z

Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Final Place

by potatoefry2001


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

In a dark place, with a sad face, 

Soaked by rain, there she lay slain.

A mother cried out,
And looked into the sky,
She had no chance, No last goodbye.

A misunderstanding, a fight,
Took the life of this girl,
Blood pours out from her wrists.

She lays in the grave,
That should have never been made,
With no second chance,
She has danced the last dance.

The coffin closes, Covered by roses,
A head stone placed,
An angels crying face.

Eulogy said, The day is dead,
The battle lost, With her the cost.



Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/final-place

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145 Reviews

Points: 402
Reviews: 145

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Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:15 pm
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Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

You have a very simple rhyme pattern, but it does look like you have broken it in the 3rd stanza where fight, girl, and wrists do not rhyme. I believe that if you establish a rhyme pattern, then you should stick to it; but it is not essential to have a rhyme pattern in a poem. That one stanza broke up your poem and made it awkward. I would change the wording there, or even take it out. It doesn't take away in my opinion if it was to be gone.

Other than that nitpick, everything else is good with the poem. I just hope that if you are feeling suicidal that you reach out to someone; a professional, a friend, parent, or trusted adult. The US suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 or text CONNECT to 741741.

Legacy out (from their hole of hiding).




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162 Reviews

Points: 1865
Reviews: 162

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Tue Dec 04, 2018 5:41 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



So beautiful and sad! It is so realistic and true though. I love how your poems are so striking! I think my favorite parts are these:

"She lays in the grave,
That should have never been made,
With no second chance,
She has danced the last dance.

The coffin closes, Covered by roses,
A head stone placed,
An angels crying face.

Eulogy said, The day is dead,
The battle lost, With her the cost."

That says it all for me.
Keep up the amazing work!





In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter