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Young Writers Society



Reality Chapter 3

by TheWeirdoFromBeyond


Note- This is an edited version. 

I stared at my parents in disbelief. My mom's sea green eyes were filled with tears and my dad was looking everywhere in the room but not towards me. 

I felt so upset and shocked. How could they have hid such a big thing from me? I didn't know what to say. I tried to find my voice and said, "Why didn't my... biological parents raise me." I was about to say 'real', but I thought it would sound mean, after all, I never actually felt that I wasn't their daughter. 

"Your parents died about a year after you were born. You would be in danger if anyone found out that you were not our actual daughter. So only a few very trustworthy people know it." My dad said without meeting my eyes.

I had so many questions but I tried to think of what to say next. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"We didn't want to raise questions about your parents' death and also we wanted you to have a normal life. Imagine knowing that we are not your parents but being forbidden to say anything to your best friends. We knew that we would have to tell you one day and you would have to make your choice but until then we wanted you to live a normal life." My dad answered me. Clearly, he thought the day had come too soon.

I looked at my best friends beside me and they had the same look of uncertainty.

I turned back to my parents and said, "How did my parents die?" Cleo, who was standing on the other side of the room answered my question, "We will tell you that later, but first, there is something else you need to know."

"A magical world exists around us." The stranger said. "We exist in every part of the world, every city, town, village has at least one family of our kind. But we need to also make sure no one hurts anyone with superpowers. So we have a secret society. It's like a government. It also has an elder council. The best wizard or witch of every country is part of the elder council. There are 195 people right now, excluding the head of the secret society, which is the most powerful wizard of the world. Your father, Daniel Hart, was the council head before he passed away."

"But as you know, good also comes with bad." My father continued. "The bad ones are known as hollows. The worst hollow is Andromeda. She wanted what every hollow wants, their rule over ours. Andromeda had some sense. She knew as long as Daniel led us it would be very hard for her to take over. He was the only wizard she ever feared. So she turned his own people against him by setting up fake evidence that he was a Hollow. Every wizard was intend to kill him. He had to go into hiding with all those who supported him, which was not a large number."

"But if he was so powerful, why did he go into hiding?" Hanna cut in.

"He couldn't harm them, or he would actually turn into a hollow." The stranger said. "He was caught and everyone who supported him was sent to the North Dungeons." 

"What's that?" I was expecting the stranger to be frustrated with us cutting in every few minutes. But his voice was unchanged when he answered. 

"A magical prison. There are four parts to the prison, North, South, East and West which together make the Spider's prison."

"And soon the secret society realized their mistake when Andromeda arrived with all her forces at the headquarters's door. We wouldn't be here if your mother hadn't cast that protective enchantment. She saw that we had no chance to defeat her, and she wanted you to grow up in a world not controlled by hollows. But to do so she had to cast a large amount of magic, much more than possible for a normal witch or wizard because magic causes stress. By the time the protective enchantment had died out, more than half of her army was dead and we had lost only a few people thanks to the protective enchantment." 

'Andromeda challenged  Daniel to a duel. Andromeda was badly injured by the end and so was your father. Andromeda fled with her remaining army. Your father too, had cast more magic then his body could tolerate. In the end, both of your parents couldn't make it so we raised you and your paternal aunt and uncle raised Scylla."

"Who is Scylla?" I asked. My parents looked at each other with uncertainty. A feeling of Deja Vu swept over me.

"Your twin sister." 

"What?" Now I was definitely going to lose it. "Is there anything else you would like to shock me with?" But at this, I kind of felt excited. A twin sister sounded cool. I wondered if she was being told all this or she already knew.

"Yes, there is a lot you need to know so let's continue our story." The stranger continued. "The society searched every corner on Earth in within a week but couldn't find Andromeda. To calm people and to make them trust the society, they had to make a statement that Andromeda was gone for good." 

"Everyone celebrated but the secret society and those who had supported your father knew it was only a matter of time before Andromeda returned. She was injured far worse than your parents but dark magic would have helped her survive." 

"We knew that Andromeda would seek revenge so we hid their children away from the world. It is up to those who know about her survival to stop her. And you have to make a choice, whether you want to continue your normal life or join us in stopping Andromeda. Your friends can also come along if they want to, but they should know that once they do they would be in a lot of danger. But once you step in, there is no stepping out. And you will often have to make certain choices that are very difficult."

I looked at my friends. "What about our families?" asked Hanna.

"They too belong to our world. They wanted to tell you all this tonight but looks like they will settle for this." 

"I think we should leave." Said Berry and they left. What would I do? I had to avenge my parents' death. But I wasn't sure if I could actually do something.

I returned to my bedroom. Dinner was mostly silent. The strange man left after dinner. When I went to bed that night, I told myself, "You wake up tomorrow, it was all a crazy dream." Turns out it wasn't.

Find out about Casandra's decision and meet Scylla in the next chapter.


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275 Reviews


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Sun Apr 22, 2018 3:21 am
elysian wrote a review...



Hello! I'm back again!

Just to Review:
(things I mentioned to work on in the last review)

Spoiler! :
choppy sentences - make it flow better
show more instead of telling
plot moving too fast
characterization
grammar and spelling checks
dialogue formatting
make the reader care
add more originality (shadowhunters)


Okay, let's get into it.

first, grammar check.

I felt so upset, and shocked. How could they have hid such a big thing from me? I didn't know what to say. I tried to find my voice and said, "Why didn't my... biological parents raise me." I was about to say real, but I thought it would sound mean, after all, I never actually felt that I wasn't their daughter.


*no comma after upset
*hidden

Clearly, he thought the day had come to soon.


*too

But we need to also make sure no one hurts anyone with super powers.


*superpowers

She knew as long as Daniel leaded us it would be very hard for her to take over. He was the only wizard she ever feared. So she turned his own people against him by setting up fake evidence that he was a hollow.


*led
*he was hollow

"What's that?" I was expecting the stranger to be frustrated for us cutting in every few minutes.


*with

"A magical prison. There are four parts to the prison, North, South, East and West which together make the Spider's prison."


*East, and

But to do so she had to cast a large amount of magic, much more than possible for a normal witch or wizard because magic takes stress


*This is just awkward, and doesn't make sense. taking stress isn't possible, really.

Your father to, had cast more magic then his body could tolerate.


*Father, too, had

"What?" Now I was definitely going to loose it. "Is there anything else you would like to shock me with?" But at this I kind of felt excited.


*lose
*at this, I

"Yes, there is a lot you need to know so lets continue our story."


*let's

"I think we should leave." said Berry and they left.


*leave,

okay! now into the story.

I stared at my parents in disbelief. My mom's sea green eyes were filled with tears and my dad was looking everywhere in the room but not towards me.


nice job! This is a step in the right direction, I would combine the sentences though :-)

I also have noticed your formatting dialogue got better, good job!

Okay, I'm really confused on the setting. I didn't realize that there were other people in the room. Maybe explain this better when setting the scene?

Okay, I just finished the chapter. I feel like there was definitely improvements from previous chapters, but there can always be an improvement! I feel like you're still struggling with the pace of the plot. things are just happening way too fast. Really dive into the thoughts of the main character in this chapter and show the reader her inner battles with these resolutions. you've already started to, you jusrt need to flourish it.

Honestly I lot of the other things I've already said in other chapters could apply to this one in some way, so just continue to apply the things I've said into future chapters!

Overall, this chapter is pretty good and there have been definite improvements!

Let me know when you upload chapter 4!






Thanks for the review. This is my first time writing a novel and I hope I can improve in further chapter.



elysian says...


I'm excited to watch you grow! I'm on my third time trying to write a novel, and I'm still struggling, so don't get too down if you don't get it quite right the first time :-)



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Sat Apr 21, 2018 8:12 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to offend you, hurt you or make your story seem bad or demean it hower regardless of what I have said please brace yourself. That said . . .

1. What I liked
All right! You got that emotion down! Especially when you talk about her mothers eyes welling with tears and I was so shocked etc And the surprizes I really enjoyed that.

2. Flow & Style
Okay first of all those surprizes are a little too soon. It's too soon to introduce Scyella, and this was mentioned already, though however I will make a suggestion-save Scyella for another chapter. It would be an excellent surprize. Um all you really needed to to was explain about her parents death. I just have a feeling that her making a choice to stop Andromeda should come later as well.

3. Dilogue & Characters
Okay there is to much dilogue I think. Really you could do think of a litte more action for this. Or maybe describe somethings. Also it's weired how Cleo or the stranger appear suddenly. Maybe make mention that they were already in the room? Also if the strangers name was Cleo you should have waited for some inncident with him again that makes him reveal his name or something like that.

4. Encouragment
Amazing work! This is really well done I think. Really keep posted

5. Overall
Once again you've made a hit, and I enjoy this story.






Thanks for the review. I have actually mentioned that Cleo is Casandra's elder sister in chapter 2.



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Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:12 pm
FantasyWriter76 wrote a review...



Hey, Fantasy76 here! I've reviewed chapters 1 & 2, and now I'm here to keep the chain going! Time to get into it!

I like me some exposition! Finally the backstory is explained more and we are getting closer to a chapter more like chapter 1, which I still consider the best one. The whole secret magic society makes for a good read.

Though I like exposition, the only thing keeping this chapter from being another home run like chapter 1 is the chapter 2-like pacing. It's starting to feel like you installed nitro and floored it! No offense, of course. Another thing, you mentioned Casandra had a sister, but you never mentioned their name, so when you wrote Cleo as a name, I was confused, I was also confused by the random introduction of Scylla. Also, I think you should find a different name for your 'hollows'. An anime called 'Bleach' made by Shonen Jump has creatures also called hollows that act as main enemies in most arcs. I'm not sure if your hollows are inspired or not, so look into Bleach. Also, I've suggested this to another writer, try installing Grammarly, it's good for correcting most little mistakes, and it's FREE.

Overall, I look forward to chapter 4, and I give this chapter a 3 hollows out of 5.






Thanks for the review and for suggesting Grammarly. I have mentioned that Cleo is her sister in chapter 2. The hollows were actually inspired by the movie Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.




Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers