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12+ Violence

One my day.

by Ram Hood 001


One my day.

Today is the best day in my life/ I have got a birthday!!! The father gave me a big present in the morning. It’s beautiful box with a tape. There were a lot of toys/ the best toy was a plane. My dad knows that I like aircrafts and he always buys it for me. Then father said: - you are already big boy and we will go to ride a car all day. It was cool. The father promised that would be funny/ we went to the café, I ordered of fancy donuts and potatoes.

Then dad said that he should visit my old friends and told them how I am a big boy already. At first we went to my uncle. Dad said – you will remember his. I remembered him. It was my doctor, but now he doesn’t treat me. He was very busy. But dad said that I’ve my birthday. And the doctor was smiling. Dad told him to dance because the day is very joyful. The doctor danced so funny, I clapped my hands with my dad. But then the doctor said that he was tired and he asked forgiveness. My dad forgave his and started to throw tomatoes at him. It was very funny. Then we went to some old woman. She didn’t recognize us and I didn’t recognize her too. Dad introduced her; she was Mrs. Magpie, my kindergarten teacher. Dad told her don’t make noise and only to dance or recite a rhyme. I remembered her at once. She is a bad woman and beat me on the head and told other boys and girls to beat me on the head. I don't like being hit on the head. Again my dad threw tomatoes and said that the woman was already tired and lets her to sleep as the doctor. We went again to the café.

It’s already late. I added a diary for today. Dad said to stop writing and congratulated me again and said that I’m twenty years old. He put a black thing in the closet that funny throws tomatoes. Only one piece of bad news today. They announced on the radio – that some men killed a good people in our city.


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Thu Jan 09, 2020 5:54 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hello! Glad to see your post here. What a cool short story! The idea behind the whole thing is very fascinating. It leaves a lot for the reader to contemplate, which is nice because it is a brain exercise.

You did well keeping your narrative moving and not dwelling for a unnecessarily long time on any one detail of the story. As mentioned in other reviews, some spacing in the second paragraph would be good, mostly just to make it easier to read. For example, one of the best things to try would be starting a new paragraph whenever the narrative moves to discussing a new person - like one paragraph for the part about the doctor, another for the part about the old woman.

Overall, this is good! Congratulations on your progress with learning the English language. I know it can be tough and weird sometimes. :) Your spelling is good, and you do pretty well with knowing the meaning of the words you want to use. Keep up the good work! :)




Ram Hood 001 says...


Thanks you. I will definitely try to apply your advice.



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Thu Jan 09, 2020 5:36 am
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tgham99 wrote a review...



This was a very interesting story to read through, and I'm getting the feeling that both the characters and the context of the story each carry a certain symbolism -- as @Rascalover mentioned in their review, the actual tomatoes themselves appear to be a metaphor for something more sinister, but I like that you seem to have left the piece up to interpretation.

For someone who is making their way through the labyrinth that is the English language, you have a good grasp of spelling and grammar basics, so I won't harp too much on some details in this area that @Anamel has already gone over in their review.

In my personal opinion, I think that a little bit of spacing in between the sentences in the second paragraph would have been useful; it's more difficult for readers to keep up with large chunks of text (for the most part). I would have also liked to see some more detail on all of the characters -- why is the dad the way that he is? How does the narrator feel about the way that their birthday has gone?

Since it's a short story, I know that it's difficult to fit a lot of character development into just a few hundred or thousand words, so I completely understand why you left it more open-ended. I hope to read more of your writing in the future, though, and hopefully we'll get to see a continuation of this particular birthday.. :D




Ram Hood 001 says...


Thank you for your review. This story has no expansion. The story is over. I hope you will continue to read my stories. I will try to do quality



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Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:40 am
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey!

I don't really have a review, but I am curious. The story eludes that the young man is mentally delayed by the way he speaks and how he describes his surroundings. I am confused on what tomatoes are suppose to represent. I am assuming they represent something dangerous and the dad used them kill people in the town with, but the only thing I could think of was maybe a grenade?

This was really interesting though because of the point of view you wrote it from. I would love to see a short story from the dad's point of view.

Thanks for the great read,
<3 Rascalover




Ram Hood 001 says...


Thank you for your comment. So what about tomatoes? The truth is near)



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Sun Jan 05, 2020 2:16 pm
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Anamel wrote a review...



The writing of this was really surreal and its oddness made me keep reading. It was surprising to see it was narrated by a twenty-year-old as he has the mindset of a young, erratic child. It made me wonder if he has a disability. I haven't read any stories before with the main character being a young adult with a child's mind so that would be cool. I notice how the main character keeps saying he is a big boy and his father is telling him that too. It also makes it seem like his father knows that he is mentally ill. The entire story is really childlike as he meets his kindergarten teacher too. It was fun to read even though the flow seemed kinda skippy.

"The father gave me a big present in the morning. It’s beautiful box with a tape."

I suggest just taking "the" out before the word father and just saying father or my father instead. Because then it sounds like they aren't related.

"There were a lot of toys/ the best toy was a plane."
I also am wondering if the / is intentional in all of these sentences, like if it's a style or just a grammar mistake. If it's a mistake then just put a : instead if you're listing an item or "and" between them.

" I ordered of fancy donuts and potatoes."
Take "of" out of this sentence.

"Then dad said that he should visit my old friends and told them how I am a big boy already."
It's really interesting and makes me curious why suddenly the main character goes from referring him to father now to only strictly dad.

"I clapped my hands with my dad."
This is another example of how the people around him are doing childish things for him to make him happy. Also seems like he's disabled still.

The ending was really odd considering the rest of the story was joyful and erratic. It would be interesting if this story was continued.




Ram Hood 001 says...


Wow! Thank you so much for your feedback. I apologize for the mistakes. I started learning English recently. I would be very grateful if you can give your opinion in the future. The ending explains the strangeness of the story.



Anamel says...


No problem! You're amazing at English already, I've been studying Spanish off and on for more than seven months and I still barely know anything lol




The important thing is never to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein