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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 13.2

by Que


Mia's eyes sparked dangerously. "I knew it," she breathed, "I knew there was something more to it all."

"It's been going on for longer than you'd think," Uncle Fred said heavily. "Your grandmother didn't start it. She, like you, was just beginning to realize our history. And we aren't the only ones. There are others-"

"There's the road!" Monica cried, pointing dead ahead. There was a significant height difference between the dirt road and the highway, and everyone except Fred braced themselves for impact. My mother's car! Finnley yelled inwardly, squeezing his eyes shut and preparing to hear the crunch of metal. With a great heave, the car plowed forward, up and over the bump. Then the car promptly died.

Finnley let himself open his eyes. The car had come out perpendicular to the highway, and was now lying across the road, blocking both lanes. And far on the left, a glimmer of headlights coming towards them.

"Come on," Fred muttered, turning the key again and again. "Come on!"

"It's a truck!" Mia said, fear finally entering her voice. Finnley pinched himself. If this wasn't a dream, what sort of madness was it? His terror and anxiety were building up inside of him, rising like an unstoppable tidal wave. He looked at his faint reflection in the window; he was pale and wide eyed, hair tousled and clothes rumpled. Shakily, he looked away, but his other view was not better in the least.

"Uncle Fred, start the car!" Mia screamed. She braced herself against the door, ready to leap out and abandon the car to the wrath of the oncoming truck.

"I'm not giving up on this car," Finnley said through gritted teeth. It was only after he said that that he realized he truly meant it. Without wasting another second, he shoved open the door and dashed to the front of the car. Fred turned the key again, and Mia stared at him in wide-eyed shock. "Come on you car," Finnley muttered. "Get us out of here!" He gave the hood a mighty thump, and when Fred turned the key one last time, the engine began to shudder to a start, the noise growing to a defiant roar.

"Finnley! Back in the car!" Fred commanded with enough volume to rival the newly started car. The truck's horn began to blare and the headlights were rushing ever closer. Finnley snapped back to the present and darted to his still-open door, throwing himself inside and slamming it shut behind him. Without waiting for everyone to be buckled, Fred floored the pedal once more and the passengers were nearly thrown against each other with the force of his turn, but they were safe in the proper lane once again.

Finnley and Mia were breathing heavily, and they exchanged glances of relief as the truck sped past. Monica had been holding onto the handle in the ceiling with a kind of grim certainty. Finnley didn't blame her; the truck had been bearing down on her side. Now that the present danger had passed, however, their attention was turned back to the task at hand.

"How's that demon looking, Finnley?" Uncle Fred asked, though he was already continuing his wild drive back to their hometown.

Finnley, having completely forgotten his task in all the insanity, stuck his head out the window. What he saw made his heart stutter. "I- I can't see it anymore."

If it were at all possible, Fred appeared to be driving faster. He didn't look away from the road, and his shoulders were pulled in towards the steering wheel, his back not even touching the seat. "That means it's ahead of us," he said grimly.

"That's our exit," Mia called, pointing towards the turn they should take. Fred pulled towards it without question. "That means we're close to home."

Finnley felt cold all over. "And if we're close..."

"That means the demon's probably already there," Monica finished. She glanced sidelong at Finnley, but he focused on what he could see through the window. The streets flew by, and Finnley could've sworn he saw the school, with some girls in brightly colored dresses standing outside of it. How could they be doing something so simple and so stupid when such terrible things were going on?

Fred was turning without help from Mia now, his old memories coming back as he headed towards the place that was once his home. It wasn't until they turned down Mia's street that he saw it.

"No!" Mia screamed, though Fred remained stoically silent, though his jaw was locked. Finnley and Monica both cried out at the sight. There were holes in the roof and some rubble in the street. Black smoke rose in thick, silent droves from all open places. Mia's house was burning.

Uncle Fred drove as close as he dared, them screeched to a halt. Mia was the first to get out of the car, vaulting from her seat and shoving the door open. Her cheeks glistened with tears. "Mia!" Finnley called, scrambling for the door handle and chasing after her. Fred was just a heartbeat behind them. The front door was missing, but wasn't burning, so Mia went straight in. Inside the kitchen, and most of the living room too, the demon was standing in front of Mia's parents, who were pressed up against each other and the wall.

"Mom! Dad!" she cried, running into the room. Finnley started to call after her, but a large hand covered his mouth. It was Fred, telling him to be dead silent. The demon breathed fire, sealing the entrance to the foyer, trapping Mia as well as her parents. Fred pulled Finnley back into the shadows of the staircase, where Monica was waiting.

"What do we do now?" Finnley breathed. In answer, Uncle Fred held up his gun.

"We shoot it," he said with a steel hard determination.

"But how? And what about Mia and her parents?" Finnley demanded.

"There's a heart in that demon," Fred replied, tapping his own chest with two fingers, just above the heart. "The rest is all smoke and ashes, but that heart? It's pure flame."

"How do we get to it?"

It was Monica who answered. "That's where I come in." 


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Sun Feb 04, 2018 9:49 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia. Dropping in again.

"There's the road!" Monica cried, pointing dead ahead. There was a significant height difference between the dirt road and the highway, and everyone except Fred braced themselves for impact. My mother's car! Finnley yelled inwardly


I've mentioned this a few times, but it is a consistent issue in your work that you never seem to pick a specific viewpoint to tell a chapter from, which can make it harder for me to sink into the story. Here, you mention that everyone except Fred braced themselves for impact, which suggests a degree of awareness about all of the characters, even though the next sentence dips into Finnley's internal thoughts, which suggests it's specifically grounded in his point of view. It's sort of interesting, because I've actually recently been studying the theory behind how readers manage to 'enter' the world of the story, and a lot of it seems to be to do with establishing who the events of the story are positioned around and how they perceive them. The kind of inconsistencies in perspective that crop up in your work seem to explain why I sometimes feel a bit detached from it; I can't latch onto a particular viewpoint and figure out how to align myself.

With a great heave, the car plowed forward, up and over the bump. Then the car promptly died.


Oh man, Finnley is so screwed. His mum's understanding, but I think this might push even sweet Mrs Bale to her limit.

"I'm not giving up on this car," Finnley said through gritted teeth. It was only after he said that that he realized he truly meant it. Without wasting another second, he shoved open the door and dashed to the front of the car.


Why, though? This seems like a bit of an idiotic move. Much as you might want to save the car, surely it's not worth getting smashed to bits by a truck? I can't believe the others wouldn't drag him away from it, as well. Especially Uncle Fred. I mean, come on, man. You're all the adult supervision these kids have got - at least take enough responsibility to stop them from becoming roadkill.

Mia was the first to get out of the car, vaulting from her seat and shoving the door open. Her cheeks glistened with tears


Would she even be crying at this stage? I feel like she'd be so stunned and disbelieving that she would barely even be able to process that it was happening. It's not a major issue, but people do talk about being 'too shocked to cry' quite a lot, don't they?

Fred was just a heartbeat behind them. The front door was missing, but wasn't burning, so Mia went straight in. Inside the kitchen, and most of the living room too, the demon was standing in front of Mia's parents, who were pressed up against each other and the wall.

"Mom! Dad!" she cried, running into the room. Finnley started to call after her, but a large hand covered his mouth. It was Fred, telling him to be dead silent. The demon breathed fire, sealing the entrance to the foyer, trapping Mia as well as her parents. Fred pulled Finnley back into the shadows of the staircase, where Monica was waiting.


Where's the description of the heat? The smell? This scene definitely needs more fleshing out, sense-wise. It always floors me when I realise just how hot fire is. I went to a show just over a week ago and they had some pyrotechnics on the stage, and even though I was probably about 20 feet from the flames - which also happened to be intermittent - I still ended up really sweating. Fire is hot. Fire is searingly hot. Finnley should be feeling that, and the smoke would get right in his throat. Not to mention he'd probably barely be able to see.

I'm also struggling to picture where Finnley is. Did he actually run into the building as well? Or was it only Mia who went inside? I don't get how Monica got here, either.

It was Monica who answered. "That's where I come in."


Ahh, so I guess this is the big reveal with Monica? I'm looking forward to finding out what it is, though I still definitely think that this would be much more of a wham line if you hadn't been quite as free with your hints up to this point.

Well, that's all for this chapter. This was definitely much more enjoyable than the last one, but there's still a lot of viewpoint inconsistencies and I wasn't sure about the realism of Finnley trying to preserve the car. The whole bit with the truck felt like it was just drama for the sake of drama; it didn't really affect the plot much, beyond slowing them down so the demon could get ahead, and I think you could easily have it go out of sight and overtake them without needing such a drastic distraction. Still, it was pretty exciting on the whole, and I didn't guess that the demon would cause this much destruction. How the heck is Finnley going to explain any of this to his mother? Or is she finally going to learn the truth as well?

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:02 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



AWESOME, Monica finally gets to shine. I'm excited to see where this goes next.

You did a much better job with suspense and emotion in this chapter - even before I got to the part where the demon had destroyed Mia's house and threatened her parents, I really felt how dangerous a situation the whole thing was. I kind of had to laugh at how Finnley was so scared but at the same time was like, "No way am I letting my mom's car get destroyed just because I might lose my life to this demon. She'd kill me." It fit, though. I think that's the sort of thing a teenager absolutely would worry about, even in the midst of some serious danger.

(It is true that if you return from danger most parents will go, "Are you okay???" but then the moment they find out you're not hurt, they'll go, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??? You are in biiiiiiiig trouble, mister!")

Two things about this chapter.

1. Watch out for filler language. You used "was doing" several times instead of "did" - which sometimes does make more sense or flow better, but I think you might have used it a little too much in this chapter. Specifically, "were breathing heavily" sort of bugged me. I mean, I'm sure they have been and still are, but "breathed heavily" might be better. Your choice.

2. This logic totally confused me.

"I- I can't see it anymore."

If it were at all possible, Fred appeared to be driving faster. He didn't look away from the road, and his shoulders were pulled in towards the steering wheel, his back not even touching the seat. "That means it's ahead of us," he said grimly.

"That's our exit," Mia called, pointing towards the turn they should take. Fred pulled towards it without question. "That means we're close to home."

Finnley felt cold all over. "And if we're close..."

"That means the demon's probably already there," Monica finished.


Mainly what confused me is: why does the demon being out of sight automatically mean the demon is ahead of them? It could have turned tail and backtracked while they weren't paying attention, it could have hidden somewhere, like there are just so many options here. I realize it's out for revenge or whatever, so it makes sense that it did go on to Mia's house, but I don't follow the logic that they automatically assume it got ahead of them.

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Que says...


Ah. My logic is basically that since Fred has been driving like a maniac to keep pace with the demon (barely), when they waste a few minutes in front of the truck, the demon's had time to keep going. The demon isn't really afraid of them, which is why it wouldn't double back or hide, and if they can't see it in the skies it's probably dropped down lower. Thanks for the review!



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Sun Aug 20, 2017 9:03 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review!

All in all, this chapter is solid, as usual. I like how you keep the suspense of the driving by giving them a few moments of having a dead car. It also gives focus on Finnley and how you show his determination, which is not as fiery as Mia, but is still tangible and delivered in a clear Finnley way. There's still vulnerabilities behind it, and I like that.

I also like the twist at the end when the demon goes straight for Mia's house and we are kept in suspense by how her family's fate is put into risk. And this is multiplied by how Mia is put into the bunch, going straight into the demon's territory to get into her family. It's understandable how she doesn't think before she acts, and as we read further we could see this is built for something new.

I like how the chapter is going to focus on Monica because she's going to be the one who's going to approach the demon. It makes her involvement in all of this less of a coincidence and more intentional, and it seems like Uncle Fred knows what she is with how confident he is about the killing demon part. I'm interested to see Monica in action, so the chapter ends with a successful note of things getting more exciting.

And that is all! Keep up the good job! :D




Que says...


Wow, thank you so much for the review! :)




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