Young Writers Society

Hey!

I didn't read the second chapter, but the first one was great! The plot sounds like it's going to be really good! SW rocks, by the way!

Sounds great, but you need one thing SPACING!
It's too clustered up and hard to read! You need spacing!

I saw a few grammar errors, but I can't remember.

Good job!

~Rogue Jedi Master Timea

i read the beginning its good. 'the emperors black bones' was quite creative and it has a fairly good plot setup.

I would introduce the names of the characters sooner in prologue. Even if they are minor characters, I would give the detectives names.

Um...I love SW. And I can see that, while being unconventional, you're sticking to some basic structure; title, space, start with an action scene. But, you have to remember that the visions readers have in their heads are the movies. Technology, droids, light-sabers, everything has first come from the movies.

A light-saber battle in pitch-black darkness?

Sorry, but just thinking of it made my eyes hurt. It's well written, and all the information is awesome (where did you get the stuff about saber techniques?), but think about how George Lucas might film that scene.

The Padawan starts in darkness, and is suddenly blinded by full daylight in a lush, tropical holo-setting. Staggering, she ignites her saber, and mentally gropes towards her attacker. Before she can truly register what's happening, he's upon her in a flashing swirl of humming cyan. She opens herself to the movements of the Force, letting it guide her.

The reason for all this is that the Force to a Jedi is everything; and during a battle, it is his/her eyes, ears, everything. So, yeah, that's really my one suggestion. Please feel free to clarify anything I may not understand.

May the Force be with you

Uhm...

Good.

A few things seemed out of place, like this;

her robes flowing like a flag in a hurricane.

And other than that, you did a pretty good job with this installment. I still think you should break it up (add more spacing).

Lightly revise. It'll be great.

Whewy. It's been awhile. A loooong while. Well, here is the second chapter. From now on, if someone replys to this post, I will automatically post the next chapter as soon as I get on.

Here ya go.

Chapter Two


The battered Black YT-1930 Light freighter quaked around him as it exited hyperspace travel. The pilot remained calm, though. Considering the way he first jumped into hyperspace, this rough exit was a luxury compared to what it should have been. He was a young man, having just passed his nineteenth year of life. He had a soft, almost boyish face that looked more accustomed to no expression whatsoever. It framed two large, brown eyes, and was topped by unruly and loose dark brown hair. His skin was an eerie color of pale white, which was starkly contrasted against his hair and clothes. He wore jet-black, floor-length trench coat, which covered most of the black combat armor underneath. Black boots came up to the top of his calves, and black leather gloves covered his hands.
The ship smoothed out as it flew further through the empty vacuum of space. The pilot gave a deep sigh of relief when he finally assured himself that he had lost his aggressive pursuers. He looked to the numerous small display screens around the main cockpit view port.
"Ossus," He read aloud. He was going over the population details when an explosion rocked the ship. Nearly thrown from his seat, the pilot held on tightly as the explosion caused the ship to swoon violently left and right. When the shockwaves subsided, sparks were flying from short-circuiting wires and cables, causing the lights and displays to flicker. Just before the power in the cockpit shut down, the ship's AI managed to speak a message that concerned the pilot more than a little.
"Warning. Orbit Degrading".

* * *

Eloiin walked through the halls of the academy at a casual pace, her robes billowing behind her. No destination was in her mind; going on walks were her favorite form of relaxation. Though she wanted to go tell of her exploits to her closest friend, Sareth Halcyon, she chose not to, remembering that Sareth was probably training somewhere else in the Praxeum. Instead, she just started walking through random corridors. The Ossus Praxeum was one of the largest buildings on the planet, and housed thousands of students and their families. Ossus Praxeum not only as a training ground and nerve center for Jedi, but it also provided jobs and careers for the family members of the students, for those who were not quite ready to leave their children and loved ones. Eloiin smiled absently as she walked, almost in a daze, down the unending halls. Most of her family was still on Telos. Her father, Stant Standl, kept a ranch of a variety of galactic livestock, and her mother, Lorrel, helped him in his day to day affairs. Eloiin's elder brother, Marsel, was training to be a computer engineer on Coruscant, while her younger brother, Ken, had taken a route that no one in his family had taken before. Joining the New Republic Fleet about the same time Eloiin joined the Jedi twelve years ago, he rose from a simple student in a piloting academy to the youngest pilot of his generation to become a member of the famous Rogue Squadron. But, though all three of them were Force-sensitive, only Eloiin chose to be a Jedi.
But that didn't mean she was a natural at it. Of the twelve years she had been a member of the Order, she had had countless hard-knocks and rough times. She had high potential in the Force, and everybody expected her, almost forced her, to be a Jedi Consular, a scholar of the Force. But, Eloiin chose differently. She enjoyed the simplistic, almost dance-like maneuvers of lightsaber combat, of taming one's own body, instead of the philosophical mind-training of studying the Force. She much preferred the dodging of an enemies blade or bolt than dodging the dark side.
When Eloiin finally came back to her senses, she was standing outside the main building. The halls had led her to the outdoor speeder port, where the trainers kept a small speeder bike rental shop for outings into the Ossus wilderness with their students. It was a strange construction. Though she was outside, Eloiin still had a roof over her head, though it was more like an awning. She thought about this port's strange construction. It was if someone had taken the exterior wall right from the hall way. The Jedi always enjoyed architecture that was both technological and urban but natural at the same time, and this was definitely an example. If one did not pay attention, they wouldn't even know that they had just been outside. There were several racks full of speeder bikes dotting the grass. Instead of following the hall to her next destination, Eloiin walked out onto the grass, laid on her back, and began to reflect. She had spent a decade honing her Jedi skills for this moment, the moment in which she would become leave the subjugated world of being a student into being an apprentice, and the, a knight.
"Eloiin Standl, Jedi Knight," she said with a grin, then it widened, "Jedi Master!". The pent up excitement finally exploded, and she leapt up from her prone position. Grabbing her lightsaber, she ignited it, and went into a flurry of exercises and maneuvers to work off the energy. After a few seconds, she slowed down, half from loss of breathe, and half because she noticed a group of giggling younglings were pointing at her, laughing at how silly she was acting. Nearly turning red from embarrassment, Eloiin deactivated her lightsaber and sat down cross-legged on the grass, feigning meditation so the younglings would leave. But, to her irritation, they did not, instead going off into the grass and sitting down just a ways from her, their faces towards the wilderness of Ossus. Eloiin gave up the facade, relaxing in her cross-legged sit and staring blankly at the grass, going over the events in the gym over and over again. A familiar voice spoke up from the hall way.
"Giving the grass the death stare, I see," the feminine voice said sarcastically. Eloiin looked up, surprised to discover the identity of the person walking towards her. The girl was tall by human female standards, close to 5'7. She was thin, with thin arms concealed underneath her robes and tunic. Her skin was pale, and her face had an eerie resemblance to a doll's, which sat atop a long, thin neck. Though very attractive, many a male had been scared off by the unrelenting scrutiny of her large brown eyes, which gave her the doll-like appearance. All of this was topped off by straight combed brown hair that hung loosely at her shoulders. Though her appearance suggested elegance, grace was obviously not her forte as she plopped down on the grass next to Eloiin.
"Oh? Am I? I apologize, Sareth. Would you rather I gave YOU the death stare?" Eloiin asked playfully.
"No, no. That's all right. I like being alive, thank you very much," Sareth said, giving a fake show of fear. Her show dropped when she noticed Eloiin's gaze had not left the ground.
"Are you ok?" she asked cautiously, never the one who wanted to incur her friend's wrath. Eloiin gave a slight nod as she continued her contemplative stare.
"I'm an apprentice now...." she said, her voice trailing off. Sareth smiled from ear to ear.
"See! I told you! I knew you were going to get picked today!" She exclaimed in congratulations to Eloiin, "Who picked you?".
"Jax Skauk. He's a knight. He said he'd take me as his apprentice if I beat him in a practice duel...." Eloiin answered, once again fading into her daze. Though she was still grinning, Sareth held her next string of interrogations. She looked around, taking in the joy of the Force among nature as Eloiin continued her deep-thinking.
Suddenly, Sareth's mind snapped back to more serious matters.
"The HoloNet was talking about those murders happening on Coruscant," Sareth mentioned ominously.
"And?" Eloiin asked, finally breaking her gaze from the ground.
"They were talking about the latest one. So far, it's the only one to have any sort of visible cause of death or solid evidence," Sareth stated plainly, but her voice soon turned grim, "The autopsy reports the victim was killed by numerous cauterized wounds. Sliced right in half. They also found an audio recording".
"An audio recording of what?"
"Well, they said the first part of it was just screaming and sounds of struggle, but at the end, you can hear a lightsaber ignite in the background and the victim say 'Jedi'".
This troubled Eloiin, as it rightly should. Anti-Jediism was an ever present problem in the galaxy. Many races and peoples hated the Jedi. Many people hated the Jedi for past tragedies caused by a Dark or mislead Jedi, such as the Hapes Cluster, while others just hate them from evil spite. Either way, many would pounce on any opportunity to wipe the Jedi from the face of the galaxy. Eloiin broke the reflective silence with a grim sigh. It was ironic how some people hated those who try to help them.
After several minutes of silence, a gasp came from the group of sitting younglings. Eloiin and Sareth looked over to see them pointing at the sky. It was not uncommon for younglings to do so - there was hundreds of different types of avian on Ossus. But this was different. Whether it was their panic through the Force or the look of fear on their faces, the pair didn't know, but they both traced their pointing fingers to an object in the sky. It was bright and moving fast in a downward angle.
"Meteor, probably" Sareth said, figuring it to be some loose asteroid. Then, as the pair watched its slow descent, it's path changed dramatically, looking as if the meteor was pulling up. Of course, at the speed it was going, it quickly resumed it's previous trajectory into the forests. A jolt shot through Eloiin in the Force, and she leapt to her feat. She ran over to the nearest speeder rack, entering the code into its computer to unlock the bikes. When she realized what her friend was doing, Sareth ran after her, stumbling from the sudden change in attitude.
"Wait! What are you doing?!" she asked desperately as she reached the rack. Eloiin was already mounting a speeder bike.
"Meteors don't pull up," Eloiin answered simply as she started up the bike. The whine of the speeder's engines increased just as Eloiin shot off into the forests, chasing after the strange meteor, her robes flowing like a flag in a hurricane.
"WAIT FOR ME!!!" Sareth screamed as she mounted her own speeder bike and chased after her determined friend....

* * *

"C'MON, BABY! WAKE UP FOR DADDY! PLEEAASE!" The pilot pleaded to his still inactive ship. It had flickered on a few moments earlier, and it began to level out. But it was a fleeting hope as the ship systems failed once more. The pilot was frantically rewiring console's and pushing the ignition button on the main console, while at the same time trying to keep his balance in the chaotic tumbling caused by the friction of re-entry. He looked out a side view window to see flames dancing off nearly every square inch of the ship's hull from the friction, and the black paint job peeled away to reveal glowing, red hot metal. He found the two wires he was looking for and cut them. Taking the opposite wires, he gingerly pressed them together. Sparks flew as electricity passed through the wires.
"C'mon, c'mon!" He berated himself quietly. He pressed them together again, this time zapping himself slightly. Stubbornly, he tried again. This time, his persistence was rewarded as the ship came back online. To his dismay, but no surprise, hundreds of alarms and warnings were going off. The pilot hopped into his chair just in time to see the nose of his ship plow through a tree and into the ground....

Yea, Fanfiction is like a dead board or something.

Anyways, space it all out, Maybe lightly revise by yourself. Try to use shorter sentences during the fight, that might add some suspense during the action scene.

I like this stoy so far. It really is pretty cool.

-MH

Wow. Does anybody read the fanfiction here? For the past week there have been no new posts here. My story isn't that bad, is it? Anyway, here's chapter one.


Chapter One


She sat on her heels in the pitch-black gym, her hands on her knees. One of those hands, the right in this case, held the symbol of the order she served: A lightsaber. It was customary for students to meditate in darkness before any form of exercise, as visual distractions proved difficult to be rid of with the younger Jedi. Though the darkness hid her features, beneath it's inky-black veil was a blonde haired girl, nearly twenty years of age and her hair tied back into a long ponytail, which reached down to in-between her shoulders. Her eyelids were closed in concentration, but they housed large, bluish-gray eyes that still sparkled with the sheen of youth, and rimmed with long, golden tipped eyelashes. Her skin was pale, and her face looked like the face of a person who was more accustomed to scowling, but beautiful nonetheless. The physique that was concealed beneath her Jedi tunic was perfectly formed, tight and taut muscles covered by a healthy layer of her pale skin, and to the disappointment of her male classmates, a Jedi tunic, pants, and knee-high boots. Though to many she seemed a bit on the short side, standing just under 5'4, that proved to be their greatest down fall when the Master's called for them to spar against her.
She was concentrating hard, trying to let herself be swept away into the eternal flow that was the Force. Her entire life, Masters and fellow students have commented on her enormously powerful presence in the force, but for all their talk, she had no results to show them. She didn't doubt in her potential, but her control of that potential was another matter entirely....
It didn't matter now though. She was preparing for a simple sparring match, but hardly any sparring match was considered simple by a student when the opponent was a Jedi Knight. The Jedi Knight in question was somewhere else in the dark room, and as part of the exercise, the girl was not allowed to reach out into the Force. This would make the Jedi Knight's exact location in the room impossible to pinpoint, as he was extremely proficient at the arts of stealth. No, she would get no help in this exercise but from her own reflexes.
She waited for what seemed like a millennium, when, suddenly, she detected the pressing of a button across the room with incredibly acute ears. Like a flash of lightning, she darted up from her former position and activated the blue blade of her lightsaber in one swift motion. Almost simultaneously, a cyan bladed lightsaber ignited, then flew through the air and crashed into the girls blue one just as she had turned around to block. But the force of the blow was not strong enough, and the lightsaber fell harmlessly to the ground, deactivating halfway down. But the fight wasn't over. Milliseconds after the lightsaber hit the ground, it soon shook with an invisible force. It activated its glowing cyan blade and leapt from its short resting place. Spooked by the move and to disheveled to look for its owner, the girl swung at the cyan blade in an attempt to divert it's course. It collided solidly with a crashing hiss, and the lightsaber was sent sprawling through the air, towards the far side of the room. But the fight still wasn't over. The lightsaber, seeming to possess a mind of it's own, diverted in it's course in mid-air, right into the hand of a cloaked and hooded figure, who was charging with all the force of a ronto stampede. Once his grasp on the weapon was complete, he raised it high over his head as he charged, intending a powerful downward chop. The girl summoned all her courage and control to stand firmly in her original spot, her legs and feet unmoving. She then summoned all her strength as she raised her blade into a high, horizontal block to defend against the Knight's attack. It seemed like it took him forever to complete his menacing move, but in reality, it was only a few seconds. His cyan blade once again collided with her sapphire-blue one, and the sheer force of it made the girl feel like her arms had gone numb. But the block held, and the girl and the Knight's were forced to press their lightsabers against each other in what had come to be called a "saber lock". They pressed and pushed against the other's blade, hoping and trying to gain the advantage. They held the lock for a few moments, neither combatant gaining any ground. Finally, the Knight jumped back, putting himself out of range of any counter-attack from the girl. But, he didn't jump far enough, and soon, the girl was all over him like flies on bantha fodder. A flurry of quick strikes kept the Knight on the defensive, and the form of the girl's strikes revealed her to be quite skilled in the ways of Form V, the way of the Krayt Dragon, or most commonly known as Shien or Djem-So. Though the Knight was on the defensive, his moves proved to be a Knight that of Form I, the way of the Sarlaac, or Shii-Cho. The seven forms of lightsaber combat, though thought lost with the old Jedi Order, were rediscovered when the New Jedi Order's Grandmaster, Luke Skywalker, re-established the Jedi Praxeum on Ossus. The barrage of offense continued to flow from the girl for a few moments. The Knight's and her blade collided hundreds of times in a matter minutes. Finally, the Knight began to turn the tides, first putting in a counter strike behind a few of his parries, but it escaladed from there. The girl understood. The Knight was holding back on his assualt, wanting to make her think she had the edge. But the girl expected it, and began to switch modes from her unrelenting offensive to her quick, efficient defensive. It wasn't easy though. The Knight's strikes came just as fast as hers, but the fatigue in her arms from the offensive combined with the Knight's more powerful blows forced her to use every defensive move she had, as well as a many evasive ducks and jumps. Then she saw it. Once again, the Knight raised his lightsaber over his head for a horizontal downward strike. To exhausted by her previous antics, she raised her own lightsaber to a horizontal position once more. She fully expected that it would fail, either by her own fatigue or from some new trick the Knight had up his sleeve.
The Knight's blade collided with hers once more, and once more, they were put into a saber lock. But this time, the Knight had the advantage, having relaxed with easy defensive moves for much of the fight. Slowly but surely, his blade inched forward, overpowering the girl's fatigued arms. But, the girl had one last trick up her sleeve. She let the Knight push forward, giving him the idea that he would win. Then, with one swift motion, she sidestepped, creating a fulcrum out of the Knight's incessant pushing. Her lightsaber's blade was flipped away by the Knight's shove- just as the girl activated a second blade from the other side of it's hilt. It came within inches of beheading the Knight before she halted its progress, holding it menacingly near the back of his neck. They held perfectly still in revelation of the surprise win.
"Sith-spit..." the low, croaking voice of the Knight said finally. He deactivated his blade and lowered his hood, revealing a black-skinned, bald human in his thirties, his features feral yet dignified, a short goatee ringing his mouth and his eyes an icy blue color. He was heavily built, huge muscles covering his tall frame; there was no more physically fit person in the Jedi Order than he. The girl deactivated her lightsaber and smiled.
"Oh, c'mon! Don't tell me you forgot about the second one? Why do you think the hilt is twice as long as a regular one?" The girl asked incredulously. She was referring to her double-bladed lightsaber, which consisted of two independent lightsabers attached to one another. It was very well put together. The hilt was a tight and sturdy baton, showing the practical construction common in those who practiced Djem-So.
"I hate Katarn's damned students," the Knight said out of frustration. He looked back to find the girl was no longer smiling, but wearing a face of caution, as if she was to be scolded.
"I hate Katarn's students," the knight reiterated, then smiled, "They're too clever".
The girl smiled softly. "Well, he is the Battlemaster of Yavin. It's his job to make sure we can fight," the girl replied.
"To defend! It's his job to make sure you can defend yourself, but more importantly, those around you," The knight said harshly, shattering the happy aura the room had acquired and setting the girl back on her heels. She bowed in submission.
"I'm sorry, sir. I meant to say defend," She apologized.
"No you didn't," the knight said, "You are more transparent then you realize. You have much to learn....my young apprentice". The last words sent a shockwave through the girl, and she bolted up from her bowed stance.
"Do you mean....?" she asked, almost in total shock.
The knight smiled. "Yes, yes. From this day forward, Eloiin Standl is the apprentice of Jax Skauk," he said, "I will inform the council later today. It will be a few months before I leave, so you don't have to worry about packing just yet. And you'll have time to inform your parents. They live on Dantooine, don't they?".
Eloiin tried to reply, tried to say "yes", but the words had escaped her, so she just nodded. She had barely started to open her mouth to express her gratitude towards being picked as his apprentice when the intercom came on.
"Jax Skauk, you are wanted in the council chambers," A droid voice said over the loud speakers in the gym.
"I'll be right there," Jax replied loudly. He gave a quick bow of his head to Eloiin before walking out of the gym doors. When he was gone, she looked to the ground and gave a heavy sigh of relief. Clipping her lightsaber to her belt, she levitated a towel and her robes into her hands from across the room and wiped off her face's recent collection of sweat. In her mind she repeated the same phrase over and over again.
I did it.

Thanks, Metalhead. Another alert - this story is DESIGNED to be non-canon. It is in an alternate universe where the Yuuzhan Vong invasion never happened. I'll have chapter one here shortly....

!

It could be pretty cool, has a lot of potential. Some light revision here and there would help it a little. I'm sure you can find whats in there, seeing as most of it the mistakes are just little things.

-MH