest of this story will seem a bit far-fetched, and I'm suspicious of it."

"I can prove it right now!" Atara insisted.

Corelia set down her book and stood up. "Well, now I'm curious. Let Atara point out the problem; I'd like to see what she meant, by that."

Atara nodded, shoving Chiro as she followed Corelia outside the tent. They proceeded past a ramshackle training ring and some other tents, until they reached the very edge of the camp, marked by some sharpened stakes that formed a barricade. Beyond it, the woods stretched on, even up a weathered hill.

As they came to a stop, Atara pointed out a concerning sight. In the distance, beyond the hill, there was dark smoke pouring into the sky.

"Smoke?" Chiro spat. "I could've pointed that out when we got here."

"No, no..." Corelia's green eyes narrowed. "Yes, it's been present for a while, but the trail's gotten bigger. Furthermore, it looks too dark and thick for a mere campfire or torches."

"Exactly," Atara agreed. "I took the liberty of sending one troop to inspect the camp they built, and he says he found it completely trashed and burned. There were no corpses that fit the people we saw, though. Only three..." She gulped nervously. "So to speak, three things that were even more monstrous than the people had been. The troop barely escaped, and it took almost all this camp to destroy them."

"Perhaps it was just a big forest beast?" Shira suggested.

"This was nothing from nature -it couldn't be, and something doesn't add up. One of the beasts had the crown of who we identified as the second-in-command. Stained with blood and more unsightly things, as well. What's even stranger is the disappearance of the people; how did the beasts drag forty corpses off, then go back to clean up all the blood and entrails? Even a pack of wyverns aren't that hungry."

Shira looked uneasy. "Should we be worried about this, or is it normal in foreign work?"

"Not even close," Chiro muttered. "I've heard numerous reports of unidentified monsters in the past few months, so I'll believe they saw something, but how would a whole tribe just disappear? It makes no sense!"

"Steady on," Corelia said calmly. "Chiro, I understand perfectly why this situation would sound off-putting. In most instances, it would. However, the two go hand-in-hand."

Now all three of them looked confused.

Corelia sighed, looking thoughtfully at the smoke. "I'm afraid there have been more than a few instances just like this. People, if not entire tribes, either disappear or change into those terrible monsters. Most of them are starter tribes; no bigger than twenty to eighty people, none of whom evolved very far or made much of a name for themselves. These people seem to have fit the pattern, and fallen to the same fate."

"That's the pattern?" Chiro murmured. "Those disgusting things come from people? Or, at least, semi-people?"

"Yes," said Corelia. "Which is why I've been desperate to keep track of situations like this. There's a chance it could escalate; there's a chance it has escalated. Our beautiful land keeps us safe, but those same protections make us late to receive warnings from outside."

"I know what you mean," Atara agreed.

Corelia turned to the group. "We're doing what we can here. Let's just make sure they won't be a problem anymore, and keep an eye out for changes in the future."

Chiro stepped in front of Atara. "Now that that's out of the way, shall we discuss the palace area? It involves the Zyreans, so we can trade one monster for another."

Corelia looked unamused. "Great. Well, what've they done this time? And please don't tell me Leiytning killed a whole unit again..."

Chiro sneered, "That old snake hasn't even been spotted since you confronted him, last year."

"Right, it's nothing of that nature," Shira agreed. "Now, there was nothing reported directly, and not many clues to go on. However, our guards have picked up rumors around the city, which have led others to believe a civilian has been getting a bit too close to the border."

"That's not good," Corelia murmured. "What in the world would cause that to happen?"

"We've already started looking through the usual suspects," said Chiro. "However, nothing came up. A search of our side of the forest turned up a small abandoned camp by the Blood Pool, but nothing more than that. Whoever went over there, they either gave up and left the area, or wound up lost in there."

Corelia was clearly unhappy. "I don't like that. Just the thought of a-"

Suddenly, it hit her. Corelia looked like someone had just stabbed her.

"Your majesty?" Shira spoke. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, my gods..." Corelia looked very anxious. "Chiro, Shira, you said the civilian wasn't identified, but do you have a description, at least?"

Chiro shrugged his shoulders. "The only suspect description came from a carriage driver, who was likely the source of this rumor. Supposedly, it was a young female sylph with gray clothes and a dark shade of hair. Does that help?"

"Does it help my idea, yes," Corelia replied. "Does it help my nerves, absolutely not. Chiro, the moment you two get back, I want you to take a scout patrol and do a thorough check of the Blood Forest. Try to avoid crossing the border; I don't want to stir up trouble with demons if we don't have to. However, if you find any sign that this civilian is still there, she's no doubt in danger. Do what you must to find her, and bring her back."

Chiro bowed. "As you wish."

"I'm not going to get back soon..." Corelia turned to Shira. "When you return, I need you to send a messenger to the lieutenant I have in Lion's Bridge. Ask her if a resident is missing. If it's not too much trouble, you could also speak to the cabman; I know who he is, he's always outside the palace with a black carriage and four reddish-brown armequuses. See if he knows anything else about her or her plans."

"I will, but you're not making any sense," said Shira.

Corelia sighed, "I think I know who it may have been. She recently learned something about the Zyreans and the war, and she's already asked if she could seek them out. I denied her, and I thought I got her off the idea. I also thought her friends would keep her grounded. However, if she was determined enough, she may have done it anyway. Dammit, I probably could've prevented this."

"Easy, your majesty," Atara insisted. "While she's a likely suspect, we don't know if it's her for sure. Even if it is, she may have come back already."

"Right, right, let's hope that's all..." Corelia groaned, "Ugh, I didn't want her to get involved in this, even when it was limited to a conversation about them. The thought of her confronting the Zyreans, themselves, is downright horrifying! She doesn't know how to protect herself, nor what they're willing to do to her!"

"It is nerve-wracking," Shira agreed. "That poor girl could be severely injured by even the weakest Zyrean."

Now with anxiety prominent in her expression, Corelia started pacing a bit. "Okay, maybe I can leave you to finish here; I need to get back and see to this, I have to know-"

"Your majesty, calm down," Atara insisted. "One emergency doesn't cancel out another, you taught us that. What if those beasts come for the village?"

"R-Right, I suppose that is still a concern," Corelia quickly replied. "Yes, that is right."

Shira continued, "At the very least, we should get the number of monsters to a low enough for local posts to handle. Then we can leave."

Chiro grunted with contempt. "I really hope this doesn't become a normal situation."

Coreliamanaged a laugh, despite visibly shuddering. "Untrained civilians running into the Blood Forest en masse; Chiro, my friend, you know how to scare me."

"Oh, no," Chiro responded. "I meant the creatures, your majesty. Apologies."

"Ah..." Corelia cleared her throat. "Right. The creatures. One of you, tell your queen to get it together before we all-"

'CRACK!'

Corelia took a sharp breath, the loud sound catching her off-guard. As she looked at the others, she saw that it didn't go unnoticed. Chiro was glaring into the forest beyond, while Atara and Shira kept one hand on the hilts of their swords.

Eventually, Chiro broke the silence. "Did any of you hear that?"

"Of course we did," Atara retorted. "I'm more worried about what caused it."

"Just checking," Chiro said snootily. "Hitais have the superior senses."

"Now you're claiming that too?!" Atara snapped.

"Not now, you two!" Shira argued.

While her lieutenants argued, Corelia rolled her eyes and followed the noise. She traced it to the woods beyond the barricade. Even now, she could hear the muffled 'crunch' of grass and fallen leaves, slowly edging closer. Whatever creature was coming, it was using the thicker brush to its advantage, concealing itself.

Shira stepped forward. "Stay back, your majesty."

Corelia looked unamused. "Excuse me?"

'thud...thud...THUD'

As soon as the 'thuds' grew shockingly loud and close, low growls and heavy breaths were added to them. Chiro quickly unsheathed his own blade.

Suddenly, something huge and dark sprang from the woods.

The creature landed unscathed on top of the stakes. Four more followed, only they barreled through the defenses and into the camp.

"It's the monsters!" Atara exclaimed.

The mutant miscreations were humanoid in the sense of having arms, legs, and a torso. However, their rotted skin was filthy, almost black, with the flesh beneath looking equally decayed. Their arms, legs, and even facial features were all disproportionate and misshapen. Some were too big, others too small, some missing entirely, and there were even extras of some. All of them had a thick spinal sail, damaged horns, and dead eyes glazed with white. One even had two tentacles bursting from its exposed throat and mouth -which in itself resembled a hideous tear in its head, and was overflowing with a mixture of puss and black ooze. The stench of decay and infection was so strong, it was almost enough to induce vomiting on the spot.

The lead mutant, the one on the stakes, finally leaped down. It glared over the sylphs with bloodlust reflecting in its hideous face. It began to snarl, showing off hundreds of eerily person-like teeth ranging in size. It lowered itself as it began to stalk forth. Its steps were uneven, as one leg was too meaty and the other too spindly. The others started doing the same, trying to circle the sylphs.

Shira unsheathed her sword, clearly scared. "Atara, you weren't kidding."

"I know," Atara responded, masking her fear well. "They're very aggressive. We need to get rid of them as fast as we can, before they attack the villagers again."

As the first beast growled louder, it suddenly tried to pounce on Chiro. However, there was no match. The second it came within striking distance, Chiro only had to duck, and one thrust of his sword impaled the creature. He threw it down, freeing his sword, then decapitated it with one strike.

"Well, they are nasty," Chiro remarked. "But they aren't bright."

The fight only went downhill for the beasts. Atara easily decapitated the second, and spun back to impale the third. Avoiding the whipping tentacles of the fourth, Shira cut through the extra limbs, then tore open its throat with a desperate slice.

However, the last one pounced without warning, trapping Shira beneath it. She braced herself to counter the attack.

'SHING!'

Suddenly, the creature screeched horribly and collapsed on top of her. Shira writhed beneath its weight, her bile rising when she felt the putrid mix of fluids pouring from it. The other lieutenants could easily see a long silver sword run straight through its side and heart.

As the creature let out a wheeze of desperation, Corelia approached with her ornate greatsword in hand, then finished the beast with one more decapitating blow.

"A good shot, your majesty!" Chiro remarked.

Corelia easily kicked the corpse off Shira. "Thank you. Sorry for trapping you like that, Shira, I panicked."

Shira got back to her feet. "I guess I'm still a little rusty."

Atara smiled. "Did motherhood drag you down that much, sis?"

"Worth it," Shira replied. "It's not just that; I'm too used to only having to deal with wily sylphs. Domestic duty is nothing like this. I certainly didn't realize you were such an adept opponent, your majesty! Spears and knives are one thing, but it takes skill to throw a sword like that."

Chiro burst out laughing. "Shira, you didn't think our queen could fight? Just how long have you been away? She could kick all our asses, and then some!"

"Sheesh, not that I would want to," Corelia muttered. "It's just lots of training and decades of experience. Even then, I'm not invincible or unmatched."

Atara smirked, poking one beast with her sword. "Well, neither are our enemies."


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Mon Mar 04, 2024 3:17 pm
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aaliyahlaurier wrote a review...



You are so extremely talented! I was drawn in from the start, and now I want to go back and read everything from the very beginning. I'll have to set some time aside to do that when I'm not writing myself. You have amazing grammar and a great eye for detail, and the characters have some really creative names. I would totally pick this up and buy it if I saw it in a book store. Please please keep up the good work :))) can't wait for more.




RavenAkuma says...


Thank you so much!! I appreciate your kind words and taking the time to read! :)



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Mon Mar 04, 2024 2:47 pm
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keeperofgaming wrote a review...



First impressions
Corelia is strong. Her determination to protect her people is evident, as well as her worry that Kita did a stupid thing. I like how the chapter cemented her as a good one while simultaneously showing her ignorance to outside her land.

Characters:
Corelia- She is noble and kind, but she has an issue where she doesn't really know what happened outside of the land. She assumes that the Zyreans are hostile monsters, without knowing much about them. Though, this does sort of model that she truly doesn't know what is wrong with Kita, though I still think Kita is a half demon.

Atara- Her playful yet serious attitude allows her fellow combatants to calm down. Then her strength is proven when she goes and fights the second beast, instantly decapitating it. Her funloving attitude, in addition to her powerful fighting, makes her a solid and cool character.

Chiro- His argumentive introduction is not only funny, but shows off his prideful, yet kind nature. He also seems to be somewhat elitist, as he wanted to protect the capital as 'it is more important,' showing that he is kind, but only to the higher class. His confidence in Corelia amplifies that.

Shira- her being the mediator was funny, it amplifies her peaceloving nature, and her seriousness given the proper situation. I also appreciate that she is beaten, showing that she is rusty from not doing anything for so long. I also love that little addition that she is a parent.

Overall: Very fun read.




RavenAkuma says...


Welcome back! This tells me that the characters are giving off all the impressions I hoped they would, so thanks for your feedback and for taking the time to read! :)



keeperofgaming says...


Nice. Yeah, I plan on catching up soon.



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Sat Mar 02, 2024 7:24 pm
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dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi Raven! So excited to see what happens next. Here we go!

As I'm reading through:

I like how you introduced the characters for this chapter. Their arguing is a great trait to quickly make them recognizable in the future. By the same token the face they seem to reduce their arguing when explaining the report shows their discipline as soldiers.

I wonder if this trend of people turning into monsters is somehow related to the chaos alluded to in the prologue. This seems to have a very high potential to become dangerous in the future.
It also intrigues me that new tribes can seemingly pop up out of the blue. I wonder how they are formed.

Ooooh. Corelia learned about Kita's trip to blood forest. I wonder what she'll do if/when she finds out Kita made contact with the Zyreans.

Also, this line made me a little suspicious. "It is nerve-wracking," Shira agreed. "That poor girl could be severely injured by even the weakest Zyrean."
She sounds like she knows Kita. Not sure if this was intentional but it did intrigue me.

It was very good to show how concerned Corelia was about Kita by having her mistake the normal situation being civilians running into blood forest.

I enjoyed how Atara and Chiro went right back to arguing as soon as the monster showed up. Not only does it reinforce that trait, but it also shows how little of a threat they feel this creature poses.

I really enjoyed getting to see Corelia fight (if only briefly) and the reveal about Shira having children seems interesting. I hope this doesn't come into play in a bad way later.

Overall thoughts:

I enjoyed this quick glimpse into how things are going back in Aubade. I wonder how much of the extra info revealed here will become important and relevant later.

It was also nice to see a different side to Corelia. Even while acting as a soldier her character has stayed consistent. She always seems to give off motherly vibes and I like it a lot.

Last thoughts:

The last part of the story really gave me a better idea of the power scaling in this world. Magic is powerful but physical force and politics are more than enough to hold it at bay (for now).

I really enjoyed. Have a great day/night.




RavenAkuma says...


Welcome back! So far, you're drawing a lot of accurate conclusions -though I won't say which ones in hope of leaving some surprises ;)

Glad you enjoyed, thanks for reading and reviewing! :)



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Sat Feb 17, 2024 8:37 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi again Raven! Lim here with a review.

Initial Thoughts

These unknown monsters seem like an interesting element. I wonder if these are related to the ‘big threat’ towards both Zyreans and Aubades mentioned by Corelia in the prologue. I also find myself linking the appearance of the monsters to the previous chapter, where Seyber talks to Leiytning about some big hard-to-handle situation that was concealed from the reader.

The three lieutenants surprised me a bit – I was expecting them to be more serious but they bicker a lot and seem quite casual with each other and the queen. It seems like maternity in working (fighting?) women is stigmatized in this setting, from that interaction between Atara and Shira. I didn’t expect to see a reference to that in mid-battle dialogue, but I guess it is interesting to know that Shira has children (and also mostly fought “wily sylphs” before – do groups of sylphs have internal fights against each other? Or is she talking about criminals in the kingdom?).


Characterisation
Something I really liked was how you’ve shown Corelia’s character in this chapter!

She sat elegantly on the edge of a cot, reading through a thick book. Despite her intricate silver armor, with violet details and the Aubade Emblem (a rabbit's head) on the front, she kept her typical patient, welcoming look and attitude.

I like the idea of seeing Corelia out in the field – it shows her character as a ruler. Like she told the demon king in the prologue, she really doesn’t hang back in the palace and let others do all the dirty work – so it’s nice to see that happening in front of us in a scene. I also like this particular description of her sitting and taking in information from a book even while technically out fighting. It fits in with the idea of someone who has a study completely packed with books.

"Atara, Chiro," Corelia said warily. "What did we discuss about the bickering?"

I like this moment – it shows that she’s competent at mediating when she needs to. After all, it’s not good for morale when your leaders are always arguing.

Corelia’s reaction to the rumour also felt believable and sympathetic. When I read the description of her looking like she’d been stabbed, I was like oof I felt that. I like how that is consistent with how much she’s shown to care for Kita, even if at times Kita can’t get herself to believe that Corelia does care.

Lastly, that classic anime sword-throw at the end seems fitting for Corelia’s vibe somehow.

Worldbuilding

Something I feel I’d like to see more of is what the society of the Aubades is like. I feel like there are some things about the Aubade characters we do see that seem a bit unusual, but I don’t have enough information to figure out whether or not that’s part of the setting/worldbuilding or if it’s just coincidence. For example, Chiro, Shira and Atara seem very familiar with Corelia here – though they call her ‘her Majesty’, they also do small talk with her like I’d imagine colleagues would do (of equal standing in the workplace hierarchy). That seems different from what I’d see of other fantasy settings with a monarch in it, even if the monarch is always around their people and doesn’t act hoity-toity. So similar to Mao in the earlier chapters, it kind of makes me wonder – is it something about these three characters in particular (like are they Corelia’s childhood friends) or the setting (Aubade culture) that in some situations you can talk to the Queen very familiarly (because I know Kita for sure was very formal with Corelia in the way she spoke).

Plot

I was surprised the rumour about Kita entering the Blood Forest could be so specific as to make her identifiable. I guess if the carriage driver entered the equation, it would make sense, though. Plus I’ve been expecting Corelia to find out sometime in the story, so I found that plot development believable. I like that it could introduce more complications for Kita, since now Corelia’s people will be looking for her and she does not want to be found.

Final Thoughts

Overall, this chapter helps broaden the view of the story beyond Kita’s perspective. And I do also like that it’s still linking back to Kita with Corelia’s discovery, because I feel like Kita’s story is really a driving force here. I like that Corelia’s appearance here lets us familiarize ourselves with her character more and see her in a different setting than before. I think my interest in linguistics (and especially sociolinguistics) leads me to focus a lot on how the characters talk to each other in dialogue, which is why I ramble on a lot about the dialogue dynamics ^^’ Do let me know if you’d prefer me to go into some other aspect more though. I’d be happy to chat about it.

Hope this was helpful! Keep writing!
-Lim




RavenAkuma says...


Welcome back, Lim! You won't find me complaining about dialogue critiques, that's actually something I don't see a lot of. Glad you enjoyed, thanks for reading and reviewing! :)



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Tue Jan 02, 2024 11:00 pm
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PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello friend!
I saw you released a new chapter, and I'm here to check it out!


Per my interpretation, this was an interesting addition to your novel! To be completely honest, I wasn't prepared for the complete perspective change, but I have to say, I wasn't disappointed!

Three lieutenants go to Corelia to tell her what they know about the monsters that are rampaging the village, but they end up talking about the Sylph that went into the Blood Forest. Corelia quickly realizes who it is and is somewhat upset that she couldn't prevent Kita from going. But she is redirected back to the monsters when they come into the village, and they're all forced to fight them.

This was an interesting plot, and definitely one that I wasn't expecting. Nonetheless, I still enjoyed what I read!


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be something related to a run-on sentence that was in this chapter. It happened when Corelia and the three others were talking about what was going on with the Zyreans. You said,

"Now that that's out of the way, shall we discuss the palace area It involves the Zyreans, so we can trade one monster for another."


It's a really simple fix and quite a small thing! The only thing that needs to happen is to add a question mark after "area," and everything will be set!

But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, as always, there would be quite a few! I don't think you'll ever be able to post a chapter where I don't find so many things absolutely amazing!

The first thing that really caught my eye was the way you showed the relationship between Chiro and Atara and how done she is with his crap. You said,

Atara nodded, shoving Chiro as she followed Corelia outside the tent.


All of their interactions were quite comical, but this one was just the icing on the cake! The fact that Atara seemingly shoved Chiro for being nothing more than a little annoying was quite funny and very sibling-like, so good job portraying their relationship!

The next thing I really enjoyed was the way you wrote Corelia's reaction to realizing it was Kita in the Blood Forest. You said,

Suddenly, it hit her. Corelia looked like someone had just stabbed her.


The fear and remorse she felt after realizing it was indeed Kita who went into the forest was really well written and did a great job showing how much Corelia actually cared. It showed who she is as a character in a really fascinating way, and it was also a beautiful description of what she looked like in that scene, so kudos to you for that!

The next thing that I really quite liked was your use of figurative language, more specifically, onomatopoeia. You used it a couple of times throughout this chapter in really great ways, saying things like,

'thud...thud...THUD'


AND...

'SHING!'


Not only is this fun to read, but it's also a great way to show exactly what's happening in a scene. It helps you to imagine what's going on in a way that feels almost immersive, which is always an amazing thing to experience while reading. So fantastic job with that!

The final thing I found myself drawn to in this chapter was the end when you said,

"Sheesh, not that I would want to," Corelia muttered. "It's just lots of training and decades of experience. Even then, I'm not invincible or unmatched."

Atara smirked, poking one beast with her sword. "Well, neither are our enemies."


I feel like this is a bit of foreshadowing in a sense. Possibly hinting toward some sort of fight with the Zyreans. The fact that Atara's saying their enemies aren't invincible really just feels like it's pointing toward some incredibly large conflict with the demons, but I don't know yet, so we'll find out!

Lots of really great and beautiful things happened here in this chapter!


Overall, I definitely enjoyed my time reading this! There were a lot of great things happening here, and it was sort of a break from the really tense scenes with Kita and the Zyreans, which was nice! You did a great job with this, and I'm looking forward to the future of this novel!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




RavenAkuma says...


Glad you enjoyed! Thanks for pointing out that typo, and leaving another great review! :)




The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz