Young Writers Society

Hi,
I love the developing of the poem here. It was a little different from what I'd expected and that is a good thing as a writer. You did a good job on that.

***

I have some comments about the awkwardness of the sentences lines--the moments they are up and the moments they are below seemed so abrupt. As the previous reviewer had commented on punctuation affected the flows of the poem, I don't think reviewing it in a little bit more depth would hurt (although it would make me a little nitpicky, but try to ignore it.)

And more and more
I feel that the silence is breathing
The fragile rib cage that is the world
Thrumming
With an unheard pulse

Footsteps echo
On the hardwood floor we put in last year
And I'm halfway to the door to greet you
Before I realise that it's the beating
Of my own restless heart

Footsteps echo
On the hardwood floor we put in last year
And I'm halfway to the door to greet you
Before I realise that it's the beating
Of my own restless heart

Hey Falconer! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this was a really strong piece. The tone is melancholy and the imagery is strong and contributes to that atmosphere. The message is clear and I can really feel the speaker's emotions.

One thing I want to touch on is punctuation. I assume not using any was intentional, but I feel like that made it hard to read. I think adding punctuation would improve the flow of the piece, but it's up to you.

And more and more

I feel that the silence is breathing

The fragile rib cage that is the world

Thrumming

With an unheard pulse

And morning silence was always different

I really enjoyed reading this piece. My reviews tend to be a little more scattered than a point by point analysis so bear with me. I thought that your word choice was great and the execution was great. Using a more dynamic language can often make someone sound pretentious or just like they're trying too hard but I think you did a good job with it. I really liked the little twist you did, transforming what is thought to be footsteps into a heartbeat. I had to reread that part again for it to take full effect and I kinda of was like 'awww' because I mean, everyone has felt that kind of sinking feeling. I think that this really puts into words exactly what it is to lose someone but it ranges further than just a breakup. It can be read as a perspective of someone who's had a loved one die, waiting for their footsteps to be heard again, only to find that it was nothing at all. You really emphasized well, what it is when our brains get so used to hearing something or doing something that completely hinges on another person, and then that person not being there anymore. I would say that the flow of the poem could be tweaked a little bit, but the content over all is fantastic and the execution was done nicely as well.