Young Writers Society

this is really good!!! OH MY GOSH ALL I CAN THINK OF IS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPIN TO ETHAN. He got some reel respect in this chapter and so did Kaylee like WOW KAYLEE!!!!!!!!! I liked how Jason and Caleb stepped up and tried to stop the fight, like that was awesome. okay here are my new fav in order Kaylee Madison Ethan Caleb then Jason, but Jason is right up there, I really like your work, keep writing! I cant wait for the next chapter

WOW!!!!!!!!! this chapter is my FAVORITE!!!!!!! there is so much character development! but the end is so sad! but that is just fin, I am so exited to no what happens next!!!!! and I am wondering, is Ethan ok, is Kaylee really sorry for what she had done? but I think a cliff hanger would be nice, there is a little cliff hanger but maybe a bigger one would not hart ok so maybe the battle between Kaylee and Madison should have lasted a bit longer before they punched Ethan, and I totally have more respaced for Kaylee, but any way I like how Jason and Caleb gave Madison and Kaylee little speeches but they were kind of corny, but do not worry u do not really have to fix that so just great job and I cant wheat to find out what happens next

Good afternoon, SmaugsIntern. AnarchyWolf here to review this sixth chapter.

There's so much drama in this chapter! You're showing other sides of the characters, making them into more fleshed-out and realistic characters. You've done an especially good job doing this with Madison and Kaylee. Reading the previous chapters, it was surprising - especially for Kaylee - to act this way. You also added little tidbits about how the characters are and feel about each other through Jason's speech, so well done.

Though the chapters are short, this installment continues to move the plot along very well. It never moves slow enough to make it boring, and focuses on the important events that help to form the plot and characters and add more depth. I also like the variety of events that are happening - they're something I don't read about very much.

Megrim has already covered the grammar and other small nitpicks, so I won't go through and do them this time.

Something that could be improved in this chapter is the dialogue:narrative ratio. This chapter is nearly all dialogue, with the exception of dialogue-tags, and a brief couple of paragraphs of narrative at the end. Dialogue is good, but dialogue alone doesn't make a scene. Narrative chunks should be sprinkled between the dialogue to make reading it richer. It'd provide a lot of imagery and a break from dialogue, and just generally improve the chapters.

Related to the need for more narrative is more description in general. We don't have much of an idea of the setting, and we still don't have much of an idea what the characters look like. Another small point would be the use of capital letters in this, used to put entire phrases and words into upper case. It'd be better to stress words using italics rather than capital letters.

It's overall a really great sixth installment.

-AnarchyWolf

Hi there! I'm going to do a grammar and spelling review, because that looks like the biggest thing you need to work on. I'm going to go through line by line and point out corrections. Grammar and spelling may seem small/unimportant, but it can give the reader a lot of trouble and throw them out of the story. The easier it is to read, the more they'll focus on the story itself!

SPELLING:
privet -> private
sins -> since
sow -> saw x4
rein -> ran
shore -> sure
weather -> whether
proses -> process
wear -> where x2
pleas -> please x2
cozens -> cousins
through -> throw ("throw punches at each other")
heat -> hate
frienchip -> friendship

MISSING PUNCTUATION:
"a lot of suspicion."
"my two friends, William and Conner, wanted"
""and that was it," said Ethan."
"that is, um, something else"
"yelled Kaylee."
"stink eye. Jason knew that Kaylee was in for a trip."
"Caleb just stared. Jason took 3 steps back and Ethan looked surprised."
"said Madison in anger."
"and Jason yelled."
"yelled Madison."
"said Kaylee."
"Jason yelled."
(a lot of these are periods missing at the end of sentences)

The second to last paragraph (Ethan looked at Madison with fear..." is missing tons of commas: (and some of the commas ought to be periods)
Ethan looked at Madison with fear, but he stood up as they started to punch each other. Right before they could get to each other with their fists, Ethan JUMPED in the middle of the punching and stopped them from punching each other. They punched him by accident. Ethan fell to his knees. Jason yelled.

OTHER:

Run on sentences - "So we thought it would be cool..." This goes on and on--try reading it out loud! I suggest breaking it up into 2-3 sentences. Another area like this is "Madison you, you are her friend..."

Lots of exclamation points - you only need one "!" no matter how tempting it is to put a bunch.

"see how you crazy" - See how "you're" crazy, or "see how crazy you are." Also in this sentence, that's what's called a comma splice--the comma should be a period instead.

Other comma splices - "yelled Madison, Kaylee gave Madison" that should be a period. Same for both of these commas: "yelled Madison, Kaylee would not, she clenched her fist" and this one: "ground while snarling, Kaylee gave off" also: "Stop guys, Kaylee where" and "fists ready, Kaylee stood there" and "did wrong, Kaylee froze" and "crying, Madison" - those should all be periods.

Apostrophes - "you guy's" and "stop guy's" should be "guys," since it's plural, not possessive.

I noticed you don't list your age on your profile information. I would recommend sharing it, so that we can know what grade you're in and where you should be with regards to grammar knowledge etc. It makes a big difference if you haven't learned the rules yet vs just need to practice them (also, if English is your native language or not). I would recommend putting your writing into a spell checker like in Microsoft Word, to help you catch the spelling errors. You should also work on your commas and periods, which might mean sharing your writing with a friend, teacher, or parent and asking them to help.