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16+ Language Violence

The Forsaken Race - The Hidden Truth: Chapter 12

by RavenAkuma


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 12 - Silver Tongue

    

   

As Kita felt the temperature drop drastically, she forced herself to open her eyes. However, the sight left her concerned.

Where she was supposed to see the overhead branches of the forest, she now saw a cloudy dun sky. She quickly sat up, but around her, she could only see fog. There were no things, not even a stone, and no living creature as far as the eye could see.

Even though there was no one in sight, there were slightly harmonized cries in the distance. It was like someone was trying to sing in an awful, screeching manner. The sound was enough to make anyone's ears bleed, but Kita found it oddly hypnotic as well.

Until they became louder, more agonized, and Kita had to cover her ears. Scared, she shut her eyes tight.

"No," Kita murmured. "Please don't-"

Suddenly, she heard harsh whispers, so close to her ears that she had to make sure she was alone. She was still very much alone, but the hissing was unbearable.

"Our world is full of agony. If you listen closely, you can hear their screams. Warriors who have fallen, innocents who were slaughtered, tyrants that got what they deserved, and so much more."

Everything became louder, and Kita fell to her knees, covering her ears.

"Every scream, cry, and wail tells a story. In some cases, you may have the power to reverse their imminent fates. Be careful, though, or you may just find the same lying in wait for you. Caution will serve you well, but only for so long. There are creatures out there that use the most convincing masks."

Kita was overcome by a vibrant red haze, even though she swore her eyes were closed. Then, something flashed before her.

An eye of shadows slid open, blacker than ink, with one glowing white ring staring at her menacingly.

"Know when to listen, and when to lie."

    

   

As everything seemed to vanish, Kita found herself fighting to open her eyes. She struggled to move, trying to pinch herself awake.

When she was finally able to see, there was nothing in the area. Just the swaying branches of the Blood Forest. The air was humid, and dew was dripping onto her nose from somewhere above. The sight of the sky was the most surprising, though. The morning's golden sunlight was trickling through the canopy.

Kita mumbled with a drowsy voice, "I made it to morning?"

She looked down, and immediately became too scared to praise herself for sleeping. She had what looked like a death grip on her own wrist. Her skin had turned red from the pressure, which had also agitated past scratches.

Kita pried her hand away. "If it's not one thing, it's the other. This is so annoying."

Looking around to distract herself, she saw that the tiny fire had gone out in the night, but the small camp had been undisturbed. She couldn't remember anything unusual, apart from what she had dreamed, and Stud seemed calm enough for the same to apply to him. With that established, Kita tidied herself and the camp, then picked up the bag and walked along the stream.

"Let's think this through," she murmured. "I need a plan, unlike yesterday."

When Kita reached the point in the stream with protruding stones, she stopped and hid behind a large tree. She retrieved a book from her bag, but as soon as she opened it, a cloud of dust burst at her. Waving the debris away from her face, she started flipping through.

"Maybe I can glean a hint," Kita murmured. "I don't think her majesty meant to include this book, and if she did, it was probably to enforce her point about the danger. However, it does talk about random attempts to fight and defend against the demons. There has to be something-"

One word made her freeze and bite her tongue. The page was mangled and torn, as if someone had tried to tear it off. Still, the words were intact, and she couldn't help her curiosity.

'Kodin.'

"That's right," Kita mumbled. "He's the reason I took up this mission in the first place. Our problems sounded so similar, down to the loss of faith in Sybilius..."

She peeked around the tree to scan for people or creatures. There was nothing, so she returned her focus to the book.

Flipping through, Kita read the same story that Corelia had shared. From Kodin acting erratically, to him seeking out the Zyreans. Kita was about to give up on getting something useful, until she saw the end of the entry.

Kita read quietly to herself, "'My fear came true. Kodin has truly betrayed us. The twins had gotten into his head and twisted his will, and he opened the door for a brutal attack. I write this while recovering from a horrible injury...'"

There was more, but after spotting the word 'killed' in the mix, Kita looked away and closed the book. Finally, she was starting to get an idea in her head.

"Once again, Kodin is the key," Kita murmured. "Not just to the answers about my sickness, but to getting something from the Zyreans. Since I know the risks, I should be able to avoid..." She hesitated before changing the words. "I should be able to avoid what happened to him."

After taking a deep breath, Kita stored the book away, then walked the final distance to the edge of the eerie red stream. Repeating the process from yesterday, she threw her bag to the opposite bank, picked up Stud, then leaped from stone to stone. Once she reached the other side, she set Stud down and retrieved the bag.

Once he had been set down, Stud was able to speak, "I would say that we should camp on this side, because that cross is nerve-wracking, but I'm terrified of getting shot at."

"O-Oh," Kita stammered. "So am I. Honestly, I'm still not used to your talking, either."

Stud let out a pathetic 'bark' and let his tongue hang out. Kita laughed, feeling a bit less nervous. With him beside her, and her nerves just barely steeled, she began her trek.

As Kita went on, she took extra care not to change direction. Alongside that, she would leave certain markers to tell where she was, such as a small animal's skull and a spiderweb with a berry stuck in it. After a ten-minute walk, more or less, she broke the silence.

"Maybe a different path will lead me to a different place," Kita remarked.

"Hopefully away from the sylph-hating demons," Stud responded.

While Kita wanted to agree with that, she knew better. They would have to confront the demons sooner or later.

"Aaaaaand, she's officially back."

As if on cue, Kita heard that voice and stopped moving. She tried not to move and she looked around, scared of provoking another gunfight.

To her left, there were two demons. She recognized the one with dark blue hair and a golden sword. The other demon was unfamiliar to her, though. He had dark green hair, a vibrant red vest, and a machete at his hip. His standoffish body language, with seafoam-green eyes that practically poured hatred, immediately put Kita on edge.

"Strange, huh?" the blue-haired demon remarked. "Terrified to be here, yet here nonetheless. It's not hard to spook her, either, watch..."

The same demon unsheathed frightening inch-long claws from slits in his fingertips, swiping them toward Kita. Surprised, she gasped and stepped back.

"See, Timbur?!" The blue-haired demon exclaimed. "This can't be something Corelia planned."

Timbur sneered, "It's a pathetic rouse, to make us think she's harmless. She's up to something, and it only spells trouble for us."

"Trouble?" The blue-haired one repeated. "Does that look like a threat to you, even if it did try to fight us? I know everything's scary at your size, but still, we can take her."

"Shut up, Zin," Timbur growled.

Kita tried to speak, "I-I wasn't expecting to see you again. Greetings."

Zin arched one brow. "You should be thinking of one hell of an explanation, unless you want a repeat of yesterday's target practice."

"Why even give her the chance to make a point? Lousy maggot..." Timbur approached her menacingly. "You think you can just walk in here, taunt us, and expect to get away with it? Maybe my idiotic siblings find it funny, but I'm not laughing."

For a moment, Kita was put off. He sounded intimidating, but this man was a couple of inches shorter than her, and relatively thin. It almost made her laugh, but just as fast as she noticed, she realized she didn't want to test a demon regardless.

Stud discreetly nudged her leg. "U-Um, Kita?"

Ignoring him, Kita replied, "I'm not trying to taunt you. You can be logical about this; I'm perfectly aware that have no chance against a demon, so I don't want to start a fight. I have no proper training, no armor, and no one to help me. I do have a small dagger, but-"

Timbur immediately reached for his machete, his lip curling with anger.

"But it's not for people!" Kita said quickly. "I was only planning to use it as a tool, or to ward off forest vermin."

"Vermin, huh?" Timbur muttered. "Funnily enough, that's what I use mine for..." He unsheathed his machete, putting it to her throat. "Want to see how well it works?"

Kita gulped nervously. "N-No, sir. I just want help, and I'll try to do something for you in turn"

Zin laughed, "With no weapons, training, or knowledge? Even if we accepted, what kind of 'help' could you give?"

Timbur edged the blade deeper into her skin. "Exactly. Mortals, you should know, are incredibly easy to kill. Without even knowledge on your side, you really are worthless, and I'm willing to bet no one will miss you if I make my point right now."

Kita gasped when another voice came from behind her.

"Timbur, hold your fire."

Kita slowly turned, until she could just barely see what was there. It blended so well with the shadows that she wondered how long it had been there without her knowledge.

Another unfamiliar demon, only this one looked very menacing. His skin was dust-gray, and his left eye was a vibrant dark blue. Severely chipped animal ears stuck out of his long black hair, which had gray roots and covered the right side of his face. He wore a dark gray shirt with a crimson vest visible at the waist, a black gauntlet on either arm, and black pants. A shortened, jagged, pale gold spear was holstered to his back. He was riddled with scars, with the deepest on his wrists, neck, and the bridge of his nose.

Seeing him, Kita was unnerved, but she quickly began to connect the dots. His voice and wicked aura were the first cues, but then she noticed the scarring on his hand. Burns along the knuckles, a puncture just visible at the wrist, and faded cuts all over. Then, she saw the weapon secured to his thigh by two small gray belts. An intricate silver dagger.

Visibly shaking, Stud whispered, "I tried to warn you."

Kita didn't even hear him, her panicked thoughts repeating, This is him! This is the man I heard, the night before!

The dark demon spoke to the others, "Do not forget that you're under orders."

Zin groaned, "What else are sylphs good for, if not to attack?"

A glare from the one-eyed demon was enough to silence him, make Timbur assume a more respectful stance, and unnerve Kita even more than she already was. She kept her head down, with the inner desire to disappear.

Kita's voice came out as a squeak. "Wh-Who are you?"

"Did you not pick that up in your notes?" The dark demon said almost tauntingly.

Kita didn't know how to respond. The dark demon kept a negative expression, but his words and general behavior were not filled with the eager bloodlust that the others had shown. Even his voice, while blunt and emotionless, sounded rather calm. She read him as a scary character, without a doubt, but not one to run screaming from. Not yet.

Kita gulped, forcing words out. "No. I was just, um..."

The dark demon spoke carelessly, "It's been established what you want -at least, what you claim to want. What you failed to deliver is the reason we should even consider listening to you."

Kita helplessly stammered, "I-I really am trying to distance myself from Sybilius, right now, and I do want help from you."

"Will you shut up with that?" Timbur spat. "No one's buying the 'fleeing a corrupt queen' excuse, and I don't know why he's interested."

The dark demon answered, "Simple; there is still the obvious fact that she's here at all, which is a death sentence as soon as she nears the border, much less crosses it and tries to make conversation with the enemy..." He aimed an almost taunting glare at her. "I believe there may be another problem driving this, but perhaps we've yet to find it."

Kita bit her lip, anxiously thinking, I can't remember exactly what I said to him, but I had to have hinted at my condition. He knows there's more. However, if I say the full story, he'll think I'm crazy. I need to get to a more comfortable place, before I consider bringing that problem to light. I'll stick to Kodin as my main point, just like I planned.

Kita cleared her throat. "I beg your pardon, sir..."

The demon's answer forced Kita to freeze up.

"Name's Leiytning."

Kita thought nervously, Oh gods. He's their leader! This is the same demon that Corelia herself was afraid of! Oh, if I mess up here, I'm doomed!

While she was silent, Timbur argued, "This is too risky to toy around with. Corelia's tried ploys before, and now seems like a good time to be bringing them up again. We can't risk getting caught in any traps. Let's just kill her; better safe than sorry."

Leiytning looked unamused. "I told you to behave. As for your assumption, Corelia's indeed tried a lot of tricks, most of them stupid and predictable. However, what would be the reason for sending this into our territory, especially after the last wanderer we took in? Something tells me Zin was right, and this wasn't on her orders."

Timbur sneered, "Zin was right?"

Zin excitedly pumped his fist. "Yes! Eat it, Timbur!"

Timbur punched him, and Zin responded with a mocking face.

"Her deception is annoying and points to risks," Leiytning said flatly. "However, the obvious rarity of this is hard to ignore, and it requires answers. Mutiny is not a common problem among sylphs, even among the poor and desperate. The way Sybilius is set up and ruled plays a crucial part, but it's also because of simple evolution. Sylphs are pure mortals. In this very broken world, that means they're prey. They clump together and avoid the hunting grounds, especially when it comes to demons."

To Kita's confusion, he grabbed her by the jaw and forced her to look up.

"I shall reluctantly admit, I am also confused by this," the leader muttered. "Is there a reason your eyes are this color, or will that lead to another lie?"

Annoyed, Kita murmured, "I was born, that's the closest to a reason I have."

Leiytning sneered, releasing her. "Don't start getting an attitude with me."

"Start doing that, and I will have you begging for his mercy," Timbur growled.

Zin groaned, "As 'fun' as this has been, we're not getting anywhere!"

"I've already told you everything," Kita insisted.

"Doubtful," Leiytning spat. "Try this; without thinking, tell me how you located the Blood Forest."

Kita blurted, "I took a map. I-It was in a library."

With just one signal, Timbur handed something to Leiytning. Kita was shocked to see him reveal the map -which she didn't even realize was lost until now.

"Admittedly, demons can't read Northern language," Leiytning explained. "However, I've been around long enough to recognize Corelia's signature, and common sense would tell us that she's not in the habit of leaving her official documents in citizen-accessible libraries. Especially not documents having to do with ongoing battles..." One of his unsheathed claws scraped the bottom of the page. "The only labels point to enemy territory."

"Way to be discreet, Corelia," Zin said sarcastically.

Leiytning lowered the map. "Knowing that royal pain in the ass, I still don't believe Corelia sent you here. However, you clearly had access to the Aubade Palace, which is suspicious enough. This, added to the fact that you were just caught in a lie with much simpler pretenses."

"You're not listening, though," Kita replied. "Yes, the palace is its own issue, but you're also comparing me to normal sylphs when I'm not! I'm-"

Before she could react, Leiytning unsheathed his spear and jabbed the blunt end into her stomach, making her gasp and bite her tongue.

He hissed, "I don't care if you're the star of the goddamn freakshow, sylph, and don't try diverting. Your actions thus far have warranted an investigation, but they won't save you from the same fate as the 'normal sylphs' that have been burned or buried in this war."

Kita clenched her fists, but found herself too scared to retort.

Leiytning continued, "People of your ilk never do anything to help, you only manage to find more fascinating ways to screw things up. Now, you can either prove your life is worth more than five minutes of wasted time, or crawl back across that stream like the maggot you are. I'll make it even simpler for you..."

Leaving very little distance between them, Leiytning glowered down at her with hatred prominent in his language. Kita gulped nervously, fearing just one wrong move could provoke another hit -and in this case, her bloody demise.

"Start telling the truth," Leiytning said bitterly.

As she registered her situation, being at the mercy of a monster, Kita felt darkness cornering her vision. It was almost as if she was seeing through tiny tunnels in front of her eyes. Her head felt fuzzy, and no matter how much air she sucked into her lungs, it felt like it wasn't enough. In the back of her mind, she could hear the echoes of the last monster that stood before her, just like this.

"'You will listen to me. You will show me respect.'"

Kita instinctively ducked. As she tucked her arms over her stomach, she felt herself shuddering. She couldn't bring herself to raise her head again. It was taking all her strength just to stop herself from throwing up out of pure fear.

She heard Leiytning mutter, "You mortals are pathetic."

As he took just one step back, Kita finally managed to speak with a wavering voice, "S-Sorry I lied."

"I don't care if you're sorry," Leiytning spat. "Rectify, or face the consequences."

"I stole the map," Kita said weakly. "I got into the palace because I knew someone who worked there, then I snuck into a place I wasn't supposed to be in, and I found the map. I lied because I thought, if you knew I was associated with someone in the palace, then I would be tied to Corelia or someone else you don't like."

"You're associated just by being a sylph!" Timbur argued. "That should be more than enough for us to kill you!"

"Slow down," Leiytning responded. "We obviously need to take everything with a grain of salt, but this does line up better with what we know. If she's finally speaking the truth, we can continue to restrain ourselves."

Timbur's ear twitched with irritation, while Kita let out a quiet breath of relief.

"Nevertheless, this progress can be easily reversed," Leiytning said sharply. "So, mortal, why are you here?"

Kita froze again, practically blurting the word, "Kodin!"

"Kodin?" Zin repeated. "This just got more suspicious."

"What do you know about that?" Timbur interrogated.

"I-I know that he was another fugitive," Kita stammered. He betrayed Corelia, and helped attack her. I doubt I can help with something like that; I'm useless in combat, but I have the same problem, and I'll do something else to help you."

She cringed when Leiytning responded.

"Pity. You know, if you want to lie about a point in history, then you could at least start by knowing the actual story. That, and I thought we covered how bad you are at this."

Zin smirked deviously. "That's strike three, isn't it?"

Kita grew more afraid as Timbur unsheathed his machete, prompting Zin to do the same with his sword. A gesture from Leiytning prevented them from attacking, at least for now.

"It's just as I said, mortal," he spoke carelessly. "Your behavior got some attention, but it's not enough to warrant anything more than that. If this experience doesn't get rid of you for good, I'll play along one more time, but gambling with my patience is not wise. Get it through your skull; you can't fight, and you won't be trusted. Stop whatever it is you're trying to do, here, and tell the damn truth. We both know that it's not Kodin you're here for, nor the war."

Zin chuckled, "You better start running!"

Panicked, Kita turned back and darted away, and with one glance over her shoulder, she saw Leiytning walking away as if nothing had happened at all.


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Mon Feb 26, 2024 5:35 pm
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keeperofgaming wrote a review...



Minor error, you have no quotations here:
"Kita stammered. He betrayed Corelia,"

First Impressions:
Okay, Now I'm certain of it. Kita is half demon. Though now I know that Leiytning and the Conscience are different, so this only emboldens my thoughts.

Characters:
Kita- I like how she bravely confronted the demons and spoke to them confidently. I also enjoy her sassing Leiytning and not immediately trying to flee. It's also interesting that she tried to be more honest while still not explaining everything, but I feel like she should be more honest.

The Conscience- While he wasn't directly in this chapter, I have begun thinking. Previously I stated that he could be Kita's demonic side, and his voice sounds like Leiytning, so maybe, and this is a big maybe, she is Leiytning's daughter. It could be explained, then, why her father hated her so much, because he knew the truth. It would also explain why Corelia was so concerned with her going out, because she doesn't want Kita to become evil. But, it's just a theory, a game theory.

Leiytning- He is interesting to me, his character seems impassive, but he also seemed to regard Kita with more than just a grain of salt. Her eyes were also pointed out, making me think that there is more to this scenario that I don't yet know. Also the fact that apparently, something different than what Correlia mentioned about Kodin happened.

Timbur- He seems hostile but curious. While Kita seemed to thing he wanted to kill her, it seemed a lot more like he wanted to scare her. His behavior is kind of inconsistent with the previous chapter, making me think that he also is interested in Kita.

Zin- I love how he's the loveable idiot of the group. He seems to be kind, but his hatred for Sylph holds that back. He showed the most kindness in assuring that she wouldn't be a threat to calm Timbur, and he even was kind to Kita by letting her know when to run so she could leave.

Stud- He a good boi.

Overall:
I really like how this is going. It's dark, while maintaining a calm demeanor, as opposed to suddenly going overboard into the dark and terror.




RavenAkuma says...


~ Interesting theory!



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Mon Feb 26, 2024 5:35 pm
keeperofgaming says...



Forgot to select review.




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Sat Jan 27, 2024 1:24 am
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dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi Raven. I'm so excited to see what this chapter has in store.

As I'm reading through:

This is a very different start. I really got Sauron vibes from the voices and the eye. Again, this seems different from the original voices in her head. I'm intrigued.

I like that we get to see more about Kodin, though I'm not certain if getting into his mind was meant to reference the voices Kita hears or that they convinced/tricked him into betrayal.

Small mistake when Kita was explaining herself to the demons: "I'm perfectly aware that have no chance against a demon" Missed the 'I' in the middle.

I am a little surprised the reason Kita didn't share her problem was that she believed they would think she was crazy (crazy kind of seems normal to them). At this point I'm more concerned that they will know what is going on and use her to hurt her friends.

Leiytning is different than I was expecting but no less intimidating. I don't really have any comments on their conversation other than it was great and the comparison between Kita's father and the demon interested me. In a lot of ways Leiytning seems much more preferable.

Overall thoughts:

I'm glad you used Timbur here. The sibling interaction really showed off their characters. Leiytning's character was also shown really well. He seems like a good leader and very smart. I honestly like him a lot already and I'd be interested to hear his side of the story.

Last thoughts:

I am a bit surprised that you ended the chapter with Kita running away again. I thought Leiytning was going to capture and interrogate her. But again he gives her the chance to leave. It almost seems like he doesn't want her dead...

I am left tantalized once again! Great job on this chapter. I can't wait to find out what is going on.




RavenAkuma says...


Wow, kudos for catching that typo, I had to reread it to even see the "I" XD Leiytning is probably my secret favorite character, and it may be for a good reason, or it may be that love of antagonists I mentioned before. Who knows? ;)

Lol, anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and review! :)



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Sun Jan 21, 2024 9:17 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi again Raven!

General Impressions and Reactions

I like that Kita’s lie got a bit better/ more elaborated this time. Looks like it’s still not enough for Leiytning though. My guess is she’ll make it on the third try, but I wonder if she’s going to have to go for a radically different method, since so far she’s been building on the same story.

Leiytning continued, "People of your ilk never do anything to help, you only manage to find more fascinating ways to screw things up.

This was an interesting comment! It makes me wonder if the sylphs supposed to be helping the demons in the Blood Forest at some point, but then flaked or there was some sort of betrayal.

As she registered her situation, being at the mercy of a monster, Kita felt darkness cornering her vision. It was almost as if she was seeing through tiny tunnels in front of her eyes. Her head felt fuzzy, and no matter how much air she sucked into her lungs, it felt like it wasn't enough. In the back of her mind, she could hear the echoes of the last monster that stood before her, just like this.
"'You will listen to me. You will show me respect.'"

^This part was scary. It seems Kita will face more challenges dealing with her past even if she gets past the demons’ initial suspicions, since the demons may just talk to her like that anyway.

"Does that look like a threat to you, even if it did try to fight us? I know everything's scary at your size, but still, we can take her."
As an aside, this line from Zin made me laugh xD

Plot

She hesitated before changing the words. "I should be able to avoid what happened to him."

This line was ominous! I like that you’re incorporating a sense of the stakes for Kita’s mission and how the stakes are rising. Now, if Kita fails, not only might she have to deal with her mysterious problem forever or be killed by a demon, there’s the possibility that Corelia, someone who cares for her, may be forced to kill her (at least if I’m interpreting this part right). The dream in the beginning was also interesting. It seems to reflect what’s going on in Kita’s life at present, with the mention of lying. By the description of the eye, I think it has to do with the voice she heard in the beginning of the story rather than her more recent experience.

Prose and Style

Something I think could be improved is perhaps the flow of the dialogue. In this chapter the characters frequently have very long chunks of dialogue, such as:

Leiytning looked unamused. "I told you to behave. As for your assumption, Corelia's indeed tried a lot of tricks, most of them stupid and predictable. However, what would be the reason for sending this into our territory, especially after the last wanderer we took in? Something tells me Zin was right, and this wasn't on her orders."

^ I feel like it might make it flow more naturally if “I told you to behave.” And “As for your assumption . .. “ were separated by a speech tag or some descriptions. As it is it does feel like Leiytning is monologuing, even though he is supposed to be addressing Timbur. Maybe it would also help readers imagine the scene if there were more descriptions of the character’s gestures. For instance, does he point at Kita when he says “this”?

"I stole the map," Kita said weakly. "I got into the palace because I knew someone who worked there, then I snuck into a place I wasn't supposed to be in, and I found the map. I lied because I thought, if you knew I was associated with someone in the palace, then I would be tied to Corelia or someone else you don't like."

^Kita appears to deliver a lot of information in one go. I think it’s believable that she would talk like this uninterrupted, but I feel like it would help me picture her saying this if there were more ‘pauses’ in the writing. Maybe she might check the demons’ expressions midway to see if they believed her, for example. In real life people do have longer pauses in a long ‘turn’ of dialogue like this that, in my opinion, aren’t quite captured by commas and periods alone. That’s just how I felt though!

Characters

Something I liked about this chapter was that the demons’ individual personalities were distinguished more and we get a sense of the relationships they have with each other. Zin and Timbur seem to have a kind of rivalry and they banter between themselves. Leiytning comes across as being the leader with his ability to stop the other two talking. The fact that he’s the one explaining all the flaws in Kita’s reasoning (or what she wants him to believe) also makes it seem like he’s in charge.

Overall

I like the plot and character developments in this chapter. The conversation among the demons and Kita was a little overwhelming at times, but I could get the gist of it as well as see some character traits be shown for the demons. I’m keen to see what Kita will try for her third attempt, and if she’ll succeed.

Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim




RavenAkuma says...


Welcome back, Lim! Good to know that about the dialogue. Glad you enjoyed, thanks for reading/reviewing! :)



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PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello once more, friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.


Per my interpretation, this was really great and a lot of fun to read! It added on to what we already knew while simultaneously giving us new information to play with.

Kita wakes up and hears voices talking to her, trying to warn her of something, but she just brushes it off, thankful she made it to morning. Not too long after, she crosses to the other side of the river, quickly stumbling into demons and trying to convince them not to kill her. After a bit of back-and-forth with the leader, Kita was eventually let go and ran away, heading back to the normal side of the river.

There was a lot to unpack in this chapter, along with a few new characters that were certainly interesting in the small roles they played.


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would just be a couple small things. One is something that I have a question about, and the other is just a small error on the editing side of things.

The thing I have a question about comes from the beginning of the story, when Kita wakes up. You state,

Where she was supposed to see the overhead branches of the forest, she now saw a cloudy dun sky. She quickly sat up, but could only see fog.


The question is: How could she see the sky if she couldn't even see what was around her?

This is a very miniscule thing, but it's just something that caught my attention, and I wanted to say maybe that could be changed a little to make some more sense on the reader side of things.

And the editing thing was in a few parts, but I'm just going to use one for this example.

It seemed there were parts where you forgot to add spaces like this:

Timbur sneered, "Zinwas right?"


I definitely think there should be a space between "Zin" and "was," but this is an easy fix that just requires a quick look-over before posting.

But, obviously, these are just suggestions, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, there would be multiple! This was a longer chapter, and with that came a few things I really enjoyed!

The first thing I really liked was right at the beginning of the story, when the voices were talking to Kita. Specifically, one line they said that I really enjoyed was:

There are creatures out there that use the most convincing masks.


I don't really know what to expect, but I feel like this is kind of foreshadowing, and a lot of interesting things could come from it! Maybe she meets someone who seems nice but ends up going against her, or something of that nature. Who knows? But I thought this was a great quote, and I am looking forward to what comes from it!

Another thing I thought was really cool was when Kita made it across the river and had to come up with a way to mark where she was and where she had been.

Alongside that, she would leave certain markers to tell where she was, such as a small animal's skull and a spiderweb with a berry stuck in it.


This not only shows how Kita is still thinking somewhat logically during all of this, but it also shows how eerie the environment was—the fact that she was using skulls and spiderwebs to mark where she was. It kind of shows that there was nothing else around but very creepy things, which definitely adds to that spooky feeling.

The last thing I want to pick out from this chapter is the very end, when Kita was running away from the demons.

Panicked, Kita turned back and darted away, and with one glance over her shoulder, she saw Leiytning walking away as if nothing had happened at all.


This quote not only does a good job of showing Kita's resiliance but also shows Leiyning's power and slight humanity. It captures how Leiytning views Sylphs and how he thinks he is significantly above them without outright saying it, which is really awesome, so kudos to you for being able to do that!


Overall, this was a lot of fun to read and absolutely added to and furthered the main conflict. I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next one and the way it hopefully builds upon what happened in this one. You've done a phenomenal job so far, and I really appreciate you putting your work out there!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




RavenAkuma says...


Ah, thank you for pointing out that inconsistency and error! I'm glad you enjoyed, and thanks for leaving a review! :)




Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
— Russell Brand