(First Post! I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to write but here goes... just a little short horror story about a clown, it's not very good but I guess I should post something!)
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Laughter of joy and amusement echoed throughout the showground. Hundreds of people walked to and fro, running from one ride to the next. Candy Floss and show bags were in the hands of many as the carnival became busier and busier. Rides sped past as screams of delight followed hastily after them. The day was quickly ending, the fun vanishing all too soon.
All day, a young boy had been running about with his parents. But everywhere he turned he felt he was being... watched. It was if someone - or something - had been following him everywhere, studying his every move, waiting for him. But, every time he turned in suspicion, he would see something in the corner of his eye. But at a second glance, his parents would see nothing. They would calm him down; 'There's nothing there. It's just in your head'. But he knew there was something there. He could tell.
With the last rides slowing to a halt, the booths and rides were soon packed and closed, waiting for the break of day to shine again. Night slowly dimmed the fairground as the final workers departed, leaving the once-bright lights of the show darkened. Street lights flickered on, leaving a faint light illuminating the circus. The sun peeping over the horizon finally gave way - darkness overpowering light.
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The boy, 7 years old at most still lingered, calling out in his little voice for someone, anyone to come and find him, help him. However, everyone had gone, leaving him alone, lost, and vulnerable. He walked timidly through the grounds, calling out. Tears streamed down his face as he stumbled over forgotten prizes lying carelessly on the ground. He passed the booths, the swings, the rides, until the formidable circus tent loomed above him like an omnipotent demon, belittling his infant structure. The night was quickly darkening as clouds began to gather - threatening music tugging at his subconscious. A small drop of rain dared to fall, then, followed by countless others, water fell from the sky like leaves in Autumn. The boy shivered in the cold. Suddenly, a small light inside flickers through the darkness. With nowhere else to go, and in desperate need of help, the young child enters.
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Some say he died, right there and then.
Others say he ran away, never to be seen again.
But we know the secrets of what happened that day.
We know the Clown who steals children away.
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(I edited the original, just a little). c:
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I like the premise of the story, but as reviewers before me have said, it would be nice if you added more detail
And poor kid...how did his parents just leave him abandoned? That part confused me and it definitely is worth some explanation. You need to develop your plot. Your character of the little boy is also slightly underdeveloped, but since this is a horror story that's okay. I do wish you would expand and write more about the clown. You know, whisper rumors about his other victims, etc.
I liked your imagery and you have a good range of vocabulary! I enjoyed this!:)
Thankyou so much! I have a finished version that I just haven't posted yet, do you think i should? x3
Yes!
Ok, ok. I'll post the finished version later, everyone! It's for school so I hope they don't get angry at me for copywright! x3
Alykat did a good job covering suggestions such as expanding on the detail, so i'm sorry this isn't going to be much of a review. But i enjoyed it so much and i couldn't resist!
Although, it could be improved ( bulked up - i don't think there's much wrong with it) with adding in descriptions about his parents, i'd quite like to see some more in depth description about the carnival life as a whole - particularly in the beginning; sounds of the games, machines, or something like that. Just breathing more life into it really because there's a lot to like.
Just a suggestion: before he enters the tent, and when he's lost, you could feed in all these hints and suggestions of a clown - laughter, balloons, face paint, stuff like that. Because i think its better if a clown isn't mentioned, only implied, maybe leave out the section at the bottom? And i actually prefer that the tent isn't shown, it's more mysterious and effective. Oh, and I love the last line. It's a great way to end.
Really well written.
Thanks so much for your review, DodjyWriter.
I will add a bit more detail when I get the time, because at the moment there isn't much of a description of the start of the carnival. I love your idea of 'hinting the clown' because it makes everything much more mysterious. Thanks again, I'll be sure to use your ideas. Thankyou~ c:
Okay let me start off by saying..... You can stop pestering me about this review now *eyes narrow*
Anyway. I knew you were good at writing, but I didnt think you could write like this with such little effort (does that even make sense?)
It was written well. I liked the way you kept it mysterious. It worked really well.
I hope you keep your writing like this.
~Neverland xx
Hehe, ok. I'll stop now. *puppy-dog eyes*
And wait, what? I didn't even think this was that good! After seeing everyone else's writing on this website, I don't see how this is... anyway.
Thanks so much for your review, but overall this is 10x better than my 11,000 word story I've been writing for a year -.-
So don't expect my story to be amazing, kai? Thanks again~ c:
I like! You have good imagery c: "Candy Floss or show bags were in the hands...." This may be just a typo, but change 'or' to 'and'.
"The night quickly darkened, with dark clouds racing by" This doesn't give great imagery as your other writing had. Try switching the halfs and changing up the current beginning. "With dark clouds racing by, the night settled harshly." Change the "harsh" if you don't like it, was just a suggestion. Your last sentence is a little too long. Try taking out one of the first two things, probably the second. "With nowhere else to go, he enters." Try different things with "he". It could be "the child", "the boy", anything.
I understand this is meant as a horror piece, but it isn't there yet. Add a new paragraph about him entering the tent. What he sees, hears, smells. He could see a creepy smile, hear a horn honk, or hear crazy laughter for the end. You need to add something that will creep people the heck out.
This is just a suggestion! For the entire thing, you should add his mother or father in. They are right behind him searching for him. They could have told him the Clown story at some point. Describe his day at the carnival. Mention a clown (extra creepy) that seems to stalk the boy but he can never find it on second glance, so his parents don't see.
Just try to elongate this piece, you have enough material and background to do it!
Thankyou so much for the review! And I'll fix that typo, right away! I did notice a few things wrong with that paragraph, I just needed a little bit of an idea how to make it not as repetitive. Oh, I'll also change the ending; I'll fix the last sentence and add the second part. I've already written it, I just wanted a review on my first half
Trust me, the next half is... wait! I don't want to spoil it! You'll have to wait and see... *evil laugh*.
I was originally going to write a longer version that included his parents and sister and the police, but I decided not to... the reason why escapes me :3
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Overall, thankyou so much for your review. I hope you don't mind me using your 'second glance' idea, it would make the story flow a fair bit more. Thankyou for your nice comments and I would love to make the piece longer for some more feedback! Have a nice day / night! c:
Welcome! And of course it's ok with the second glance idea, it adds to the freakishness!