Hi there, Gem! I'm reviewing 'As The Sun Goes Down Over Her' in this one. This seems to be a poem about some kind of internal conflict, represented first by the vines and then the continents breaking apart, only to come back to a single cup of coffee. It's an interesting piece for sure and feels like a stream-of-consciousness. Now, I'm not sure if you meant these to be one poem, actually, because they appear to be about two different topics, but I'll try to focus on specific images and lines so you can still get something out of this even if I've interpreted it incorrectly.
Language
the red sun rises up- in the clouds
and we know blood was spilt
I like the use of colour to convey emotion and meaning in this part. A "red sun" makes me think of guilt and tragedy, which is then confirmed by the "blood" in the next line. It halso makes a good contrast with "deep green vines".
the vines were wrong
even though they were
stout
I'm not really sure about the choice of 'stout' here. For me, stout kind of implies something thick but short, like a barrel, and these vines probably aren't short? I'm poking through Thesaurus now, and I think maybe "staunch" or "tough" might be more suitable here.
The use of specific verbs, and action verbs no less, to describe the sea was really vivid, for example "spinning islands" and "broken only by the pangea".
Structure
growing envy- growing doubt
showing flowers from without
At first, there seem to be rhyming couplets every so often. I can't quite find a regular pattern for these. Instead, they seem to occur whereever a rhyming word so happens to fit the context, which can work for a poem if you want.
and go
to sleep
no one
will weep
i take a deep breath
from pondering steep inclines and
instinct and death, .. .
My favourite bits of rhyme though, were the ones that were slipped in there, either as a rhyme within the line (and not at the end of a line as in "doubt/without"). Maybe because these are free verse poems that are a bit run-on and dream-like, the less structured rhymes somehow seem to fit the overall style better and act as nice surprises that emphasise important parts of the poem, such as the girl's seeming death in that first one.
those vines trap her- inside herself
when all the others play
sick vines tendrils sway
and she knows- she cant escape
The dashes in these lines create a staccato rhythm for me by dividing a longer line into short breathless chunks. I love how you play with punctuation here, as it makes this particular stanza stand out, almost like a turning point.
Miscellaneous
I just find it interesting that the title has traditional capitalisation, but the poem is written entirely in small letters. It makes me wonder if that's the style you generally adopt or if there's a specific reason for this.
That's all
Hopefully you'll find these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
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