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Young Writers Society



Can they really fall in love? Chapter 1, Part 1

by TheWeirdoFromBeyond


Chapter 1- Part 1 

CLAIRE

"Claire, get out of there." She heard Ethan say through the intercom, an urgency in his voice. 

"Excuse me." She said to River, moving to the corner of the room, away from the Hollywood party. 

"Why?" She whispered back. "My part of the plan is not yet complete." She looked around and saw Aurora flirting with Mark Thomas. This was her part of the plan, distract him while Ryker snuck into his office and collected intel on his client, River Black. The rest of them were to provide backup if needed, while she tried to turn River against his manager.

"They knew we were coming. Now get out of there before any of you blow your cover." She looked around in confusion and saw Aurora and Kylie, who had both excused themselves and were listening in the intercom. Ryker had just returned and spoke in his intercom.  

"How can that be possible? There was nothing in his office that can prove Mark guilty." She heard him say through the device.

"I don't know. Just come back to the van and let's get out of here before it's too late." The urgency was increasing in Ethan's voice. 

"Okay." She said, and she and her comrades started towards the exit. She was the first to head out the door, and as soon as she did, someone grabbed her. She used all her might to free her hand and used it to punch her attacker in the face. She turned around and saw all her comrades fighting other attackers, who were wearing black uniforms and red masks. 

As he was momentarily distracted, from the punch she had just served him, Claire knocked him out easily and rushed to Ryker's aid, who was trying to fight two of the attackers at the same time. She kicked one of them in his back and Ryker did the same for the other. 

When she turned around, she saw a celebrity, Ross Wood, standing there with a shocked expression on his face.

To be continued...

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34 Reviews

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Mon Jun 04, 2018 4:38 am
FantasyWriter76 wrote a review...



Wow, that's a lot to take in in one paragraph... 'Tis I, FantasyWriter76, here with another review on one of your stories. Jumping right on in, we have...

The Positives
I'm not really experienced in the field of spy fiction, and it seems you aren't too strong with it either (No offense!), so take this with a grain of salt. I think this is an interesting start to your series. I get a huge 'Mission: Impossible' vibe to this. But that's probably because it's one of the only spy fiction things I've seen.

The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
The first paragraphs are cluttered with so much information to take in without any context. So slow down the pacing, to let the reader breathe for a few moments between info. That's all I have to say besides some nitpicks.

I'm Fantasy76 and my arbitrary rating gives this 4 shocked celebs out of 5 (4/5). This has been Fantasy76 and I hope you have a FANTASTICAL day!
-FantasyWriter76/Fantasy76






Thanks for feedback FantasyWriter76, this is actually my first attempt at spy fiction, and I am still working on slowing down my pacing.



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Thu May 31, 2018 2:54 pm
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littlefirefly73 wrote a review...



hey there!

this is a very interesting piece! I just have to say that I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the information in such a short part. perhaps you could add in a bit of extra detail at the beginning, maybe explain their party a bit more before any action occurs? the danger seems to kick off very quickly.

other than that, I'm loving the concept! spy fiction isn't an active favorite of mine personally, but it hooks me when I get to read it and I would love to read more of your story!

happy writing!






Thanks for reviewing.



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Mon May 14, 2018 7:26 am
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LadyOkra wrote a review...



Hello there!

I don't see any problem concerned with grammar or spelling. The sentences are nicely constructed and are easy to understand.

There are a few pointers I'd like to give you:

There is a lot going on in what I assume is less than 500-700 words. A lot. And it can get very confusing sometimes. You have introduced 6-7 characters in a short span. I would suggest expanding the opening. I can easily see it overflowing 2000 words. What I mean is that there should be more information given to the reader so that they can build the world you have portrayed aptly in their mind.

Some confusion I have:

This was her part of the plan, distract him while Ryker snuck into his office and collected intel on his client, River Black. The rest of them were to provide backup if needed, while she tried to turn River against his manager.


"How can that be possible? There was nothing in his office that can prove River guilty." She heard him say through the device.


From what I understand, Claire is trying to turn River against the manager? And Ryker is trying to find info on River in the manager's office to pin him with something? I don't understand really what they are trying to do. It would make sense if Claire would try to turn the manager against River if they are finding some sort of information to prove River guilty.

What I suggest is that you write more, give us more description and give us more time to connect with the characters.

What I do like is how you have jumped right into the action. This is a great opening and it pulls in the reader successfully!

That being said, I am interested in knowing what sort of information they are looking for! This is an interesting premise. I would love to read more.

Keep writing!

Cheers.






Thanks for the review. I think I typed River there by mistake. I actually meant Mark. I will edit it, thanks for pointing it out.



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Wed May 09, 2018 2:43 pm
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LadyAstella wrote a review...



Hi, Lady Astella here with a review. I love how Claire is so fierce and ready to do anything to protect the one she loves. She was all kick butt and caring and loving as she became Ryker's aid. I will definitely ready more of your writing because I love the deep emotion and love that's being drawn out. It is very very very emotional and that make draws me in every single time. I could read this chapter over and over and over and over again because its so good!




This is Lady Astella with another review, over and out.
Keep writing I look forward to seeing more of your work!






Thanks so much for the review



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Tue May 08, 2018 4:35 pm



I know that this part is small and I did it purposely since this is my first attempt at spy fiction and I want to see the reaction of the readers before I post further. Criticism is more than welcome and thanks for reading.





I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom