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Affection

by Nikhat Jonak


The beauty that traps

The peace of mind,

Covers the mystical icicles

With the splendid aura.

The moon with it’s

Caressing hands,

Halts in the woods,

For the sun to glitter.


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25 Reviews


Points: 2050
Reviews: 25

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Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:01 pm
RanaNoodles wrote a review...



Hi!
I really like this poem. The way you described everything felt kind of surreal, like when you personified the moon with its 'hands'. It's obviously short, but I feel like that was representative of how affection is sometimes short-lived. I don't know, that might just be me interpreting stuff weirdly. I just wanted to point it out, because it was really cool.
The only thing that I think would improve your poem would be if you made the verses a little bit longer. Cutting them so short made it feel a little bit choppy to me. If you, say, grouped the first two lines together, the second two together, and so on, it might make it a little bit easier to read. Of course, that's just my opinion, you can ignore it if you want.
And yeah!
This poem was really good, I hope you keep writing more!
-Rana Noodles




Nikhat Jonak says...


Thanks for your opinions.



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7 Reviews


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Reviews: 7

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Sun Nov 10, 2019 12:12 pm
VanillaXKnight wrote a review...



Hi! It's been a while since I did a review. This little verse invokes an unusual kind of imagery in my mind. I like it. There's nothing to nitpick here. It's a really good verse. I find it to be open to a hundred interpretations, though, but what came to my mind as I read it was the color blue and the word "love." A calm, serene and selfless love. No negative criticisms here. Good job!




Nikhat Jonak says...


Thanks for encouraging



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75 Reviews


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Sat Nov 09, 2019 3:05 pm
dahlia58 wrote a review...



I love the nature-related imagery used in this poem. The second half stands put to me especially. "Caressing hands" fits the "Affection" title very well.^^ Since this poem is rather short, I don't see much to critique. If I had to suggest something, perhaps you could take out the commas? Doing this will help the stanzas flow better, as this is a very short poem.

Please keep writing.^^




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150 Reviews


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Sat Nov 09, 2019 2:04 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hello Nikhat Jonak, Katja here to review your poem! As with all of my reviews, please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make, should you find them unhelpful. And a warm welcome to YWS! With that being said let us get into the review!

Overall Thoughts

I like your poem, though it was a little short. I admire the imagery you used to convey the theme of affections! Very beautiful imagery you have here.

The beauty that traps

The peace of mind,


I love these lines the most... The idea that beauty "traps the peace of mind" is pretty accurate- upon seeing a beautiful person we often struggle to get them out of our mind. Beauty is, of course, subjective but it is such a compelling thing.


Suggestions

In my humble opinion I feel if you did not start each line with a capital, and only the beginning of the next "sentence", it would greatly improve readability. Since it is short I feel it would improve the overall appearance and readability of your poem and also by separating the 8 lines in half.

For example, using your poem:


The beauty that traps
the peace of mind,
covers the mystical icicles
with the splendid aura.

The moon with it’s
caressing hands,
halts in the woods,
for the sun to glitter.


That is strictly my opinion on format/structure. There is nothing wrong with how you structured yours, to be clear. It is just my opinion that this way would make it look tidier.


The moon with it’s


"it's" should be "its"

Other than that I was a little confused about what was intended by "mystical icicles"- given the context I'm not sure it fits in at all. The beauty covers the mystical icicles? or the mind does? I recommend considering the way a reader will interpret certain words/phrases/lines and be sure it makes sense in context to the poem.

That's all I have for suggestions~

Summary

I really like the imagery used and the way you expressed "affection". I believe with some clarity and format changes, your poem will improve in readability and also help the reader understand certain portions better. I sincerely hope my review was helpful to you. :)

Keep Writing,

~Katja




Nikhat Jonak says...


Thank you for finding flaws in it. It will really help to write better.




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta