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Poem Jumble Review Whichever One You Want

by QueenShadowGem


Just bliss....

honing my skills

expectations rise

into stone hills

as i make the prize

for waking up again

and here it is

look at how it spins

just pertpetual bliss

grounds stirred in

gentle like snow on a lake

bury the whole boat its fake

stirring in powder clouds

imagining im performing

in front of crowds

and they roar as i add

one cube of sweet

into the mix

look at this

perpetual bliss

i dont even care my

hairs not combed

i dont care that im

not well dressed

i have the goblet

with the nectar of life

and the crowd can just wish

in vain hoping to be the same

but no the coffee

is mine today

and if they try to take my throne

they can eat my fist

ah, perpetual bliss.....

As The Sun Goes Down Over Her

deep green vines try to choke

the little light inside her soul

growing envy- growing doubt

showing flowers from without

pick one and take it for yourself

so she lives on- when the light goes out

smothering vines block out her hope

love and kindness swatted away

those vines trap her- inside herself

when all the others play

sick vines tendrils sway

and she knows- she cant escape

strict vines control her days

and guide her as

she falls down-

lay down

little girl

and go

to sleep

no one

will weep

for you....

the red sun rises up- in the clouds

and we know blood was spilt

but the vines were wrong

even though they were

stout- little girl i weep

for you, the sunset

on your- dying day

was just as

beautiful

as you

little girl- the vines were wrong

and I'd love to keep the

flower- you gave to me

but instead I'll plant it

for- you deserve to

live on past me

with no vines

to strangle

you.

spinning islands in a sea of color

turning tides in a calm ocean

undercurrents no one flees

warm and open expanse

broken only by the pangea

of snowwymountaintops

ever changing

ticking of a clock as i watch

the pangea break apart forming seperate

continents in the once smooth sea

i think i've spotted africa i watch it float away

dissipating to the walls it must now be on the

other side of the globe - was that europe

what an odd direction for it to float

the rest dissapear in a

whirpool

and as the clock chimes i take a deep breath

from pondering steep inclines and

instinct and death, and ponder things anew

new species new forms of the old

new life - whoops

my coffee is cold

who knew you could find a

round earth on the flat surface

and steep hills like a mt. everest

inside the depths of coffee

and your mind.

Dissapate

what if the world is a marble and hope is just a dream

and reality is a cardboard box inside a screen

and all of us are just paper airplanes in a stream

how long can we pretend to be boats before we sink

and what is reality if it isnt real at all

and what is morality when none can stand tall

dreams are just rubberbands bounced off a wall one to many times

suddenly the rubber thinks it can fly and it soars high

until it hits the marble and they both clatter to cold empty floors

cold floors are the trecherous hate and the deppressive state

of the world and flood waters come in and knock down the door

paper bags and shotguns and old hotel soaps

bublegum and notepads and fires unstoked

silouettes and barbiedolls without faces or shoes

everything oh everything thats tired of being used

boots with holes garden gnomes tired old tropes

basketballs nuses and swings with breaking ropes

bad dreams and prom queens and made up games

pop machines evil queens and uncalled for rage

what the hell is even happening these days

what are you supposed to do when you cant even

tie your shoe without being called out and how are

you supposed to live when you can even hear

yourself over the echoes of the world to scream

when you just want to shout people see a rubber

duck floating in the water in your bath and when

they were spying you're the one whos bad

they shoot the duck and take a semi truck over

your path just because they can because thats

the way we live now

undisirably here

im stable in my instability

im indistructable as i self destruct

im so obviously imperfect it sucks

but i'm still alive and moderately

well as i live on in this shell


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121 Reviews


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Reviews: 121

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Sun Jan 31, 2021 10:46 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there, Gem! I'm reviewing 'As The Sun Goes Down Over Her' in this one. This seems to be a poem about some kind of internal conflict, represented first by the vines and then the continents breaking apart, only to come back to a single cup of coffee. It's an interesting piece for sure and feels like a stream-of-consciousness. Now, I'm not sure if you meant these to be one poem, actually, because they appear to be about two different topics, but I'll try to focus on specific images and lines so you can still get something out of this even if I've interpreted it incorrectly.

Language

the red sun rises up- in the clouds
and we know blood was spilt


I like the use of colour to convey emotion and meaning in this part. A "red sun" makes me think of guilt and tragedy, which is then confirmed by the "blood" in the next line. It halso makes a good contrast with "deep green vines".

the vines were wrong
even though they were
stout


I'm not really sure about the choice of 'stout' here. For me, stout kind of implies something thick but short, like a barrel, and these vines probably aren't short? I'm poking through Thesaurus now, and I think maybe "staunch" or "tough" might be more suitable here. :)

The use of specific verbs, and action verbs no less, to describe the sea was really vivid, for example "spinning islands" and "broken only by the pangea".

Structure

growing envy- growing doubt
showing flowers from without


At first, there seem to be rhyming couplets every so often. I can't quite find a regular pattern for these. Instead, they seem to occur whereever a rhyming word so happens to fit the context, which can work for a poem if you want.

and go
to sleep
no one
will weep


i take a deep breath
from pondering steep inclines and
instinct and death, .. .


My favourite bits of rhyme though, were the ones that were slipped in there, either as a rhyme within the line (and not at the end of a line as in "doubt/without"). Maybe because these are free verse poems that are a bit run-on and dream-like, the less structured rhymes somehow seem to fit the overall style better and act as nice surprises that emphasise important parts of the poem, such as the girl's seeming death in that first one.

those vines trap her- inside herself

when all the others play

sick vines tendrils sway

and she knows- she cant escape


The dashes in these lines create a staccato rhythm for me by dividing a longer line into short breathless chunks. I love how you play with punctuation here, as it makes this particular stanza stand out, almost like a turning point.

Miscellaneous

I just find it interesting that the title has traditional capitalisation, but the poem is written entirely in small letters. It makes me wonder if that's the style you generally adopt or if there's a specific reason for this.

That's all

Hopefully you'll find these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim






:> thank you



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Wed Jan 20, 2021 11:33 pm
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yumi wrote a review...



undisirably here-or, as I call it, permanently f***** up, isolated, and alone. Or, at least such is my takeaway from the beautiful short poem I read. Anyone who writes this well must have a beautiful soul, a bruised flower needing watering and nurturing care to fully bloom. You are an indescribably beautiful enigma, a mystery encased in a shell which only needs to be broken open to expose your gloriousness in sunlight-your words alone are dazzlingly brilliant, as a sentient Queen's dress that is convinced it must be a pile of filthy rags. The words of an Injured Goddess, worthy of admiration and respect.
You said to pick ONE POEM to review, so I did, and here it is-what a tasty little treat that was!






<3333 Thank you



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Wed Jan 20, 2021 11:27 pm
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EtherealGarbage wrote a review...



Hey there!

I'll tackle some of these starting with numero uno:

honing my skills

expectations rise

into stone hills

as i make the prize


So, here "rising" I don't really get paired with "hills" as I think hills are formed through erosion of large landforms, moving of sediment via glaciers, or faulting (which is when two blocks move near each other. Like during an earthquake I believe.) Not saying you have to go and change everything, but "rising" might not be best there.

Oh I see something here:
one cube of sweet


This is supposed to mean sugar and the "goblet / with the nectar of life" is to describe coffee, right? If so, I totally agree there. I can't even imagine what I'd be like without my coffee, and I don't like thinking about it.

Moving on:
im stable in my instability
im indistructable as i self destruct
im so obviously imperfect it sucks
but i'm still alive and moderately
well as i live on in this shell


It's pretty common to see contradicting statements like this in poetry, but I can't say it is something I don't like. You've captured it nicely, and it feels pretty good and not thrown together really quickly.

And this is also personal, so I can't go and say anything about that, as I am not you. I'm glad you are comfortable enough to share it here.

Good job!

Best,
Max






Thank you. <3




Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb