Young Writers Society

hi, I am not a good reviewer, but you followed me so I guess I will help you.

the first paragraph seems like an info dump. if this is that style of the story then it doesn't matter.

"Nolen just stood there like a dead rock, Tiko thought." this seems to be a statement, not a thought.

"They were playing this fun game they had made up called ball run. Ball run is where one person kicks the ball as far as they can, and then they try to keep up with it. The first person to kick it back in the rock goal they made is the winner." That is a lot of description for what is pretty much modified soccer.

I can't wait to read more! bye!

hello banana.
okay so I am going to pute your negative stuff on the top right here then on the bottom will be like what I really liked about it,
starting easy with the first sentence, Fare away in a land full of magical animals and being lived a village?
okay sorry but villages don't live, lol I am just messing, well maybe instead you could put
There sat a Village you no.
Um...next the grammar was not to good like when you said Tiko kneeled I think the proper turm would be he knelt or something like that.
and mainly just like what Radiant and Payds and Ashley said,


what I liked about it was how Nolen and Tiko seemed to have a good boned and that they are a lot the real life brothers though the game the made up sounds a lot like soccer its okay and I cant wait to reed more

*Drops from ceiling* Good day! Sneezy here, just Roman' around to drop an interview!

First and foremost, hey, sis. XD

Second and secondmost, let's get to this review.

Alrighty. So the first thing I noticed, is that at the beginning, you say that there "Lived a village". The only problem is: Villages aren't alive. They're inanimate objects, so they can't exactly live, can they? That's just a teensy-weensy nitpick, though, so you definitely don't have to take it seriously.

The second thing I noticed is that you sort of just jumped right into the story with describing the characters. This is perfectly fine, but it doesn't really capture our attention. You also forgot to say where they were outside. I get that they're in the village, but WHERE in the village? Outside of a shabby hut? A large shack on the outside of the village? It also wouldn't hurt to describe the scene a bit as well. I say all this together, because there's an easy way to tie it all together. Take this short example:

"Tiko was playing outside with his brother, Nolan. The bright sun shone down upon the green grass of his village as they played along the outside of their small hut in the middle of the village. Tiko, a rather excitable boy with brown hair and green eyes, kicked a ball as far as it would go to Nolan, who had brown hair and brown eyes."

I like how you introduced your story with the boys playing outside. However, I think this would be an excellent time to establish the relationship between the two of them before jumping right in to the story. I say this because we don't really know much about the two, except they're brothers. I get that you're going to introduce us a bit more as time goes on, but this is a fabulous opportunity here.

I like how you introduced a girl. Especially a potential lady-friend for Nolan. *Plays romantic music* Anyhow, that's not the point. The point is, I think that you should pull her in, because her character seems rather interesting so far.

I'm going to quit my ramblings so you can get back to writing this fabulous story, so... yeah.

There are a couple logical flaws in here, but you can fix those right up whenever you come back to edit your story. If you want, we can talk about it later. If you could please lemme' know whenever you add another chapter?

Don't stop believin',
-Sneezy

Hey there

So I am going to tackle this review as a short story since it has no previous works, however, I will be keeping in mind that this is just a chapter hence the comments I will be making are on the structure, grammar, plot line and sequence.

1) Let me begin with grammar.

Far away in a land full of magical animals and beings lived a village

Hey OrangeBanana it's AshleyDashley here for a review!
I like this story but there are a lot of spelling mistakes and grammar errors. You should proofread your work before you publish it. Re-read it and see what I mean. There are a lot especially in the last paragraph.

“fin you can stay here and look stupid witch should not be to hard for you, wile I go and do something! To help!” Then Tiko stomped off, Nolen turned around to look at Sarah but she was gone.

“Fin…Tiko what up!”

Nolen looked at Tiko as he was running, then Nolen looked behind him self and saw the Mermaid. he screamed so loud I think Australia could hear him. The ball had gone under water as well as the mermaid.

Okay, I like this setting. But first, I want you to look at a few things that I think you might want to change.

Firstly, in the first paragraph, you claimed that Tiko is a boy, yet also a witch. Witches are mostly, and I think as much, girls. Not boys. And the last sentence in the paragraph says "far-away Island". Two things are in error here. Firstly, I think you're trying to say "Faraway Island." In which case, you should capitalize the "f" in that sentence. Also, the end of that sentence needs a period. I think you might have forgotten that, but it's a simple mistake, so I can sympathize.

As well as the first paragraph, you might want to fix this other grammatical error. It's minor, but it still matters a tad. "One blissful windy afternoon..." should be updated with a comma in between the words "blissful" and "windy". That way, it looks like this: "One blissful, windy afternoon". It is just a minor fix, but it's still vital to a good story.

There's also another sentence where you said "keeled", which I assumed you meant "kneeled", which is actually not a word, as the correct form of that word is really just "knelt". Weird word, I know, but it's best that you pay attention to simple mistakes like this. Otherwise the story doesn't flow very fluidly.

So, I love the story. And it's a very cute one (no offense). I can actually see this becoming a very long-lasting novel and series. In fact, I support you and your future progress with this story. But, always read your story over and over before you publish it. As a matter of fact, I recommend you write the story, and then wait a day before reading it over. Because you won't catch errors and grammatical mishaps as easily on the day you wrote the story like you will if you wait a while. Even let a friend read it over for you. That's what I'm here for!

Also, and I mean this with all respect because you're a new writer, you should definitely be careful with the number of small mistakes that you let visible in your writing. Because having just a few small mistakes is one thing, but a handful can equate to a big mistake in writing.

Keep writing, I'm looking forward to seeing more of your skill in future stories!!!

-Payds