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Waste Away With Me

by Ohio Impromptu


All this time we danced around the truth,
And still saw nothing of what it truly is.
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be recognized yet,
It might be better off unknown.

Does it really matter why I’m still here?
The point is that I’m wasting away.
Maybe you could so the same with me,
Fade, and paint redemption across the past.

For all the wrong reasons is no longer an alibi,
Just an excuse for all my failures.
I can no longer imagine a happy ending,
But I can see a way of getting out alive.

I’d tell you my story, but words won’t do it justice,
Even to show you would leave gaps in it.
So empathy for me will have to do for now,
Its just easier to be like this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be merciless people


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19 Reviews


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Tue Aug 11, 2009 4:46 am
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chellelynn wrote a review...



Beautifully written. I love the first stanza.
The entire poem is extremely thoughtful and
makes the reader think. About life, and truth,
and whether or not life will move on and get
better, or if this is as good as it's going to get.
Whether or not you meant it like that, I have
no idea, but that's what I pull from it.
This also reminds me a bit about acceptance,
and moving past the obstacles.
Very well done.




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119 Reviews


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Mon Aug 10, 2009 10:49 am
roon wrote a review...



Hello, I’m Roon! Anyways, this is a great poem, well written and has a very good flow. First I’ll do nitpicks though:

All this time we danced around the truth,
And still saw nothing of what it truly is.

Okay, I wouldn’t put truth and truly so close together, but that’s just me.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be recognized yet,
It might be better off unknown.

These two lines say almost the same thing.

Maybe you could so the same with me,

This doesn’t make sense to me, I think you mean something like maybe you could do so with me, or maybe you could do the same? Or put a comma after so. I’m not sure, to me this doesn’t make sense, but I’m slow, so hey!

F
or all the wrong reasons is no longer an alibi,

I don’t really understand what this means. Sorry, maybe I’m just stupid!

So empathy for me will have to do for now,

We can’t feel empathy if we don’t know what it is we’re empathising with, you didn’t tell us your story.

Okay, it’s nicely written, I feel that the purpose is quite hard to make out though. I think if you used some imagery it would make the poem better also. I’m still not entirely sure what this poem should make me feel. Other than that, I still enjoyed it, your use of language is nice, and it is well punctuated, which makes it easy to read. It seemed almost as if each stanza had a different meaning, which was nice I suppose, but you may want to stick to one thing. However, it was nice wondering upon the voice’s situation, so thank you! Sorry this is so muddled, I think I scrambled my brain instead of eggs this morning!

~ Roon




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Mon Aug 10, 2009 8:50 am
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VeraWinters says...



wow, really great,
very lyrical and textured, well done
keep writing like you mean it

Vera




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Sat Feb 19, 2005 5:59 pm
Terrwyn wrote a review...



This was absolutely lovely, though I do agree that it could have used a tad more imagery. You conveyed emotion in this very eloquently. Cookies and fire-breathing ponies to you for a job well done. :)




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Sat Feb 19, 2005 5:48 pm
Wulie wrote a review...



I enjoyed this poem as chevy said it wasn't dull though it could have a little more imagery in it I think that would really complete it.


For all the wrong reasons is no longer an alibi, ---> don't get this line am I being slow?
Just an excuse for all my failures.
I can no longer imagine a happy ending,
But I can see a way of getting out alive.

wux




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Sat Feb 19, 2005 1:19 pm
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AstrangedbeaR says...



this is an interesting poem, nice words, good meaning, nice title, one thing "Maybe you could so the same with me" im guessing you mean do, a little bit of a error...but thats just me anyway lol.




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Tue Feb 15, 2005 4:03 am
Myriadne says...



Very nicely written, you have quite a tight structure and it flows well. Its very well balanced and easy to read, I quite like it :)




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Mon Feb 07, 2005 9:08 pm
hekategirl says...



It was an intresting poem, you don't have to put imagry in it but it would have made it better. The first stanza really caught my attention, and made me finish reading.




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Mon Feb 07, 2005 3:34 pm
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Chevy wrote a review...



This poem is the evidence of the type of poetry that I have been trying to write for as long as I have been writing poetry. Even though this poem didn't have any imagery in it, it wasn't dull--and it made me want to keep reading...I'm serious...this is the first thing I've read by you thus far...I hope everything else you write is like this!





I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
— Dilbert