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Thrown Overboard (not final title)

by Ohio Impromptu


Thrown Overboard

Shed your skin and show me the scars that line it,
In such a way as leaves us both speechless.
I left the words behind with my innocence, so did you,
You manage nonetheless, as jaded as they seem.

To adapt is to stay afloat, and to sink is not an option,
Thrown into a circle of judgment, and enduring.
Strong willed and emotionally fragile never worked so well,
Trauma grows stronger with each tear that escapes.

Cry for help, the echoes are so reassuring if you listen,
The echoes make more noise than i ever could.
So I guess I'm inferior to what you can do to help yourself,
Bad advice is always worse than none at all.

Confide in what knows not your pain, its silence is all you need,
A rock to hold on to and a mirror to show humanity.
Relay to me the lamentations i missed at their time of need,
So i can hide them from the eyes of their cause.


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2631 Reviews


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Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:01 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello there! You don't seem to have many reviews so I thought I'd come along and help you out. Let's see. I like this, something about it, though it may take me a second read to put my finger on it. But your flow's a little awkward in places and it's not particularly memorable. There's no image or line that really stands out and leaves a permanent mark on your reader. So as far as poetry goes, this is good but it's not amazing. Let's see if we can help you reach the next level ^^

Shed your skin and show me the scars that line it,
In such a way as leaves us both speechless. [Your first line is beautiful but this one let's you down somewhat. I want to really know how the scars line the skin, how do they look? There must be a better image that you can give, than saying they leave you speechless. That takes us away from the scars, which I think are of more interes, and directs our attention instead to the image of people staring. That would maybe be good if you then ran with that and built on the display of the scars through the reactions of others, but instead you move on. So consider revising?]
I left the words behind with my innocence, so did you,
You manage nonetheless, as jaded as they seem. [You, I, they. There are too many personas going on here! Who are they and do they matter? Maybe rephrase this so that you're concentrating on just the you and the I which are the more important components.]

To adapt is to stay afloat, and to sink is not an option,
Thrown into a circle of judgment, and enduring.
Strong willed and emotionally fragile never worked so well,
Trauma grows stronger with each tear that escapes. [This is very fragmented. You've not giving us much to cling to before changing direction each time. Try to select your strongest images and ideas and build on those, really make them shine because two images scoured into a person's head are far stronger than seven printed on paper.]

For the next stanza, the same comment as above applies. It's very fragmented and while that builds the persona's state of mind nicely, it doesn't give us enough detail for the reader to really feel involved. The reader feels far too distant from the event.

Confide in what knows not your pain, its silence is all you need,
A rock to hold on to and a mirror to show humanity. [I like the idea of a mirror to show humanity, would love to see you explore that one more.]
Relay to me the lamentations i missed at their time of need,
So i can hide them from the eyes of their cause.

Alright so not much else to say but hopefully this will give you a few ideas!

Heather xxx




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Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:17 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

This is a great poem. I can feel the motion you put into this. Good job! You also did a greatsjob with your imagery. You have a good balance between imagery and narration.

To adapt is to stay afloat, and to sink is not an option,
Thrown into a circle of judgment, and enduring.
Strong willed and emotionally fragile never worked so well,
Trauma grows stronger with each tear that escapes.

Cry for help, the echoes are so reassuring if you listen,
The echoes make more noise than i ever could.
So I guess I'm inferior to what you can do to help yourself,
Bad advice is always worse than none at all.

I absolutely love these two stanzas! They dflow really well together and have great meanings behind them.

Overall this is a good poem. Keep writing! :)




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Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:23 pm
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hey there, Ohio Impromptu. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem tonight.

Wow. This a beautiful poem, and I think it feels really deep. I like it. I like the way it flows, I like the words you've used. And the meaning. I really feel like I was thrown overboard and was drowning. And it's not always a nice meaning, but here, it makes me feel like the poem is somewhat dreamy. Like something not quite there, if you get my meaning. I find that that is sometimes a hard thing to achieve, especially in poetry. As for nitpicks? All I can say is watch the capitalization on your I's. Other than that, I don't see anything else wrong with it.

Overall. This is a brilliant, slightly bittersweet and dream-like poem. And I adore it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and beautifully bittersweet poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!

~Scar.




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Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:13 pm
SubjectBlue wrote a review...



Shed your skin and show me the scars that line it,
In such a way as leaves us both speechless.
I left the words behind with my innocence, so did you,
You manage nonetheless, as jaded as they seem.

To adapt is to stay afloat, and to sink is not an option,
Thrown into a circle of judgment, and enduring.
Strong willed and emotionally fragile never worked so well,
Trauma grows stronger with each tear that escapes.

Cry for help, the echoes are so reassuring if you listen,
The echoes make more noise than i ever could.
So I guess I'm inferior to what you can do to help yourself,
Bad advice is always worse than none at all.

Confide in what knows not your pain, its silence is all you need,
A rock to hold on to and a mirror to show humanity.
Relay to me the lamentations i missed at their time of need,
So i can hide them from the eyes of their cause.



Fell in love with this poem, it's amazing!
I feel related to it- I guess in some level- it talks to everyone
Nice job!
I don't have much to add or fix, so I'll just say how I love it again.
SubjectBlue




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Tue Feb 08, 2005 4:03 pm
Emma says...



That is really nice. It follows the same beat, if you know what I mean. It isnt rigid, but smooth...





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