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To Past Self

by My Dead Flowers


                          "To past self"

Wonderd year's of a restless soul, from winters to summers, walking on treacherous grounds, where does the sun shine when everythings gloomed, whomes there to look past masks? To reflected shattered years nothings clear, to whome lays in the hole of decay, was the light at the end of the tunnel heavens reflection, or was it the flames reflecting? The mountains ruble still remains under the lake of tears


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421 Reviews


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Tue Dec 17, 2019 4:22 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there My Dead Flowers! Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about the site, please feel free to reach out to me or anyone else you meet! We'd be happy to show you around :)

So my first impressions were that this was very short, which isn't necessarily a bad thing (in fact, it's good to be brief and concise!), but it means that you have to pack a lot of punch with what you're saying. In other words, you have to make sure that what you're saying is poignant, original, and will impact and stick with the reader.

My favorite part of this poem is the way in which you use a lot of imagery and strong description without being overly verbose. You strike an impressive balance between the two, and that gives your poem a strong foundation to begin to build upon.

My biggest critique of this is the lack of flow and structure in terms of grammar. Quite frankly, it doesn't make a lot of sense, and it's hard to understand exactly what you're saying. It feels disorganized and jumbled, and it's hard to decipher a meaning or interpret it. Other reviewers have pointed out ways to organize it, but you absolutely need to separate stanzas and lines for the sake of clarity. Your ending is also a strong line, but doesn't tie the poem together and leave the reader with an echo, a final ringing thought. Overall, this is a fairly strong start and has potential, but there are a few changes that need to be made in order to shape it up.

I hope this review was helpful and encouraging to you, and if you have any questions or concerns, please reach out! I always like to save the best advice I can give for last, and that's this: keep writing! :D

All my best,
Tuck




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Points: 53
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Mon Dec 16, 2019 8:07 pm
IntrovertedIcarus wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Icarus! I'll be reviewing your work.

So first things first, let's get the negative out fo the way.
Some spelling stuff:
-In your first line wondered is spelled incorrectly.
-Whoms is not a word, just use whom
-Whom is also spelled incorrectly
- The last sentence is not punctuated

Style:
I love your style however I have just a few nitpicks.
-In one of your lines you say "where does the sun shine when everythings gloomed" I don't think everythings fits with your style and flow so I would try "where does the sun shine when everything is gloomed"
-Your poem has an abrupt ending, and it feels like you have a lot more to say.
-I'm guessing this has already been mentioned but I think your poem would work better with line breaks. (Each time there is a comma press enter)

Final thoughts
I absolutely love your concept and you executed it well. You have a wonderful way with words and it shows. You are incredible at the flowery language I only wish there was more.
Thank you for sharing and I hope to see more from you.
-Icarus =D




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101 Reviews


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Mon Dec 16, 2019 4:41 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hi there, @My Dead Flowers ! I'm Daughter, here to review your work.

This is a very short piece, but it's deep; it got me thinking, which can definitely be difficult to pull off with just a few sentences. I'm also very impressed by your choice of words - some of the metaphors are truly touching and you did a beautiful job expressing your thoughts to your "past self".
I would say that your work seems a bit unfinished. You end with

The mountains ruble still remains under the lake of tears

...which is a gorgeous line, but there's nothing to accompany it; not even a period. This was relatively unsatisfying, because one of the main things I look for in writing is either a cliffhanger or a finished ending - but I got neither from your piece. I would suggest that you go back and perhaps add a bit more to close "To Past Self".
I also thought that this piece lacked cohesiveness, which is unfortunate because you wrote so beautifully. The way you could possibly make this work without editing, however, is creating line breaks. That would look something like this;
Wonderd year's of a restless soul,
from winters to summers,
walking on treacherous grounds,
where does the sun shine when everythings gloomed,
whomes there to look past masks?
To reflected shattered years nothings clear,
to whome lays in the hole of decay,
was the light at the end of the tunnel heavens reflection,
or was it the flames reflecting?
The mountains ruble still remains under the lake of tears

That might work better in terms of flow.

One last thing; you had a few gramatical errors, but @EverLight seemed to point those out for you, so I won't go over them again. Make sure to double-check your piece for any spelling mistakes before publishing.
Thank you for sharing your work! I really enjoyed this. Keep writing!

Daughter




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205 Reviews


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Sat Dec 14, 2019 10:15 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway.

First Impression
Wow! You don't see this style around much. Amazing writing buddy!

Grammar & Nitpicks
Let's sentence-

Wonderd year's of a restless soul, from winters to summers, walking on treacherous grounds, where does the sun shine when everythings gloomed, whomes there to look past masks?

First you may have misspelled the word wandered, as wonderd, and the word whome as whom. secant you need an apostrophe by the word everythings.

To reflected shattered years nothings clear, to whome lays in the hole of decay, was the light at the end of the tunnel heavens reflection, or was it the flames reflecting?

Again, the word whom is misspelled
Other then that you had no problems.

Style & Flower
Nothing to critique here. Your style is glamorous!

EverLight out





Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud