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E - Everyone

​Part 1: The Beginning

by PearlFire


Running. That is all I have been doing for the past five days. When I left the Pegasi village with it's low log cabins and the Pegasi stables that smelled of the horses I so dearly loved, the law enforcement were right on my trail. I wish I could have taken my Pegasus Avium, but that would have taken away the precious time I had to run away. I’ve been running on the roads toward the Unicorn village ever since. I noticed yesterday that they had started to give up the chase. They are Pure Ones whose origins are Pegasi. Even though I come from the Pegasi village, I decided I could make an excuse to the officials in the Unicorn Village.  Then I see the girl. She is walking the other way toward the Pegasi village. I can tell that she wasn't traveling under a legal passport as she kept acting suspicious, using her fingers to fiddle with the hem of her shirt.

Suddenly she looks up at me and then behind me. Fear rushes into her eyes, then she plunges into the underbrush of the hardwood forest along the side of the dirt road. I approach the spot where she jumped into the underbrush. I feel hands reach out and grab my brown traveling cloak and then I am in the underbrush with the girl. She puts a finger to her mouth, signaling me to be quiet, then she drags me away from the hole in the underbrush. Then I hear the men in uniform approaching.

“ I don’t see them. Do you see them, Argentum?”

“I don’t see them either Aurum. What about you Aes?”

“Nope, he,he,he.”

Then Argentum and Aurum both shouted in unison “Shut up Aes!”

                                                                                                                                                                   

As soon as the law enforcement are gone I take a better look at the boy. It's clear that he's a mess. He's probably been running on the road same as me. I wonder if he's from the Pegasi village. Then the pain hits me, and I collapse.

I dream i'm back at the Unicorn village, i'm walking past the elaborate mansions of the rich, in the distance I can see the more modest log cabins of the poor in the distance. Suddenly I hear a scream from the execution yard, I run over and I see my friend Aquarius laying on the ground as the whip strikes her again. Then when she doesn't get up the executioner raises the whip and brings it down for the death stroke.

Then I wake up with my arm in agonizing pain. I would have sneaked into the stables to get some of the healing unicorn draught for the whip mark on my arm but when I saved my friend I broke the law for interrupting an execution. I feel leaves underneath me, and I notice that the boy is pulling back my sleeve to reveal the raw and bleeding flesh underneath.

"Looks like you did a number on it, how'd it happen?" he touches it to see how tender it is and I jerk back with the pain. He see's the look of fear in my eyes and I see something that looks like... friendliness.

The boy sit's down a little way's from me, and say's "Ok, look's like you don't want to tell me what happened but i'll let you do what you want. By the way my name's Norin. What's yours?"

"Ava, I got this mark on my arm by interrupting an execution that I thought was being conducted for the wrong reasons." 

"I was found to be a half-kind by law enforcement. I had to get out of dodge."

"Well i'm guessing that you're from the Pegasi village since you were on the road to my village." The boy's face tells me that I got it right.

"Anyway we could head to the coast, maybe we could find some sort of deserted island or something."

We couldn't think of anything better to do, so we headed for the coast.

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Thu Oct 19, 2017 4:29 pm
raventotherow12 says...



It's really good, i loved it!




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:37 pm
SteppeVesteffi wrote a review...



Hello,

This was interesting.

All right, first, let's start with some positives. I'm kind of digging the storyline and universe right now. Admittedly I don't read a lot of stories in this genre, but it seemed original to me. Of course any story that involves persecuted magical individuals is always, inevitably, going to be compared to other novels that have used the same trope, but otherwise it seemed original.

I like the thought you put into this world, too. It feels like you have a good sense of where you're going in terms of plot, and a strong sense of how this world operates and what makes these creatures different. That is, of course, very important.

Now for some criticism.

As the reviewer before me said, this really doesn't read like a story so much as an overview. You're doing a lot more telling than showing. Basically, this reads like, "I am A which makes us B so then we did C, and then D happened..." That's not how a story should read, that's how a summary of a story should read.

You tell the reader wayyyy too much and way too quickly. I know it's tempting to just get all that info out on the table now so you know the reader's up to speed and you don't have to worry about answering their questions, but it's not correct and it's, frankly, not fun to read. An info dump is always pretty cringe-y, but particularly in the first chapter or prologue, and something you should try to avoid.

Instead, work on sprinkling that information and backstory in with subtlety; spread it over several chapters, and look for ways to incorporate it that feel organic and natural. If it comes across as forced or excessive, you're doing something wrong.

It's not a bad thing for your reader to have questions. In fact, if you don't tell them everything right at the start, that'll keep them interested—they'll keep reading to get to the bottom of things, to find out who these creatures are and why they're being persecuted. Whereas if you tell them all that as soon as the book begins... well, it's a big turnoff.

Speaking of "creatures," I'm calling them that because I have literally no idea what these people (?) look like. There was virtually no description in this and, while I hate when a writer over-describes a character as soon as we meet them, I also hate when a writer goes the opposite way and ensures the reader has no idea what anything looks like. In this case, you've told us all this information about these characters, but we're still kind of scratching our heads. They're unicorns and pegasi, so then they look like unicorns and pegasi? Or are they humans with horns in their heads and wings on their back? Are they giant, mutated cats with horse-like features?? We just don't know, and that's a problem.

It also felt like a lot happened here that was sort of glossed over and rushed through, via the summary-in-lieu-of-story writing. Take your time with this; detail these events to us. Don't skip over the meat of your story and valuable plot-setting. Additionally, the ending's very abrupt and feels like a noticeable, odd shift in tone, which makes it stand out from the rest of the chapter. Also, as Lupa said, give us a sense of your protagonist. At this point, it feels like she's just sort of... there. I want to know more about her, and the important stuff—not just her name. One way to accomplish that is by incorporating Ava's thoughts and dialogue into this chapter—which, at the moment, it woefully lacks. Action is fun, but don't forget about the other key elements of storytelling in your rush to get from point A to point B.

Now onto some comments and nitpicks:

There was a time when my kind was accepted, when we didn’t have to hide because we were different. Before the change affected my people.

I'm a fiend when it comes to opening lines. They're a weakness of mine, something I always look for in a story that I'm reading, and give a lot of thought to in a story I'm writing. In this case, your case, the opening line's rather... cheesy? Bland? Clichéd? There's a lot wrong with it, suffice it to say. You're on the right track, but a few inches off the mark. Shortening it up and making it a bit more mysterious and intriguing could help, and maybe tone down the woeful-persecuted-fantasy-creature angle a bit.

Hi, my name is Ava, and i'm a half-kind. My tribe origins are Pegasi and Unicorn, whom were fearsome warriors.

NO. No no no no no.
Never start a story with, "hi, my name is [insert here]." This isn't an AA meeting; this is a novel. As such, this comes across as clunky and weird. And also, we don't even need to know all this about Ava just yet. What I'd rather see? Her personality. Show us Ava interacting with someone; show us Ava in everyday life. Her name will come up naturally that way, and the other details about her will soon follow.

I am one of the two leaders here on the Isle of the Half-Kinds. We are one of the two groups of telepaths. The telepaths are people that can communicate with animals. Even though we can talk with all animals, different people prefer different animals, that's how our tribes came to be. My friends and I discovered the Isle after the change took place over the rest of the telepaths, called The Pure Ones. The Pure Ones are born only to one tribe and because of the change they no longer see us as their equals.

Info dump! Frankly, this reads more like your notes about this novel/this world than like the actual story. This is the type of paragraph that should be somewhere on your computer under the title "Story Background and Ava Details," not included in your opening chapter.

Then one day, another half-kind, and my best friend, was arrested in my village, when I asked my parents why she was arrested they said that she was a half-kind and because of this she was a threat and needed to be arrested.

"Half-kind" and "arrested" are repetitive here. Also, another info-dump! You do not get a prize.

The next day the my

Wayward "the."

my friends parents were arrested for her existence

There should be an apostrophe following the S in "friends." Also, I'm kind of in love with the idea of arresting the parents of someone awful just for their offsprings' existence. That should be legal, shouldn't it? Imagine all the people we could arrest! Not just the parents of serial killers, but also the parents of obnoxious celebrities! It would be glorious!
Anyway, moving on...

and they needed to be put under observation to make sure that they didn't have more children.

"Under observation"? Is that really necessary? Can't they just, you know, stick them in separate rooms or something? That should sufficiently break up any amorous activities.

I then started walking to our nearest neighboring village, the Unicorn village

Period at the end of this. Always, always, always end a sentence with punctation—period, exclamation point, question mark... whatever.

Running. That is all I have been doing for the past five days.

THIS should be your opening line. Cut out the first three paragraphs that precede this bit and have the story open right here, with this sentence. It'll make all the difference.

When I left the Unicorn village some of the people I thought were my friends ran after me yelling “ Norin's a half-kind, Norin's a half-kind”!

Comma after "yelling," the space between the opening quotes and "Norin" is unnecessary, and finally, punctation goes inside quotations, always—so that exclamation point needs to be moved.

My origins also include Unicorn, but I also had Pegasi blood in me.

"Also" is repetitive.

Since I’m a half-kind, I can run longer than Pure Ones. Then I see the girl.

These two sentences don't go together, and it sounds weird to have one right before the other.

“Run, run if you value your freedom!”

I value my freedom so much that I'm not going to let you tell me what to do. #Irony

she plunges into the underbrush along the side of the road. I approach the spot where she jumped into the underbrush.

"Into the underbrush" is repetitive.

She puts her hand over my mouth, then she drags me away from the hole in the underbrush. Then I hear my ‘friends’ approaching.

You've very fond of the word "then," aren't you?

“ I don’t see them. Do you see them, Robert?”
“I don’t see them either Zach. What about you Bob?”
“Nope, he,he,he.”
Then Robert and Zach both said in unison “Shut up Bob!”

We don't need to know all these characters' names. Also, there's so much wrong here in terms of unnecessary spaces, missing spaces, unnecessary commas, and missing commas, that I can't even.

So. Overall, this story has good bones. This chapter was definitely flawed, but if you go back and rework it, you should be able to pull a really captivating beginning out of this, and strong future chapters as well.

So keep the faith! :)




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Thu Dec 15, 2016 5:23 am
AlexOfLight wrote a review...



Wow! This is interesting! I have never seen anything like this! It seems like a mash up of Percy Jackson and Guardians of Ga'Hoole, but of course the rest is pure original idea. That's just me though.

This seems more like a overview of the beginning of the story, and really chaotic. I suggest you call this a prologue, and dig a little deeper into the history. Or introduce the history throughout the chapters, and focus mainly on the main character.

I really do hope this was helpful.

Keep writing! :D

-Alex




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Thu Dec 15, 2016 2:07 am
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, PearlFire!

I want to say that this is not really a chapter. Lots of sentences sound forced (like "If that sounds corny, let me tell you with the tribes both of them are considered one of the most fearsome warriors.). Some are mouthfuls, like the previous one. And some I have to reread to get the point. Focus on your flow, not a deluge of information on your reader.

Second, give your main character some dimension. All she's doing in this is talking about some piece of history that you could incorporate where it fits, not in one three-paragraph chapter. You give a name and an age, but not much personality.

Lastly, the ending was abrupt and quite uneven. "They also didn't know about their powers." It leaves the reader dangling a little bit. How do you want to tie this all up together? How do you want to make it seem effortless and finished? Think about that as you revise the ending.

I'm sorry if I came across as harsh or mean. If so, please let me know. :D I really hope I helped. Your chapter is decent, and the idea is quite interesting. Again, if I was too harsh or if you want me to review another chapter, give me the word!

XOX,
Artemis28




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Wed Dec 14, 2016 6:07 pm
FangirlDivided says...



"I was one of the discovers of the Isle after the change took place over the other group the Pure Ones. The Pure Ones are born only to one tribe and since the change has affected them they no longer see us as their equals."

Can be it's own chapter if you wish.

Other than that commas instead of periods flow better.

Also you can post multiple chapters in one go.




PearlFire says...


Thanks




Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy