Published February 14, 2011
When I was one, my mom decided my middle name was going to be "Alexandria", despite the fact that I am male.
When I was two, I learned to walk. I walked so well, in fact, that I managed to walk all the way up the top of the stairs. The trip down - however - was not very pleasant.
When I was three, I found out the hard way that I was allergic to ant bites.
When I was four, I got lost in the woods for six hours before I finally found a road. I waited, patiently, for a taxi. I live in Mississippi, and there are no taxis.
When I was five, I thought it would impress my friends if I threw a football at a bee-hive. My friends were impressed, but the bees were not.
When I was six, I somehow convinced myself that urinating on an electric fence would give me superpowers.
When I was seven, I let my cousin Sharpie my face so I would look like Darth Maul.
When I was eight, I fell off a jungle gym, broke both of my arms at the same time, and spent six weeks looking like a mummy.
When I was nine, I got into a physical altercation with a teenager because he thought I was staring at his uni-brow.
When I was ten, I had my first kiss with a girl at a pool party. I thought I would never see her after that day. Then I went to the family reunion.
When I was eleven, my dad gave me the sex talk using my Power Rangers action figures as visual references.
When I was twelve, I went out for football and dislocated my kneecap during our first practice. From then on, the team would rub my "lucky knee" every Friday night before a game.
When I was thirteen, I broke out in acne and effectively earned the nickname "Pimple Lad."
When I was fourteen, I got my first girlfriend, and we both learned that, yes, it is possible for two people's braces to become hooked together. Even in church.
When I was fifteen, I deliberately dislocated my kneecap to get out of taking an exam that I hadn't studied for. After the school nurse reset my knee, I had to take it anyway.
When I was sixteen, I lost my virginity to a girl whose father is the lightest sleeper in the world and keeps a baseball bat under his bed.
Now I am seventeen, and I realize that I am - in fact -a tortured artist.
I am, for lack of a better word, a writer.
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140,886 Literary Works • 673,700 Reviews
Okay, this might just be because I have no sense of humor or something, but that wasn't funny. So it makes me wonder why some people are reviewing and saying this is the most hilarious thing EVER. I'm also wondering how the heck you came to the conclusion that you're a tortured artist based on a few events that have no connection to writing.
Otherwise [shrugs], the story -and I use that term very loosely -was pretty good.
My friend, you have talent
This was thoroughly entertaining. You should be proud of your awesome writing abilities. I LOVED this. Great work.
This was very humerous. I personally do not usually write in such an openly personal way, and so at times i was a bit wary to read some of these, but that was nothing compared to my enjoyment and hilarity of this. Youre very good at comical, and i encourage you. Write more!
Hi paulclover.
As everyone else who reviewed this piece said, this is hilarious. It is also very witty and self-deprecating. I like that you did not shy away from the more personal detail for example
"When I was eleven, my dad gave me the sex talk using my Power Rangers action figures as visual references."
My absolute favourite line is
"When I was six, I somehow convinced myself that urinating on an electric fence would give me superpowers."
I think I laugh for about ten minutes when I read this.
I'd love if you wrote more comical stuff like this.
In conclusion, this is really good.
I was silently laughing to myself until 16. Then I fell out of my chair on to the floor.
A very good comical piece, very to the point though, not sure how much of that is true, but your childhood seems crazy! haha
Good luck with future writing. (Oh, I hate to be picky - but being English "mom" is spelt MUM! Why do you Americans spell it with an 'o' lol)
Paul - this was hilarious, whether you meant it to be or not.
I have braces, thank you for confirming that 'myth'. Glad my boyfriend doesn't have any.
You seem to have led an interesting life. Thanks for the great read.
Tanya
I'm not sure if you meant this to be hilarious, but from the way i read it, i cannot stop laughing. this=epic!